How to deal with being the least liked in the family?

[Naive]

I have siblings and although my parents say they love us all the same, they treat me different to the others. For example, if there's a dispute, it's automatically my fault.

DP has noticed this a lot so it's not me over reacting.

At the moment I'm a little upset as DS was in hospital as a newborn as he was very poorly and I stayed in the hospital with him. It was awful in there, kids screaming and crying and I was a terrified new mum who didn't have a clue how to look after a baby. My family visited briefly and that was it.

My lovely sister's DD was in hospital recently and the family were all at the hospital literally all day long and sometimes staying over to give my sister a break. I would have loved this treatment.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my sister and her DD to bits. But I just wonder why I'm not treated like that.

This is obviously one tiny example in a huge list of things. But it's really upset me.

I think I need to put my relationships with my family into perspective for my own sanity. Please can you all help me do this?

Naive

I would fully concur with Miggsie's response to you.

I did not use the term earlier but your family members appear to be "toxic" in nature. What your siblings and parents display behaviour wise are hallmarks of a dysfunctional family unit. People who come from and grew up in such families tend to have set roles - yours is scapegoat. The verbal attack made on your partner is also typical of such dysfunctional toxic families.

Breaking the cycle can be very difficult; I am not suggesting that you cut all contact with them as yet - but this is ultimately an option open to you. I would consider counselling for your own self. None of this is your fault - they are the ones with all the issues and you did nothing to cause them to be this way. They just want to blame you for all their emotional ills and hangups; they are also projecting onto you. You're a threat to these people - you upset the apple cart because of who you are.

You may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point; infact I would urge you to read this. Another thread I would suggest you take and look at and post on is the "Well we took you to stately homes" Part 4 thread on these pages. Many of the women on there would also relate to what you've experienced to date.

I wish you well with both your final dress fitting and your Masters Degree. Work bloody hard and get this degree!!!. Living well is the best revenge there is with people like this, honestly.

I found this to be helpful as well:-

If you recognize that certain people in your family or workplace always take the brunt of what is going, it is probably scapegoating. If this is your dynamic, you can learn what you do to perpetuate unconsciously to keep yourself a victim. Do whatever it takes to change this role of being blamed. If you were designated the black sheep of the family, then studying this dynamic is the way to release yourself from its poison. Learn to recognize the negative family patterns of blame and shame and vow to stop doing them in this generation!.

Stop trying to win the favour of a parent who did not like you when you were growing up. A parent who rejects their child has some severe personality disturbance and is not likely to change. The best you can do is understand the underlying dynamic of your parent and try to come to peace with this on your own. Don?t expect your parent to ?own? up to their mistreatment. Most likely, they will only deny and blame you again for being ungrateful. Some children who were scapegoated have as little to do with the abusive parent as they can when they grow up. Refusing to remain in an abusive situation is a healthy choice.

Do some reading to explore how scapegoating may have affected not only your own personality, but also others in your family. Do a web search on assertive behavior to learn to challenge others putting you down. Take an assertive class and learn to set boundaries to other?s inappropriate behavior.

Niaive, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I am even sadder that it seems to mirror my own a little too closely that I might have imagined. You've been given good advise on this thread, but it doesnt somehow seem to get to the core of what you want to know. Simply, you just want to know 'why'? I do too.

I am also a middle child of many and really your posts resonate so much with my situation. I realise there is not a stock answer for why this happens, but i'll tell you this in the hope that it helps you somehow.

I have approached my family, particularly my Mum about this. (I think a 'confrontational' approach is not useful because it has aggressive undertones and becomes part of the problem and not the solution.) She responded as though I was barking mad and what I was 'accusing' her of was unbelievable. So I cited a few (actually, quite a lot) examples and she kind of chuckled in embarrassment and said that I was CHOOSING to interpret things that way. (Blaming me again!). I believe that my family see me as 'too capable' but not fitting in with their idea of 'perfection'. So getting my Masters was seen by them as a sign of my disassociation with 'their world'- on their terms. The out-spokenness, seen as controntational and therefore 'unmanageable and uncontollable' and so it goes on.

I have not gotten over this and dont expect I ever will, because the admissions that I need to put this to rest are unlikely to happen. Pleae think hard before even considering cutting them off from your life. Yes, its an option, but in my opinion it should be the very, very, very, last resort. I have moved on from my situation by accepting that my Mum does not INTEND to make me feel this way, but that the EFFECT of her behaviour towards me is biased and very real. That is not to excuse her, but to have an understanding that like any kind of abuse, admission is the first step. She just hasnt reached that point yet and most likely never will. That does not invalidate my feelings, hurt and internal torture that I have been through for as long as I can remember, but it allows me to reclaim myself and be me - on MY own terms.

Sorry this was long; all the pent-up feelings have been waiting for a moment like this to get it all out.

"People who need others to bail them out, or "help" them are rarely favoured".

Don't think that is true at all. Controlling people like to feel needed and so would tend to favour the one that opens themself up and "needs" more help than the one who keeps herself to herself and keeps her affairs private. More to control with the needy one.

A good book about this sort of thing is Survive family life. Haven't read it for ages but there is a lot in there about allocated roles within families - everyone plays their part including siblings. It really made me see what was going on in my family. An extremely helpful book. Sounds like it could help you OP.

Naive - It won't have been anything you've said or done or even because of personality quirks. Some families just seem to find it easier to have one golden child and one scapegoat to balance it all out. If it had been caused by something about you as an individual we wouldn't see this same pattern repeated in so many families.

My family is a lot like others described on this thread. We have a golden child (my brother) who can do no wrong. He's now in his 30s and I've still never once heard my mother say a bad word about him. Then there is the sibling who is always offered help without ever needing to ask (my sister). My mother will offer to look after my niece at the drop of a hat for hours, days or even weeks at a time. She has never once looked after any of my children for so much as 5 minutes, even when it meant me having to give birth alone because dh needed to look after our other children.

I am the scapegoat. It's so obvious that even family friends and other relatives have commented on it. My family used to like dh at first but don't now because he sees their behaviour for what it is.

Is this starting to sound familiar?

I haven't cut off all contact but have stepped back and make no effort to contact them other than to send birthday cards and Christmas cards. Now that I no longer try I rarely see any of them. It's sad but also an immense relief.

My DH and our dc are spending Christmas and Boxing Day on our own for the first time in about 18 years or so. I am 37 and can't believe i have allowed my family to treat me the way they have for soooo long.

The financial help i have given "the golden child" (my brother) the constant shit,the helping out/bailing out has stopped forever. I am glad but i do still miss my family sometimes

My parents will always like him better (and his dc) than me and my dc and there's nothing i can do about that,but i can stop running around after them and being the one who sorts everything out for everyone.

My elder dc's (17 and 13) hardly speak to my parents at all as they are old enough to see that my mum favours my db and his dc over us.
Sad to see but inevitable.

Hi Naive and FunkyNora,

I do feel for you both.

You are seen by your respective family units as a threat - you are not like these people.

You won't get a straight answer from them as to why they act the way they do. These people are not reasonable to start with; they cannot therefore be emotionally reasoned with. Toxic people abrogate themselves of all responsibility for their actions and take any personal "criticism" as a direct attack on them.

I can only repeat what I wrote earlier:-

Stop trying to win the favour of a parent who did not like you when you were growing up. A parent who rejects their child has some severe personality disturbance and is not likely to change. The best you can do is understand the underlying dynamic of your parent and try to come to peace with this on your own. Don?t expect your parent to ?own? up to their mistreatment. Most likely, they will only deny and blame you again for being ungrateful. Some children who were scapegoated have as little to do with the abusive parent as they can when they grow up. Refusing to remain in an abusive situation is a healthy choice.

Personally speaking I have not cut my parents off but I keep contact with them to a minimum.

Infact I feel for you all on this thread.

That's a good point about children. Often the pattern continues with the children of the least-favoured child also become the least-favoured grandchildren. It's happening here too.

I hope you have a great Christmas together, aGalChangedHerName. That first one alone feels so liberating and is such a turning-point. It's like discovering for the first time that Christmas can be enjoyable and virtually stress-free.

Engelbert has made a good point; this dysfunction and scapegoating can and often does become a generational issue.

My brother is child-free but if he had become a parent I would have been very interested to see how my Mum and Dad would have been with these grandchildren. Going on her past form, probably far more interested.

Do you know i always think i am fine and so together about my family but when i read about other people like me it kinda hits home you know?

My mum (not sen her for a couple of weeks) text today to ask if she could take dd1 out for the afternoon,lunch etc. I said no because she didn't ask to have dd2 as well.

She made my db's eldest dd the "favourite" and ignored the younger dd. DB's dd1 is now 14 and off doing her own thing so my mum i think is looking to replace my DN. I will not allow her to play favourites with my dd's.

Have been tearful all afternoon wondering WTF i did (i know nothing) to be the non-golden one lol.

Sorry Englebert meant to say it is a strange feeling having Christmas alone but i am also really looking forward to it. We are going to our local Indian (fave food here) whereas normally it would be us buying and cooking everything,and it would have to be the traditional turkey etc. It is nice to be choosing what we want to do for a change

Hi Naive,

None of this is your fault, you have done nothing wrong. I know it is hard to believe but its true. I was (until I got more interesting ) the family scapegoat and I still ask 'why'. Thing is you will unlikely get an answer to it.

Just going to have to go now, but I entirely sympathise with you...and you know where the Stately Homes thread is?

Allyxxx

I've just ordered toxic parents off amazon. Can't believe I didn't know this was a common thing in families!!! It's helped so much to talk on here. Wil my family know they are doing this or not? Will it go on forever now? How do I make sure I don't pass the same cycle on to my kids?

Hi Naive

"Can't believe I didn't know this was a common thing in families!!! It's helped so much to talk on here. Wil my family know they are doing this or not? Will it go on forever now? How do I make sure I don't pass the same cycle on to my kids?"

Pretty common. Will they know they are doing it...hmm depends how much they live in la la land...my mother denies it totally...yet the blatent way her and my sister ganged up against me so often as a youngster my mother sees the world as she wants to see it...thro rose tinted glasses.

Will it go on forever...if they are capable of listening to how you feel there is a good chance things can change. However if the response you get is shouting...just get a self help book and maybe therapy for yourself and join the Stately's thread for support. Just think of the saying 'you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink'. If they don't want to see it, they won't

If you have insight into why they do this and how they do this then you have enough self awareness to hopefully stop the cycle. Its a constant work in progress.

What I think you are experiencing now is 'realisation'...your just noticing things are not right and voicing it aloud, double checking that what they are doing is not okay. Be kind to yourself about all this, none of it is your fault.

Allyxx

Do they think you're very capable? I think sometimes if you don't fuss and you're not a drama queen people assume you don't need help etc.

Hi, I have read this with such interest, I have an older brother who has always been favoured by both my mother and father.

Now that I have left home it has go so much better and since I have had DS my relationship with my mother has improved. I really relate to what you said about your wedding dress fitting, my mother seems to hate doing anything with me - she will go to the cinema, gallerys, plays, shopping with my sister in law and her friends daughters, but if i suggest anything she says 'I'm not sure I fancy that' every time!

I find the whole thing very upsetting, especially when I think back to how my mum used to gang up with my brother and tease me until I cried or lost my temper and then tell me 'You've got a horrible temper, go to your room!'.

I confronted my mother who rolled her eyes and said 'Yes, everyone is against you, I was such a horrible mother' in a very sarcastic voice. The thing is I know she loves me but i wonder if she just doesn't like me very much?

My mother adores my son which has helped and she has been wonderful taking care of him to give me some time out. Sorry to go on about my own situation but it is so nice to be able to see that others too have endured being the least favorate.

Have you thought of counselling - I was discussing this with my DH because no matter how much time goes by I still feel angry with my mother for making me feel inferior?

I will keep reading this thread with interest and send hugs and support to all who have grown up with this.

It is crap when you feel left out.

My birth family don't want to know me, my ILs don't understand me and aren't the emotional talkiong type, I have one friend and life is very lonely a lot of the time.

I've found that the unwritten rule in our family is that the less help you need the more you will get and vice versa. It's all about control rather than a perceived need.

Hi Engelbert,

Re your comment:-

"I've found that the unwritten rule in our family is that the less help you need the more you will get and vice versa. It's all about control rather than a perceived need".

You are so right here; this is not so much about need as control. My Mother certainly controls my brother by doing far more for him; I was trusted (well as they see it but I think more like left) to get on with it.

With best wishes

Attila

Hi again all. I have just read the last few posts and totally understand that it is all rooted in a warped need for control. I can also identify with being backed into a corner and then chastised for responding in a way that was inevitable.

I went on holiday with some of my siblings. My Mum spent virtually all of her free time with the other siblings. Whenever I called her to arrange to do something with her and my DD, she ALWAYS had a prior arrangement with one of the others - I was never invited along. One night they all arranged to go out for a meal; DD and I were not included. I found out by chance as they were getting dressed and waiting for a taxi. When I mentioned it to them all, they shrugged it off and said that it hadn't occurred to them! Even at that point DD and I were not asked along.

I decided to spend the rest of the holiday doing our own things. When I spoke to my Mum about it after the holiday, she said that I was always doing my own thing. NO MUM, I did my own thing BECAUSE DD and I were constantly excluded! On the issue of not spending any time with us for the whole 3 weeks, my Mum (unbelievably) said: "I saw her at the airport!". Yes, that's true. She saw her for the 20 minutes while we waitind to check in! Then she says: "Why are you always trying to make a big deal out of everything? I spent more time with your sister because she has two children." WHAT? Yes, I had one child at that time.....so?

Its clear that my siblings are 'easier to manage' than I am and make for an easier life. Even speaking to her about these things, she complained to my elder sister (not the one mentioned earlier) that I am always rude.

It's not my thread, I have found the comments and contributions very helpful. Thanks to all. If this one slows down, I think I may just take a trip to the Stately Homes thread as well. I seem to have a need to get some things out of my system. Thanks OP for this thread.

hello to everyone on this thread.

naive, you sound like a lovely person and my heart goes out to you.

it occurred to me that as quite a young adult, that some of the patterns established throughout your childhood have been perpetuated and they seem to dismiss you as a 'difficullt child'. your family members have got away with this unfair treatment for long enough. well done you for trying to tackle it now, rather than in your 40s, or whenever.

my mum was scapegoated by her mother as a child. she is now 65 and still hasnt got over it. we, the granchildren, have been torn between and my gran and mum all of our lives.my gran was not a good mother to my mum. my mum never felt loved. but i often wish that my mum had put her foot down by cutting her mother out of her life, to some extent.instead, their lives have been painfully and inextricably linked all throughtout my mother's adult life. i've never understood why she accepted so much financial help etc from my gran, given the pain their relationship has caused.

i now have 2 wonderful dds, but its my MIL that causes problems in the favouritism department. even dd2 who is just 4 has clearly noticed it. she recently went on a one off trip with nanny, without her big sis, and apparently, throughout the whole car journey kept repeatedly asking 'is this exactly where you come with P? is this where you always go?' Sadly, my mil didnt seem to realise how tragic this was.

Funkynora and Abi, other people teased by mother and/or sibling then chastised for inevitable result!!! Not had that yet on the Statelys thread...that was my mother and sisters teasing bullying of me...either 'we were only teasing oh i do love you' or a bollocking for being angry and shouting back/throwing/hitting etc.

Also nodding my head to other posts just those two rang a loud bell for me.

Naive, you really are not alone.

I am going against the flow here.... You say if you try to distance yourself then something happens and you need your family to help out (childcare, a lift were examples.)Why? What would you do if they werent able to childmind/ offer a lift?

Unavailable- I really don't know what I'd do. DP's mum is also toxic so we can't rely on her. DP works all the time. I'm 24 and juggling job, masters, baby, then all the normal mum stuff like the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. Sometimes wish I just had someone to take some of the load off. DP does do a lot to help but obviously he's at work so can only help so much.

I rang mum the other day as DS was very poorly and I was starting to panic a bit. It was 6 o clock, DP was at work the doctor's was closed. I ran out of milk for DS on top of him being poorly so I rang mum for some advice and to ask if she could call over and watch DS while I went for his milk and baby neurofen, or if she could get them and drop them off. She has a car and DP had ours at work. So anyway, DB answered the phone and wouldn't let me talk to my mum as he said she was 'busy'. I explained and he said 'so?'. I started crying as I was getting all flustered (baby screaming at this point). i rang my Dsis who never takes my side normally and explained and said that the pram cover was in the car so I didn't have it and it was pouring down, would the rain ruin my pram? In the end I just went for it and started walking with baby in the rain.

Next minute I got a phonecall from mum saying turn back, she'd be over in a minute and we'd all go out for what we needed so that I could get out, clear my head and chat, and baby would fall asleep in the car. Turns out Dsis had rung her, told her what DB had done to me (for the millionth time that week) and said mum needed to ring me and offer some help. I was really surprised that they were so nice to me but I felt much better afterwards as I just felt like I was at breaking point. Mum refused to tell me if Dsis had rung her or anything, but she had a word with DB secretly and I heard about it.

I'm really pleased people have started to talk about their experiences on this thread. Everyone's welcome to chip in and then when we've exhausted it we can all pop over to the stately homes thread to get some more views and clarity.

Hoping my toxic parents book turns up today.

I'm not exactly sure what it is I want to know. But there's something. I think it basically all comes back to why me and why can't I make them see the error of their ways. But I don't think I'll ever get answers to either of those questions.