Resentment is eating me alive - DH and his parents (sorry, it's very long)

[hsanders]

Why won't my husband stand up to his parents? Why won't he support me and tell them where they are so wrong in so many things with us?

Just a couple of examples..in May this year, I had major surgery which included an hysterectomy (aged 33) and then our only child was diagnosed with cancer 4 days later....did the MIL bring lunch for both myself and her darling son to the hospital? Did she (excuse my language..I can feel my blood pressure boiling just writing this)!

She continued to relish the idea of me skipping off for a cry in the hospital canteen each time they visited and my DH never once told them that it would be nice for them to bring me lunch (and he didn't share his either...the rows we had went something like 'it gives you a break to head to the canteen'...'they're hurting too as he's their only Grandchild').

Plus the MIL complained I didn't send her a thank you card for a birthday present I received a few days before my op...hello? I had my op, then discharged myself to sort my son out....when would I send her a card when I am trying to cope with my only child having a 50% chance of survival and enjoying his 9th birthday in 5 years? And when have I ever received a thank card from them in the 11 years I've known them?

More examples? Oh I could bore you...but the long and short of it is....I 'found' an email she sent slagging me off to her family (who I thought liked me) saying that it was one rule for my family and one rule for theirs....yes, my DH doesn't even like his parents (or so he says), I buy all their birthday gifts, cards...tell him that they've not seen our son for ages so he should organise for them to see him (whereas they think I am stopping them seeing our DS) etc etc etc.

Essentially I completely resent my husband for saying he would have a long chat with his parents about their 'behaviour' and that they need to show us respect as our DS, DH and I are a family and we do things our way. During this whole last six months our DS has undergone major chemo and radiotherapy, 38 general anaesthetics, sooo much heartache it's unreal and we've had to support my DH's parents. They never offer anything whereas my parents who live 120 miles away always ensure they make it 'known' they're around to support us to enable us to support our DS.

My husband kept saying he'd talk to them about how we feel and he's bottled it every single time. 'I'll write a letter' blah blah blah. I am now being polite to the in-laws and even having them over for Xmas Eve but only because I cannot bear the thought of going there...

As I write I've dawned across another thing...here's the issue...I resent my husband because at no point in the week before my surgery did he tell me about our son's deteriorating symptoms (I was in the UK for a week for pre-op tests and they were in Spain). I spoke to DH 2-3 times every day and no mention of any symptoms. The in-laws were with them both also and yet none of them thought to take my DS, my only ever child and I cannot have more and no-one thought to a) tell me his eye had stopped moving and was poking out of his head or b) take him to a doctor?

I hate my husband sometimes and resent him, but hate feeling this way. He talks, I growl under my breath with resentment...I cannot see a way back to where we were before.

Sorry - my most recent posting was rather long and scattered with spelling errors. Sorry.

I am so sorry that you are going through that and for your son. I would cancel the Christmas eve thing and just stay home with your family, sod the in-laws. Let them just lump it tbh. Don't waste any more energy on them, you need it for yourself and your son.

Tell your husband to grow a backbone too, does he not realise that his priorities are you and his son?!! He needs to understand that and fast imo, his parents shouldn't be on the same scale at all.

I cannot believe it was said about "Their only gc", I'm amazed; he's your son ffs. Your son, you carried him and gave him life. In-laws should be ashamed, not even bringing you lunch but bringing your husband? He should also feel ashamed, he needs to stop being a child and start being a man.

you REALLY REALLY need to get this book, Toxic Parents. really. And your H needs to read it too.

Your DS, who I have deduced is 4yo, is having an op on 23rd Dec. He is not going to be in a fit state for company or excitement or much else, certainly not too much travelling around, on 24th Dec. If your H can't see that by himself, you will just have to make a stand and tell him. Have a quiet one with him at home. Tell your ILs that you need to concentrate on his wellbeing and that involves him being kept quiet and tranquil, no excitement, lots of rest. (I know it's only central line removal but so what?)

I have a lot of sympathy with your situation - my niece was diagnosed with a brain tumour aged 1 3/4 - she was very lucky to have it all removed in a 9 hour op but still has a shunt in place. She has to be checked for the next 5-10 years for any sign of recurrence - she is a lucky one, her tumour was benign (although it would have still been the end of her without removal as it was blocking the fluid channels and her brain was under enormous pressure). The wait we had to find out the status, know how her treatment had gone and go through the op and the follow-up scans was horrendous - yet small in comparison to what you are going through.

Your H needs to acknowledge the reality of the situation - have you been offered MacMillan support? The nurses are excellent, but it may be that they are only offered when you are into the palliative care arena, I'm not sure.

Whether you would be able to give your DS a better life with or without your H is not a question you can hope to answer at the moment. Just give yourself some space - your H can look after himself, your ILs are relatively irrelevant at the moment, and you must concentrate on you and your DS and getting the most out of being with him. Please remember you are still recuperating yourself as well - give your body time to adjust to its new condition.

Sleep well - you need to keep your strength up. (((hugs)))

So, so sorry that your little one isn't well and that you're being diverted by inlaws.

They sound like hell to me and your husband a little boy himself.

Try to blot them out of your mind until your little one is on an even keel, then decide on your feelings for your husband.

My dh is similar to yours and mil as well. DH idolises his mum who is crap and OBSESSED with out little one but women like this end up taking the attention away from the kids. My mil had a nervous breakdown when my ds had a high temperature. I was about to pop him into pushchair and take him to walk in centre and she was crying hysterically on the floor and called my dh to come home and wouldn't let me out until dh arrived. ffs I've learnt to ignore her - she's an 'adult' and should learn to control herself.

Do not do ANYTHING that you don't think is in your son's best interest. IGNORE pils and ignore dh if necessary as well. You know where your priorities lie and if dh doesn't - well then he's not much of a man.

You need to be fit and well for the task ahead and your little angel needs you SO DO NOT BE DIVERTED BY THEM AT ALL.
Very much wishing all the best for you and your son.

Thanks all you lovely MNers.

Isn't it typical..I reach out for help and support, and then my DS decides he's a big boy and wants to sleep in his own room (or the first time since diagnosis in May!), and so I went to bed early with a sleeping tablet! Best night's sleep I've had in ages!

H went to work today for first time since our DS's diagnosis and for some reason, this has helped me see things more clearly! A bit of normality is obviously what we need.

Ironically, because I have been so down of late, my H returned from the supermarket yesterday with some flowers for me...he's a good soul...just not sure whether he's the soul I met and want to be with.

Had a good look through Amazon at the Toxic Parents and have purchased this book and others. He may get the hint!

Your support has made me realise perhaps I am harsh on my H but it's his parents and lack of backbone which I resent. So I can do something about this after reading these books and my H will no doubt realise what's going on in my head.

So are you just going to bide your time.

Look, the ONLY thing that is important here is quality of life for you and your son. Nothing else matters, frankly and,only grandson or not, the ILs are just going to have to take a back seat.
You, as the parent, need to do ONLY what you (and DS) feel up to re: Christmas. Everyone else should be dancing round you, supporting you as much as possible (your recovery from a major op seems to have been lost in all this.
And FWIW, try not to beat yourself up about the delay in taking your DS to A&E. It's highly unlikely that a few days would have made much difference.

theramones - yes, probably but don't feel emotionally strong enough to actually do anything - also fear what people will think as DS is not a bad man, but I am not sure that what we had is now there as I've built up too much resentment over the last four years and perhaps our son's cancer has just highlighted that we're not as together as we thought we were.

Clam - thanks for your words of advice also. Sadly, H's family do not and have never run around after other people (case in point is the whole sandwiches thing at the hospital when I'd had major surgery one week before and our DS had just been diagnosed). So I've brought the whole IL's with us forward to the day before our DS's next surgery on Dec 23rd and they will have to leave when I ask them as we have to be at the hospital for 7.30am the next day.

One thing I have made a stand on is I am in no way responsible for buying nice presents for MIL and FIL - sod that. My H can do it and I don't care. You know what - they only get nice photos and gifts like mugs with his picture on when I get off my backside to do it - the DDDH (!) would never do it. May be just a bloke thing or perhaps he's become too dependent on me as I always want to give people nice gifts and know the delight they'd get from a photo calender etc. Tough!

Bought the Toxic In-Laws book on Amazon and should arrive soon - and hopefully before Dec 22nd when the in-law's arrive.

DS back in my bed after one night in his own bed, bless him. And we're preparing for a trip to Disneyland Paris next Monday - just myself, DH and gorgeous DS.

Also I've booked his 4th birthday party at the end of January and when I told the H how much it was going to be, he bit his tongue, for once....yes, it will cost us alot but the way I see it is our DS may not see his next birthday. The most risky time for him in terms of relapse is the next 2 years and the risk decreases over the following 3 years. Who cares how much things cost as far as DS is concerned? You cannot magic memories out of thin air and I work hard so am going to have a fab birthday for him.

H also starts new job in January so who knows what that'll bring? I keep fantasising he'll meet a lovely lady and have an affair and then he'll leave me...sadly I don't think he has the bottle!

FFS I need to sort my life out in order to give our DS the best life ever....

Sorry another rant....and it's got me nowhere.........

bless you, you seem to have taken control of the bits that matter NOW. well done. Get the op and Christmas over and out the way, then DS's party, then one step at a time.

I hope you have a fab time in Disneyland Paris - I went there 15 years ago when it had just opened and had a great time - although, being a bit weird, my fave part was the petting farm where they had a massive 2 tier cage full of guineapigs, lots of babies! And I loved the Peter Pan ride, don't know if it's still there.

clam - just thought to say that it's not that I resent H totally over not taking DS to A&E - it's more than for an entire week, he never once told me anything about his eye not looking right.

And so when I picked them up from the airport, his right eye looked like an alien - the resent also grew within myself and I blame myself because the next day the walk-in centre said it was conjunctivitis which it blatantly wasn't but because I was already in hospital for my op then, I couldn't take my DS myself.

If I had, I would have really pushed the nurse who saw him because he had none of the symtoms of conjunctivitis, only an eye pushing out of his head which over the 4 days I was in hospital, actually stopped moving, which believe me, looks really wierd when the other eye is doing what it's meant to.

No fever, no discharge, no nothing - juts this eye sticking, literally, out of his head. Which is why when I sneaked out to the reception of the ward 4 days after my operation (DS could not come in as it was a gynae ward), I discharged myself as his eye had actually stopped working. Again, when talking to husband phone after my op, he said his eye was fine and that he was doing well with him ointment for conjunctivitis!!!

We later learned that the tumour he has is so aggressive that it only took 1-2 weeks to grow to this point and by the time I discharged myself, the tumour had gone from his eye, eaten through the eye socket and was by then pressing against his brain. In those few days, it went from being a stage 1 cancer with 80-90% 5 year survival to stage 3, inoperable and less than 50% chance of survival. If I had stuck to my instincts and not been talked out of it or being melodramatic by DH (?), I would have taken DS to A&E on the morning I was meant to go to hospital myself and yes, you're right, it may not have made any difference by that stage and we'll never know....but how could he not mention his eye on the phone during the 2 or 3 daily conversations we had whilst they were away and again whilst I was in hospital? His mother was also with him...did she not think DS looked a bit odd? Is she that wrapped up in herself that she would rather have 'precious' time with him whilst I wasn't around than make sure he is okay and get him to the hospital?

Sorry - another long one. I just keep going up and way, way down in terms of resenting H and hating his parents. I just wonder what life would be like now if I'd been around and not in the UK for pre-op assessments and then not having my operation.

Yes, I blame myself. Yes, I wished I didn't. But I also blame my husband and in-laws as they were the ones looking after DS for one week and at no point did they think about him and that perhaps an eye poking out of his head may be a issue which a doctor needed to see...

Just read my post again and realised I just need to get over it. It is what it is. DS still had cancer whichever way you look at it. DH and his parents are not to blame for the cancer. Noone is BUT they should be more caring over DS and surely have got him checked out. Why is it I always have to sort out medical stuff? Is it a maternal thing?

wheredidmylifego...it is not natural that your PIL and DH spend more time worried about each other than you and your DS.
If my DD was ill I know DH would be moving heaven and earth to get the best treatment, staying up with her all night etc. Concern for a child is not confined to the mother. I know my dad would be gutted too, he often comes down to help me (I am disabled) and he is 85!!!!

Also, I had a grandmother (my dad's mum) who was totally toxic. The whole world had to revolve round her. She bullied and controlled all the family and my dad was totally scared of her, completely under the thumb. This went on for years and years and my gran used to take me and my brother aside and really slag our parents off to us. She also used to tell my mum in front of everyone that she was crap, a bad cook, a bad mum etc etc. My dad did nothing...he's a "anything for a quiet life" person. It was vile.
After many years (I was around 15) my mum had a nervous collapse and started screaming at my dad "why did you never defend me against your bloody mother, that bitch!" It was very upsetting but my dad is and was a total "placater" i.e. he is terrified of any form of confrontation and will do placate and appease rather than face unpleasant truths.

I seriously would advise you to cut off all contact with your in laws. My grandmother has been dead 20 years and she still hangs over the family like a spectre.

I have since managed to talk to my dad about it and he admitted he did not handle it well, but he honestly felt ignoring it was best, even though it ending up eating my mother away.

You and your DH need to concentrate on your son, if your DH can't cope he needs to deal with that, and all his mum will do is tell him he's right (as long as he does what she thinks is right) and you are wrong (as you challenge your MIL's power base).

Your MIL has no compassion at all, she is warped. She is not a good person for you to have around you or your son especially at a time of illlness.

I hope your DS pulls thorught his very difficult time.
Get your own mum down to help.
Try to get your DH to stop running away from everything, unfortunately he has let his mother think for him all his life, so he's going to find that hard.

It might be worth you getting some independent counselling, cancer charities offer it for those with cancer and their families. This will help you get perspective.

Sorry, long post, but I hate to see other families goign through what my grandmother put us through for years.

I'm not sure how helpful this will be to you - my niece had a brain tumour aged 1 3/4, (fortunately a slow growing one, removed successfully) but it took a long time to get a diagnosis. Although my sister did take her to the doc and the hospital, they didn't pick it up. By Boxing Day, the child could no longer walk as her balance was shot, and she had a fit after doing row the boat - my BIL said they had been told they were febrile fits (she'd had 2 before) and no one had explained that you need a fever to have a febrile fit. It took another 2 weeks before my sister conceded that there was something sufficiently wrong that she needed to go to A&E - they went to UCH where there is a dedicated paediatric A&E and they wanted to keep her in. 2 days later she had a shunt fitted to drain the fluid that was causing massive pressure on her brain, and then she had the golf-ball sized tumour removed. The pressure in her brain was such that it is likely it would have been the end of her within a few weeks if it had not been found, even though the tumour was benign.

My point is, I suppose, that it isn't always even a maternal thing - sometimes it takes someone looking at it with fresh eyes (i.e. me, a friend of my mum's) to see the deterioration for what it is.
In your case, I think you would have seen it anyway, but because you hadn't seen him for a few days, it was immediately much more obvious to you that something was very wrong (as it was to me on Boxing Day with my niece).

I keep thinking of you and your DS and pray that he makes it through. In the meantime, be totally selfish for your own and his needs and let the rest of them get on with it. Your H is probably (hopefully anyway) wracked with guilt which could make him more awkward to deal with.

Miggsie - thanks for advice about your grandmother; everything you've said rings true and reading your words, alongside what other MNers have said, I guess I need to realise that my H has done what his mother wants / not listened to her / placated her since he was a teenager which is over 25 years...so it'll take a while for him to change at all.

And here's the thing, I think he's bright enough to realise that once he's read the Toxic In-Laws book (which will help him as my parents are exactly brilliant but are more so than his), he may see things more so from my point of view. I then need for him to decide which tactics he is happy to use, plus I will learn new tactics of what to do and say to the in-law's, which will make all our lives alright and as good as possible for our DS.

thumbElf - thanks for your kind words and I am sorry to hear of your experiences. Hope your niece is doing well and flourishing. DS's cancer is so aggressive that it have only taken one or two weeks more of us not doing anything and there'd have been nothing the doctors could do but palliative. It only took 1-2 weeks to get to where it was when we took him in. The tumour was against his brain and normally it's in the legs or arms in teenagers not 3 year olds - and when it is found in the arm or leg, they amputate as much of the limb as possible..clearly they cannot amputate in our DS's case! I agree that it's not just a maternal thing and yes, me being away from him for a few days may have helped. But that's the guilt I have about leaving him. I guess I need to find a way of living with that.

Thank you to all MNers who have messaged me and posted here on MN. I could not have got through this week without you all.

I am going to let myself go with the flow next week as we take our DS on a very special trip to Disneyland Paris.

Sorry - I need your help again and a little support.

And apologies up front as this is likely to be a lobng one...

So we went to Disneyland with our DS who has spent since May being treated for an aggressive cancer, and thankfully, my DH and I got on brilliantly in more ways than one...IYKWIM.

Came back Friday and then Saturday DH was 'popping up to his parents as his uncle was popping by for some lunch so thought it would be nice for DS to also see him'. Said he'd be home after an hour or two......four hours later, DH and DS return and tell me that his mother had done a full Xmas buffet and the whole family were there......to say I was livid was an understatement. Either DH knew all this but chose not to tell me about it as we had planned to have everyone here on Monday for a Xmas 'do', the day before our DS was having a small operation.

I asked why he didn't think tocall me to tell me to get my backside over there as it was more than 'popping over for lunch'. No reply expect a lame sorry.

DH did see it from my point of view that his mother had deliberately arranged a Xmas get together even though we were meant to be doing it here?!

So Monday comes along and none of us feeling too well so DH calls his family and cancels.

So then DH pops up to his parents to drop off our gifts for them and then pops over and goes out for a quick drink with his brother. That was at 5pm this evening and our DS was waiting to go to bed once Daddy got home. 9pm nothing - and he stumbled in, absolutely hammered! I was reading bedtime stories to our DS, he laid head down on the bed and I asked DH to leave and sleep in the other room as he smelt of alcohol. Not good for our DS!!!! I just told him Daddy wasn't feeling well.

So I was left entertaining our DS all evening, wrapping presents, cooking desserts for my family with whom we are with tomorrow and kept having to tell our DS that Daddy would be home soon...Daddy will be home soon....Daddy will be home soon.

I feel so let down. Our DS may not be here this time next year.His cancer could come back at any moment and has a 50% chance of doing so, which I know means there's just as much chance of it not coming back too.

But why, oh why, is my DH, who I thought was on my side again, getting so drunk on Xmas Eve when he knows how important it was to us to be together? We had just been to the supermart to get food to have an indoors picnic in front of Xmas movies and play with our son...and generally be together...and then he's off out, getting drunk with his brother.

Not sure I can stay with someone who I feel soooo let down by, but then don't want to do anything rash for the sake of our son. I do not want hm thinking Mummy and Daddy don't get along because he's been so sick with cancer....but I need our DS to have the best life ever, just in case; and I cannot give him that whilst I feel so resentful towards my DS.

He's meant to be joining me and our DS on our trip to my family 150 miles away tomorrow, but I am tempted to tell him not to bother and perhaps he should go spend the day with his family if that's where he'd prefer to be.

Urgh...sorry, I did warn you it was a long one.......

Sorry, meant resentful towards my DH, not my DS. I could never resent him, poor thing.

Wheredidmyoldlifego I really and truely feel for you life has delt you an awful hand.
I think as harsh as it may seem your idea of going without him tommorow may be the way to go, that way he can experience you feel being excluded. I also think you need some space from him and the support of your family, you are spending so much time thinking, doing, supporting your son and husband you need to start thinking about how to make life better for you in order for to have strengh to help your son through his illness.

I also think you need to cut his family out your and your sons life they dont have his best intrest at heart. Let your H deal with them on his own but make it clear that you wont tolorate being 2nd best to them any longer.

sleepyeyes, you've hit the nail on the head I totally feel 2nd to his family. Always have..I always defended my choice of partner to my family and that carried on for 7 years until we got married and then for some reason, his parents decided I was no longer good enough. He's never stood up to them.

Problem is, if I really want what's best for our son, is leaving his Daddy behind on Xmas Day really the way to go? It may be what I want but it's not what would be best for our son, is it?

I've just had a thought too..perhaps as much as I resent my H, maybe he resents me as much. I know we both struggled yesterday for example, as the operation our DS had was the final part of his treatment and is such a significant part of the whole cancer experience, as now it's a wait and see game. Perhaps my husband feels happier with his family and maybe me insisting we spend today together was too much and he just felt better going off and letting his hair down with his family?

Just as I write that, can you imagine what he'd be like if I did what he did today?

We're also meant to be going off on a week's holiday from Saturday up in Scotland at a place where other families who have children with cancer will be. We thought it would be a good idea to be with others who know exactly what we're feeling around New Year - and now after today, I do not want to go with my husband but need a break.

I agree with sleepy, go to your parents just you and DS. Let H see how it feels to be excluded.
I'm so sorry for everything you've had to deal with. No other advice to give but I admire your strength.

Thank you JacksFirstChristmasMama. Not sure I am brave enough to do that. I really want to but know in my heart of hearts that it will be the start of the end of our marriage, and should I not wait until after Christmas so as not to ruin it for our DS? If this is our DS's last Christmas, I don't want to be the 'cow' who took him away from his father as that's how his family would tell it, and they'd not be afraid to let our DS know that's exactly what they think. I've been thinking of leaving him for years, before our DS's cancer diagnosis, and my fear if I did would be the time my MIL and FIL would have to plant too many seeds of horrid, negative lies into my DS's mind. They already do that and we're not even seperated, so who knows what will happen if I finally get up the strength to leave, or ask him to leave.

Nearly midnight on Christmas Eve and I am sitting here writing to other MNers, when I should be getting excited and sharing a loving glass of wine with my husband...oh well..

Wheredidmyoldlifego Merry Christmas I will pray for your son and hope he enjoys many more christmassys.

Your a better woman than I in regards to making sure he is with his son on what could be his last Christmas.

Go to the meet up in Scotland might be really useful for him and help him see the way he is dealing with your sons illness isn't right.

Hi H - Been wondering how things were going - found this thread - am sooo sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through but am sending loads of hugs and best wishes to you. Was reading your blog and I'm glad your DS enjoyed Disney. He's such a beautiful and brave wee lad (with a beautiful and brave mummy too!)

Wishing you all the best for 2009 - Hope it's a fanastic year for you.

Feel free to get in touch if you need anything - Hope you enjoy your Hogmany

Thanks LMMISXF. Nice to hear from you.

So I bottled it. Decided to go easy as it was Christmas and it may be the last one with our DS due to his cancer and having 50% chance of reaching next Xmas.

However....would you be happy if your DH did not even buy you a card or present from your DS for Xmas? Never mind, he did not buy me a gift either, from himself. We did buy Coldplay tickets and say let's not go major on gifts, but am I wrong to at least have expected to have at least something?

And now we're in a massive row about apologies..tonight, our DS was being a normal 3 year old (soon to be 4 in a few weeks) and playing up going to bed. I went upstairs to help and my DH was so aggressive, I thought he was going to hit me as he went stormed me. He was out of control.

I just told him how upset he has made me feel these last few weeks, and he's said that he's apologised so why do I keep going over things and over things?

Help? Anyone?

They haven't got a clue! The whole and including DH, family. So you tell them what you want. This is no time for pussy footing.If you want lunch brought you tell them, "I want bloody chocolate sandwiches and champagne, get yourself something while you're paying for it, you old bat" with a big smile. You have a licence to be a bit off the wall with all the stress you have right now. You tell them they're big boys and girls and right now they can look after themselves as all your energy is for your son and you. Open and brutally honest, tell them like it is, no time to consider finer feelings - they never gave much thought to yours now, did they? DH not capable of this so it's over to you. Tell him that, you're not dealing with things darling, so I'm it doing it for me, non-negotiable. Not easy at all but what the heck, you are the strong one it seems, save your energies for being the woman you want to be right now. You are in my prayers.