many MASSIVE wedding issues - how to deal with the day when your parents are divorced, and one set don't seem to care that you are getting married!?

[neverabridesmaid]

Oh my god ? I am SOOOO angry that I am shaking, so be prepared for a rant?(I have namechanged in case I get rumbled, am having a paranoid week!)

Here?s the situation; DH and I got married last year in a register office because we just wanted to do it legally while I was pregnant (not for wedlock reasons, other legal ones!) and we had a very short ceremony with parents only, on the understanding that we would be having a proper wedding next year for friends and family, and we told everyone last year what date we would be getting married next year so that everyone knew the score. There was some arsiness from my parents at how we chose to do it but we thought ultimately they would respect what we wanted.

Anyway, no one has discussed the wedding with us since it happened over 6 months ago, and no one will discuss the celebration for next year. We didn?t like to assume we would be getting any help with it, but I though we would, since my sister is about to get engaged and there?s all big talk about her wedding (she will be doing it properly, I should add.)

I should probably also add at this point that my sister is technically my half sister. My parents divorced when I was very young and I have been brought up by my father and stepmother, as my mother left when they split. She has been in and out of my life but we finally reconciled nearly 2 years ago. (am trying to keep this as brief and simple as possible!) It was always assumed that if I ever got married it would be my DF and SM there, and not my mother, as they brought me up and there is no way all three of them could be in a room together. Or any of my family with my mother, come to that.

I spoke to my SM earlier who had just spoken to my brother?s best mate (who has been close to the family for 20 years) who is getting married on the other side of the world and invited my parents, who apparently are probably going. I asked when ? turns out a week before we are ? and due to it being on the other side of the world I?m pretty sure this affects us. When I pointed out that it was only 7 days before our thing, she said that someone had told her we weren?t doing it next year. Granted, we haven?t sorted it out yet, but we always said when it would be, and we haven?t said we're not doing it! And if they thought that, why the hell would they not check with us about it?!! She then said if we are doing it next year we?ll have to pull our fingers out and get on with it ? no offers of help to organise it or anything.

They have been really weird with us for most of this year and haven?t expressed much interest in their new grandchild, let alone been involved, despite living around the corner. This is all made worse by the fact my sister is talking about getting married now and having the full white do ? which will no doubt be made a massive thing of, unlike ours, which everyone's treated like it?s some kind of awkward secret which must not be discussed. Anyway, I?m starting to wonder if no one?s arsed about us anyway if we shouldn?t just crack on with our plans but involve my mother instead; she would like to be there and I?d like her there but I always thought I would have to leave her out because of my parents.

Oh, I?m so messed up and hurt by this whole thing, I can?t believe my parents are being like this about it and I don?t know what to do! I know weddings will always be tricky when people are divorced but this gets messier by the second and I?m really upset that something that should be so positive is making me feel so shit. How do we go forward?!

ooops, apologies, pasted from word and all my '''s have come out as ???s!

bumping....

But you are married already.

I totally understand why you wanted to do a quick registry office wedding then have another event later when the baby had arrived but this second event is NOT a wedding.

It's only natural that it will take second fiddle to other people's actual weddings.

Your parents are obviously of another generation and as far as they are concerned you have had your wedding. Now it's your sister's turn.

I do feel for you though as I expect that you didn't think it would turn out like this.

i think your wedding is different to your Sister's as you are already married

Whislt it may feel like a wedding to you, it may feel more like a party to your family and friends IYSWIM

Sorry to be dim, but you're already married, so your celebration is basically a party, not actually a wedding, is that right?

If so, surely you can have it any old time? Or are you planning on a renewal of vows in church type thing?

My handle on the situ is that you want to have some sort of party to celebrate the fact that you will (by then) have been married for 2 years? or have I missed something?

So far as the parents are concerned, I'd just invite them and leave it up to them to decide whether theywant to come or not.

sadly you are not having a 'proper wedding' next year..you are already married - you are just having a party to celebrate that..

I got married in August..(the full big do) and it was magical..i know that no matter what kind of party I try and hold in future - NOTHING will feel like that day ever again..it was magic.

Sorry but perhaps they are really confused why you seem to want your cake and eat it? you had a convenient wedding of your own arranging and now want them to help arranging what exactly? a party...?

Wow, a lot of Xposts!

i don't understand this bit:

we shouldn?t just crack on with our plans but involve my mother instead; she would like to be there and I?d like her there but I always thought I would have to leave her out because of my parents.

ALso, if you haven't already booked a date and told people then i don't think you can get cross with people for going to another wedding

i think the best thing to do is organise a party and invite everyone and let them make decisions as to whether they are coming or not

You're married already, so it's a done deal in everyone's head. The celebration you are planning is right down the priority list because you are married and no one see's much point in throwing a party a year and a half after the main event!

You know what I'd do? I'd scale this down to a more informal and inexpensive doo, invite the bloody lot of them, mother included, and let them make their own minds up.

Whether they accept and turn up is not your problem. You've done the right thing by inviting all of them and any arsiness is their issue, not yours.

Forget what your sister is doing/having/being offered. You chose a different path, so walk it!

Also, you, your DH and your child are a family unit of your own already. Focus on them and bugger the wider picture because you're in a lose:lose situation here and you'll be damned for what ever you do.

Good luck with it!

We wanted to get the legal bit done asap, but to have a ceremony and party including everyone on the date we said giving us time to arrange it and include everyone. We were specific about this from the start - but no oone seems to get it. If we'd known it was going to be like this we'd probably have done it differently.

I don't begrudge my sister - it'll be a few years before that happens, but no one will acknowledge ours, and that's what makes me so sad.

Just reading the title I was going to say don't invite either parent.

Off to read the post now.

maybe your family are upset because they didn't go to your wedding - just a thought

it isn't nice when things don't pan out how you want them to so am not surprised you are upset

should probably also add it's a pagan tradition to have the wedding/handfasting and reaffirm the vows a year and a day later, which is what we wanted but with the emphasis on the reaffirming.

If you want your mother there, have her. Tell your father and sm they will have to behave as it is your day and you do not want it spoilt.

Organise your wedding like the grown up you are and just remember this is about your day.

Maybe just not do it if it is going to cause this much aggro for you. Maybe have a party instead.

Are you planning on doing it in a Church?

Personally, I wouldn't bother with a party at all. I would arrange for someone to look after dc for a couple of days and use the money to book the most romantic retreat I could for dh and I, then no one is offended and you get something you will really enjoy.

ruby - the parents did come to the register office, so they can't be upset about that! The rest of the family haven't acknowledged it, but to be honest, don't know if my parents have been passing info in...

Thanks for all the replies, am digesting...

ah - fair enough

perhaps your parents don't understand the significance of Pagan ritual etc

Why are you relying on your parents to pass messages on? Why aren't you telling people?

It seems as though you are having a delayed wedding breakfast, already having done the marriage part of the celebration. We too had our marriage ceremony and breakfast on separate days, but it was only a week apart. Leaving it so long, has probably pushed it out of peoples minds.

If you haven't already started organising it, change the date so that it is not as close as your friends wedding. Then get cracking on the organising, get the invitations out, as a celebration of your marriage, invite all you and your DH want to, and enjoy the day.

Neverabridesmaid, are you me?
This exact same thing happened to me - only it's DH's mum that wouldn't com to wedding and we had to have a separate garden party for her and her family.
So we had three weddings
1 registry office - legal with witnesses
2 wedding with frock and self written vows for DH's Dad and SM and friends and family, not in a church and
3 garden party for DH's mum and her family.

We paid for the whole thing(s) ourselves - we were offered no help, even though my conformist sister got approval and married on my dad's tab.

My DH is from another culture and we are not Christian, so we didn't do it 'properly' in their lights!

I LOVE Gooseyloosey's brill idea and just go on holiday and say if they want a party they can pay for it! you need a holiday - I can tell

thenewme - we weren't relying on them to pass on messages as such. We don't see the rest of the family often but my parents are the link in the middle. They pass on everything, even things they shouldn't, so I find it difficult that they would tell everyone that I was pregnant when I told them to wait, but arent' talking about the wedding. We were going to send out save the day cards, but didn't get chance, and didn't think we needed to as they all communicate. Or so we thought.

It's all a bit mad really. We wanted to so the right thing and celebrate with everyone, but we didn't have the time to organise anything straight away, and thought this was the fairest and best outcome all round. I can't believe it's gone this way.

We will get on with it ourselves but it doesn't stop us being hurt that no one seems to give a shit, just because we have chosen to do it slightly differently.

You take control.

This is YOUR wedding. I've no doubt that your parents thought that the short ceremony you has was it, and now perhaps they feel that there is no need for them to attend the party because you're already married, if that makes sense. After all, people usually attend these things to witness you getting married, primarily.

I think it would be wise to send out reminders to everyone to keep that date free in their diaries. Another possibility is that people may have thought that once you were married, your plans for a party would be put off, and because they didn't hear from you they probably thought the party side of things had been forgotten. You need to keep dates in peoples memories or else they do tend to presume that, if they don't hear from you, it's not on.

Finally, if they are being shite, I would simply send EVERYONE an invite and let them sort out any hard feelings. If they don't come then you don't have to fork out money to feed them.

Unfortunately at occasions like this is when you tend to see a person's bad side. They know they have you over a barrel because you want a perfect day and they have the power to deny you that. So for the run up, they get your full attention, you probably talk more to them at that time than any other and they like it. Attention to them, even if it's bad, is better than no attention. So it's their cue to cause problems. You can counteract that by being firm, sticking with your plans and if they start imposing conditions or making excuses you give them stark choices - they either come or they don't. Once they know where they stand, they'll be a lot easier to manage!

If you wanted to have a party to involve other people and they aren't bothered either cancel the idea or just invite those that are interested.

Should probably add that all of our friends get it, my mother gets it - even the in-laws get it, and they are actually Christian so the pagan thing must be harder for them to take. It's just mine that are being funny.

Perhaps we should just have the ceremony for ourselves and then bugger off on holiday, as suggested, we do need one!

zazen - did it not really annoy you that you had to do it that way?

Should just point out that you cannot begin to understand the trouble that would ensue if I tried to get everyone into the same room. There is no way any of my parents would take it on the chin, I expect my dad and SM would just boycott.

You say in your OP that you are really angry. Do you mean with your parents, or just with the fact that thing arent turning out as you hoped? As previous posters have said - you are already married so I'm not surprised that your step mum and dad arent too excited about the ceremony - they dont see it as a wedding. Also, if you havent set a date, maybe they werent at all sure it was really going to happen.