What would you do? MIL is offering us money. A lot. I want to tell her to shove it but DH thinks I'm crazy. Who is right?

[drowninginlaundry]

That's it in a nutshell...

DH and his mum recently had a bit of a falling out mainly because MIL is a controlling nutbag and a passive-aggressive narcissist who thinks I am a bitch from hell (has said as much) for 1) snaring her eldest son 2) not worshipping the ground she walks on and 3) not begging her to 'help' every minute of every day and asking her to come and live with us.

Dh recently met her over dinner, first time in 6 months, and they are starting to mend bridges again. We have just sold our house and relocated, renting at the moment and for the foreseeable future. DH mentions to MIL that got completely caned on the price and thus future deposit for a house completely wiped out. MIL, seeing an opening there, offers to give us £25,000 to contribute towards buying a house.

When I heard this I said 'I'd rather live in a skip than take her money'. DH thinks he'd rather be able to buy a house and swallow his pride. I point out that this is a woman who has never done anything in her life without expecting a payback. DH says that we can still keep avoiding her as we have done so successfully for the past 12 months.

What would you do? She is scheming, isn't she, we should not be tempted.

If she is controlling, you should not be tempted. Can't possibly be a good idea to give someone like that any extra reason to think she has a hold over you. Maintain your financial independence.

Nope nope nope. Wouldn't take it!

I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole, but perhaps be more sensitive explaining why to your DH- more along the lines of the fact you were prepared to take the hit anyway, it's not fair she should pay for your mistake, and it would be a shame to jeopardize them building bridges as such a large sum would inevitably cloud the issue. Rather than making her out as a scheming evil bitch, which isgoing to play into her hands by putting you in the middle of you both.

See, I did that without using the word "toxic" once

Good luck x

It wouldn't feel right to me to take 25,000 from someone and then continue trying to avoid them. Give it more time before taking her up on it maybe and see how the relationship develops in the meantime?

Who needs to be beholden to the Witch-in-law? No thanks

"you in the middle of them" I mean

WHat's her contact with you been like in the last 12 months? Could this first time meeting in 6 months with her son be viewed as a window of opportunity by her?

That is a lot of money to accept from someone you don't have a good relationship with... It would ring all sorts of alarm bells with me.

It will be so satisfying to decline it. Imagine her disappointment at not being able to have you feeling indebted to her.

I think there is something unsavoury about the thought of taking her money then continuing to "keep avoiding her".

Ask her if she would like to give the money to your DC instead and if so put it away for them till theyre older....and she's dead

you don't get owt for nowt

But that's the thing littlepeanut, I want to be able to keep avoiding her but if she has practically bought us a house, I can't and that would be the end of me! I haven't seen or spoken to her for 12 months, long story which I am not going to bore you with, oh ok I will - DS1 is autistic, MIL thinks I'm making it up to draw attention to myself, and that he is autistic because I let him watch too much TV/don't read him enough books/etc. I could go on. I think she is has now realised that she has crossed the line and is trying to get into DH's good books. With money.

thanks for your comments, I gather the consensus is that it's better to be skint and free.

good idea to suggest putting it in a trust for DC!

take it and then forget to tell her where the new house is!!!!!

If it was just to fritter away on all sorts of flash stuff then yes, i would take it and then change my name, phone number, address etc.

As it's for a deposit on a house, then no. Run. Run for the hills as fast as you can!

we are scarily similar situation. your comment about not being good enough for MIL because you aren't begging for help every second of the day really struck a chord.

We think that we may accept the money on behalf of the children, and make it very clear that it is going into their savings accounts. we did suggest that she did this herself, but this was ignored. I really think that a lot of her wanting to give the money to us specifically is again her wanting to think/feel that we can't cope without her help/input.

It feels awful to think so suspicially about someone who, on paper, is trying to do something so kind and generous for us- but those with past MIL history will understand!

MIL has commented on the fact that no way is she going into a home when she is very old, I am convinced that the offer of money is a foot hold in the door- she may be very unpleasantly surprised when she gets dispatched off at a very healthy and active 65!

P.S. anyone else who would like to offer money could gladly live with us until they reach a grand old age!

i might of sounded like your dh was hinting?

it

Would your MIL consider adopting a second son? She leaves you alone and my dh gets the ££££...

Sorry, not very helpful. I do think you are doing the right thing in refusing. Bitoffun's idea about pitching it to your dh as a 'don't let money spoil your fragile relationship with your mum' issue is v. good.

yes, perhaps there is a way of rephrasing 'I don't want that evil witch to get her claws on this family' into something a tad more sensitive for poor ol' DH's sake...

Take it, they don't live forever.

Seriously... had a F-inlaw from hell. Rich to boot. He helped me and exH buy our first house. He didn't like me anyway, ever, ever... but I just said to myself, 'that's his problem'... I made it my husbands responsibility. I could never please him, gave up trying.

Just play it cool. You don't have to be all panting and wagging your tail over her. Let your hubby take it. He's her son. Tell him that too.

It's a very nice offer. I have taken large amounts from parents embarrassing though it is to admit it.

but there is always, always a price. I really feel unable to say no to the said parents, about anything.

Trust for the children is a good idea.

She would own you-no way!

If she is offering money so that she can feel she has the right to control your life or just for the pleasure of emotional blackmail, then you have to refuse.

Is there potential that she could hold you to ransom?