What a LAZY Pig!!! i just want to change the locks! PLEASE someone tell me i am not overreacting...

[KarisTiasMum]

DH's son is the most idle, lazy, sloppy beast i have ever met... and he lives in our house!

examples...

I cleaned his room on sunday (spotless)... now there are macdonalds wrappers, filthy work clothes, every drawer is open, sheets completely off the bed, copper wire (???) completely covering the floor, dirthy mugs and plates everywhere... i could go on. and it SMELLS!

put the cat littler tray in the garden if the cat poos instead of cleaning it out.

stuffs snotty tissues down my sofa, leaves them everywhere.

makes toast on the worktop (no plate) then just goes to work and leaves it for me to clean.

eats then just dumps the plates in the sink or the floor or gets my dd (3) to bring them to me!

spills something and just leaves it...

sits on facebook for every free minute he has, slurrping pints of milk and stuffing his face.

and does not contribute at all to the house financially, and we constantly have to bail him out with money.

oh... and he is 21!!

everyone babies this moron and over praises him when he does bother to do something and it is driving me bloody mental!

i apologise for appearing to be completely rude about SS but i am fuming!

no, its just not normal!? how does he have such a lack of motivation and ambition to make his own way in life.

I had a good hime life growing up but i still could not wait to get out and get some independance! i think that is normal and just cant work out what is making ss and your bil feel the need to just take the east life. It must be so unfulfilling and miserable to have nothing to really cvall your own and rely on other people for everything.

do you think its a form of depresssion? or just some people are exceptionally idle and unmotivated?

is your bil a particulary happy/unhappy person?

he would not last five minutes if he moved out, and we would end up picking up the pieces! i would love to ask him to move out!

never stays at his mums, she also has 2 young children so a bit of a houseful i think.

and tbh, i think she knows what he is like so never offers her services!

But he is 21 and taking you for an absolute ride. If course he would last 5 minutes - what do you think would happen to him? If I had a 21 year old SS living in my house who treated me and my property with such disrespect I would not hesitate to ask him to leave - for his own good as much as anything. You are mothering him and you are barely even older than him - he will NEVER learn to act like an adult if he is not treated like one.

Women I think are far more independent and move out sooner - there is research to back this up. Whereas boys stay at home longer. My brothers 32 and 27 have only just moved out. When they were at home my mum did everything for them. I moved out at 17 and could not understand how they could stand living at home but they had everything given to them on a plate so why chnage?

Good God Karis, what's a young girl like you doing
a. Getting involved with an old duffer
b. Looking after his son

Doesn't sound write to me! You should be living a happy young carefree lifestyle (although obv not possible now yuo have a baby)

Sounds like sheer hell to me.All of it.

lol the old duffer is not too bad really.. in fact i had no idea he was quite as old as he was until after a few dates so he doesnt look or act it! therefore i already new his age really didnt make a difference to us! would never go for someone of my own ages, dh is v. intelligent, hard working and very interesting so def would not swap that for a younger model. in saying that, he is certainly not perfect!

shame about his lazt ass son though! you are right about that!

It is really up to your dh to be telling him. tbh, I would not like anyone telling me when I had to get up or when I could take a shower, never mind someone my own age.
He is taking the piss but you are leting him.

He seems happy enough, although I am fairly sure that he knows that we think he is doing the wrong thing in not moving out. He refuses to talk about it. He is happy that he gets to spend all his money on doing what he likes.

He did move out once..........in order to move in with a woman and her two children. Once she kicked him out, he moved straight back to mummy.

He says he is skint. Personally I don't think he even knows what the word skint means. If he wants to know what skint is then he should move out of mummy's lap, start paying bills, paying for food, and paying rent, then he might know what skint really means.

He is p.t. going out with a woman who has recently divorced and has three children (not living at home as far as I know). He says he will move out when she agrees to move in with him .

I don't see anything changing unless his mother (in your case his father) starts putting her foot down. Makes him pay his rent (instead of lending him more and more money), share in the bills, tidy up after himself (it is not as if you want him to tidy the whole house, it is just one room), etc.

Oh, and more than likely, the more you nag at him, the ess he will do.

i have never really conisdered that the age gap between ss and myself would be a problem because mentally the gap is just so enormous, to me our age really is just a number.

however, lots of you have commented on it so i suppose it could be a big factor and i should consider it. I just dont think its fair to leave this to dh to sort out, he works pretty long hours and i dont want him coming home to me pulling my hair out and ss slobbing around the house leaving rubbish verywhere he goes. i would like, if i can to sort this out and be respected for what i am doing! i agree that i should stop mothering him and leave him to it, but even just having him should deserve some kind of recognition because at the end of the day he is 21 and lives is a lovely house, in the middle of town, with internet access, sky tv, hot meals, double bed etc ..for free!
so if i put his laziness aside and even managed to ignore, he would still be taking the pi*s just for expecting that?

most people at the moment are really struggling to make ends meet etc.. and he is just riding on the crest of a wave in his own little bubble that i just want to pop!!

Stop cleaning his room.
Tell DD3 not to carry his plates - not just on principle, but because is too young. What if she falls and breaks them, or worse, falls onto the broken plates? Very selfish of your SS
Stop subsidising him - in fact you should be charging him for the breakages caused while he throws a wobbly even if you don't charge rent.
Change the laptop password and don't let him use it until he can treat the rest of the house with as much respect - and indeed everyone else in it.

Unemptied cat litter tray in the garden and dirty plates go straight into his room.
Things of his left around go into a bin bag along with the snotty tissues, worktop crumbs, spillages etc., into his room as suggested and go out on bin day regardless of how long they've been in there or not.

No discussion is necessary until he twigs something's up and asks, which shouldn't be long after the first day. Setting him rotas, ultimatums etc. will only frustrate you further when he inevitably doesn't stick to them.

The only thing you should make clear is that there will be room inspections, once weekly, at the same time and on the same day if possible, with SS informed a week in advance. If it's a state, he's out on his ear.

Good that DH is supportive so far and do discuss the above with him but if he kicks up a fuss, point out that if either you or DH started living like this despite the other's best efforts, eventually you'd either leave each other or have the other kicked out, wouldn't you? So why should SS get anyway with it?

definitely right more.

i think shock tactics are all that will work but i am not the one to enforce tham so its a case of getting dh to see things from my p.o.v and to stop spoonfeeding him.

His mum and dad just over protect him so much! it would be tight but he could get a bedsit or something, i have even found some online out of interest. but everyone struggles to pay bills. that is just life! he doesnt really what we do actually have to pay for, for example when he runs himself a bath... he runs it completely hot water.. then lets it cool down to the right temperature for him to get in! WTF?!? i said to him, that our water is heated by gas and our gas bill is huge... so he said 'sorry' .. then did the same thing again next time!
i feel like a nagging cow if i repeat myself on the subject but what is he thinking!!?!?

You really do need to talk to your dh. All 3 of you need to sit down.
If he is working, then he starts paying rent.

TBH, I dont see a point in makung him wash 1 plate at a time etc. We dont wash everything up as soon as it is used.

His room, his mess. Just shut the door.

Just try and see what it would be like if he was the one telling you what to do all the time. It isnt nice, I had a step mum who was 5 years older than me and I hated her acting like my mother.

But then he is living with his dad and surely if his dad wants hime to move out, this cannot be a decision only made by you. Tbh I do feel a little sorry for him, you do seem a little ott when it comes to the house. If I was in you situation I would sit and talk to him like the adults you are and explain that its upsetting you. Have you ever spoken to him about it os are you just nagging at him???

I dont agree with the room inspection though. It is his personal space really.

By the way as for your original question, No I don't think you are overreacting

Thanks ISMKS!!
great ideas, i really do feel like is the point i have got to now!! drastic actions and his stuff into bin bags.. although tbh he will just live out of the bin bags! but maybe with his snotty tissues and food crumbs thrown in he will think again!

and you are quite right about if it was dh or myself, we would both have something to say about it.

i have just spoken to dh on the phone and we are going to change the password. we have agreed it will either go our way and he will make some changes in order to get internet access or he will becoming even more lazy and annoying in a hope to give him back the laptop to get him out of our faces! either way, we will find out soon enough then deal with it accordinly!

i have another question... do you know if it is possible to block the landline from calling mobiles, he has also run up some pretty hefty bills for us. although we would still like to be able to use the phone when we need to (dh and i) so maybe there is a code or something we can have put on it!?

thanks more..

i may seem a little ott with the house, i like it tidy and clean and i keep it that way.. but it is lived in.. we only moved in 1 month ago (the problem has just moved with us) so i am quite house proud and want my new house to be nice and to be able to enjoy it! not wake up every morning to have to walk past his PIT of a room, and come down to his stinking shoes in the hall way, walk through the lounge which is covered in tissues and crumbs and plates then into the kitchen which looks like a bomb has hit it.

if it was just dh me and dd who lived here i would not have to put up with it and as SS is not a paying tenant, why should that be acceptable!?

i probably do nag him now, but this is not a new problem.. it started off with reasonable chats, overlooking somethings and smiling and getting on with it but i am so past that now! i am done with being nice and trying to be reasonable, he has had too much from us without anything in return so now i think i have the right to put my foot down and enforce some rules!

and i think dh and i DO have the right to make him shower and present himself better because his lack of pride and care in himself carrys on through his whole life and effects us all.

TBH, and I will probably get slayed for this but, you do sound as though you have alot of hate for him. Really you do.

there is one more thing, which i have not spoken to dh about yet.

Next year i am due quite a large sum of money following a car accident in which my back was broken.. It affects everyone, not just me so when i recieve the payment i intend to treat everyone and take dd and dh to australia to see my sil and send my parents/brother on a holiday etc..

i just dont want to share it with ss at all!and if he wants to come to oz i would expect him to pay for himself, but can i actually expect that when i am paying for everyone else?? he has been no help to be at all, has made this year since my last bout of surgery more stressful than it needs to be and frankly i just dont think he deserves it.
is this going to cause big rows!? and am i being selfish?

If you're not going to ask him to move out, then I think it's time for some extreme action.
Stop washing for him and tidying his room.
Put locks on the cupboards, including the crockery & saucepan cupboards, leave him with access to a plate cup, saucepan, etc, but only 1 of everything. If he doesn't wash up after he uses them, dump them in his pigsty room. When he finds that he can't cook/ eat anything until he washes his stuff, he'll either be hungry or he'll have to pull his finger out and do something.
All his dirty tissues/clothes/rubbish get dumped in his room- his space, his mess.
It will be inconvenient for a while, but it should force the issue- either he'll sort himself out or he'll not be able to get into his room after the first week.

i cant say i hate him.. i dont. i just hate his behaviour and resent him a lot right now.
hate is such a strong word, i am just angry with him for making me feel like this.

love it lurcio... very true, if he has only one of everything he will have no choice but to wash them up! or resuse the filthy ones lol prob the latter!

i am just going to do my best to forget his room is in a state and do exactly as you say and start collecting his rubbish and just shoving it in there.

i did have a little tiny flip-out the other day when i came down to a pile of and splashes of marmite so i scraped it all into my hand and went and sprinkled it in his bed.

v childish and felt like i was sinking to his level... secretly satisfying though..

not that he even noticed!!

wont do it again, slapped wrist

Karis - from what you say it really sounds as though he is addicted to whatever it is he does on the laptop.

He is displaying all the classic signs of addiction, and that includes not taking any care over his appearance. Infact not really taking anything into consideration other than getting his next fix.

I'd stick my neck out and say I think he would benefit from addiction therapy.