many MASSIVE wedding issues - how to deal with the day when your parents are divorced, and one set don't seem to care that you are getting married!?

[neverabridesmaid]

Oh my god ? I am SOOOO angry that I am shaking, so be prepared for a rant?(I have namechanged in case I get rumbled, am having a paranoid week!)

Here?s the situation; DH and I got married last year in a register office because we just wanted to do it legally while I was pregnant (not for wedlock reasons, other legal ones!) and we had a very short ceremony with parents only, on the understanding that we would be having a proper wedding next year for friends and family, and we told everyone last year what date we would be getting married next year so that everyone knew the score. There was some arsiness from my parents at how we chose to do it but we thought ultimately they would respect what we wanted.

Anyway, no one has discussed the wedding with us since it happened over 6 months ago, and no one will discuss the celebration for next year. We didn?t like to assume we would be getting any help with it, but I though we would, since my sister is about to get engaged and there?s all big talk about her wedding (she will be doing it properly, I should add.)

I should probably also add at this point that my sister is technically my half sister. My parents divorced when I was very young and I have been brought up by my father and stepmother, as my mother left when they split. She has been in and out of my life but we finally reconciled nearly 2 years ago. (am trying to keep this as brief and simple as possible!) It was always assumed that if I ever got married it would be my DF and SM there, and not my mother, as they brought me up and there is no way all three of them could be in a room together. Or any of my family with my mother, come to that.

I spoke to my SM earlier who had just spoken to my brother?s best mate (who has been close to the family for 20 years) who is getting married on the other side of the world and invited my parents, who apparently are probably going. I asked when ? turns out a week before we are ? and due to it being on the other side of the world I?m pretty sure this affects us. When I pointed out that it was only 7 days before our thing, she said that someone had told her we weren?t doing it next year. Granted, we haven?t sorted it out yet, but we always said when it would be, and we haven?t said we're not doing it! And if they thought that, why the hell would they not check with us about it?!! She then said if we are doing it next year we?ll have to pull our fingers out and get on with it ? no offers of help to organise it or anything.

They have been really weird with us for most of this year and haven?t expressed much interest in their new grandchild, let alone been involved, despite living around the corner. This is all made worse by the fact my sister is talking about getting married now and having the full white do ? which will no doubt be made a massive thing of, unlike ours, which everyone's treated like it?s some kind of awkward secret which must not be discussed. Anyway, I?m starting to wonder if no one?s arsed about us anyway if we shouldn?t just crack on with our plans but involve my mother instead; she would like to be there and I?d like her there but I always thought I would have to leave her out because of my parents.

Oh, I?m so messed up and hurt by this whole thing, I can?t believe my parents are being like this about it and I don?t know what to do! I know weddings will always be tricky when people are divorced but this gets messier by the second and I?m really upset that something that should be so positive is making me feel so shit. How do we go forward?!

Hm. I am wanting to tread carefully as you are obviously upset and hurt about this, and it links into a lot of stuff from your past. But, having said that...think you need to grow up (sorry) You are already a wife and mother. Agree that the best idea is to blow the wedding money on a lovely break without kids for you and dh. Really, move on from this before you let all the bitterness blight the lives of your kids. And it will be you letting that happen, not your extended family.We only get one go around you know. I know I am being quite patronising etc but it is really what I think.

unavailable - we set the date before we actually had the register office part. They knew we were celebrating on that date, and yet it sounds like they have decided to go away and miss it. Yes we legally signed the papers, but the important ceremony thing is next year, and even if they aren't that excited, should they not acknowledge that it is important to us?

I am also annoyed that they don't speak to us about it, and then assume it is cancelled on hearsay, without speaking to us. I just really don't understand how everyone else has been saving the day and knows what we are planning, except the people you would think.

Perhaps I'm just not explaining it well. This has helped to clarify though. I think we'll just celebrate with people who can be arsed to.

I would be upset as well. Could it be they really dont understand? Would talking to them help, really repeatedly explain the blessing and how important it is to you and how excited you are and how sad you are that they are not. If they still dont want to be involved then there isnt much you can do about it, and as others have said move on swiftly with out looking back.

Sorry - I missed the bit where you said the date was already fixed. Yes, in that case, they should acknowledge that for you the ceremony is the important bit - even if they disagree.

moopy - I appreciate what you are saying about the bitterness, I won't be harbouring it. I've always known that my parents' approval is conditional, I've dealt with it, and I won't let it ruin my life any further! But I don't see how wanting your family to celebrate with you being childish?

I'm just angry as when I posted I'd literally just got off the phone from hearing that they had written our plans off without even speaking to us and were arranging to go to my brother's friend's ceremony rather than ours. It wasn't nice to hear, as we had assumed they would be playing some part in the ceremony we had planned.

Thank you TooFoggy.

Actually, all this crap does actually help us in a way - it pushes us into being a far more independant family unit and to rely less on extended family. And to really appreciate the people who support us, and we're lucky enough to have some good friends who do.

"Should just point out that you cannot begin to understand the trouble that would ensue if I tried to get everyone into the same room. There is no way any of my parents would take it on the chin, I expect my dad and SM would just boycott."

Tough tits for them then - they were invited and that's ALL you have to do.

You're trying waaaaaay too hard to please every other bugger but yourself here!

Your anger is very understandable. Have whatever day you fancy having. Sometimes the things that are important to us are not as important to our nearest and dearest. i guess when I say grow up its around this that I mean it - I had to accept loads of stuff about my parents behaviour took me a loooonng time but in realising that it only impacted on my experiences if I let it I felt a real sense of freedom. Dont know if this will make sense, not sure it does to me!

In your OP you don't actually say that they will be missing your ceremony. Are they really going to miss it? I'd have thought if they were you would have said so. What you say is that the other ceremony is 7 days before yours. That gives plenty of time for them to be back.

Or is it that you think they should be there in the run-up, helping.

Why should they offer to help though? You sound as if you are 18, still living at home, expecting your parents to organise your wedding for you.

You are a grown woman, with children and you are married. If you want another ceremony then organise it, invite them but don't expect them to help or fuss because it's down to you.

I think I understand moopymoo. I think it's sad though, it's less to do with growing up and more to do with being less idealistic and hopeful that one day your parents might act like they give a monkeys. Or that it means accepting that you are not as important to people as they are to you. I hope my kids never grow up thinking that about us, anyway.

OK, thanks BalloonSlayer. I guess I really haven't explained it properly. They haven't booked the flights yet but the implication is that they are going for a good few weeks and missing ours. We aren't expecting anyone else to organise anything. Just perhaps to show a slight interest, or even to acknowledge that we are having a ceremony, even if they think it's a load of bollocks, it's important to us and we wanted family to be there. That's it really. Do you really think being married and having kids makes you immune to being treated badly by parents? Obviously there is more to this than I have put here as I wanted to keep things short, we have been slowly frozen out over the last year and it's been hard to take. This has been the straw that broke the camel really.

Oh dear

You sound upset and it does sound like your SM and DF are behaving strangely over all this. Perhaps they are still miffed by your decision to have a small personal wedding earlier in the year?

You say "which will no doubt be made a massive thing of, unlike ours" ... no intention to upset you even more but you did make your own decision to have a small wedding and unless you're ready to commit to setting a date for a big party then I do think they (your parents) should be free to accept other invitations particularly if you've not booked a venue yet.

You hint that you would like them to pay something towards the cost of the party/event but seem to have been unable to ask them. Is this why you've been procrastinating?

Also - you do sound a bit jealous of your half sister's plans which isn't really fair (IMO) because you chose how you wanted it done when you had your own wedding.

I think you know you are being a little bit unreasonable tbh.

I'm not jealous of my sister's plans. If we'd wanted something like that we could have had it, but we wanted a pagan ceremony with friends when we had chance to arrange it. We are being ignored because we are doing it this way. And we did set the date - we made it clear before we did the register office bit that we wanted to celebrate with everyone on x date next year, and possibly wouldn't have done it this way if we realised that people were going to backtrack or not understand the reasons why.

The thing is we don't feel we've had our wedding yet - the pagan ceremony is in two parts and we haven't had the important part yet to celebrate with everyone. I don't think we're being unreasonable, I think that just my parents either don't understand, or are being funny, because the rest of our friends and family do understand the significane of this main ceremony.

Anyway. Having to justify myself here has helped to make things clearer for us, and I still stand by our right to be able to have a different kind of celebration, so thank you everyone for all the feedback.

how far down the road are you withthe plans for the pagan wedding? Are there loads of things you just can't cancel or move?

Your SM said "if we are doing it next year we?ll have to pull our fingers out and get on with it ?" - I took that to mean that if you got your arrangements made they would fit around you. As you say, they haven't booked their flights.

I do remember your other thread but don't want to refer to it too much because it will ruin your name change. But what you refer to as freezing you out, in the other thread appeared to be them actually them doing what you wanted.

And yes of course you have not put the whole story down but IMO neither this, nor the other thread comes into the category of "being treated badly by parents." Sorry.

We could change the date - however the date is significant in terms of it being a year and a day after the first part. Also - if they're not really that arsed (and all our friends are assuming it's on this date) why should we change it?!

I think, as suggested we'll just get the invites out asap, and whoever wants to come can come, and I've had my rant and calmed down - I'm starting to not be that bothered myself if they choose not to come.

please explain why you are having another wedding
you are already married
surely that is the whole point

are you havign another wedding for you or your family? weddings are not an excuse for a party

jeez i think people forget the meaning of marriage

don't pagans have an informal handfasting/tying ceremony first then the legal ceremony a year or so afterwards?

BS - I'm sort of glad you remember the other thread! Yes, they did go along with the register office part at the time, but we didn't realise that meant it was one or the other. There were other issues earlier in the year, and since the wedding and baby number 2 they have had little to do us. My father has hardly looked at DC2 and I assure you, we have been frozen out in many ways. Partly, I suspect, because I have reconciled with my mother, and partly because I have brought my children up in ways they do not agree with. (For example I breastfeed. This has caused a problem. Honestly.) I can't go into massive detail about how they have been with us lately, but I assure you, it's not been the nicest.

Dropdeadfred - you can do the legal bit at the same time, or never, if you don't want to. If you do it in Scotland the pagan ceremony can be legally binding if you choose it to. But importantly you reassess after a year and a day and agree to continue (at which point you are properly tied) or you can agree that it hasn't worked and go your seperate ways. We're planning to stay together and wanted to pledge that part with friends and family.

So why does it matter so much that they be there?

if they disaprove of things like breastfeeding then do they also disapprove of the pagan wedding?

Perhaps just reconcile yourself to the fact that they were at the legal part and if they can't make the other party then at least you will have your mum there and all your friends.

Sorry think you are getting this out of proportion and it is your issue not theirs. You are already married, legally and in society's eyes, and they attended. A second "ceremony" is entirely of your volition and to an outsider may well seem like a party for the sake of it rather than as meaningful as you choose to believe.

Perhaps you have not been assertive enough in saying what you are planning, when and why. Do so and if they then still choose to book flights which mean they cannot attend (and as far as I can see it hasn't yet come to that anyway) that is up to them. The "ceremony" is clearly for your benefit not everyone else's, as far as they are concerned you had your chance to celebrate a year ago, and it sounds as if you are upset by other things too. Your sister's future plans and the fact your parents are diviorced aren't directly relevant to this situation imho.

but you have done it in reverse then? you have done the legal bit and now want to do the betrothal/promise bit?

I'd suggest you make it absolutely wonderful and thus if they miss it, they really regret it.

I know next to nothing about paganism but I expect it will be a beautiful ceremony.

This bit also seems relevant to you but I am not sure how relevant it is to the whole parents issue

"We didn't like to assume we would be getting any help with it, but I though we would, since my sister is about to get engaged and there?s all big talk about her wedding (she will be doing it properly, I should add.)"

Are you talking practical or financial help?