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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was going to post in AIBU but know the answer would be yes.

88 replies

pamelat · 30/11/2008 20:21

It was my 31st birthday on Tuesday, not a biggie but on my 30th I was heavily pregnant so we delayed the celebrations.

I have a 10 month DD, I love her dearly but am on a years maternity leave and finding it fairly stressful (a lot of the time).

On my actual bday we went to a childrens play farm. If shes happy, I am happy

This weekend has been reserved for months for a "surprise" weekend away for me and DH.
We were going to go for 2 nights but I suggested just the 1 night, and explicitly said that I would miss DD if we went for 2 (but not staying for 1).

Anyway, DH booked lovely (if over priced) spa hotel with treatments (again lovely but over priced and we arent very well at the moment, but we are surviving)

Anyway I tried to relax on the whole cost thing (made him take my bday present back for a refund to his credit card last week!). I don't mind not having a present, this weekend was the gift.

Anyway, we arrived at hotel 2pm Saturday and had a relaxing afternoon together and a nice meal out at 8pm.

10am this morning, we set off for our walk out (and I was so looking forward to "us" time, not worrying about DD, not worrying about being some place warm for feeds etc) and my parents and DD are there as a "surprise".

Mmmmmmmmm, I was not impressed.

I tried to be ok (after all they had driven over an hour to be with us and they had looked after DD the night before) but I couldnt help being upset about losing my time with DH.

Worse, we have badly fallen out. On the journey home (with a grumpy over tired DD) I ended up silently crying (I am a bit of a drama queen as he knows) and he said that i was ungrateful blah blah blah

So is it unreasonable to have wanted today to be me rather than DD's mum? Am I a rubbish mum, rubbish daughter and rubbish wife or just a spoilt cow?!

Its just that we havent had any time to ourselves (during the day) since DD arrived and I was so looking forward to it. DH had obviously thought I would miss DD, which I was a bit but am with her 24/7.

Also she has a cold and cough and practically I dont think it was sensible and we had to change our walk plans. I just wanted a day to be selfish but DH says that I am bang out of order, and we arent even speaking now.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 16:57

Yes, new parenthood is hard, your hormones are a bit all over the place and the adjustment is a shock but you do sound in need of a cup of grow the fuck up. ALmost any partner will say something nasty after a weekend of whining and complaining about every single thing he did to try to please you (and someone who sits there crying silently and slobbering 'Nuffink' when asked what's wrong is enough to make the nicest of people feel like ramming your head through a window).
If you are a whiner, work on getting over it. It does not make you lovable.

TheSeriousOne · 01/12/2008 17:51

i would have cried if my parents were the surprise treat... but so would DH

Original poster

pamelat · 01/12/2008 18:58

Thanks once again everyone. Its reassuring that some of you (yes secret twin!) are similar to me.

I was late home with DD tonight because I went to visit DH's parents and got stuck in traffic. Unknown to me, DH hadnt taken his hose keys to work and was left outside for 10 minutes or so - I think he thought we had left, but it broke the ice as he was relieved to see us.

I didnt mention anything to my in laws. Thought it would be unfair to criticise and that they might think me a spoilt cow (!). However, have arranged for DD to spend this coming sunday afternoon there for 3 hours and we can go out for dinner. Am thinking of booking where we had our wedding venue and I will be the one to make plans (control freak or not, at least then we are happy)

OP posts:

Pan · 01/12/2008 19:08

soild - you've saved me a load of wear on the keyboard. ta.

Pan · 01/12/2008 19:08

or soiled..or solid even!!

TheSeriousOne · 01/12/2008 19:24

Pamelat... Sorry, but just because YOU are happy doesn't mean WE are happy (I mean you and your DH as a couple)

PLease take your DH's feelings into consideration.

My DH's ex used to leave him a lot - take the kids etc (I appreciate that you didn't do that, but i hope YSWIM) and once she left for over a week and he just mentally made the decision to move on.

He chose to leave her, because he was sick of the whole horrid cycle of it.

Ok, our situations may be poles apart, who knows, but your DH does sound like someone who is trying his best and he doesn't deserve to get a kicking for trying....

I really hope you take this message in the spirit in which it is offered.

TSO x

Original poster

pamelat · 02/12/2008 13:34

I know. DH always says "as long as you and DD are happy then I am happy", I often encourage him to make choices (and this weekend aside I am not critical of them) but seriously he says that he prefers to go with the flow. I don't know if that is a bloke thing?????

OK, even silly things like "which cake do you want" when there is a choice of two and he will never chose because he doesnt care .... at all. Whereas I always know what I want (or at least I think I do !)

OP posts:

TheSeriousOne · 02/12/2008 13:48

Not sure it's a bloke thing, TBH... I know my DH is happy to let me choose most things, but would be very upset if I had a pop about something he DID choose or had made a decision about.

Seriously, I don't know your DH or anything, just think he sounds like a decent sort of chap.

My DH often gets me pressies I'd never have bought him, but then, I'm sure I buy him stuff he wouldn't have bought himself either !!!

SexyDomesticatedDad · 02/12/2008 14:03

Think its a bit of a bloke thing - or maybe women not really telling us what they want - we have to be mind readers all most of the time . Read the OP and thought the DP had thought about it and arranged a nice surprise - which then turned out wrong in the receivers eyes. Guess we'll never have the right answers to the "is my bum look too big in this?" type questions.........

Pan · 02/12/2008 14:23

SDD - the correct answer to

"does my bum look big in this ?"

"No, not at all. You look absolutely lovely. It really suits you".

doh!

SexyDomesticatedDad · 02/12/2008 14:55

Pan - sometimes its a loaded question - DW knows something is not suitable and wants to be assured that you have really checked it out and giving the right answer which in some cases is - "you have a lovely bum, but that particlar cut of dress / trouser is not showing it off". .

See there are always loaded questions/ statements and mis understandings occur hence why the Op was upset when her DP got it wrong so badly. But OP went a tad overboard in reaction.

Pan · 02/12/2008 14:58

High risk strategy there SDD. I would NEVER be so brave.

Original poster

pamelat · 02/12/2008 18:38

I can laugh at myself now (and am doing to DH) its just when the upset is there.

We have quite a "matey" relationship and he has commented before on clothes looking unflattering but blaming the outfit ... of course!

I genuinely dont think that he likes to decide where to go or what to do, even pre me .. ?

OP posts:

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