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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PIL - how do we respond to this email

66 replies

pickupthismess · 04/12/2008 16:58

SORRY - LONG ONE

At the start of this year we fell out with PIL. It was a long long time in coming. Since then 'we' have only had one contact (when DH rang them on his birthday) otherwise absolutely nothing.

It has really been bothering DH however he also finds it great not to have any hassle from them anymore.

DH got a blunt email yesterday from his dad saying in summary ; "we have waited in vain for you to ring us but you obviously can't be bothered. We have presents for the children and we want to send them but we expect they will be thrown back in our face" and that's it!

Given DH was the last one to make contact, I think they have got something of a cheek. In addition, they have shown NO interest in our children EVER. They have three other grandkids and they favour them massively (embarrassingly so). Oh and their parting shot to me was 'we have never liked you and it'd suit us if we didn't see you again'.

Tonight we have to write a response. My knee jerk reaction??? - tell them to off but I am conscious that if we do this the children lose their aged grandparents once and for all as they will be too proud and spiteful to ever offer an olive branch.

Can anyone think of a suitable way to respond without backing down? We still feel very upset by the way they verbally bullied and attacked us in front of the children and it upset them terribly. I know there's always two sides to a story but we honestly did nothing to provoke it and we didn't lose our cool. When reason failed we just picked up the boys and walked out.

We don't really want them in our lives but it is not like us to get involved in feuding families.

HELP!!!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 04/12/2008 17:02

Is there really any benefit to your children in having these grandparents in their lives if that's how they behave towards you? I'd be tempted to not reply at all, or else tell them unless they intend to treat you with civility they can forget it.

Watchtheworldcomealivetonight · 04/12/2008 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 04/12/2008 17:10

I would just ignore it and pretend you never received the email. Gives you the moral high ground and allows them to get back in touch if they want.
good luck

unavailable · 04/12/2008 17:19

Watchtheworld has a good approach. Ball then well and truly in their court and it may shame them into being more civil

beanieb · 04/12/2008 17:20

when was DH's birthday?

BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 04/12/2008 17:23

I would say something like "we are sorry you feel that way, but are surprised as DH recalls phoning you on your birthday. We would of course not throw the childrens presents back in your face because we have always wanted them to have a good relationship with you. Unfortunately, that trust has been undermined after the way you spoke to us in front of them, which frightened and upset them, so perhaps we should all continue to have a little space from each other for now. Best wishes for Christmas, hopefully we will sort things out over time, even if that time is not just yet. Take care, etc etc"

That is what I would say anyway.

gagarin · 04/12/2008 17:32

I'm with Watchtheworld - be adult and pleasant.

Thank them for thinking of the children and say how much you're sure the children will enjoy the presents.

Ask PIL how he would like to give the presents - would he like to come over or would he rather post them?

The you are firmly "in the right" and your inlaws can deal with that .

docket · 04/12/2008 17:40

I've been in a very similar situation to you. My sympathies, it's not a nice feeling.

Probably not the best or most mature approach but I would ignore the e mail.

BroccoliSpears · 04/12/2008 17:45

I think that responding to an email like that with pleasantness and no reference to what they have said seems passive aggressive and provoking.

I think that BitOfFun's suggestion is very grown-up, sensible and leaves the way open for friendship in the future.

BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 04/12/2008 17:47

There's a first time for everything then Broccoli - I've never been accused of that before, thanks

Original poster
pickupthismess · 04/12/2008 17:50

You're probably right all those who said I need to be adult. bitoffun I like your post, can I steal bits??

I think the difficulty in replying in a nice adult way is allowing them to think they have the upper hand now and that we are in fact in the wrong. If my FIL had written ' we know we have our probs but we'd really like th ehcildren to have some xmas pressies' I'd be much happier to reply nicely and with dignity but the fact that even now at Christmas time he is being obnoxious just gets my back up.

DH kind of thinks what's the point in accepting presents that are bought just as a means in themselves when they show none of the affection or kindness that should drive present buying. (NB MIL is present buying mad. She buys for every last know relation for every possible anniversary. She buys the children loads (and I do mean loads) of things - most of it tat, that she has picked up all year. It's a bit wierd TBH.)

I've got to say, if it was just me I wouldn't even reply.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 04/12/2008 17:50

what bitoffun said

i dont see how they can have an appropriate grandparent relationship with your children when they are so disrespectful to you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2008 17:53

This is not a feud. You have instead both suffered at the hands of his toxic parents.

Your DH's parents are toxic and have likely always been so towards him as a child and adult and now you all as a family unit. Hence him as well feeling happier about them not being in his life any longer. Your children would not benefit by having such people in their lives and these people do not change.

People who do not come from dysfunctional family backgrounds thank god do not realise what toxic parents can do and are capable of.

Neither of you have caused all this to happen - they have done all this. They are still blaming you; they are very adept at casting blame - there was nothing to stop them calling you before now. They actually don't want to make up with you all, they have also not taken any responsibility for their actions let alone give you both an apology for their behaviour. And if you want an apology from them you basically won;t get one.

I would not respond to the e-mail; it will fuel them even further.

A book called Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward may help you; your DH may want to read Toxic Parents by the same author.

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 04/12/2008 17:56

I'd be tempted to say the best reponse = none. It's not as if you need these kind of people in your life.

But BitOfFun's e-mail sounds good.

Let them sweat it out for a while first though

Original poster
pickupthismess · 04/12/2008 17:58

attila you are so right - they are completely toxic.

OP posts:
Upwind · 04/12/2008 18:02

I would either ignore or give some variant on Watchtheworld's response. It avoids the drama they are seeking.

Original poster
pickupthismess · 04/12/2008 18:05

upwind - I don't know if I can muster that much kindness LOL.

OP posts:
Upwind · 04/12/2008 18:07

your instinct is to ignore, and you know the background details which we are missing

but obviously it is your DH's family - you need to discuss this with him...

Twiglett · 04/12/2008 18:08

Something like?

"Thank you for thinking of our children at Christmas. As you have not contacted us since I called you on my birthday we assumed you did not wish contact with your grandchildren, much as you made it clear you did not want civil contact with us.

If you would like to send the presents to our address we will ensure the children get them for Christmas and know who they are from. If you do not wish to send the children presents then we will understand that also.

Wishing you a pleasant yuletide.

John and Jane (or whatever)"

Stargazer · 04/12/2008 18:08

Hi - I think that Watchtheworld has the best advice - send a polite thank you and leave it at that. Don't stoop to their level.

Have a good Christmas

herbietea · 04/12/2008 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/12/2008 18:26

I am in the same situation ,tis pants isn't it .

FWIW I would ignore the email as it is plain to see they are doing it to get a reaction .

FrannyandZooey · 04/12/2008 18:39

god i would just ignore
no-one needs people like this in their life, least of all children who hopefully haven't a clue that sometimes adults are twisted and bonkers

blinks · 04/12/2008 18:49

definitely no response best in this case... don't be drawn in.

if their tone was more adult and less guilt inducing, i would consider a response, but it's not.

blinks · 04/12/2008 18:51

also, surely they know your address so if it was a case of wanting to send kids presents, they could do so easily.

they are trying to make you feel shitty, nothing more.

i second getting 'toxic parents'. it helped me a great deal...

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