What would you do? MIL is offering us money. A lot. I want to tell her to shove it but DH thinks I'm crazy. Who is right?

[drowninginlaundry]

That's it in a nutshell...

DH and his mum recently had a bit of a falling out mainly because MIL is a controlling nutbag and a passive-aggressive narcissist who thinks I am a bitch from hell (has said as much) for 1) snaring her eldest son 2) not worshipping the ground she walks on and 3) not begging her to 'help' every minute of every day and asking her to come and live with us.

Dh recently met her over dinner, first time in 6 months, and they are starting to mend bridges again. We have just sold our house and relocated, renting at the moment and for the foreseeable future. DH mentions to MIL that got completely caned on the price and thus future deposit for a house completely wiped out. MIL, seeing an opening there, offers to give us £25,000 to contribute towards buying a house.

When I heard this I said 'I'd rather live in a skip than take her money'. DH thinks he'd rather be able to buy a house and swallow his pride. I point out that this is a woman who has never done anything in her life without expecting a payback. DH says that we can still keep avoiding her as we have done so successfully for the past 12 months.

What would you do? She is scheming, isn't she, we should not be tempted.

don't touch it - my mum did same to me.

Long story short I am now moving because of the consequences and giving up all rights to the house to my mum.

I won't go into the details, but if I could go back in time there is no way on this earth I would do the same again.

I'd rather all of us live in a bedsit.

Thanks for the reading material Drowning and Attila. The big problem with narcissists is that until you realise that is what they are, you tie yourself up in knots trying to please them and are made to feel selfish, rude and stupid whilst doing it. They are so time consuming and give so little back. Offering money is very characteristic of someone with NPD as it involves very little real and genuine effort but makes you feel very much in debt- and that debt will be expected to be constantly repaid.

I thought 'no' as soon as I saw your title...

Definately NO now I've seen your post...the words 'strings and attached' spring to mind

Bet she'd want a part share of the house and your life.

Ally, MIL actually offered a sum of money to DH's brother for a deposit - and demanded a share of the house and her own set of keys!! brother agreed, he is unmarried and will remain so at this rate...

Hmm...personal experience of dh tbh.

He bought his first house. Came home one night shortly after buying it. Locksmith there (family member) changing his locks to give his mother a set of his house keys, so she could make weekly house inspections.

Mad As A Badger.

I think it would be immoral to take money from someone you don't like.

I might be tempted to take it but set up a d/d or s/o to pay her back in regular monthly amounts.

The amount can always be increased as the credit crunch eases up (I live in hope)

I am so jealous ....of the MIL for being able to offer that amount of money. I'd love to be able to help my children, I was not the most sensible of mothers when they were younger, (though very much a 70s parent) even though I adored them.

i try to do my bit by helping out as much I can on a practical level, and it helps that I realy like my daughter as an sdult.

PS if she's reading this...

I am so jealous ....of the MIL for being able to offer that amount of money. I'd love to be able to help my children, I was not the most sensible of mothers when they were younger, (though very much a 70s parent) even though I adored them.

i try to do my bit by helping out as much I can on a practical level, and it helps that I realy like my daughter as an sdult.

PS if she's reading this...

By the way I would go along with those who suggested a trust for children, or a sock under the bed!!

If she died tomorrow and left you all her money, would you take it?

well I would have to say that my parents and dil's gave us a large sum of money each so that we could buy our house, we could never have afforded it otherwise, there are no strings though, in fact it has never been mentioned by either of them again.
I think parents want to help their children out if theyare able, but maybe my family is too sane.

OMG Just real;ised I havent changed my name back

interested to know Ally90.... what happened after locks were changed? Did DH change them again?

No, his mother is barking mad. She kidnapped his dog and kicked him out of family business for a week with no money because he separated from a girlfriend she had earmarked as a future dil. He's in the family business and gets well paid...he let her do it...he says she soon lost heart in saying things like 'oh we've just popped round to your house and it could do with a clean'. She would go round with his sister, who he had not spoken to for years. His mother also used to thrown cutlery at him and his sister when they were young. And his sister was still having full on tantrums at 18 ie thrown herself face down on ground and hammering it with her fists and feet. Not that any of this happened of course when you raise it with his mother

Drowninginlaundry is wise to steer clear of financial bribery from mil.

Don't touch it. You'll never be allowed to forget it, and she will feel she has rights over you, your house, your decor, your furniture .....

I wouldnt personally accept money from someone you don't like. I think it's impossible for it to come without strings attached.
A friend of mine allows her parents in law, who she can't stand, to pay school fees so their kids can go to private school. I find that pretty immoral and spineless tbh