Was going to post in AIBU but know the answer would be yes.

[pamelat]

It was my 31st birthday on Tuesday, not a biggie but on my 30th I was heavily pregnant so we delayed the celebrations.

I have a 10 month DD, I love her dearly but am on a years maternity leave and finding it fairly stressful (a lot of the time).

On my actual bday we went to a childrens play farm. If shes happy, I am happy

This weekend has been reserved for months for a "surprise" weekend away for me and DH.
We were going to go for 2 nights but I suggested just the 1 night, and explicitly said that I would miss DD if we went for 2 (but not staying for 1).

Anyway, DH booked lovely (if over priced) spa hotel with treatments (again lovely but over priced and we arent very well at the moment, but we are surviving)

Anyway I tried to relax on the whole cost thing (made him take my bday present back for a refund to his credit card last week!). I don't mind not having a present, this weekend was the gift.

Anyway, we arrived at hotel 2pm Saturday and had a relaxing afternoon together and a nice meal out at 8pm.

10am this morning, we set off for our walk out (and I was so looking forward to "us" time, not worrying about DD, not worrying about being some place warm for feeds etc) and my parents and DD are there as a "surprise".

Mmmmmmmmm, I was not impressed.

I tried to be ok (after all they had driven over an hour to be with us and they had looked after DD the night before) but I couldnt help being upset about losing my time with DH.

Worse, we have badly fallen out. On the journey home (with a grumpy over tired DD) I ended up silently crying (I am a bit of a drama queen as he knows) and he said that i was ungrateful blah blah blah

So is it unreasonable to have wanted today to be me rather than DD's mum? Am I a rubbish mum, rubbish daughter and rubbish wife or just a spoilt cow?!

Its just that we havent had any time to ourselves (during the day) since DD arrived and I was so looking forward to it. DH had obviously thought I would miss DD, which I was a bit but am with her 24/7.

Also she has a cold and cough and practically I dont think it was sensible and we had to change our walk plans. I just wanted a day to be selfish but DH says that I am bang out of order, and we arent even speaking now.

Wouldn't you be offended if he returned a present you'd carefully chosen for him even if he did say it was because it had cost to much. I know I would be.

Next weekend it would, because a points been made of it - but you shouldn't loose your own identity. Maybe have a regular half day out, you could ask him to take some leave if possible.

Make sure he knows that you wanted time with him. It sounds as though he feels rejected which doesn't sound like what you wanted.

I think he puts too much emphasis on luxury, location etc and I just want some time to ourselves.

I appreciate that it isnt the end of the world but things like this make me wonder if we just dont understand one another

I wouldnt buy an expensive item if he had asked me not to.

He had already told me that the weekend had cost a lot so I said to not buy me anything, he said he hadn't and then produced said coat.

We are quite different people though. He is generous and practical, I am a bit £ aware and emotional!!

Well, sounds like you might complement each other if you can keep communication open

Probably he should have listened to you about not wanting any presents but his intentions were still good imo and I can sort of understand him being miffed now.

I doubt that he will hold it against you for long but talk to him before the resentment starts building up in his head.

Say sorry, get some rest - you're sounding shattered. Its tough with little ones. Try not to over analyse, try to remember things you love about one another. Try to make some time for yourself, and for the two of you as a couple.

Sometimes things really do seam better in the morning. Top gears finished!

Just tried to say sorry, big row

Going to log off as he is saying that I put too much effort in to internet relationships and not in to RL .....

He has said that sorry is not good enough.

I'm sorry, but it does sound like you're being very controlling and a bit disingenuous about the whole thing.

Your DH has been trying to do nice things for you and all you have done is throw them back in his face.

Why can't you accept his gifts and his thoughtfulness without criticising or telling him to do something else? It seems to be as if you have to wrongfoot him by criticising his every move - as if you're trying to be superior to him.

To be quite honest I'm not surprised he's angry.

I agree with becauseimworthit. You know you've been unreasonable. You've done some serious damage here and are going to have to work very hard to repair it. If I was him I would not only be angry but also deeply hurt. Don't expect him to do anything spontaneous/special for a looooong time.

Sorry for you both but you never know this may be the wake up call that could take your relationship to a better deeper level. Try and see it as an opportunity for self discovery...

good luck

Do you know what, after an hour or so of "talking" this over with DH, I have gone from upset to not really even caring.

If he could not see and listen to the fact that all I wanted was time away from DD then he doesn't even know me.

Things haven't been brilliant between us and this was an opportunity to reclaim some time and he invited my parents and DD. I really cant see what he was thinking, unless he just doesnt want "us" time (which is fine for him going off to work every day)

Read an interesting article years ago about the ways we show our love and how this can be mismatched. So, my DH for instance loves to buy me big presents which we cant afford and I like you I find that sometimes its hard to enjoy them as I worry about the money. I would rather have a present which involves time, either time together or time to myself, or if that's not possible something like doing the ironing for me and running a bath. Because thats how I like to receive gifts, I feel that when I do things like that for my DH around the house to make his life easier I am showing him I love him. He clearly would prefer a huge gift! The only way to sort these things out of course is to talk about it, but this is probably not the time.

It is hard to adjust to being a mum and having no time to yourself or just with DH and it is very hard to play the grownup and thinking about other's feelings when you are feeling resentful.

He made a mistake inviting your parents and DD but he did it for all the right reasons and I know its really irritating but remember you are punishing him for trying to make you happy and for not being able to read your mind.

If you dont put it behind you, which I'm afraid will involve you apologising, it might well blow up into something its not. He did his best, he cocked up, he wont do it again, move on. When things have settled take some of the suggestions and find some low key time out for the pair or you, organise an afternoon off for yourself etc. Hope things work out.

Pamelat I have some sympathy for you. Although I agree with some that it does sound like you were being controlling, you DID apologise.

Personally I do get frustrated - and yes, a bit hurt - when people go over the top about asking you what you would like for a present, and then take no notice of what you have said, instead getting you what they want to get you, making you wonder why they bothered to ask. (And before I get flamed for that, I have no problem with people getting me presents that are not "me" just with being specifically asked what I want, and when I say, ooh I'd love an X, being given a Y.)

And obviously I wouldn't say anything . . . which is your mistake. But you have apologised and by throwing it back in your face I think he is being an arse.

And all this stuff about "if you won't take DD to the Dr I will" when one of the reasons you objected to her being there is that it was too cold for her, grrrrr.

It is not abnormal to wish for a day away from the DCs. I agree your DH should have been flattered that you wanted to spend time with him alone.

I suspect however that seeing as he sees less of DD than you, he was missing her and he wanted her there, and is trying to make out he was inviting the others along "for you."

I don't think I have any advice, just wanted to express some sympathy.

Thank you Cathpot, everything you say makes sense to me and I genuinely dont want to hurt him, I just can't get past how disappointed I am/was/whatever.

I apologised last night for upsetting him and he started to tell me how he is more intelligent than me (?!!) and how he will not put up with my spoilt behaviour (I didn't kick off about my parents coming, I made the best of a bad situation but got upset in the car on the way home with DH).

He then even started to say that he may not like the clothes I wear, and all the presents I have bought him are rubbish and how he has never complained in spite of this.

So, I'm afraid that today I just feel rather tearful (again) and am wondering (drama queen?) whether we should be together when he clearly thinks so little of me (and what I wear! FGS) and I feel like he just doesnt know me, and maybe I don't know him either.

Its very sad. I get scared that he just wants to be with me because of DD.

have only read the op, so excuse me if this has already been said.

I read what you had written and thought is that me and my DH.

That is exactly how we would have both reacted he would be thinking he's done something nice for me, and I would be thinking what aboutb time for us. Don't get me wrong I adore my DD and I miss her if away for more than 5 minutes, but I also recognise that it is important for her and me, if I have a good and loving relationship with her father.

When you two are talking, try and explain, tell him you loved being taken away, that you love your dd, you really appreciated that he thought you might miss dd, but you wanted a weekend of loving him (they like that crap).

Hope it's sorted.

You weren't being unreasonable.

and he said that no one likes me and that I make everyones life difficult, in which case why dont they all just leave me alone

Oh I don't know. I think that I am upset disproportionately but I really feel genuinely upset, whilst being aware of that.

I think its a bigger issue of being desperate for "us" time, the opportunity came and he removed it.

Some of the things he has said since have hurt me but I guess its the heat of the moment, but I tend to remember these things.

I actually feel worse than after a "standard" weekend.

DD asleep but aware that I will have 9 solid hours of DD care and really not feeling up to it emotionally.

you said you didn't want 3 nights becuae you would miss dd

stop bloody whinging

so he says in his man brain...i will arrange for her to see daughter earlier she will be v. pleased.

he got it wrong becuase you told him so

get over it. stop moaning - you could have had two nights away but bloody didn't.

well there is a big mumsnet mind set of accepting your lot but personally I dont think that people should stay with people who dont even like them.

pamelat - I think the real issue is that you haven't yet worked out what your new needs are (both of you) since becoming parents, and both of you are on trial and error.

Forgive your DH - he really was trying to do his best.

And have a long hard think about how you can factor in more couple time. And maybe something just for you. What did you like doing when you were young, free and single? I worked out only recently that I really suffer when I don't get enough time playing with other girls .

so why is your dh a fucker?...tell me.

Pamelat - he sounds very very hurt and lashing out. Leave it be for a bit. He made a real effort, and everything he did, you rubbished. No wonder he's feeling defensive and pissed off right now.

Hes not a bad person, in fact I really feel quite sorry for him in all of this ...... but since the moment we found out I was pregnant (on honeymoon) we said that my 31st would be our time together (knew my 30th was sort of out of question).

Since being married I have been pregnant or a new mum and in the run up to this weekend, I have said many times (but he claims to have not heard) about how I dont care where we go or what we do but that it will be nice to have time to ourselves (he thought that an afternoon would be sufficient)

It just makes me feel like I dont matter to him, that he hasnt listened to me and that he has no idea of how much I was looking forward to/needing a break from DD. She learnt to crawl 2 weeks ago and each time I have been knackered I have thought of this weekend of peace.

OK, so I have over reacted and upset him but I apologised and he has said things that make me question our whole relationship (he has not apologised for these things)

I feel that I am just DD's mum to him.

Maybe he has said that if I wasnt his wife he would just be laughing behind my back at me with his mates

My reaction is well f* off then.

It sounds like you had built this weekend up, so it had to be perfect. Yet you're complaining about everything to do with your birthday (the farm, the place you went, the coat he bought you, how long you got together (couldn't be two nights! couldn't be just one! )).

Think about what he would have had to do for this birthday for you not to be pissed off and disappointed.

(And then, maybe think about what birthdays were like when you were a kid - is this hitting some buttons from childhood?)