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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is my husband having an affair?

93 replies

secretregular · 22/03/2005 12:32

I'm a regular but have changed my name of this as I know people in RL from the site. I have been married for 5 years and have 2 small children under the age of 3. I am not working currently but have had a great job and am returning to it shortly. My husband and I are happy or so I thought and have no problems other than normal one's that you expect as par for the course. He started sharing an office with a single woman about a year ago well actually they share a desk! At first all I heard was X this and X that, I had just had baby number 2 and told him it was P'ing me off slightly as I wasn't feeling physically confident at that time and he stopped mentioning her. Then she organised a firm holiday for a long weekend and off he went (so did my father I'm not that stupid!) but I thought I was being quite good letting him go when I was literally left holding the baby and dealing with a toddler. All my friends thought I was a bit of a saint! On sunday I checked his phone. I don't really know why I did it, but I did and I found 7 text to her from him. The one's which concerned me were one sent from the aiport (he has recently had yet another little weekend away without me) one sent from the holiday itself and one sent on his way back from a business trip telling her how it went. I confronted him and he said it was all innocent, he was simply thanking her for the tips she gave him in finding the hotel, and was being friendly (re:the one sent from the holiday and business trip). I pointed out to him that he shouldn't really be that friendly with a colleague and what on earth must she think? Wouldn't she wonder why a married father of 2 is texting her from his holiday and why he isn't texting his wife? To conclude, I don't think he's having an affair but I do think he's having "a flirt" IFYKWIM. This makes me really depressed and livid on behalf of the children. How can he be so stupid and reckless. I don't think he wants to lose his family but isn't' this deeply disrespectful to me and our marriage? What on earth is he playing at? Or am I simply overreacting?

OP posts:

HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 16:10

Actually Secretregular, slap him and slap him now!

HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 16:11

I still reckon that the woman has no idea what's really going on. I bet he tells her you're fine with it all.

stuck · 22/03/2005 16:12

Hi SR I've been through a similar thing and have posted here about it (but changed my name since.) My dh didn't have an affair but became deeply infatuated with someone (constantly texted her while we were on holiday together for a start!) He played the 'you're overreacting, being an over-emotional female' card a lot plus the 'how can you deny me such a good friend and I'd really like you both to be friends?' But I do believe that by putting my foot down and refusing to accept that the emails and texts were acceptable (content was not quite sexual but very intimate) I nipped a potential affair in the bud. Talking about it since, dh has admitted that it had had that potential and that it was a sort of emotional affair. It's still a sore point because I'd be more comfortable if all contact was cut between them but dh says that is unfair and has pulled right back and cooled things down. The infatuation has now died out and the emails are once every few months now so I've made a deal with dh to accept that as long as he acknowledges that I was not overreacting to feel that way about it.

Stand firm. I found that for my own peace of mind my best argument to use with dh was by saying 'It makes me feel uncomfortable and unhappy therefore it is wrong for you to continue and whether or not that makes me an over-emotional neurotic is irrelevant.' This has probably all gone far further than yr dh thought it would from sending a few 'friendly' texts. I think that should be enough to scare the pants off him. Be firm and you'll both get past this.

Bugsy2 · 22/03/2005 16:12

No, I'm not really very nice at all but I was confronted with complete text porn when I found out my ex-H was having an affair.
I think you have to get to grips with his working patterns and sort out something that works better for you. He sounds apologetic & keen to try & sort something out, so keep the lines of communication open & work with him on this to get something that works for both of you.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/03/2005 16:14

secretregular, I don't think it makes sense to be angry at him about texting a colleague (innocuously) on mother's day - but it certainly does make sense to be angry at him for not having texted you.

If he'd texted her once on mother's day, but had called you, texted you etc, would you be annoyed? What if he'd been in touch with neither of you?

I may just be overly trusting, but I don't twitch at all about my DH's female colleagues/boss/employees (I wouldn't dream of checking his phone/email/whatever). I do get annoyed when he's not really mentally "present" at home, as he's too busy at work.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:17

stuck - did you feel really shit though that he wouldn't break the friendship off? How did you get over that? Not sure I could. I must be much more jealous than you, sounds like you're a lot more tolerant. I said something similar to dh before on the phone. I said "it might make me horribly 20th century and anal but I would prefer my husband to be texting me on mothers day as opposed to his female co-worker. Especially when he's enjoying a lovely ski weekend and wife in question is slaving away with 2 kids at home having a really crap mothers day."

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 22/03/2005 16:19

Oh, and I'd be putting my foot down about weekends away - not because of female colleagues, but because DH's place is at home, helping me! He's off tonight on a work jolly, some networking thing, but is apologetic and grateful, so that's ok. (Not least because DS1 is poorly-ish, DS2 is teething, and my inner ear has gone all wonky.)

wild · 22/03/2005 16:20

god, when was mother's day
did I miss it?

wild · 22/03/2005 16:20

god, when was mother's day
did I miss it?

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:20

notquitecockney - there were 7 texts in question but 3 which concerned me. one from the airport enroute to the holiday he was going on with my dad, one from the slopes saying what a wonderful time he was having and one on his return from a business trip later that week saying his case had finished etc, he was coming back to the office, a 'checking in' text the sort he would send to me and has no reason to send to her. Its not specifically that he texted her on mothers day, more that he was sitting having a beer on the slopes in glorious sunshine, sitting with my father, and he's thinking about her.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/03/2005 16:20

ditto, cockney. either that or i'd arrange for me to go away on weekends as well - w/o the kids.

Bugsy2 · 22/03/2005 16:20

Secretregular, you are right to be angry about the lack of appreciation for you. Jammy whatnot off ski-ing and you at home alone, specially on Mother's Day - but that is an entirely separate issue to him possibly having an affair.
I think you need to put your foot down about how much he is away from home!!!

wild · 22/03/2005 16:21

god when was mother's day
did I miss it?!

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:21

and he can kiss my arse if he thinks he's going on any more ski weekends!

OP posts:

wild · 22/03/2005 16:22

sorry don't know what happnd there

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:22

mothers day was 2 sundays ago and yes sounds like you missed it!

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 22/03/2005 16:23

Hmm, secretregular, I do see your point. Any chance it was work he was thinking about, rather than her? (Not trying to be difficult - trying to be positive.)

As others have said, more or less, if he was actually up to something, you'd no doubt be finding more ... worrisome ... texts.

Do you generally text him during the day? Do you understand what he's up to at work? (I used to always understand DH's job. Have stopped being so good at this of late, too busy with kids.)

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:24

bugsty he's been on 3 since the season started in december. my friends think I'm nuts for letting him go on so many. I thought I was being a nice person, especially because he told me it was a way of bonding with his colleagues who he's only known for a few months. I think he's bonded quite enough now ...

OP posts:

HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 16:24

I do think he's a genuinely nice guy, maybe he's just easily led?

noddyholder · 22/03/2005 16:25

If our partners have decided to have an affair (which I don't think yours has BTW!)no amount of arguing or laying down the law will stop it you may put the fear of god in him with this particular situation but it will do nothing for your relationship Try a more gentle approach

wild · 22/03/2005 16:25

so it was
what a Sh*t
He's for it!

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:26

notqquitecockney, he says it wasn't 'her' he was thinking about per se but that she had been so very kind in advising him where to stay and the ski guide they were using etc as she'd been there before so when he found himself sitting on the slopes he thought how very kind and marvellous she was to have done this and he texted her what a great time he was having.

OP posts:

Beetroot · 22/03/2005 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 22/03/2005 16:27

agree with beetroot no frying pan around the head required just a quick reminder of why you are together etc

Bugsy2 · 22/03/2005 16:28

Yup, enough weekends away!

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