Was going to post in AIBU but know the answer would be yes.

[pamelat]

It was my 31st birthday on Tuesday, not a biggie but on my 30th I was heavily pregnant so we delayed the celebrations.

I have a 10 month DD, I love her dearly but am on a years maternity leave and finding it fairly stressful (a lot of the time).

On my actual bday we went to a childrens play farm. If shes happy, I am happy

This weekend has been reserved for months for a "surprise" weekend away for me and DH.
We were going to go for 2 nights but I suggested just the 1 night, and explicitly said that I would miss DD if we went for 2 (but not staying for 1).

Anyway, DH booked lovely (if over priced) spa hotel with treatments (again lovely but over priced and we arent very well at the moment, but we are surviving)

Anyway I tried to relax on the whole cost thing (made him take my bday present back for a refund to his credit card last week!). I don't mind not having a present, this weekend was the gift.

Anyway, we arrived at hotel 2pm Saturday and had a relaxing afternoon together and a nice meal out at 8pm.

10am this morning, we set off for our walk out (and I was so looking forward to "us" time, not worrying about DD, not worrying about being some place warm for feeds etc) and my parents and DD are there as a "surprise".

Mmmmmmmmm, I was not impressed.

I tried to be ok (after all they had driven over an hour to be with us and they had looked after DD the night before) but I couldnt help being upset about losing my time with DH.

Worse, we have badly fallen out. On the journey home (with a grumpy over tired DD) I ended up silently crying (I am a bit of a drama queen as he knows) and he said that i was ungrateful blah blah blah

So is it unreasonable to have wanted today to be me rather than DD's mum? Am I a rubbish mum, rubbish daughter and rubbish wife or just a spoilt cow?!

Its just that we havent had any time to ourselves (during the day) since DD arrived and I was so looking forward to it. DH had obviously thought I would miss DD, which I was a bit but am with her 24/7.

Also she has a cold and cough and practically I dont think it was sensible and we had to change our walk plans. I just wanted a day to be selfish but DH says that I am bang out of order, and we arent even speaking now.

I think that I would have quite liked to just be at home by ourselves really. I want to watch Mama Mia on dvd.

I dont even want any presents from anyone.

Childhood thing is weird, I always hated my bdays as a child (!) but dont see the relevance. I found the attention and pressure too much (as a child)

I think it's relevant because we tend to be strongly affected by how things were when we were a child. How did you cope with the pressure and attention this year?

If you'd stayed home, watched a DVD, would you be on here saying 'it was my 31st birthday, it was meant to be a big deal, replacement for my 30th, and DH didn't arrange anything, we just stayed in and watched a DVD. He didn't arrange anything, or do anything for me.'

Look, it sounds like you're finding 24/7 childcare a struggle. Shocker - many people find this hard. Could you arrange swaps with another mum, or arrange to have a nanny for a few hours a week? (I found nannies whose charges were at school were good for this.) Just a bit of relaxed time makes a real difference.

I know what you mean but I dont think that I would have been upset about anything, other than DD turning up ..... bless her.

Hi pamelat - rightly or wrongly, you sound really upset. I'm sorry about that.

However, take a deep breath (hard, I know, with a LO there). Give yourself even 10 seconds just to focus.

What went wrong?

You wanted time alone. OK. BUT, you didn't communicate that effectively to you DH because you insisted that he cut short the planned weekend because you would miss DD.

He's probably - at that point - a little offended (is it possible that he, like you, is a bit of a 'drama queen'? I know my DH is!!!). So, he overreacts to your reaction. He thinks, "Fine. I want DW to have a lovely time, but she doesn't want to spend that much time with me, on our own: I will invite parents & DD back. There: DW gets what she wants."

I've also been worried about expensive presents. But you have to tread carefully: some people really see expense as a way of communicating their love. It's not a bad thing: they want to pamper their OH. My DH does this. To prevent it, we have to agree a budget beforehand.

Listen, I know that if I've had a row with DH, saying "sorry" is never going to just magically put an end to it, for either of us. Both parties feel wronged, and both need time to calm down from that. It sounds like your DH didn't believe your apology and felt that you were manipulating him, hence his overreaction and the mean things he said. Give him, and yourself, time to simmer down. Plan to say sorry again, and remind yourself: if he overreacts again, YOU MUST NOT RISE TO IT. Stay calm, and focussed.

And definitely keep all your negativity on Mumsnet (for the time being). Some of the things you're saying about not knowing if your relationship is right for you, etc., sounds like (understandable) overreaction to a disappointing weekend. But if you say any of this to your DH, he'll not 'get it', and you'll end up rowing some more.

It's really easy to blow things out of proportion - I do it ALL the time. Eg. My DH will totally rubbish some item of clothing I bought. Now, he's not being controlling, or horrible: he just thinks it's awful. I, on the other hand, instead of thinking, "Ok, he doesn't like the item, it's not that he doesn't like me...", think, "Aaaaaahhh: he hates ME. He thinks I am horrible." Cue me then defending said item of clothing, like there was no tomorrow and my life depended on it. No way he's backing down from his position, and now he sees his DW getting worked up over an item of clothing. "You're getting worked up, DW." BOOOOMMMM! If, however, I walk away, and look at the item, and rationalise: do I really care that much? I usually find that I don't. But little things can become big when you're feeling a bit down.

Phew, gabbling, but wanted to let you know I understand exactly where you're coming from. But I do think YAB a bit U!

Thank you. I also think I am being unreasonable but that doesn't stop me from being upset.

DH thinks that I chose to be upset but for me its automatic. He has a lot more control over his emotions.

Anyway, update is that he has called me to apologise (!). He is sorry that he got things wrong (he hadn't apologised before) and sorry for saying the things about my clothes and me being stupid. He only got my voice mail and is now in a meeting for 3 hours.

He has said that he had no idea that I needed a rest or that I was finding DD hard work . I do worry that he doesnt listen to anything I say but there are worse faults in people!

I am wondering if I am a control freak and whether maybe I am finding parenting "too" hard? He has said that I need to become a happier person in general, and that whilst he will support me in this that its me that has to make the effort.

I never used to find that being happy was a discipline but now I find that I have to have something to look forward to to be happy (even silly things like "Spooks" being on TV tonight).

He said that its me (or me and DD usually) against the world and that I will never win that.

It does sound like you're struggling. Understandably. Did you used to get a lot of your self-worth from work? Shifting to being a SAHM (even for a year) can be quite a shock.

As well, having kids throws up lots of stuff about identity, our childhoods, and our lives in general.

Would you consider having therapy? That might be a way back to your happiness.

He'd put an effort in to try and get things right. You got upset, appeared ungrateful and hurt his feelings. He overreacted and said some spiteful things, because he wanted hurt you.

He's apologised now because he's realised he was just lashing out (although to be honest I can understand why he got angry; I'd be apoplectic myself..) and didn't mean it. He's offered you an olive branch and I think you should take it.

Tip for the future: if you want something specific to happen, be specific.

Yep I used to love work (at the moment I am anxious about returning but it might be for the best). I also used to get a lot of "me" time, I used to gym every evening and shop on Saturdays with my friends. My DH plays sport on Saturdays, in Winter, so I can't do that.

I know it all sounds like excuses. I think that maybe I am a selfish person but with DD around I become totally unselfish (really adore her) but was looking forward to being selfish again for a day.

I should have been specific. DH and I used to go away a lot for weekends walking etc, its just very different with DD along too, especially if its cold.

Thanks everyone. I sometimes think that I really miss the buzz of exercise but by the tme 6pm comes around I am knackered nowadays. I used to go straight from work and that was fine.

I think the poor man couldn't win.

He tried to give you some couple time without being away from your baby too much.

Exercise is a really good way to keep your moods up. Some ways you can still get exercise with your baby:

• lots of gyms have creches (I know our local municipal one does)
• you can bike with your baby
• you can run with your baby
• you can run without your baby, doing swapsies with other mums (works better in warmer weather, if you're going to do swapsies outside)
• you can do exercise tapes in the house, with your baby underfoot, or while she naps

If your DH gets Saturdays to himself to do sport, when do you get time to yourself?

I used to get Wednesday afternoons but now I get Sunday morning until about 10am, and then we visit GP's (normally)

To be honest I am rarely without DD, which I suppose being her mum is natural but I can't explain why but its so tiring (for me). I know I need to relax more about motherhood but its still new.

Oh and I do use the creche for 45 minutes on a Friday morning, so I know I am lucky but its £4.70 an hour and I can't really pay more than 45 minutes a week.

I think the tapes is a good idea,although I tend to use her nap times to clean (or mumsnet). If the house was a tip that wouldn't help.

Will sort myself out, work may be the answer.

oh pamelat, I went thru something similar last week, everyone told me I was unreasonable (which I was!), I spoiled a lovely weekend with dh and dd. But like you, I have a gorgeous dh who apologised to me (why? When I am such a cow, I'll never know). On the advice of the ladies here, we made up and things are brilliant, we are really supporting each other and talking. We went out to the cinema together for the first time in ages (like you, I'm economically minded ) and I can honestly say I've never been happier.

What I'm trying to say is you can salvage the situation, so do it.Don't waste time recriminating with yourself, you know you're in the wrong, so do something lovely for your dh (meal, cinema whatever) and enjoy yourselves

sorry that sounded all bossy, but you and me sound v similar

ditheringdora, what happened to you??

Have been and done a big food shop (with £'s still in mind!) and the house is nice and tidy but I feel very tired.

I am not sure that we could ask my parents to have DD again, feels a big ask. I could ask in laws I guess.

Am still tempted by a night away by myself, imagine how early I could go to bed and how long I could stay in bed until!! It might do me good. Shame that none of my friends are on their hols as would be able to stay at theirs for a night, am eat chip shop chips and read my book and watch trashy TV.

Hi pamelat! I had taken on too much at work and was babysitting my nephew,minding our lo and cleaning another family members house!. Instead, of saying sorry I can't mind X or I'm too tired to clean etc I took it all out on dh who was being a sweetheart cleaning and cooking at home.I critised him for cooking, for not studying,for not helping me with babysitting etc. Tbh, some of it was hormonal, I suspect, but I was a little bit nuts!It was a combination of all above things with me liking things to be perfect and resenting dh for what I perceived as having an easy life.
Promise me, you and your dh will have a big chat, honestly it will be the best thing ever. Please "get rid" of your dd for a couple of hours or better still for the night, you won't regret it. I'm realising that I define myself by my work and put all my energies into it, not leaving anything for family. Then I wonder why I'm such a miserable tired old bint when I get home to a messy house, I bark at dh and dd and everyone's unhappy. Another poster said that perhaps you invest too much in work and it really rung true for me. You do need a break, grab your h and go. hugs to you (my secret twin?)

The world is full of women who insist they're easy to please, when in fact their loved ones haven't a clue how to get it right. I should know, I'm one of them!

I think that asking/ allowing somebody else to arrange your present or trip away is asking for trouble. In future, arrange things like this together so that there is no room for misunderstanding.

You are being a wee bit U, but then again you can't help your feelings.

Men aren't women, that's reality. They aren't mind readers either. Save yourselves the heartache and be absolutely explicit about what you want from presents/ holidays etc. It's just not fair to expect him to ba able to please you without telling him exactly how.

I had to organise a major party for my mum recently and fell ill with the stress of it. I will never in my life now ask or allow somebody else to feel the weight of responsibilty for my happiness - my happiness is my own responsibility.

I told my best friend exactly what to get me for xmas - including which shop to get it from. Same reason.

I think you built up this weekend into something it could never be and then took all your disppointment out on your unsuspecting DH.

You would be best off looking at the things that have made you pin all your hopes on a break onto this weekend and try and solve those so you dont 'need' a break so much all the time.

Things like - at a weekend, send DH and DD off to the park or play centre for an hour or wto (I do this most weekends!) and have a bath, read a book, cook a Sunday dinner - whatever takes your fancy.
Or leave them playing at home on a Saturday and go shopping or ge your hair cut or anything you like! Meet a friend for a coffee somewhere!
Meet a friend for a drink/dinner in the evening and leave DH at home to babysit to make sure you get a night out too
Ask your parents to babysit just for a couple of hours at your house one evening and take DH to the cinema or just to the pub for a quick (cheap) drink so you can chat about grown up things without DD there.

I can guarantee that if you start doing one or more of these things then you will feel less tied down by being the 24 hour a day parent and will feel a bit more yourself and wont have this problem with unrealistic expectations of your DH in future.

Good luck

Hi - haven't read all the responses so hope I'm not repeating.

It sounds to be like your DH has got a bit confused, to be honest your op confused me a little (sorry not wanting to be critical).

He probably thought you'd miss your DD and so thought he'd done a really thoughtful thing - then when you were disappointed, I imagine he felt a bit silly and maybe frustrated that 'he can't win'.

We women are very complex and IMO communicate completely differently to men. I think you should just say you're sorry that you have both mis communicated and tell him that you were just disappointed because you wanted more time just for the 2 of you.

And no you don't sound selfish, being on ML after working ft etc is hard - I think you sound normal!

You are both being unreasonable I think. Unfortunately I am a bit like you. You thought you were going to miss your dd like mad, because her's and your routine is the only one you know.

However you get to this place and you are all alone with your husband and you are starting to remember about all the freedom you used to have, all the things you could "just" do if you wanted to without having to consider anybody else. You realise that you do actually enjoy being away from her (even though you miss her). You do enjoy staying at this hotel.

It has already been said, that you did send him mixed messages and he did work very hard to please you. I am thinking that he worked this hard to try and get it right because he loves you, and because he wants you to be happy.

However I think he and your parents are very wrong to arranging to surprise you that early in the morning.
It was the exact same thing my mother did to me and dh once (when we were still in contact). She babysat both children from 19.00 until 9.00 in the morning, saying that I had told her (which I had jokingly) that I would probably be up at 6.00 anyway because I was so used to the children waking me up at that time anyway. Meaning that we went out for a meal, cinema etc and did not get to sleep until about 2.00 in the morning, because we thought that we would not have to deal with the children until about 12.00.

You should both take it as a learning curve, and you should be grateful that you do actually enjoy spending time away from your little one just the two of you. This bodes well for when little one grows up and flies the nest.

I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if this has been said before but honestly I think YANBU. I remember all too well the full horror of being at home f/t with DS when he was small and how irrational it made me sometimes. DH booked a weekend away for us when DH was small and I looked forward to it like the holy grail. It sounded awful but I just needed time with DH alone, just some sort of time when I wasn't a Mum all the time. The night before, he cancelled because of work. I cried and cried and cried. Bless him, it wasn't his fault but I needed that weekend. So don't blame yourself. One day you'll look back and laugh but for the moment I think it's normal. Just make up with him! xx

Hi pamelat - I would have felt and behaved just as you did about the weekend disappointment (again - like you - feeling guilty about being upset). I too found motherhood quite hard work - and still do on many days - and often very tedious. Going back to work may well be the answer - part-time an option? I went back when DD1 was 9 mths and was nervous about it but my word did I feel better for it once I'd got back into the swing. Hope you and DH have a nice glass of wine and a bit of Mama Mia tonight and can talk about how you want to get things sorted to suit all of you.

YANBU in your sentiment, but perhaps a little in the conduct so, yes, please apologise before going to bed. Don't fall out with him about this.

he tried. My Dh forgot my birthday before we even had kids, forgot our first wedding anniversary and forgot the anniversary of us getting together today!!!

And he's still a great guy... men don't always get the whole remembering part.. but that he tried speaks volumes....

Hope you guys make it up.

He was trying to be nice.

You over-reacted.

Forget it and make up. Really not worth a falling out over.