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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just asked dh to move out - tell me I'm doing the right thing.

54 replies

NeedyW · 07/12/2008 15:46

It all relates to this thread

I mean it but I want him to do something to change my mind. I've told him he can stay until tomorrow. I've packed his bag. I've told him he can stay at a b&b and come to get the dcs after school for a couple of hours each day, but he is not to come in and I won't be talking to him right now.

I hope this is the cure and not the end of us.

I'm 4 months pregnant (which I didn't mention in the other thread)

He says he loves me but can't be there for me and he is causing so much aggro and stress. I just think it will be best if he has time to sort himself out.

Background in brief: DH depressed, treating me badly, tried to harm himself but I stopped him and got him on ADs, he stopped taking them after a couple of months without telling me, he got nasty again, he couldn't cope, says he wants to make things better but continuously lies and lets me down, is back on half his previous dose of ADs now (for 5 weeks, so not long enough to have made any difference) and is unwilling to go back up to the full amount (which did work for a while - the half dose was what he was on when he tried to selfharm).

I don't think he realises that his behaviour is pushing us towards divorce (even though I have said I cannot cope with this anymore). It seems as though with him here he has no need to get better IYSWIM.

I can't live with him like this anymore. I'm hoping it will only be for the short term and that the children will believe that he is working extra hours.

Am I doing the right thing? He doesn't want to go and cries and says he loves me, but they're just words.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:01

Anyone?

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 07/12/2008 16:04

I read the other thread. I feel very sorry for your DH,coping with his illness must be awful.

But i feel much sorrier for you and the dc tbh. The fact that you are also pg... You have to look after yourself atm IMO and also the dc.

If you really feel you can't cope with your DH then i absolutely feel you are doing the righ thing/the only thing you can.

I hope things work out for you all xx

bellaBuonNatalevita · 07/12/2008 16:05

for you.

I remember your other thread, am not sure what to say but I did not want your post to go unanswered.

I hope that someone comes along soon who knows what advice to give.

Good luck. xx

ShinyPinkShoes · 07/12/2008 16:08

I have just read your other thread and I honestly and truly think that his depression and behaviour was starting to put your mental health at risk.

You need to also think of your existing children and the little one growing inside you, so yes- I feel that you have made the right decision. For now at least.

purpleangel · 07/12/2008 16:09

NeedyW I haven't read the previous post but just wanted to show you some support. I have had depression myself although I didn't realise I had it for quite a long time. You are right he does need time but he does need your support. ADs take their time to work and counselling I think works for some people. I tried to cut my dosage down but realised I was slipping back and went back to my normal dose. Has he got anybosy else he can talk to?

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 07/12/2008 16:12

I remember your other thread.

With most couples I would say leave it a few weeks until Christmas is over but i think your DH is in crisis (or close to) and needs more urgent action, and you neeed to be out of it for your own health (mrental and physical). esp. as you are pg.

You need to give him clear reasns so he can't blame himself and / or imagine completely different rationales; also you need to give him clear goals fro return- back of previous levels of ADs would be one i think.

Also--- don't do it alone, make yourself safe. He's ill and you can't be sure how he will react. Do not place yourself at risk. I'm sure he's a good man at heart, my Dh is too, but when Dh is very ill indeed the person he is leves us for a bit to be replaced by someone who mustn't be confused with dh, if that makes sense? Someone less predictable.

thenewme · 07/12/2008 16:12

I can't help feeling like it seems like you are giving up on him. And, yes, I expect to get totally slated for that comment.

If you have never had depression it is almost impossible to understand how it can make you feel and behave.

Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:13

He is seeing a counsellor. But other than that we are both pretty isolated. He won't talk to me anyway.

Thank you so much for not telling me I'm a monster.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/12/2008 16:14

it's awful living with a partner with MH issues. Took me a long time to recover and I was young with no DCs. Not much helpful to say but I feel for you and I hope your DH takes it on board and seeks help. xxx

aGalChangedHerName · 07/12/2008 16:15

I don't see it like taht at all. She is pg and needs to take care of herself and her unborn child too FGS.

I have never had depression and i appreciate that you know more than i do but have a heart. She has coped for a long time and feels she can't atm.

Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:15

I have had depression. I know exactly what it is like thenewme, from both sides. You shouldn't be slated. But all I've done is give of myself for more than a year now. When do I stop?

OP posts:
thenewme · 07/12/2008 16:16

I am just going on my gut feeling, that was all.

I wouldn't dream of telling you what you should do.

Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:18

Don't know what else to do or say TBH

OP posts:
purpleangel · 07/12/2008 16:18

Could he stay with his parents/siblings for a while?

Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:19

They're the other side of the country. I'd go myself, but the dcs are in school.

I just think we need some space for a while.

OP posts:
Malkuth · 07/12/2008 16:21

Hi NeedyW I am very close to telling my H to do the same, also due to depression for which he will not seek proper help. While I can see what thenewme is saying I do think she is wrong. It is not giving up on someone, it is asking them to take some responsibility for themselves. I am so sorry you are in such a horrible position and wish you strength.

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 07/12/2008 16:22

If you were saying you never wanted to see him again whatever you might be accused of giving up on him; I think what you are talking abut, given the other thread and the severity of his behavior, gives you a stronger chance of surviving as a couple in the long term.

As you know, if you are really severely depressed- suicidally, self harmingly so- nothing anyone says will get in. People are usually atatcking you (paranoia_) and nobody gets it.

Except they do of course, but you don't understand that. you feel victimised and hurt and unloved.

That state is impossble to move on with, and it takes some kind of wake up call and medication combination I think to change. For Dh it was a failed suicide attempt and eventually losing his job. If I had sent him to live somewhere he was safe beforehand I might not have almost lost him . Now he still has attacks but has learned to believe me when I tell him he is ill and gets help. That lesson was ridiculously hard won though, and I wouldn't recommend anyone take that route.

purpleangel · 07/12/2008 16:24

That's a shame, but do not let it all rest on your shoulders, I was too ashamed to tell my family for ages and once I did they were very supportive.

Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:25

Thanks Malkulth. It's horrible isn't it? I just want him to wake up. It's like there's this stranger in my home who hurts me and makes me sad, and they're walking round looking like my best friend. I know he's ill, it's not his fault as such, but he's the only one who can fix it and he won't.

Before he took himself off ADs he was getting better. And now he's worse than ever. He did this to us. He chose the illness over us. And I know that sounds unfair and irrational, but we suffer.

OP posts:
Malkuth · 07/12/2008 16:28

Yep it sucks! However we have our children to protect and care for, and we can't allow ourselves to be dragged down as well. I almost ended up on ADs myself before I went, hang on but I am not the depressed one! And like you I have suffered from depression and do understand and have sympathy. But someone has to be strong and keep the family afloat. Aaargh!

Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:28

Peachy, thank you - God that sounds awful. But you're right, I am doing this to try to save us, not to destroy what's left. This is far from the easy option/

Purple, you are lovely. My parents have been brilliant, they understand and support me, while reminding me that it is not "him" doing this. His parents on the other hand have conveniently forgotten that he told them he was on ADS. They've caused more problems TBH.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:30

Malkuth, any survival tips? I'm all out of solutions.

OP posts:
Malkuth · 07/12/2008 16:38

No, and you are braver than me as I have yet to ask him to leave. The trouble is that all the solutions are in their hands and it is incredibly hard not to be able to make it all ok for someone you love.

My aunt committed suicide after years of depression and I miss her terribly but ultimately it was her choice. I hope it doesn't come to that in either of our cases but we can't put our entire family's lives on hold because of the fear of that.

Have to go feed kids now but will check in later. Stay strong.

Original poster
NeedyW · 07/12/2008 16:45

Thanks M, and thank you everyone who replied. I'm going to go and work out what I want from him to allow him to come home. At the moment I'm hoping he'll only need a couple of weeks. We will be together for Christmas whatever happens.

I will also write a list of people he must call if he feels he is going to hurt himself. If he has it to look at then I think he will be safer. He will also know that I do care

We need to have a complete break, no communication, no emails, no phone calls, nothing.

Hoping this will begin to fix things in just a fortnight is wishful thinking isn't it?

I don't want this to be permanent.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 07/12/2008 17:03

the question is- is he willing to go and live in a B&B? you can't make him. He has a right to live in his own home.

If he DOES agree to go, it might shock him into making changes, but it might not.

I think it is a bit of a bad move personally; you need to decide if you want him and want to be married to him.