Thankyou all so much. Kelix - that's wonderful - I think it is about trusting a person as much as anything. I just can't do that when we haven't talked about much, it takes me ages. When I met ds1's dad, the attraction was there but I couldn't just go for it, I had to meet him a lot and go for walks and so on, for months, before I felt ready to kind of put my heart into it - mind you, he was only 12 years older than me, and we had an awful lot in common, so it didn't matter. Also he wasn't the type you could imagine having flings either. So it was like one box after another just got ticked and by that time I knew iyswim.
This guy is a lot older and has plenty of different references to the ones I have - he is very active and spirited for a start, which I have never been! So I think that bypasses a lot of differences. But not necessarily a good thing because he probably doesn't take into account whether we'd like the same kind of things or not, and that would matter to me in a proper relationship.
What everyone says about possibly outliving him by a long way as well - yes that's true and also he would be an old man when I was about 50 which would be strange, I am not very worldly yet and have a lot of things to experience, whilst he is already miles ahead of me even in terms of age. Plus I have two very small children and although he is gorgeous to them, cuddles them and compliments them all the time, I don't feel he would be dedicated to a life at home with us in any way. He has told me that his wife and he separated because she didn't like to travel, so it isn't exactly sensible to start all that again is it? I'm just like her by the sound of it.
Also I do think he has probably had more flings than he can remember, he has such a sort of charisma, and seems like a tangibly sexual person and very ready to get involved, iyswim - and it made me wonder how 'special' I was exactly. That was very offputting initially. And it still is really, although for all I know I might be the first in several years...I just don;t know him well enough to know.
IllegallyBrunette, thankyou for explaining. I wonder if you are right that I'm trying to encourage myself to like him, because after all it is exciting to be wanted (though maybe not if it's just in a temporary way) and I am lonely though I try and cover that up. I would love to be in a position to 'dedicate' myself to someone again, with a little more caution though this time - but I am aware that I was panicking the other day when I posted about how scared I was. I do tend to do that in the early part of a relationship - just get almost physically panic stricken, because I'm attaching to someone emotionally and am terrified. (When I started seeing ds2's father I spent the entire evening going out into the garden trying not to be sick, I was in such a state! - and he turned out to be horrible after a few months, so it wasn't worth it, except of course I have a lovely son)
I suppose I am afraid of going for the wrong person again. I'm glad this man is going away - well, he went last night - and won't be around till spring. He said he hopes I do meet a nice man who will be there for me, like I said I wanted - I told him I wanted someone I could marry! - but that if I don't, he will be happy to step in...I think only in a 'fling' capacity though, probably...
So will apply myself to not looking for someone more suitable in the mean time!
Thanks again for helping me figure this out, am the original 'can't see the wood for the trees' type numpty when it comes to blokes.
Need all the help I can get...