How to deal with being the least liked in the family?

[Naive]

I have siblings and although my parents say they love us all the same, they treat me different to the others. For example, if there's a dispute, it's automatically my fault.

DP has noticed this a lot so it's not me over reacting.

At the moment I'm a little upset as DS was in hospital as a newborn as he was very poorly and I stayed in the hospital with him. It was awful in there, kids screaming and crying and I was a terrified new mum who didn't have a clue how to look after a baby. My family visited briefly and that was it.

My lovely sister's DD was in hospital recently and the family were all at the hospital literally all day long and sometimes staying over to give my sister a break. I would have loved this treatment.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my sister and her DD to bits. But I just wonder why I'm not treated like that.

This is obviously one tiny example in a huge list of things. But it's really upset me.

I think I need to put my relationships with my family into perspective for my own sanity. Please can you all help me do this?

Have you ever confronted them about their behaviour and how it makes you feel?

It is rubbish when your family doesn't/can't give you what you feel you need from them, especially if you see others being treated differently. What do you think would happen if you withdrew from them and stopped expecting and hoping for them to behave differentlt towards you?

I am the least favourite in my family.

In reality I thin you have two choices. You can either confront them and hope for a resolution, or you can just accept that you'll always come second and live your life for you rather than them. I've chosen to do the latter...

I can't believe that to be honest. You poor thing. No advice, only sympathy. I feel like that with my MIL - she doesn't seem to like me despite the fact I've given her two grandchildren and am her only DIL depsite her having three sons. But at least my own family think the sun shines out of me arse.

I really would bring it up with the family member you most trust as this shouldn't go on.

Aww Naive that is so sad.Sending you a big hug.My mum was the "least favoured" in her family.Her big sis had severe LD and obviously this took up a lot of GP'S time then was mum then a lot later came her db who is favourite.My Gran does have favourites and it is wrong

Last time I had a real heart to heart with mum she told me about the fact that when her sister,who she loved dearly,died,after the funeral she requested that she could be there when they scattered her ashes.Mum spent most weekends travelling several hundred miles to visit her dsis who ended up in institutionalised care(was long ago).Her db hardly ever visited her.So in the end the ashes were scattered and no one bothered to tell mumShe is so sad about this because she loved her sister so much and felt it was a terrible rejection.She cries buckets over it years later

I don't understand WHY my gran is like this.I guess people are just odd sometimes which is very sad.Concentrate on your own lovely family and nurturing your relationship with your dsis.

I am probably not being much help but can sympathise with how painful this must be and am really trying hard to treat my children equally.

Big hugs xxxx

I've done exactly that - withdrawn and stopped having any expectations. I don't think confrontation will solve anything in the case of my family.

We are in contact, I don't think they are aware anything is wrong, but as the only one with children of the 3 of us, I feel very sad that they aren't more interested in my children. Its not about me anymore, but it doesn't stop it hurting.

I need them for things though. Everytime I try to take a step back something comes up and I'll need childcare or my car will break down and I'll need a lift, guaranteed.

Mum looks after my DS at the moment but soon my sister is going to start a new job so mum's said she'll look after her DD instead.

I ask them about it and they start screaming and shouting about how I'm so ungrateful and they do so much for me and how I just think the whole world is against me.

Yet I know their favouritism has had an impact on my life.

I often thought that I am the least favourite in 2 of my extended families (no probs at all with my parents) and I have to say it has affected me. My nan recently died and when she was ill I heard from my mum all the lovely things she used to say about me, I have realised that with her she just wasn't very demonstrative, however I now know she loved me and she absolutled adored my dd's. The rest of them I really don;t give a flying fuck about!

It's taken a long time to get to this point but I see it as their loss - my family is my parents, dh and my 2 beautiful dd's (and dh's family who have all welcomed me and I love) If anything my extended families have taught me a valuable lesson - how not to treat my dd's as they grow older!

I know this is not the same for you as this involves your parents, but just wanted you to know you are not alone

rely on them for the bare minimum.

I do need to rely on my mum for childcare when I have governors meetings, but I no longer seak her approval for things because I know that there never is any.

I remember vividly when my sister passed her final exams my mum took her to the beach with a bottle of champagne to celebrate. When I passed mine three years later (and with better grades) we were on holiday and we went on a trip around the harbour, I suggested we could get a bottle of champagne to celebrate my results and she said "i hardly think they're worth celebrating."

My dad is not like that though but my mum and sister definitely are.

for you wannabe

I remember with my other nan that when I took dd1 (when ther was only dd1) to see her all she could go on about was one of her other granddaughter dd who was about a month younger than mine. Was so upset, but again her lost she doen't get to see my children any more and tehy don't know her,however my nan who recently died, both girls still talk aout her and loved her to bits.

I think, unfortunately, we imagine we parent, and should have been parented identically. But we can't, and don't. Personalities interact in different ways. And to perpetuate problems, we all fall into our childhood roles when around our family.

I don't think there are only the confront/reject options here. Perhaps there are ways you can nudge them into altering their behaviour towards you, without asking them to overtly consider the fact that they treat you differently. I wonder if them being shouty is actually a sort of guilt.

I don't know how you would nudge them, perhaps focus on the grandchild/grandparent part of their relationship, or praise them when they do small things for you.

I wonder if where you say you need them to do things, they hear needy. It is quite easy to push away the needy, as no one really relishes having someone very dependent on them.

I dont know if Im making much sense, but perhaps someone reading this will be able to put it better.

I agree with Wannabe. I think that for the sake of your own sanity you need to step back as much as possible.

Since I've done that, life has been a lot easier for all of us. I don't have the unspoken reminders that I'm never going to be as well-liked as my siblings. The family are probably happier too because they no longer need to pretend or come up with excuses as to why I've been excluded yet again.

It's a difficult thing to do but you will never really get an answer to your questions from them.

You say you want to back away from them, but then something happens and you "need them to do things for you". Why is this? Cant you handle stuff without them? You say you are least favoured, but is it because you are needy?

Do you do anything for them?

You say your mum is looking after your child. Is she paid? Do you work?

People who need others to bail them out, or "help" them are rarely favoured. I know, because my sister is such a person. She never handles anything herself, she always need people to do things for her. I am the favoured one, but I never look to my parents for what they can do for ME, but what I can do for THEM.

Obviously, I dont say that this is the reason ALL people are least favoured, but I am wondering if this is why you are in this position.

Wannabee for you.

I'm the only girl and my two bros were always taken more seriously than I, and have always been treated as more important.

My elder bro pointed out to me recently that from mum's pov I would always be in the wrong if there was a dispute between me and someone else, particularly if it's a male. I nearly wept because he was sooo right and it was so nice to have someone notice.

I get on brilliantly with my brothers, and they have never taken advantage of the preference my parents showed - in fact, to be fair, it wasn't really my dad, he was just bewildered by girls and understood boys better. It's really down to my mum and it's because she wanted for me what she didn't have or do, and so was extra critical. Sometimes it upsets me, but mostly it's water off a duck's back.

Hi Naive,
Unfortunately it's something I go through too. Have done since I was 7. I agree with what WannaBe has been saying. You either have a choice or try to rely on them less. I live on my own, and spent the most part of my dd's life a single mum, so I had to rely on my mum for a lot of things so it really strained our relationship because I was just always angry when she was around.

Everyone is different, but is there anything that may have sparked off this kind of behaviour? Has it always been this way?

I doubt I will ever know the truth because I've just come to accept the fact, and have done for a long time because no matter what I do she doesn't listen. But I have my own reasons in my head to justify the behaviour I guess. None of which is my fault exactly, but makes me feel like I understand better.

Sorry if that made no sense. But I really do sympathise because it's not a nice situation to be in hugs

naive

Where are you amongst your family siblings; are you the eldest, the middle child or the youngest?. That can have a bearing too.

I think what Dominion has said can apply to healthy emotionally functioning families but not so in ones where unhealthy emotional patterns are present. I think in some families if someone needs to be helped the parents are all too willing to assist; it is the sibling who is not needed to be helped but then asks for assistance (not unreasonably) is seen somehow as weak and incapable.

I do sympathise; there has also been favouritism within my own family although it is covert in origin. But that is not to say I have not noticed it; I was the one who was "trusted" enough or capable enough i.e left, to get on with it whilst my youngest brother was not at all left to get on with it.

the answers your family give according to one o fyour comments, "they start screaming and shouting about how I'm so ungrateful and they do so much for me and how I just think the whole world is against me" is actually one that I was expecting to read; its a stock answer that these type of people come out with. You were made the scapegoat of this particular family's ills a long time ago.

I certainly agree you won't get any straight answers from them as to why they act as they do. Its actually because they are unable to admit to themselves that they are wrong and thus accept no responsibility for their actions.

Living well is the best revenge when it comes to dealing with these people. I would persoanlly keep all contact with them to a bare minimum.

And wannaBe - what happened to you was cruel.

naive

I think as well these people somehow see you as a "threat" - you've bucked their trend and have struck out on your own. They feel very threatened by you because you are not like them.

and for wannabe.

I'm the middle child. My sister isn't my dad's (which I didn't find out until I was 17). My brother (aged 17) still doesn't know this. Mum has a lot of hang ups about it as she feels she is a slag for sleeping with one man and getting pregnant before she met my dad when my sister was 3 years old. My sister seems to be favoured by mum and dad because she is the eldest in the family, and my brother seems favoured because he is the youngest but also because he is seen as the one who always helps the others. Yet he's really mean to me and everyone takes his side and tells me not to fuss when he's in the wrong. He sort of treats me like a naughty little child. Because that's what the whole family has always treated me as- the naughty one. I'm even considered as the bad one now at 24 years old and they will state this and laugh about it. They used to tell me I was evil.

When DP and I got together he met my family after a couple of months. 4 months into our relationship I fell pregnant and we had problems with out house and had to move in with my family for a bit. My family treated me like a nasy piece of work who is always in the wrong and he began to believe it. We've had a rough patch lately and I think it all traces back to this. We've sorted things out now though after a long talk.

Today is my final wedding dress fitting. I've been looking forward to it for a long time. Sister's DD is ill so mum has cancelled today. I still have to go as I've left it til last minute for ordering. Mum's spending all day and night at the hospital but she barely visited with DS was in. I only needed a couple hours of her time and she's not willing to give it. I can live with it as I love my niece so much but I do think she could have given me a couple of hours. It was a huge thing when sis got her wedding dress yet mum has tried to get out of going to every fitting/ chosing of wedding dress when it's my turn.

My sister tend to 'need' a lot more than me. I do need things sometimes as I'm a young working mum and I'm also doing my masters at the moment. Mum wanted to look after DS and I said I would pay her if she got ofstead registered as then she can look after all of her grandchildren at once, I'll get working tax credits towards the childcare etc. She said no as her house isn't safe enough- there's a lot of steps etc. Yet she still wants to look after the GCs.

Atilla- why do they say I think the whole world's against me? I don't understand why it's always my fault.

Naive, I am no expert, but my Gran was a "toxic" person with favourites and my father was HER scapegoat.
There is a syndrome/condition that can evolve in families (or small isolted groups), where there is an "omega" member, and that person can do nothing right and is made a "scapegoat" for the entire family ill feeling and bad luck. The rest of the family is complicit and therefore conforontation does no good as they basically are all unconciously aware they are condoning bullying of a family member...
I can't remember what this is called but is is a noted phenonmenon in some families.
The basic outcome is the family will never admit they are wrong, and one member of the familiy is always blamed/treated less well/left out/at the bottom of the heap.

Are your family very concerned with appearing to be "perfect" or "respectable" etc? These are often the families who have an "omega" member.

It might be worth you talking to a family counsellor to deal with your own feelings, but confrontation seems unlikely to help.
You may have to do what wannabee did.
I ended up ignoring my gran, she was just so awful, but my dad visited her up to the end, even tho' she was so nasty to him and blamed him for everything.

Yes they are obsessed with being the best family ever. DP stuck up for me one time and they've never been the same with him since as they said how dare he insult their perfect family and they give me everything blah blah blah blah.

Please could you explain the omega thing to me a bit more. How can I break the cycle? Why is it me? What did I do? I'm quite out spoken, is this why? What other traits do these type of families have?

I am in the same position in my family.

I have chosen not to confront my family and to live my own life with my DH and dc's.

I ask for nothing now and life is easier. Makes me feel like shit sometimes but it's getting better.

Same position in my family I confronted them once and it just caused much gnashing of teeth and whaling. They know I know and I have left it at that.

I haven't seen my brother since....well months ago as i don't meekly put up with all the shit/agree with everything.

I am putting DH and the dc first now,in the past i have put my parents etc first but no more!!

The way I see it we can choose our friends not our family, we have been dumped togther mainly because of my mum's lack of effective contraception.

If I was the least favoutite from a group of friends who have chosen to know me that would hurt. But to be the least favourite from a group of people linked only be genes - it may sound harsh but I don;t care.

Naive, I have much sympathy for you.

While my parents always treated me fairly, my 4 siblings appear to like me less which has only become clear to me since ds was born, as they favour my neices over him. The neices get contant attention and visits while poor ds is rarely visited (although he adores his aunts), because, as they would have it, 'We don't get boys." WTF?

I decided to confront them after he sobbed to me and DP 'Why don't mine Aunties love me?' when he was three - though it took a further 18 months for me to find the words, and when I did I spoke calmly (and I think kindly) about the matter. I was met with anger and blank denial.

I don't really mind for myself; their dysfunction is their business (if that's what it is). So I'm withdrawing from them somewhat. I use to run around giving lifts, lending money, inviting them to lunch etc. But I've stopped all that now .