PIL - how do we respond to this email

[pickupthismess]

SORRY - LONG ONE

At the start of this year we fell out with PIL. It was a long long time in coming. Since then 'we' have only had one contact (when DH rang them on his birthday) otherwise absolutely nothing.

It has really been bothering DH however he also finds it great not to have any hassle from them anymore.

DH got a blunt email yesterday from his dad saying in summary ; "we have waited in vain for you to ring us but you obviously can't be bothered. We have presents for the children and we want to send them but we expect they will be thrown back in our face" and that's it!

Given DH was the last one to make contact, I think they have got something of a cheek. In addition, they have shown NO interest in our children EVER. They have three other grandkids and they favour them massively (embarrassingly so). Oh and their parting shot to me was 'we have never liked you and it'd suit us if we didn't see you again'.

Tonight we have to write a response. My knee jerk reaction??? - tell them to off but I am conscious that if we do this the children lose their aged grandparents once and for all as they will be too proud and spiteful to ever offer an olive branch.

Can anyone think of a suitable way to respond without backing down? We still feel very upset by the way they verbally bullied and attacked us in front of the children and it upset them terribly. I know there's always two sides to a story but we honestly did nothing to provoke it and we didn't lose our cool. When reason failed we just picked up the boys and walked out.

We don't really want them in our lives but it is not like us to get involved in feuding families.

HELP!!!

If you don't want them in your lives then do that. Don't respond to the email. Just let it go.

What Attilla said.

Look at it this way - if a stranger came to your house and treated you and your family in this way - would you forgive them and envelope them with love etc. So why do you accept this behaviour from grown adults - just because they are your dh's parents. The focus is on the nuclear family - you dh, children - not the family of origin.

Your MIL is being petty and stupid - if she really had something to say she would have left an appropriate message. She did not ask for a reply or a call back.

These people do not respect you - and have not for 20 years as you said. Surely there is clear evidence that nothing has nor will change.

I am for drawing the line in the sand. I know family members in our family who have had to make that break - it was not healthy for those people or their children. They kept trying to do the 'right' thing and it kept getting smashed back into their face.

I would just like to add my experience with you.

My dad had a son before be married my mum and had us. For various reasons my older brother decided he did not wish to continue a relationship with him a couple of years ago. Last month my dad found out he had cancer. They have no resummed contact, as I sad before you never know what's around the corner. You don't kow what they ahve to say or why they ahve choosen to get in contact now. I'm not saying let them take over your life, they are your DH parents and DCs gransparents. I aso know someone who has to meet her grandmother in secrect as her father does not speak to his mum, your DCs are probably to small for this but just another example of how things can get.

I have not read all the responses, but my dad excommunicated his father (for a good reason) and it never affected me. I never thought 'I've only got one set of grandparents'. My parents were right to cut ties with him and his awful wife (my father's step-mother). However, he does have affection for his father of old and it pround of his past achievements and tells us about it.

I find some of the responses to this thread really worrying. People complain and bemoan modern society, how 'family' doesn't mean what it used to, how families are so spread out and not as involved in eachother's lives... well, now I understand why. So many people have replied to your post with messages basically saying 'if you don't like them, ditch them'. I find this really really sad and quite surprising. Families aren't disposable, you can't choose your relatives, and it takes WORK and careful thought to keep a family communicating. If everyone just abandoned their families because they didn't bring them constant pleasure and happiness, the world would be an incredible sad place. I may sound idealistic, but I'm talking from experience of negotiating my own massive family rifts and arguments, and also from working in the field. Tread carefully and thoughtfully, that's my advice.

Why can't you jst email them, and say you would not return any gifts they send for the children and leave it at that,

Hi megnog,

I would agree with you up to a point in that
you cannot pick and choose your rellies.
Family life has changed much in the last thrity or so years; many people now live some distance away from their parents or place of birth. This is not purely due to the family members not getting on; others factors like social mobility and employment play a large part too.

Many people though would not take this verbal abuse from a friend let alone the inlaws so why should parents have any carte blanche to act appallingly towards their children who are now adult?.

I think as well that many people thankfully do not know what toxic family members are capable of. This whole concept is thankfully alien to them if they have come from "normal healthy functioning" families.

Open and honest communication between family members though has to be two way; if only one party are truly making an effort and the others (in this case the inlaws) do not want to know or accept any responsibility for their actions (commonly seen in these situations as well) what else can be done?. Toxic people do not want to accept any responsibility for their actions or abide by the "rules" about acceptable family behaviours. These ILs clearly cannot be reasoned with.

The situation that pickupthemess and her husband are in is one borne completely out of their ILs toxic behaviour towards them. They've had 20 years of crap behaviour from his parents/her inlaws - where do you draw the line?. Her own Husband is now happy not to hear from them. Gifts in this case are only being offered to their children to manipulate the situation further. They have shown no interest in them to date and massively favour other grandchildren.

Attila you make a massive amount of sense. I understand all these posters who have said just show love, kindness et al and it'll throw them. The problem is (as you've identified) this works when dealing with reasonable people who have for whatever reason reached a bad place in their relationship. My PIL are truly not reasonable people in fact my MIL really does have undiagnosed mental health issues.

Let me give an example, when I was 16 my MIL pushed me down a flight of stairs whilst in a hysterical rage because I had 'hung up on her' - I had not (infact I have NEVER hung up on anyone in my life). Another time when we were young my FIL stopped DH from using the car to take me home. They lived in the middle of nowhere, it was snowing and dark. I had to stand at a literally freezing bus stop for 45 mins with DH and then it took an hour to get me back (I had no way of alerting my parents - who by the way went nuts when they found out). Why? Because he thought I had insulted my MIL by not eating her dinner. It beggars belief.

This was when they had control over DH. When he left home to come and live near me at university they cut him off for two years. Then painfully we restablished contact and it has been precarious, fraught and difficult ever since.

I HAVE drawn my line in the sand. I don't intend to see them or talk to them again. But posters are right when they say DH loves them, although even he struggles to explain why! The children don't need them but they are young and I want to lead by example. Maybe jumpingbeans is right.

Blimey, having read that, then ignore my erudite suggestion previously on the thread - I think this is definitely in Attila's territory, and she knows her toxic onions! Ignore, and get on with life without them, definitely. Interesting that you met your DH so young - it's almost as if they are treating you as a child too. There is no way on earth I would consider them deserving grandparents, and I would never say that lightly!

My aunt and I have talked about this often - my step grandmother is toxic on so many levels - in fact some of the behaviour you are describing here she has exhibited. I was lucky - she was an extra grandparent and once I left home she was no longer a fixture in my life.

I look at my mother who has never shown anything but love, affection and kindness for this woman and yet has it spat back in her face on so many occasions BUT my mother believes that she should be the better person and keep giving.

My aunt ( half aunt) has decided enough is enough - she has instead built a wonderful extended family around her children of fabulous friends and people who can show love and affection for her girls - who are now lovely young women. My cousins used to be devastated by the behaviour of their grandmother - now they are older they understand why their mother broke off contact and thank her for it. To me - family is for support, love, affection and building up a family not doing all you can to tear it apart.

Family does not have to mean blood. You can build a wonderful family around your children who may not be blood relatives.

bitofdunundermistoe - spot on

My MIL that I mentioned earlier has now started trying to worm her way back in to DH's life. I told him I do not want to see her, but if he wants to see her I wont have a problem with it, she is his mother after all. She has never admitted what she did wrong, and my DH has no interest in having a relationship with her, he just thinks our son has a right to know her and vice versa. I cant help but feel uncomfortable about it though, as she is already saying things like "Well "QwertyQueen" has made it clear she does not want to see me". I have made it clear by simply not being there, but somehow what she says seems to assign blame to me and make her the victim. She wants to know how things can go back to how they were - well they can't. She is also now buying gifts for our son. Luckily we are now living abroad so not much chance of seeing her for along time, but I feel very anxious about her reappearance into our lives after 3 years (during which DS was born).
I think, having mulled over what you are all saying, it is because we all know that deep down people don't change... and whilst she (or your PILs) may try to be on best behaviour in order to get what they want, it is just a matter of time before all the old behaviour starts again, and then you have to haul yourself through all those emotions once more.
Your PILs have treated you so terribly they don't deserve to even have you spend this much energy thinking about them....

pickupthismess-it is difficult and unfortunate for you and your dh to have these circumstances in your lives...(((hugs)))
I have had to set boundaries for my narcissistic sister who reflexively degrades me anytime I say/do anything. I would like to share a line of strength that I find very helpful in my situation-I hope that you can find it helpful in yours:

"I love my sister (whoever), but it is mentally unhealthy for me to be around her."

If it is too much to eliminate all contact, and for some people it is too much of a leap to make, then please realize that debriefing and detoxing time is absolutely needed after each contact-literally like washing off toxic exposure. At some point, one would hope that emotional detachment could be attained which would be an effective defense from the emotional trauma the toxic ones thrill to create in others.

(Hi Attila! )

this may be of some use to you:
A friend of mine didn't know her maternal grandfather for many years, as her mother had cut contact. When my friend was in her teens, she decided she wanted to get to know her GF so sought him out (with her mum's reluctant permission). The GF came back into their lives with alacrity and lost no time in making himself thoroughly unpleasant, so that my friend very soon wished she hadn't bothered with him - but too late by then.

(NB.This really is a friend of mine, not me, I knew all my GPts and they were lovely)

Sometimes people just aren't good for you to know or have around you, regardless of blood "ties". Attila speaks much sense, I would listen to her advice.

And you'll probably find that your DH's love for his parents is more guilt that he doesn't love them as much as he thinks he should.

pickupthismess, your latest post says a lot. This is complicated. Atilla's notion of toxicity is something to be considered. Being around abusive people is never something I would advise, especially if there are children involved. I would do my best to politely refuse contact, accept presents if they want to give them but not if you suspect they will be uses as any sort of bargaining tool. IMO, these issues will not be easily resolved without the help of some kind of external mediator. To try to explain your position to them otherwise will just aggravate things. If you have tried and failed to resolve things, you can say you have done your best. Some effort at peacemaking needs to come from them also - perhaps you just need to wait until they show some signs of this.

you have the upper hand if you reply civilly - something like 'thanks for emailing, am pleased you got in touch. You are always welcome to be in touch with the kids - would you prefer to post the presents or to meet for a cup of tea and to see them personally?'