Resentment is eating me alive - DH and his parents (sorry, it's very long)

[hsanders]

Why won't my husband stand up to his parents? Why won't he support me and tell them where they are so wrong in so many things with us?

Just a couple of examples..in May this year, I had major surgery which included an hysterectomy (aged 33) and then our only child was diagnosed with cancer 4 days later....did the MIL bring lunch for both myself and her darling son to the hospital? Did she (excuse my language..I can feel my blood pressure boiling just writing this)!

She continued to relish the idea of me skipping off for a cry in the hospital canteen each time they visited and my DH never once told them that it would be nice for them to bring me lunch (and he didn't share his either...the rows we had went something like 'it gives you a break to head to the canteen'...'they're hurting too as he's their only Grandchild').

Plus the MIL complained I didn't send her a thank you card for a birthday present I received a few days before my op...hello? I had my op, then discharged myself to sort my son out....when would I send her a card when I am trying to cope with my only child having a 50% chance of survival and enjoying his 9th birthday in 5 years? And when have I ever received a thank card from them in the 11 years I've known them?

More examples? Oh I could bore you...but the long and short of it is....I 'found' an email she sent slagging me off to her family (who I thought liked me) saying that it was one rule for my family and one rule for theirs....yes, my DH doesn't even like his parents (or so he says), I buy all their birthday gifts, cards...tell him that they've not seen our son for ages so he should organise for them to see him (whereas they think I am stopping them seeing our DS) etc etc etc.

Essentially I completely resent my husband for saying he would have a long chat with his parents about their 'behaviour' and that they need to show us respect as our DS, DH and I are a family and we do things our way. During this whole last six months our DS has undergone major chemo and radiotherapy, 38 general anaesthetics, sooo much heartache it's unreal and we've had to support my DH's parents. They never offer anything whereas my parents who live 120 miles away always ensure they make it 'known' they're around to support us to enable us to support our DS.

My husband kept saying he'd talk to them about how we feel and he's bottled it every single time. 'I'll write a letter' blah blah blah. I am now being polite to the in-laws and even having them over for Xmas Eve but only because I cannot bear the thought of going there...

As I write I've dawned across another thing...here's the issue...I resent my husband because at no point in the week before my surgery did he tell me about our son's deteriorating symptoms (I was in the UK for a week for pre-op tests and they were in Spain). I spoke to DH 2-3 times every day and no mention of any symptoms. The in-laws were with them both also and yet none of them thought to take my DS, my only ever child and I cannot have more and no-one thought to a) tell me his eye had stopped moving and was poking out of his head or b) take him to a doctor?

I hate my husband sometimes and resent him, but hate feeling this way. He talks, I growl under my breath with resentment...I cannot see a way back to where we were before.

PS. decided best to changes name to something more interesting...should have done it before; I am now wheredidmyoldlifego

Fuck the rest of your thread; Pure and Simple he neglected his child ... he would be out.

You put:
As I write I've dawned across another thing...here's the issue...I resent my husband because at no point in the week before my surgery did he tell me about our son's deteriorating symptoms (I was in the UK for a week for pre-op tests and they were in Spain). I spoke to DH 2-3 times every day and no mention of any symptoms. The in-laws were with them both also and yet none of them thought to take my DS, my only ever child and I cannot have more and no-one thought to a) tell me his eye had stopped moving and was poking out of his head or b) take him to a doctor?

The last bit of your thread (the bit I pasted above) would mean divorce to me.
He Neglected his only child

Tell him, to chose, and chose now, truly you owe him nothing. He wants you and your son, he has to chose or you have to leave.

jeez, how awful for you! Really, that's terrible.
read the toxic parents book that AttilatheMeerkat always recommends - show it to your DH and help him to understand that it is relevant to his (and your) situation.

Ignore their "needs" - focus on the 3 of you as a family. your resentment is partly born out of fear for your DS - what a tough time you are having - but it might help you to air it with him (if he is already feeling horribly guilty about it, it won't help at all as he will likely deflect it back onto you for "daring" to need an op at the same time as their holiday)

Remember that your DS is your DH's son too and he will be having a horrible time of it as well - be sensitive to that, at the same time be true to yourself. And really, sod his parents - might be their only DGS, but he is YOUR DS and as such, you are far more important in this equation than they are.

and also check that he didn't think about it - he might have said something along the lines of "do you think Ds is ok?" to his mum and she went "he's fine, stop worrying". Pure speculation, but check.

Goodness, you really have had a crappy year.

TBH, I don't know how you would ever have the conversation re the symptoms in Spain without it seriously sounding like you blame him - which perhaps you do, but mentioning this Without professional support, ie Relate, would be to the further detriment of your relationship.

However, I think you need to lay it on the line re his parents. That sort of resentment can eat you away. Try practicing the non confrontational nonsense - when X happens it makes ME feel rather than you make me feel unsupported when you do this (even though that would probably be a fairer explaination).

This email that you 'found' was it to your DH? I think you need to tell him you have seen it, perhaps use this for a long overdue discussion about you being his wife and the mother of his child and him needing to sort his priorities out.

I do not evny you in the slightest and have no real advice but couldn't leave you post unanswered - although it takes me so long to compose a reply you'll have had dozens by te to I post!

I wish you strength and all the luck in the world.

God you poor thing. You have really had an horrendous time. I'm not surprised you feel angry. You must also be full of grief and fear and that makes anger much worse in my experience. re your husband not telling you about your ds's symptoms, why was that? I assume he didn't realise their significance. How did your ds end up seeing a doctor and getting diagnosed?
Re the email, how would you feel about talking to your MIL yourself, and telling her you feel sad and hurt that she seems not to like you, when you have been having such a hard time.

she brought food to the hospital for your dh but none for you when you were the patient?

And he ate it and offered you none?

WTF? What is wrong with all of them?

How can you excise these people from your life? Cancel Christmas eve anyway. I would refuse to acknowledge their existence until he acts like a husband and they act like humans

Some of the stuff you mention is the normal differences between families through together by marriage, however some of the things are also far from normal.

Your focus right now is your son, understandbly and maybe you shouldn't make decisions right now that could ahve such an impact on your life.

From what you've said I think you've answered your own question, there is no way back from this. What could he do that would make it better? Exactly nothing!!!!!!

There is no excuse for not being you lunch OR for Dh not to share it with you. Is your DH unhappy with your relationship?

I am so sorry you have had such an awful time.
Tensions within families are normal. When life stops being normal, these tensions are either put aside or make things worse. I am so sorry that they are making this even more miserable for you.

How are you now? healthwise? and how is your son? Put the pair of you first right now, get your own strength up and look after both of you. Once you are over your immediate health concerns, then you can tackle DH and his family. I know and understand how hurt and betrayed you must feel. However, I would try to find ways to get through Christmas without any huge life changing confrontations, for your son?s sake and your own health. Then, once Christmas is out of the way you will have had time to get a bit of perspective and be able to confront DH about all of this.

As tempting as it is to say "F789K them, tell them to never visit again" and kick DH out too, I agree with LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta and suggest you hang fire and focus on you and your son.

I am sending you a very unmumsnetty cyber hug as it sounds like you could do with one right now!
{{{{hug}}}}}}

YOu poor poor thing.
YOur IL's sound awful and your DH does sound spineless.
PLease ask him about your DS and why he didn't seek medical help earlier, otherwise it will forever be there causing you resentment.
I hope that you and your DS are OK now and that you can sort out your IL's.
If your DH doesn't say anything, I think you may have to. He seems to be very ostrichlike in all of this, putting his head in the sand and hoping the bad things will go away.

I second Lemontart. Concentrate on yourself, and your son. Tell your DH what you need from him on an immediate practical and emotional level.

All the other stuff with extended family needs to be pushed aside. Cancel xmas eve or just go with it if that makes you feel better.

I would suggest you get yourself a counsellor to deal with the issue of your hysterectomy and your son's illness. Once you feel able to handle those issues you might find that you are strong enough to feel you can manage as a couple and not need the missing support from the PIL.

Sounds lame but maybe they just don't want to interfere. Some people need to be told what you want from them.

Hello

Try googling Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if anything rings any bells.

Your PILs and your husband sound to me like they are afflicted with this disorder to a degree.

Don't be put off by the extreme symptoms they describe on many of the sites....this disorder is on a spectrum, and as you research deeper into this I would be very surprised if you don't find your PILs there. As for your husband....I am just in the final stages of divorcing one like this after 20 years.

Don't do what I did, and let it ruin your life when you are still young. Resentment eats you up, and you end up madder than they are...in an insane way, not an angry way...though anger is always there of course.

Sending you strength and love, and am happy to chat to you about NPD if you need to.

xxxx

You and DH need to see a counsellor and get this out in the open. You need to be strong together for your wonderful little child. xxxxx

What a terrible time you've had. I'm so sorry things have been so devastatingly difficult for you.

Oh, what a terrible, terrible time you have had, and are having. I am so sorry.

I can tell you (from experience) that extreme anxiety and the tougest times over a sick child will expose every shredded nerve in the way different people react to different things. It is hard fo anyone to maintain anything nirmal, and so easy for small things to feel like huge hurts.

It sounds as if if your DH has been 'under the thumb' of his parents all his life. His mother has probably laid down the law and brainwashed him on every subject under the sun, and has relented your incoming influence over hi. Although stading up to her is what he should do, he has had no experience of it - it will be frightening fo him. It sounds as if he glosses over the unpleasant facts and looks to the good - didn't want to scare you about your DS's condition while you were in hospital? Accepted his M's rationale that going to the canteen 'gave you a beak'.

Does he know how betrayed and alone and vulnerable it leaves you when he takes all his cues fom his mother?

Can you explain to him gently that in order to support your little boy as a united team, you need not to have his Ps undermining you and leaving you feeling alone and undermined?

Have you talked at all about what happened when your little boy's symptoms were getting worse?

Blue and all you other beautiful MNers, why did I not ask for your support and help before..

Here's some answers to things...

I picked my husband and DS up from airport the night before my op and saw my son's eye not quite right (at all so how did he a) not mention it and b) not do anything) and because of my distress, my husband took him to the walk-in centre who said it was conjunctivitis - utter rubbish. But in any case, I had no option but to have my op as I'd been misdiagnosed for so many years and the op had been brought forward to the problems I had.

When the boys came to see me on the Fri (2 days after op) my son's eye had stopped working and he looked terrible...so I discharged myself and took him to A&E with my husband saying he'd take me home and he'd take him to A&E - yeah right! As if!

The issue is I've always been spot-on with my son and his health. I do not over-react although it could be seen as such as I've pushed and pushed re: allergic reaction to foods and a bad chest - which turned out to be a serious mould allergy - which my husband dismissed as things kids in the UK just get.

His parents also kept saying 'when GC is old enough we'll treat him to McDonalds' and 'oh, I thought he was allergic to peanuts'.....when I have repeatedly told them he is allergic to ALL nuts, sesame seeds (McDs?????) and eggs as well as mould??? Do they just not listen to me or what?

Yes, some of you have said the feelings I have would be totally normal considering the past few months, and there is a level of guilt that I still went and had my op whilst I had doubt (serious doubts) over my DS's eye which then got considerably worse in those few days I was in hospital. He could not come and see me as I was recovering on a gynae ward and so that was not acceptable for him to come see me.

I feel guilt over my husband having to do so much for our DS whilst I was so sick before my operation, but then isn't that we sign up for (in sickness (and lots of it) and in health)?

I also know the MIL has looked after our DS and been heard to say..'never mind, your mummy can't cope so we have to look after you' before I had my operation. Urm no, lady..it was because at least if you looked after him for one or two days each week, we didn't have to see you at weekends.

She also came up to me at our wedding (which I paid for along with my parents) and his parents had said they'd put cash behind the bar - but came up to me, not him, and said they would no put the cash behind the bar because it was £4.20 for a bottle of Stella?? Yes, it's 5 star hotel and I've just paid £120 for each of his bl**dy family to eat a lavish meal and supposedly enjoy our special day...not only that but DH's father wouldn't even put £1 in a sweepstake which raises money for my uncle's parish in South America to help pay for vaccinations for children in the village...you know why..he said 'you cannot give money to him (my uncle who is a priest and had just married us) as for all we know he pockets the cash and is probably driving a Rolls..' and he said this to one of my bridesmaids who is not one to stir things up at all.

Urgh..I just hurt to the core - I hurt because I feel so let down my husband. Cannot write DH anymore as the D does not apply.

In reply to people who suggested counselling, well, we've been fortunate enough to have a therapist the hospital due to our son's cancer - and he attended the first few but as soon as the therapist suggested he write his parents a letter explaining his issues and our issues with them, he was all 'yes, yes, I will write to them etc etc' and then after that, no letter and husband never attended again, citing that I should go alone as I am struggling more than he is with my son's diagnosis.

And yes, I am. I think about whether his dianosis would have been better if I'd not had my op, but then I would be too sick to look after him. I struggle as I don't know if this is his last Xmas and his last birthday in January as he only has a 50% chance of living another 5 years. My husband says I am being too emotional and pessimistic and shouldn't dwell on things. NOT dwell????? I am being realistic surely! I cannot get my head in a place where everything is lovely and normal, because it's not.

Maybe I am the one who has let my son down. I should have taken him to the hospital as soon as I picked them up at the airport. I should have never allowed my husband to talk me into not having it out with his parents.

Resentment..horrid place to be and feel so weak to do anything about anything.

Oh, you poor thing, am so sorry all this trouble has come at once.

Your ILs sound horrid and cruel. And dh sounds spineless, at best. No idea what you can do about it, though, apart from make it clear he has to put you and ds first.

Just re-read a few more messages and yes, I have spoken to husband about feeling let down and that I resent him for not dealing with his parents over the years, and due to the disagreements over the whole issue, we no longer discuss it. It's easier that way.

Plus there's no s*x and hasn't been for ages - the thought of it turns my tummy if I am honest. We sleep in seperate rooms as our DS regressed somewhat at diagnosis and would no longer sleep on his own whihc the professionals tell us is normal. So I sleep with our son and husband sleeps in other room. I want to sleep with son so I can see him breathing and that he's okay, and if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can see him safe and sound next to me. Again, the therapist says this is normal considering the lack of control we have over his cancer now.

I could cry for you having to go through this. You really are so right to be with your son and forget anyone who fails to support you. And of course, you had to have the operation - sometimes we have to entrust our dcs to others, and you would be fair in thinking that his father would take the responsibility seriously.

oldlife I can relate to some of the things you feel, my son is not ill in the same way but has a very rare condition which is only normally found in children post mortem or after their first stroke or bleed. We are lucky that DS also has CP so during an MRI it was spotted. He has an 80% change of having a bleed before he reaches adulthood.

My DH cannot cope with this at all, whereas I treat every day like a blessing and every special occasion as if it the best thing ever.

We sleep in seperate beds and I co-sleep with my 4 yr old DS - I would never forgive myself if he had a bleed alone in his room and couldn't get to me.

His lack of support is eye-watering, but for his mother he will do anything...I resent him on a regular basis and have started to lose my respect for him sometimes.

His father was a bully who did nothing and his mother is a middleclass mouse (with a wasted oxford degree) who ran round after him without complaining or standing up for herself.

The children (my DH and sister) are very emotionally damaged by the toxic way the ILs parented, and after years of guilt regarding the way his father treated his mother feels overly responsible for her - but not me because I am strong .

He perhaps doesn't have it in him to stand up to them, after a lifetime of being told what to do/think.

I can offer nothing but my deepest empathy.

Oh my, I do hope your little lad pulls through. Do not blame your self, it is not good for your son, he needs a strong mammy not someone who is riddled with guilt.
Remember, We can only make decisions with the information we have TODAY. You can't blame your self for the past.

And I sorry for swearing .. I was very wrong to have done that.

oldlife, you poor thing - I am so sad for you at the situation you are in. Your H sounds like a prize arse now, with the extra info. There are times to be mindlessly optimistic and times not to be - and it is in no way supportive to ignore and downplay your entirely understandable worries about your son. Does he not care about your DS? Is he so selfish and heartless? Or is it just a cover because he doesn't want to appear weak and allowing himself to dwell on it might cause cracks to appear in his demeanour? (I am not excusing him in any way by suggesting the last, it is an immature emotional response if that is what he is doing.)

Concentrate on keeping yourself well so that you can be strong for your son - thank God you had the operation so that you have better health yourself, and thank God they brought it forward so that you had had it by the time your DS needed diagnosing. If you hadn't had it, your DS wouldn't have you being as strong as you are now, so it is good that you had it.

Sounds like your H is a bit of a lost cause to me - but don't do anything while your son is so in need of your love, support and care - wait until he is on the mend (pray God!) and then evaluate whether your H is more of a drain than a help.

Gosh, I don't know what to write except, how sorry I am for all the horrid stuff that's come your way
I agree that marriage counselling may be the best way to properly talk through things with your husband - perhaps his behaviour is his way of "dealing" with things, then perhaps you can try again to face his mother (what a shocker) together?
I'll say a prayer for you and your little boy....

It sounds likeyour DH is in denial about your DS's illness, how serious it is, and relies on you tremendously. You sound like an incredibly strong woman, and dare I say, DH's parents may feel a bit intimidated by you? You seem to have an amazing ability to cope through thick and thin. Some of their comments may be irritating, but they don't sound evil - perhaps more out of their depth, and a bit, um, gauche?

AM not making excuses for them, but you seem to be a mother who a force to be reckoned with, when you are well. Reading your inital post, you seem to want your DH to have the observational skills of you, and are angry at him for not being you.

He sounds as if he desperately wants to please you.

My God you women are good!

I am a strong (read head-strong / stubborn) woman. For years I defended the choI had made for my husband to my family who never gave hin a chance and then once we were married, they now tolerate him. Having said that, they will not tolerate his family after the many things they have done - and which have never been dealt with. How am I meant to deal with a MIL who, after I have excused myself to go try to feed my son who is a week old, who then finds his MIL stroking his head whilst I desperately try to feed him???? I told my husband and asked him to speak with her and after many promises nothing happened. I would change my DS nappy as a baby, get up and when I returned from throwing the napp out, who would be in the place on the floor I had just vacated? Oh, you know what, the list is endless. And because I've constantly asked my husband to speak with his mother and dreadful father, and after him promising soooo many times, it's been nearly 4 years since our son was born and it 4 years too many times my husband has gone back on promises to speak with them about their behaviour. I mean fancy coming into the hospital to see their GC who has just been diagnosed with this awful cancer, and they try to wake him up by poking him - I looked to my husband to speak up and ask them to lave him alone - he's not an object, but a living, breathing person who has feelings and who when asleep, does not deserve to be poked..so I had to ask them to leave otherwise I was going to have a full-on row and I don't wish for my DS to be tarnished by anything I do.

I must say that our DS loves his daddy and m husband is good with him. Someone earlier had said he neglected his son by not doing anything about his eye but I probably feel betrayed that he didn't tell me there was something wrong, but then I guess I neglected the whole situation by going ahead and having my op.

MarmadukeScarlet - bless you and many thanks for your advice and for sharing your experience. I'm glad I am not the only one who craves to be near there DS for fear of something happening to them. All we ever want to with our children is wrap them up in cotton-wool and now, even more so when the doctors tell us terrible things lay ahead.

My husband is good with our DS and has taken the whole thing very badly and even ended up hating our DS's consultant when he asked the doctor about relapse and the doctor was very blunt and said treatment would be wholly palliative and that nothing else could or would be done. I'd already known this. We'd already discussed it but he took it very badly when he heard this from our DS's doctor.

Many have suggested I don't do anything right now and wait for real life to resume now treatment has finished.

Here's the dilemma....I am in the place in my head where I want my son's life to count. I want every day to be superb. I want every birthday and Christmas to be like it was his last..because there's a huge chance it might just be. That is fact and the reality we face. Now I know that accidents do happen and things can occur which are out of our control, but when a doctor says your so has a 50% chance of being alive in 5 years, it suddenly hits home that I want those next 5 years and however long he does survive, to be happy and full of smiles. Would this happen if I stay with my husband or is it more likely if I leave him? I am also scared that if I leave or ask him to leave or whatever, then my DS's mind will be poisoned by the in-laws on those days I am not with my DS. I also live in the home town of my husband and so am far from family and proper friends.

As for Christmas Eve, I found out today that our DS now has surgery on the 23rd - only a short procedure to take his central line out under a general anaesthetic (of which this will be his 38th this year), and so come the 24th Dec, our DS will be sore and tired, and no doubt we'll be tired too. I therefore mentioned we should move the Christmas Eve thing to his parents as at least we can exit at will whereas if they're here, it's more difficult to ask them to leave plus it will be left to me to cook, clean, entertain etc. To be honest, the husband does not even listen to his mother - he just nods and doesn't actually hear - which I know many women will be saying they know exactly what I am talking about! An example of this was this year when his mother came and told me to book some flights so they could come see us as we were going to spend some time in Spain due to our son's mould allergy - she said that my husband had agreed the dates and for me to book them for her as she did not know how to use the easyjet site...so despite these dates meaning one trip was for 3 weeks and another for 4 weeks, I went ahead and booked and thoughy maybe my husband knew something about their trip such as they were hiring a car and going off to do their own thing during that time as well as spending time with us - a few days later I asked what he knew about these trips and he did not know what I was talking about. So either she lied or he just nodded at her when she told him about her intentions and dates. Anyway, one example...but back to the point, when I asked him what he thought tonight about Christmas Eve, he said it was up to me as I was the one who wanted it at ours initially (because I cannot stand to be on 'their territory'). He just wimped out instead of making a stand and telling me what he really wanted to do. Urgh. I wish it wasn't Christmas right now so as we could have it out instead of having family obligations hanging over us at a really difficult time.

Sorry it's another long post but I am finally feeling like I am getting somewhere in my head to take action when I feel strong enough - not sure what action but I need to do something otherwise I am going to end up hating my husband and hating his parents even more.