many MASSIVE wedding issues - how to deal with the day when your parents are divorced, and one set don't seem to care that you are getting married!?

[neverabridesmaid]

Oh my god ? I am SOOOO angry that I am shaking, so be prepared for a rant?(I have namechanged in case I get rumbled, am having a paranoid week!)

Here?s the situation; DH and I got married last year in a register office because we just wanted to do it legally while I was pregnant (not for wedlock reasons, other legal ones!) and we had a very short ceremony with parents only, on the understanding that we would be having a proper wedding next year for friends and family, and we told everyone last year what date we would be getting married next year so that everyone knew the score. There was some arsiness from my parents at how we chose to do it but we thought ultimately they would respect what we wanted.

Anyway, no one has discussed the wedding with us since it happened over 6 months ago, and no one will discuss the celebration for next year. We didn?t like to assume we would be getting any help with it, but I though we would, since my sister is about to get engaged and there?s all big talk about her wedding (she will be doing it properly, I should add.)

I should probably also add at this point that my sister is technically my half sister. My parents divorced when I was very young and I have been brought up by my father and stepmother, as my mother left when they split. She has been in and out of my life but we finally reconciled nearly 2 years ago. (am trying to keep this as brief and simple as possible!) It was always assumed that if I ever got married it would be my DF and SM there, and not my mother, as they brought me up and there is no way all three of them could be in a room together. Or any of my family with my mother, come to that.

I spoke to my SM earlier who had just spoken to my brother?s best mate (who has been close to the family for 20 years) who is getting married on the other side of the world and invited my parents, who apparently are probably going. I asked when ? turns out a week before we are ? and due to it being on the other side of the world I?m pretty sure this affects us. When I pointed out that it was only 7 days before our thing, she said that someone had told her we weren?t doing it next year. Granted, we haven?t sorted it out yet, but we always said when it would be, and we haven?t said we're not doing it! And if they thought that, why the hell would they not check with us about it?!! She then said if we are doing it next year we?ll have to pull our fingers out and get on with it ? no offers of help to organise it or anything.

They have been really weird with us for most of this year and haven?t expressed much interest in their new grandchild, let alone been involved, despite living around the corner. This is all made worse by the fact my sister is talking about getting married now and having the full white do ? which will no doubt be made a massive thing of, unlike ours, which everyone's treated like it?s some kind of awkward secret which must not be discussed. Anyway, I?m starting to wonder if no one?s arsed about us anyway if we shouldn?t just crack on with our plans but involve my mother instead; she would like to be there and I?d like her there but I always thought I would have to leave her out because of my parents.

Oh, I?m so messed up and hurt by this whole thing, I can?t believe my parents are being like this about it and I don?t know what to do! I know weddings will always be tricky when people are divorced but this gets messier by the second and I?m really upset that something that should be so positive is making me feel so shit. How do we go forward?!

oops, when I said BS before meant you beanieb!

You're right. It doesn't matter anymore. I've been sorting it all out in my head this afternoon, and it isn't that important to me if they would rather be elsewhere.

I was just hurt because I thought they understood what we were doing and would be there, and whilst I've had my suspicions, it's only been confirmed to me this afternoon that they don't really want anything to do with it. Before when it's been mentioned they've just changed the subject and refused to discuss it, I thought it was down to timing. I've been hoping things would change, but now I know this is it, which is quite liberating I suppose, if not a bit sad, because it's not just about the wedding at the end of the day, it's representative of a bigger situation, which is quite upsetting to take on board.

So bugger it, it is what it is, and we'll enjoy our day with our friends. And that's that.

Think of the money you'll save!!! and you can have your mum there with no hassle from your dad and stepmum..

Nope going mad - I did mean BS! Anyway.

Sorry, but I tend to agree with those who are saying that you are already married and your parents attended that. I am not sure that I would understand why you have waited a year and a day to have the other part of the wedding and maybe that's something they don't understand either. May be it would have made more sense to have the ceremony before the legal bit, after all, even if you had decided that it hadn't worked, legally you could hardly just have walked away could you? ( Not saying you couldn't, just that there are legal procedures to follow which would not have been there if you did it the other way round). Even if you mentioned the date at the time of the legal marriage, have you made sure to remind them of it or just assumed that they would remember? It may just be that as far as they are concerned, you have had your wedding, you are married and this is just a party. TBH, I suspect I might think that way. It may be that they never really believed you would do the second bit, I have had many friends and family who have had small weddings in registrars offices and said they would have a big 'do' at a later date, and they never do! Maybe they thought that was what would happen here.

I do think if you fix the date, send the invitations out and plan the day you'd like, you will be amazed at how people will suddenly readjust their plans, if they want to be there. People also tend to behave much better at weddings (in terms of getting on with other people etc) than they do in the run up. Try and let go of the anger, though - they are just people doing some of the less pleasant things that people do.

Given the other wedding overseas, it would be kind of you to change to perhaps a month or so later, but once you have found a venue and date that suits you and your dh, stick with it whoever then says 'oh I can't be there'. Be sure they know that you're sad they won't be there, but also that you're still looking forward to it and are not going to change them.

Have a lovely wedding

thank you for the best wishes, choosy and Holy. I feel surprisingly better about the whole thing now, and this thread has really helped. We're going to look out for ourselves and do what's best for us. In general! I'd like to at least invite my mother I think. Its soooooooooo not going to go down well, so watch this space for further reports of fights and fallouts. [fwink}

I don't see that you can reasonably be cross with your family. You are throwing a big party and you didn't tell them the date anyway. Sorry, it's making you miserable.

nkf - please read my posts!

Oh, sorry. You had set the date. But did everyone know it? It does sound like a mismatch of expectations.

sorry for terseness, am a bit drained! Honestly, we couldn't have made it clearer. We chose the weird random date this year to make sure it was exactly a year and a day before the Saturday next year. Everyone knew. That's why have been today.

have you tol your dad how sad you are?

Nah. No point. He'd just say I was being hysterical and stupid or something along those lines. He seems to have absolutely no emotion when it comes to me. He thinks the sun shines out of my sister's arse but I actually think he genuiunely thinks I'm an idiot. Probably because I remind him of my mum.