Resentment is eating me alive - DH and his parents (sorry, it's very long)

[hsanders]

Why won't my husband stand up to his parents? Why won't he support me and tell them where they are so wrong in so many things with us?

Just a couple of examples..in May this year, I had major surgery which included an hysterectomy (aged 33) and then our only child was diagnosed with cancer 4 days later....did the MIL bring lunch for both myself and her darling son to the hospital? Did she (excuse my language..I can feel my blood pressure boiling just writing this)!

She continued to relish the idea of me skipping off for a cry in the hospital canteen each time they visited and my DH never once told them that it would be nice for them to bring me lunch (and he didn't share his either...the rows we had went something like 'it gives you a break to head to the canteen'...'they're hurting too as he's their only Grandchild').

Plus the MIL complained I didn't send her a thank you card for a birthday present I received a few days before my op...hello? I had my op, then discharged myself to sort my son out....when would I send her a card when I am trying to cope with my only child having a 50% chance of survival and enjoying his 9th birthday in 5 years? And when have I ever received a thank card from them in the 11 years I've known them?

More examples? Oh I could bore you...but the long and short of it is....I 'found' an email she sent slagging me off to her family (who I thought liked me) saying that it was one rule for my family and one rule for theirs....yes, my DH doesn't even like his parents (or so he says), I buy all their birthday gifts, cards...tell him that they've not seen our son for ages so he should organise for them to see him (whereas they think I am stopping them seeing our DS) etc etc etc.

Essentially I completely resent my husband for saying he would have a long chat with his parents about their 'behaviour' and that they need to show us respect as our DS, DH and I are a family and we do things our way. During this whole last six months our DS has undergone major chemo and radiotherapy, 38 general anaesthetics, sooo much heartache it's unreal and we've had to support my DH's parents. They never offer anything whereas my parents who live 120 miles away always ensure they make it 'known' they're around to support us to enable us to support our DS.

My husband kept saying he'd talk to them about how we feel and he's bottled it every single time. 'I'll write a letter' blah blah blah. I am now being polite to the in-laws and even having them over for Xmas Eve but only because I cannot bear the thought of going there...

As I write I've dawned across another thing...here's the issue...I resent my husband because at no point in the week before my surgery did he tell me about our son's deteriorating symptoms (I was in the UK for a week for pre-op tests and they were in Spain). I spoke to DH 2-3 times every day and no mention of any symptoms. The in-laws were with them both also and yet none of them thought to take my DS, my only ever child and I cannot have more and no-one thought to a) tell me his eye had stopped moving and was poking out of his head or b) take him to a doctor?

I hate my husband sometimes and resent him, but hate feeling this way. He talks, I growl under my breath with resentment...I cannot see a way back to where we were before.

Thanks daisydreams

Wheredid

So sorry that you're dh didn't live up to expectations at Christmas.

I agree with Daisy that dh and his family just don't get it. They clearly can't cope. They've delegated all responsibility to you and what makes me mad is that it's distracting you from your feelings and experience over the last months with your and your ds's health.

I have to say my dh is like yours when it comes to his family. Only tonight my mil (who thankfully lives abroad) has called him about his father and I get home to a bonkers dh who cannot think about his only child ds as he's caught up in mil's needs. So god only knows what you are feeling.

Enjoy your ds - block dh and family out. I know it goes against the grain but every ounce of time spent on dh and family is wasted - you need your energy for your ds.

I wish you all the best things and long for the day you are able to just spend 24 hours wtihout considering people who drain your soul.

Thanks tryingherbest (wish I'd thought of that name!)

Things have gone on a bit since yesterday. DH apologised last night and said I was right about everything (which is major, as he's never claimed this before). I had said he was tired and that's why he shot off on one about our DS playing up for bedtime! Just normal kid's behaviour!!

Anyway, I went to bed without saying goodnight and was fast asleep when DH came to bed and asleep when he left this morning.

Then as I am in the shower, there's 3 really loud knocks on the door and getting louder each time. I'm worried that it may be a neighbour in trouble (due to the urgency of the knocks) and so grab a towel and go down and answer it....it is my FIL, who pushes the door open and says happy new year, stepping into my house whilst I am there with a towel round me and dripping hair.

I am furious. If that had been my Dad, I'd have said, we're just off out as DS is off to nursery school and I've just had a shower. But because I am completely intimidated by this ogre of a man who pushes his way into the house, I am so peeved with myself for letting him in.

Did not make him a coffee and continued to get DS ready to school and then left for school, with FIL leaving saying he was popping to someone else's round the corner...and then when I drove round to leave our road, saw FIL driving away also, so lied about 'popping' into other house.

Plus have also learned that the event my DH's mum held on the Sat before Xmas was all planned and all other members of the family knew about it, except us hence my DH and DS went to 'pop' in as a certain uncle 'may be popping in for a spot of lunch', only to discover the whole family there with an over the top Xmas buffet all spread out for them. He didn't call me to say to get myself there ASAP, but more than that, I blame his parents for deliberately not telling us about it?!!!!

Do not want to leave my DH. That would hand everything to his parents on a platter and they'd end up looking after DS when it was my DH's turn because he's too soft to say no. I want this marriage to work but unless he tells his parents where to go, I am not sure I can put up with this level of resentment for them within me.

why was your FIL there?

Yes, I forgot about them excluding you. They cannot justify anythikng they do.

Something is really really not right here and yes, you're dh, like mine, delegates all his parental responsibility to mil and in your case also your fil.

What an earth - doesn't fil wait to be invited in and you in a towel, there are no boundaries - my mil was like this when I was trying to breatfeed. I made it clear it was something I'd do alone and it's my choice 0 she kept walking in so one day I shut the door and a voice boomed 'what are you doing to make that child cry' (erm latching on difficulties love!) and the door is flung open and she's standing there hands on hips.

They need boundaries - your dh needs to set them. And, yes, it would be awful for a marriage to split up over this - but it happends.

There was a thread recently where the posters mil had set it up so the OP wasn't invited to family wedding. It was a very difficult time for her as her dh knew that mil that left out his own wife and initially went along with it. Try finding that one and see how she handled it. Her dh was also very much under mils thumb.

But this is very serious and your husband has betrayed you by going along with this big family gathering. You are his family. You are the mother of his child. You need your dh's input with ds (how is he?) - ds needs a united front with his parents - not a dad who just buggers off to mil and fil constantly and lets them walk all over you and your ds. I also feel that children who see one parents being marginalised may also feel that they can be rude to the marginalised parent.

Do you see any opportunity for some counselling, perhaps?

Thanks tryingherbest.

Had counselling together when DS was diagnosed with cancer. I still go but DH stopped going after a few sessions.

Just had a massive chat with him which started about me being upset about being intimidated about his dad and about the way he pushed into the house this morning when I only had a towel round me.

DH has decided to stop communication with his parents and even went as far as saying that if he never saw them again, he could not care less.

I did tell him perhaps we should seperate for a bit and see what happens. He reacted quite sadly and said he did not want that. I made it known that the 'thing' tearing us apart is his lack of control or standing up to is parents since we had our son 4 years ago - funny you say about the whole breastfeeding thing - my MIL did the same and even though I'd excused myself and gone upstairs for the latching on battle, she would then come up, sit down and stroke my DS's head????????? Why do MILs feel they can do this?

Funnily enough, a text came from his mum when we were nearing the end of our very tearful chat, and he said what do you want m to say - I said either don't reply or be very strong and say this week has been hard and made harder by his dad turning up and pushing into the house whilst I had a towel round me.

I am going to have another chat tonight just to say that not seeing his parents and making the decision to shut them out has GOT to be his decision, not mine. I don't want it thrown back in my face at a later date.

Just sat and read through, really sorry to read about all the crap you've had to deal with ontop of having a very sick child.

I agree that that decision to have no further contact has to be your dh's ( possibly when things have calmed down and the IL's have had time to come to terms it may be worth seeing them on neautral territory depending on how much your ds mises them...)

In addition you should have no compunction in saying to PIL now is not a convient time (like it's not obvious!!) and asking them to leave you have no need to be polite they will do as they have done anyway you have given the benifit of the doubt you no longer have to tolerate their unreasonable behaiour.

Just wanted to say good luck and I will keep an eye out for you

I've just read this thread with huge sympathy for you.

You and your dh are clearly under terrific stress - please don't make it harder for you and ds by separating...but do stand up to your ILs. You say your dh is a good dad...it would make it much harder for your ds if you separate.

It does sound as though your dh is trying very hard...would he return to counselling with you?

Thanks mamhaf and DorisIsAPinkDragon (like we didn't know that already! - btw, why did I not dream up some lovely name like you fellow MNers?)

I do love my DH. I absolutely love our DS. He's funny, caring, loving and fabulous in many ways - and that's down to both myself and my DH. I cannot take the credit. My DH is a wonderful father and husband..when his parents are not poking their nose in.

You're right. I should have been stronger this morning and am no longer going to be intimidated by them at all. I've always sat back and waited for my DH to deal with them. Well if and when they turn up again, I will tell them exactly what I want etc. However, I will also lay off my DH in how he deals with them. He's always hated confrontation, which is no excuse but all I want is to feel like he is 'siding' with me, not them, and by remaining quiet, this makes me feel the complete opposite and that he sides with them not me. But of course, this is not the case.

Right now, all that matters is that our lovely DS is happy and has the best life possible because noone knows how long he has. He may still live into his 40s, and if he does, we'll have to deal with all the things like him infertility due to the massive chemo doses, his need for being statemented in a few years, the bone structure of his face and head which will have been affected by the radiotherapy, the fear he may have a stroke due to the radiotherapy, the severe growth hormone treatment he'll need in 2-3 years time. So even if our DS makes it our lives and more importantly, our DS's life will not be unaffected by any stretch of the imagination due to his cancer.

And therefore as a family unit, my DH, DS and I need to be thinking about how we are going to provide the best for ourselves and live each day to the most full.

To do this means 'managing' what the in-laws do much more. I feel as though if I were a little more up-front (such as turning his father away this morning), this would have at least started a 'conversation' where what we want said, gets said and then we all move on and eventually, things settle down and the relationship changes to where we need it to be..or at least more so.

Perhaps that's wishful thinking.

But at least for the first time in ages, I am looking forward to snuggling up to my DH tonight. That's a nice feeling, and I've missed it. We've cleared the air somewhat and I'd like to keep going that way.

If anyone's interested in reading about our DS's battle with cancer, I've taken to writing a blog at leosteam.blogspot.com which goes through everything starting 10 days after diagnosis through to today (leaving out the IL battles along the way).

Thanks to all MNers who have read and posted your advice here. It's been a great help over the past month and more.

And all the very best to you and your family - you're a lovely person and you have a beautiful family.

Just looked at your blog - he's a darling little boy - you must be very proud of him.

I can't begin to imagine what a hard time you and your dh are having - do get all the support you can and look after yourselves well so that you're strong enough to look after your son.

And I'm sure everyone who's contributed to this thread will be thinking of you and you'll be in the prayers of many.