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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is my husband having an affair?

93 replies

secretregular · 22/03/2005 12:32

I'm a regular but have changed my name of this as I know people in RL from the site. I have been married for 5 years and have 2 small children under the age of 3. I am not working currently but have had a great job and am returning to it shortly. My husband and I are happy or so I thought and have no problems other than normal one's that you expect as par for the course. He started sharing an office with a single woman about a year ago well actually they share a desk! At first all I heard was X this and X that, I had just had baby number 2 and told him it was P'ing me off slightly as I wasn't feeling physically confident at that time and he stopped mentioning her. Then she organised a firm holiday for a long weekend and off he went (so did my father I'm not that stupid!) but I thought I was being quite good letting him go when I was literally left holding the baby and dealing with a toddler. All my friends thought I was a bit of a saint! On sunday I checked his phone. I don't really know why I did it, but I did and I found 7 text to her from him. The one's which concerned me were one sent from the aiport (he has recently had yet another little weekend away without me) one sent from the holiday itself and one sent on his way back from a business trip telling her how it went. I confronted him and he said it was all innocent, he was simply thanking her for the tips she gave him in finding the hotel, and was being friendly (re:the one sent from the holiday and business trip). I pointed out to him that he shouldn't really be that friendly with a colleague and what on earth must she think? Wouldn't she wonder why a married father of 2 is texting her from his holiday and why he isn't texting his wife? To conclude, I don't think he's having an affair but I do think he's having "a flirt" IFYKWIM. This makes me really depressed and livid on behalf of the children. How can he be so stupid and reckless. I don't think he wants to lose his family but isn't' this deeply disrespectful to me and our marriage? What on earth is he playing at? Or am I simply overreacting?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/03/2005 14:43

I agree, secret. It's not on to go on a pleasure holiday w/a work colleague over Mum's Day weekend and text her and not you. It really, really isn't.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 14:49

I'm also hurt because we used to speak twice a day but since he's been sharing with her he goes out in the morning and comes back in the evening. it hurts that he was texting her on his way back from a business thing saying it was all finished now etc. almost like he was checking in with her. I'm his wife, not her. I feel like he's crossed a line and also I feel like a fool to be honest. like she's sitting there having a coffee with her mate giggling over the texts wondering if this silly old fart who's married with 2 kids has the hots for her. why wouldn't she wonder, I wonder it myself. not that he is a silly old fart, worryingly he's very good looking. even my male friend told me once he thought mr secretregular was better looking than george clooney. WTF??? no-one is better looking than gorgeous george! doesn't make me feel very secure really when I find these texts. I could wring his neck, we've enough on our plates at the moment without this crap.

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Bugsy2 · 22/03/2005 14:52

Secretregular, I think he probably needs a massive kick up the arse and should be reminded that you are a wonderful wife & mother. However, men can get a bit complacent & forget these things.
I think you have probably put the fear of eternal damnation into him now & hopefully he will pull his socks up!!!!!!
From what you've said my instinct is that he is not having an affair and that you should really concentrate on the two of you for a bit, if you can.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 15:03

thanks for that. I wish he would move out of the office he shares with her. he says he'll talk to me about it but that basically where he is ensures he gets lots of work, and if he moves the only place is miles away with all the juniors. we get paid for what work he does not a daily rate so it would affect our income. I need to explore this with him because when they shared I was assured they were sharing a desk as they were both out at different times. it hasn't worked out that way though as these things never do. I know he loves me and the kids, I think he's massaging his ego but I can't help being angry as its so disrepectful to me and also makes me look a bit foolish.

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Bugsy2 · 22/03/2005 15:11

NO, no, no Secretregular - his behaviour does not make you look foolish - ever!!!!! The only person who might look remotely silly in this whole thing is him.

noddyholder · 22/03/2005 15:22

I think buying her presents and turning up is crazy that just makes you look desperate IMO and thats what you don't want.Treat it lightly say you feel hurt and left out but keep your dignity

HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 15:24

secreregular, he may not be having an actual affair but he's certainly got an unhealthy obsession with her. ?From the sound of it, the woman might think he's a colleague and a friend but I think he thinks there's more to it. He needs reminding that in real life he has a wife and kids to put first.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 15:25

I have absolutely no intention of buying her presents! I don't even know her. Honestly I have zero interest in her. Its him I'm pissed off at. If he was ever unfaithful I'd be better off without him is my attitude, I just hate that he's risking his marriage by being such a T**t and feel livid because of the kids. what on earth is he doing texting his colleage on mothers day? How about his bloody wife for a start.

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Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 15:28

thanks happydaddy. I have certainly reminded him of that. I told him the next text i find will see me meeting the colleage in question to ask her directly why my husband is texting her from his holiday. this would embarrass him so much. its worse than telling his mother. honestly, we have no problems, we argue healthily, we are great friends, have a good sex life, have 2 lovely kids. it makes me think if this can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Mind you I was shocked at Brad and Jen so what does that say about me.

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HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 15:31

Ask him what he'd think if he found texts on your phone. And don't accept "i wouldn't look on your phone" as an answer. If he thinks he might lose everything because you think he's cheating, he'll come clean if it's what i think it is.

noddyholder · 22/03/2005 15:33

Agree with happydaddy ask him how he would feel and leave it at that If the emails seem innocent maybe let it go this time and maybe try and have some time together soon to just enjoy yourselves together Is this possible?

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 15:36

yes its possible although I would rather spend time with george bush than my husband at the moment. I did ask him what if it was me and he tried to squirm out of it by saying "but you have male friends and I don't say anything". i didn't buy that though and told him it was cheap. I think I'm going to give him the cold shoulder for a few days. The reason is because this is something I NEVER do. I'm really bad at it. I can never go to bed on an argument normally so if I do this he will know I mean business. I want him to have a bit of a reality check.

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Bugsy2 · 22/03/2005 15:47

Secretregular, don't give him the cold shoulder, don't push him away. Draw him in & make him feel that you want to be with him & enjoy his company - even if right now that is hard to do. I firmly believe that by being cold & frosty you are encouraging him to be more friendly with other people, particularly her, because you are closing down lines of communication.
I really, really, really think you need to spend time together - being happy & having fun.

HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 15:50

I agree bugsy2. He will transfer the feelings he does have for you to this other woman. He'll start saying that you don't show him any affection and don't want to be with him. It could become an affair if he's not reminded, by your actions, what he's ignoring.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 15:57

but he hasn't been texting her because we haven't been spending time together. we do all that. frequently have trips together alone, go out etc. I have support network here and people fighting to babysit. I only mean cold shoulder for a couple of days, surely if that drives him into the arms of another woman then he was always going to go anyway? How can he get to disrespect me like that and the solution be to be even nicer to him? isn't that sending him signals that he can treat me however he likes and I'll just be nice!

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expatinscotland · 22/03/2005 16:00

I'd get a investigator on him and just go about things as normal until I knew one way or another.

northerner · 22/03/2005 16:00

HI secret regular. I've just read this thread and have to say I disagree with Bugsy and Happy Daddy. IMO he deserves the cold shoulder - he has been disrepectful and needs to know that you will not put up with it and quite frankly you desrve better treatment.

In your shoes it would kill me to be nice to him. You are right - this would send him the wrong signals.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:02

investigate what though? I'm afraid its all in his head stupid sod.

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HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 16:02

I think he has been very disrespectful but I don't think he's actually having an affair. I suppose if you do give him the cold shoulder for a couple of days, you could check his phone again.

Bugsy2 · 22/03/2005 16:04

No, a few days of cold shoulder is not going to push him to having an affair but it is not going to improve your relationship either. What good will it do either of you?
Remember he married a lovely, trusting woman & that is who he still loves. Ok, so may have had a bit of an inappropriate flirt & should probably be paying you ALOT more attention. Somehow, I don't think he will feel loving & attentive towards you, if you are being cold to him.
Again, I'm not sure if this is the right advice but it is what I feel.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2005 16:04

Well, maybe you think it's all in his head, but it could be he is having an affair. You wouldn't have given this thread it's title if you were 100% sure he was merely having fantasies about this woman.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:05

too right happydaddy! I haven't checked it for months and months, since second babe born, can't believe I give in to the urge and find 7 texts on there to this woman. makes me wonder about the other months. he's just called me again to apologise profusely. just as I was thawing he starts defending his right to go on work weekends. I should be okay with it because its not just her and him its other colleagues too. and guess what, my dad can come too if I'm really lucky!!! afraid I hung up on him.

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decmum · 22/03/2005 16:07

Is it too late for a charm offensive....? Could you let it drop then be really cheerful with him then suggest a spring barbie for all your friends (including colleagues). I reckon seeing them together in real life would answer your curiosity and she may even bring a boyfriend.

The trouble is that there are too many unknowns at the moment and it's bringing out the worst in you which is only making the situation worse. Befriend the woman....think the expression is keep your enemies close!

It's easy to misread situations...I nearly sent a text to a male colleague a few moments ago to say 'upstairs'...which he would have known meant we (5 of us) are in the meeting room upstairs but I stopped when I thought blimey maybe his wife checks his phone and would get the wrong end of the stick.

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:07

oh bugsy you sound so lovely. much nicer than me. I just want to slap him about the face with a frying pan.

OP posts:

Original poster

secretregular · 22/03/2005 16:09

afraid its way too late for a charm offensive decmum. if I suggested a barbie with this woman coming, my husband would have a heart attack thinking I was going to roast her on it. I've never met her. I've seen her picture on the firm web site though. I could take her

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