He wants me to change. Feeling very low and need some help.

[Wishicouldchange]

Hi,
I am a regular mner but feel it best to name change.
I really need help. I just don't know what to do.
I have been with DH for 18 years and married for 10. We have 3 dc's (7,6 & 2)I am a SAHM.
Recently more than ever Dh has been having a go at me for various reasons.
I don't keep the house clean, I don't iron, I don't feed the children properly, I don't look after myself, I need to lose weight. I could go on.
One minute he loves me and feels he is terrible to me then the next day it's back to wanting me to change.
I feel I do my best with 3 young children, one of whom has hearing and speech difficultlies but this is all getting me down.
I lack in confidence and I do try to make the best of myself and be the perfect wife and mum but I just don't know what to do next.
I am so unhappy that I know I am beginning to take it out on the children.
We went out Saturday night and I made an effort to look nice and to talk to people. We came away happy I thought but someone said I was quiet and he has gone mad saying I am an embarressment and he his always making excuses for me.
To make matters worse my dad is ill with cancer and needs a heart op before Christmas. He lives close by and as my mum is also ill I try to help out with them as much as possible.
I don't know what to do.
He says he loves me and is always wanting sex.He says I don't understand how much he fancies me.
If this is true why is he so horrible to me?
Do I deserve it really?
I don't want the children to be mixed up in this but I don't know what to do.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support.

I am not dealing with it all very well at the moment so am trying to get my head together.

I will be back

I would have to say my gut feeling here is "affair" how many men walk away without something else to go to (I hope I am wrong)

Has he always put you down in this way..to me he comes across as abusive - he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself because of his low self esteem - that is bad for you and the children and he needs to be the one to change.

Perhaps he is just very stressed (lots of people are at the moment) but there is still no excuse for him to treat you like this.

You do have a lot to deal with at the moment unless your house is a completely grimy tip trust me most houses with children in are not 100% clean & tidy. You are not failing miserably compared to everyone else most of us just skim over the "must do" bits and vow to get to the rest tomorrow

WishIcouldchange, I hope you are ok. You may not feel all that strong, but you are coping with so much and still holding it all together. Ok you're struggling, but it's only housework that's slipped. YOu are doing so much for so many people, who all know they can rely on you, and you're doing it all with no emotional support and no practical support. On top of that lack of support you have criticism heaped upon you.

Your husband does sound like he has MANY shortcomings of his own as another pp said.

If you have 'put him through 18 yrs of hell' then let him go. There is nothing so draining and nothing so depressing and difficult as living under the intense spotlight of somebody else's anger, blame, criticism, negativity......

Don't let this parasite feed off your good nature and your energies and your capabilities any longer.

Put an end to it. I knwo you probably don't feel strong enough. I didn't feel strong enough either, once, but I pulled the strength to start again out of bag and I have never regretted it for a second.

men are all the same- Wankers!
sorry,had to get that off my chest

how are you getting on?

WishICouldChange, just wanted to say I'm so very sorry to hear what you are going through. You don't deserve it at all. You need some love and support at the moment and you are getting just the opposite from your dh. But it sounds like you are a very strong person to be able to look after your dcs and your dad so well through all this.

It might be worth getting in touch with Relate and going to see a counsellor, even if you can't persuade your dh to go with you. A friend of mine had his wife walk out on him and he tried to persuade her to go to relate with him. When she wouldn't he went on his own and said the counsellor helped him to understand what had happened in his relationship to and come to terms with it ending.

Sending you lots of hugs

I have just read all this, open-mouthed in fury at your husband's VILE behaviour.
WHY SHOULD YOU CHANGE?????? Sounds to me as if you are a kind, caring, sweet-natured person who is far too good for him. PLEASE don't be apologising to him for being who you are.
Obviously you love him, and feel that you need him and can't do or be anything without him. Now's not the time to tell you that you would probably be better off. But PLEASE take care of yourself..... we are "virtually" here for you.

OP, your husband chose to walk out of the door. You did not push him or lock him out. Please don't forget that.
Demanding that a partner "change" to suit the other partner always rings alarm bells in my book. Surely a proper partnership is about accepting your partner for who they are, not who you think they should or might be? You have lots on your plate at the moment and it is completely reasonable that something has to give - in the great scheme of things, being a perfect housewife won't help your parents or your DCs, so you are right not to prioritise it. Your husband is behaving like a spoilt child in this respect.
As others have said, please chat to a sympathetic doctor if you can - you could be referred for counselling, and they may well have information on support networks for carers.

I have read this through, even after the your op I thought AFFAIR!!!!!

Sorry, please go get some legal advice asap.

Wish

You don't deserve this. My 'd' h went through a phase like this and I went to see my GP - and I certainly didn't need antidepressants at that time but gp did tell me that someone is really low they use projection which means basically they project on you what they feel about themselves. Alternatively, he could be setting this all up and turning up the heat ahead of his announcing his departure - just to make himself feel better about doing it - ie it's not his fault, it's yours. WELL, IT'S NOT.

First, get legal advice and don't tell him. Don't tell him your plans until you have decided what to do and have been guided by a lawyer.

Although you might not think it - you're a very strong person - lots of kids, parents who are unwell and you may cope better by not having a critical bastard around bringing you down.

FROM THIS POINT ON - DO NOT LET HIM WALK OVER YOU. Do not be bullied into making any decisions you're not sure of. Do everything now in YOUR time and at your pace.

Anything you're unsure of, get back on line and I'm sure they're will be a whole heap of experienced mnetters who'll give you good advice.

WishIcouldchange - ARE YOU OK?

Very much hoping she is OK as she was feeling so low and then the bombshell.

I felt i had to respond to this. I work in domestic violence, and although your husband doesnt hit you etc, he seems to be using a lot of the 'techniques' abusive men use in order to keep their women at 'bay'. He puts you down, erodes your confidence bit by bit about the house etc, then apologises, then starts making comments how you appear socially, making you more self conscious when you are in company, so you do become quiet. Then he is after sex all the time after verbally abusing you, making you feel useless and unattractive, then getting you all confused by making advances. I bet you dont know where you are one minute to the next with him. The only way you need to change is by becoming a lot more assertive, and when he starts, tell him to rap up, and you wont take anymore of his shit, and if he doesnt like it he can get stuffed. Basically he has to know that you mean business!! He should be appreciating the amazing woman you are, taking care of his children and home, and then caring for your parents. please let me know how it turns out, men like this make me so angry.

Clarabell - I think the OP's dh said he was leaving - OP hasn't posted since.
Sounds like a truly horrible situation.