is my husband having an affair?

[secretregular]

I'm a regular but have changed my name of this as I know people in RL from the site. I have been married for 5 years and have 2 small children under the age of 3. I am not working currently but have had a great job and am returning to it shortly. My husband and I are happy or so I thought and have no problems other than normal one's that you expect as par for the course. He started sharing an office with a single woman about a year ago well actually they share a desk! At first all I heard was X this and X that, I had just had baby number 2 and told him it was P'ing me off slightly as I wasn't feeling physically confident at that time and he stopped mentioning her. Then she organised a firm holiday for a long weekend and off he went (so did my father I'm not that stupid!) but I thought I was being quite good letting him go when I was literally left holding the baby and dealing with a toddler. All my friends thought I was a bit of a saint! On sunday I checked his phone. I don't really know why I did it, but I did and I found 7 text to her from him. The one's which concerned me were one sent from the aiport (he has recently had yet another little weekend away without me) one sent from the holiday itself and one sent on his way back from a business trip telling her how it went. I confronted him and he said it was all innocent, he was simply thanking her for the tips she gave him in finding the hotel, and was being friendly (re:the one sent from the holiday and business trip). I pointed out to him that he shouldn't really be that friendly with a colleague and what on earth must she think? Wouldn't she wonder why a married father of 2 is texting her from his holiday and why he isn't texting his wife? To conclude, I don't think he's having an affair but I do think he's having "a flirt" IFYKWIM. This makes me really depressed and livid on behalf of the children. How can he be so stupid and reckless. I don't think he wants to lose his family but isn't' this deeply disrespectful to me and our marriage? What on earth is he playing at? Or am I simply overreacting?

Yes, SR I did feel shit and it's still a cause of the occasional argument. It was easier for me than you though because she lives a long way away so they weren't actually seeing each other. I suppose deep down I knew I wouldn't win that one and if I said no contact ever it was more likely that it would carry on secretly so I pretended to be incredibly reasonable and dh continued to mention to me when she'd emailed. Makes me sound like a wimp but also I did feel that I had to give dh some trust and if he was going to have an affair he would anyway. If dh hadn't pulled right back when he did I probably wouldn't have been able to accept it but living with trust is easier than living with suspicion if you can manage it!

I bought him carmen electras strip tease dvd for his birthday and learnt the dance! I am not getting any more sexy than that I'm afraid! he can bugger off.

for him on his own that is!!! More for the two of you together.

from time to time, can't really complain, we've even been away for a whole week together and we do go out almost weekly without children. I really think he's just being a stupid sod. oops - have got to go and pick kids up!!!!

You learnt striptease??? My dp would think he'd died and gone to heaven if I did that.... wouldn't be able to get him out the door with a crow bar...!!!!

What about reverse psychology..this seems to work for me with DP although I appreciate it's munipulation at its worst...virtually acting in fact.

Next time you have time to talk could you apologise for overreacting (I know you don't mean it but stick with me for a minute) then just say it's because you're really stressed out especially when he's away and then give him a hug. If you do this I reckon he's more likely to meet you half way with a 'no no it's my fault...I can see how it might look but...' type response and more likely to think about his actions.

Whenever I've used this tactic with DP he's ended up apologising right back and that's allowed me to go on to explain quietly why something upsets me and effectively giving him a good lecture.

Not sure I dare press 'Post' on this suggestion but here goes....

yes I bloody did!!!! its a really good dvd actually its a real laugh. you learn a routine and its very sexy and cool. he did think he'd died and gone to heaven but he clearly needs a reminder of that at the moment. right really have to go and pick kids up now!

agree decmum that is the smart move!

decmum, you mean my dw is just acting?

if it isn't completely out of character, I would also go with Decmum's approach.

No way...not in your case...if you've got the sense to be a mumsnetter you're clearly far more evolved than the average male.

Hmmmm are you acting, now?

From what you say your dh is probably not having an affair but he needs to take great care.My dh had an affair with a work colleague which started off very innocently (he'd never done anything like that before in 21years together- nor do I think he will ever again after all the pain it caused) However he now says he feels he has to be careful how he approaches a friendship with a female colleague. What I would suggest is that you try and get to know this woman, get her to socialise with you as a couple, to see your relationship at work. My dh always had female friends, I always knew about them and socialised with them there was never a problem. this one was different as I never Knew anything about her until the day he told me about the affair. Talk to him about your concerns even if it is not an affair he is "playing with fire" and you feel insecure about it. My belief is that even if it is not a physical relationship if he is giving away a part of himself to this woman which belongs to you then it's an affair!! Don't be at war with him, get him on your side an work together to make you both comfortable with this woman in your life. Believe me, from bitter experience- secrets lead to mistrust and deception...and you can imagine the rest.

thanks maturer, great post. I think this is the key, my dh needs to take care how he approaches this. He kind of has form for this. About 5 years ago there was a junior in his office who approached him and declared her undying love for him. He was really shocked and rebuffed her. She got very upset and told him he sent out "mixed signals". He had no clue what she was on about and said they had only been for one coffee whilst waiting for a meeting they were going together to start but she said that he was talking to her about her star sign which could be construed as a bit flirty really. You would have thought he would have learned from this. From my own experience, when we first met I had no idea how to use my mobile, I had just got it, we met through work, same profession different firms, and he sent me a text saying "hello chick". Bearing in mind we were not together then and he had a girlfriend, I thought this was flirty. When I put it to him a year later when we were dating he said he had no intention whatsover of being flirty and hadn't even been attracted to me at that stage! I know that his previous girlfriend cooked a meal for one of his female friends and when she went to bed, the friend in question made a pass at him. I find it hard to believe that he couldn't have been giving off some sort of signal. To make a pass at someone's boyfriend when you are in their house for god's sake? She must have thought she was in with a chance. Ultimately he has rebuffed all this but he doesn't seem to understand that you have to be very careful with signals you send out. I knew when I met him he was a charmer, but it hurts more we have children. Somehow it seems disrespectful to me now and to the kids.

hurts more now we have children I meant

SR, my dh is exactlt the same, very charming and women find it easy to talk to him. He did not go out looking for an affair, or even any special relationship it kind of "crept up on him" and at a vulnerable time in his life he found himself into something that nearly ruined everything. All I'm saying is that your dh needs to be very careful and is perhaps taking you a little too much for granted, plus all the privlidges that come with a "happy" family life and children. I certainly see them that way now as I learned how easy it can be for everything to be lost. Your Dh perhaps needs reminding of this...of all the good things he has right under his nose.

Hi Secret, hope you don't mind me posting, I'm afraid I'm going to give the other viewpoint as a previous cheated on (twice) wife who now is still reservedly cynical about men, sad I know but the truth.In my situation although I'd convinced myself that husband 1 and husband 2 (current, though not planning to trade in unless, of course I find out he's had an affair !!!!)weren't having an affair, in my heart of hearts I knew they were and being the type of person that can't let go of something when it's niggling away, I discovered that they both were, in the case of DH1, a couple of months after it started (staying away on work trips more and more was a starting point) and with DH2, text messages, emails all non work related). Go with your gut instinct girl and trust it completely, it's usually right. In the case of DH2, it came out 6 years after the event when I caught them texting and emailing "her" 8 mnths after our first child was born. All very innocent I was told, though knew it wouldn't be. I confronted the other women, suggesting that I would update her husband on the current and past situation (how would he feel if he thought his wife and mother of his daughter was arranging to meet up with somebody that she had previously had an affair with) so that was nipped in the bid pretty much immediately. Like many of you have mentioned I worked in a very male dominated company in a highly charged industry and could count on the fingers of one hand how many "husbands" were actually being faithful to their wives. So many would stray at sales meetings/conferences with young women on the sales desk or admin support who thought these older men were so fantastic because they had their company cars and highly paid salaries (power and image can be a great aphrodisiac !) that it was this that really influenced my decision in NOT going back to work after I had children...I just thought I couldn't stomach it. So, take a deep breath and go with your instincts...if you find out he is then cut his bollocks off, literally or by other means !!!!!