What would you do? MIL is offering us money. A lot. I want to tell her to shove it but DH thinks I'm crazy. Who is right?

[drowninginlaundry]

That's it in a nutshell...

DH and his mum recently had a bit of a falling out mainly because MIL is a controlling nutbag and a passive-aggressive narcissist who thinks I am a bitch from hell (has said as much) for 1) snaring her eldest son 2) not worshipping the ground she walks on and 3) not begging her to 'help' every minute of every day and asking her to come and live with us.

Dh recently met her over dinner, first time in 6 months, and they are starting to mend bridges again. We have just sold our house and relocated, renting at the moment and for the foreseeable future. DH mentions to MIL that got completely caned on the price and thus future deposit for a house completely wiped out. MIL, seeing an opening there, offers to give us £25,000 to contribute towards buying a house.

When I heard this I said 'I'd rather live in a skip than take her money'. DH thinks he'd rather be able to buy a house and swallow his pride. I point out that this is a woman who has never done anything in her life without expecting a payback. DH says that we can still keep avoiding her as we have done so successfully for the past 12 months.

What would you do? She is scheming, isn't she, we should not be tempted.

Personally, I'd take it, but would feel uncomfortable about it. She will probably try to control you anyway, money or no money so you might as well be more comfortable in the meantime. Trust for the children is an excellent idea. Or buy a house that is completely unsuitable for old people to live in!!!!

No. Have some pride in yourself. You don't like her; to accept her money would be deeply undignified.

drowning in laundry,

Feel for your DH as he grew up in such a damaging environment and he may be just having a realisation as to how bad things really are.

Building bridges with a narcissist is impossible as your DH will likely discover for his own self - the three worse words you can say to a narcissist is "I love you". It just gives them more emotional ammo to hit you with.

Do not under any circumstances take your MIL up on her so called "kind" offer. You cannot take the money and then continue to avoid; its not going to work. This is an offer beset with unspoken conditions; you will be beholden to her for the rest of her days if you do. It will bring you nothing but misery.

Narcissists do not want to build bridges!!. These people do not play by the "normal" rules governing relationships. All they care about is looking good; your MIL only loves her own self.

The controlling and passive aggressive narcissist combination are very hard to deal with (short answer is you cannot as you cannot reason at all with a narcissist). Most narcissists go untreated; it can take at least 2 years in therapy for them to trust a therapist and progress is extremely slow. Do not have any emotional entanglement with her under any circumstances. That may sound a bit harsh for some to hear but its the only way forward in these circumstances.

I would only take it to pay for therapy or equivalent. Because material things can wait (like houses) but sometimes therapy can't. IYSWIM.

I think I'd have to be very convinced though given your MIL's previous nuttiness and unpleasantness.

Hi Jinjams,

What therapy would you be referring to?.
Therapy or otherwise I still would not touch this money with a long pole. This money will bring you nothing but misery.

Some narcissists spend extravagantly in order to impress people, keep up grandiose pretentions, or buy favorable treatment, and some narcissists overspend, bankrupt themselves, and lose everything. I think she wants to buy you both.

Jimjams,

Am sorry for misspelling your name; was an unintentional error on my part.

Don't do it. Not worth it. Tempting to get you out of a hole but it will just create problems.

I would think twice about taking it off family I got on with let alone somebody who had openly said they didn't like me.

Ooh- maybe she expects one of your children in return?
Don't take it.

Therapy for her son.

It's the only time I would consider taking tainted money. If I otherwise couldn't afford it.

Don't take it. She will be gutted that she can't have a hold over you.

Rephrase it sensitively for dh's sake, yes.

BARGE POLE!!!!!

that way madness lies - she will of course use it as a stick to beat you with forever and ever.
Don't do it!

A laudable purpose most certainly but I cannot see the MIL handing money over for such therapy. I note as well that in one of drowning's earlier posts on this thread, the MIL has accused Drowning of making up her son's autism to bring attention to her own self!!.

Still would not take the funds being offered under any circumstances.

I was just saying the circumstances under which I would take dodgy money. If I wanted to run a full time ABA programme for example then 25 grand would pay for one year so I'd take it and run. Not looking for excuses to take it, just giving the one reason that I would take it. But Id still refuse to talk to the woman.

If you do take the money, make sure you get legal advice before you use it towards a new home so you are protected. As Dittany says, she could potentially claim some ownership rights.

Me and my MIL dont get on. She is also a bit of a nut bag who was never a proper mother to DP. However since the DC's have arrived she cant do enough for us. She has never offered us 25k for a house but bought both expensive prams for our DC's, highchair, cotbeds, car seats basically all the large expensive items we needed. On top of that she bought us a laptop, dishwasher and freezer.

Is she buying us? Probably! But as DP points out she never did anything for him as a child (he had a very miserable upbringing) and if she wants to help out now then let her. I dont feel its my place to interfere- its his mother not mine. And at the end of the day it benefits my DC's.

I can understand you not wanting her to have a hold over you but I suppose it depends how desperate you are for the house deposit.

I wouldn't touch it.

DON'T TOUCH IT WITH A BARGEPOLE (YES I AM SHOUTING!) I have a narcissistic MIL who sounds very like yours and she tried something similar but I severed all ties as I'd had just about enough. If you take the money she will think she owns you. Decline tactfully- the post by BoF is very good and I'd choose that option if I were you. Don't even put it in the DC's savings accounts as it won't change her behaviour. She can leave it to them in her will if it hasn't gone on on care home costs.

Attila, your posts about narcissists describe my MIL perfectly. Can you recommend any books about NPD? Mind you, I could spot a narcissist in a blackout now due the the experiences I've had with her!

how about getting dh to say thanks very much for the offer, but you are going to wait six months to see how the market goes/you have signed a six month lease or whatever, and if she still wants to make the offer at end of that time, you may well take her up on it. May, not definite yes.

Gives you breathing space to think it over, see if the relationship improves, and isn't immediately throwing it back in her face. May also mean that she merely behaves herself for six months in order to get what she wants, but hey six months of peace can't be bad?

But if she shows signs of still being nutty and not reformed, bodyswerve the whole deal. And yes, get legal advice before you decide. I don't think she would have any claim if its a gift of cash to her son, but i live in scotland and law different here.

Good luck! PS buy her a good reference book about autism for her christmas.

Grapejelly

Anyone who has come from a family where narcissitic parents are present certainly have my sympathies.

I've also had the misfortune to previously have worked with a narcissist - nightmare. I only realised that she was bloody awful to work with but never knew why. I do now having done some researches.

I have heard good reports about a book called "Children of the self absorbed". I may well read that one myself.

The phrase "selling your soul to the devil" springs to mind, probably because once I was in the same position and I would have lost my freedom and sanity if I had said yes. Instinctively, going on what the OP said, my advice is to say no and stick to your guns.

this was linked in an old thread; Characteristic of narcissistic mothers
yep, that's my mother in law...