My life is a mess - need some strength - sorry long post

[thesadone]

When I have a rational moment I think I know the anwers to my own questions, but I feel so low all the time I am doubting my own situation - please can I have some honest opinions.

Here goes... I have been married for 10 years and have 2 DC with DH, our marriage has deteriorated since the birth of the children as I have been the sole carer, he still lives the life of a single bloke (minus the sex!) goes out when he likes, 6 nights a week, stays out longer than he promises, if he has to look after DC constantly reminds me that he is doing me a favour. If we do stay in he tells me he is bored, He tells me regularly that he has no respect for me that I have let myself go (admitedly I have put on weight with pregnancies, used be a size 14 now a size 18) find weight loss a struggle. But he really has made me believe I am hideous.

He treats me as if I am a complete non-entity in his life, saying he will be nice to me when I am thin again and the fun loving girl I was before the kids. I have challenged him about his behaviour and he has said he will do what he likes and doesn't care what I think, but that he won't leave me and if I leave him no one will want me with two kids in tow. Will I find anyone else?

This has all come to a head with a row last week when he was extremely angry because I wouldn't agree with him about a young teenager babysitting our DC, he compltely lost is screaming at me at 1am in the morning, woke DC's up, despite my pleading for him to shut up, him shouting at me that I was a disgusting c* etc etc.

He has taken me to a place where I have no self worth, self-confidence and feel completely incapable of functioning alone. I haven't been single since I was 15 and have 4 relationships in that time now 40 and have moved from one relationship to another with each bloke looking after me and all bills etc ( which with hindsight is not a good way to grow up), so have a (ridiculous) I know fear of coping, just wish I could be strong enough to leave but he tells me my life will be a disaster.

Will I be able to cope I am a SAHM he pays all bills, how the hell will I cope, he says he will make life so difficult, we have a big house and he earns lots of money, but tells me if I "dare" go to a solicitor he will kick me out of the house and give me nothing.

I truly feel broken over all this.... advise please.

He sounds like an utter nob.
Solicitor is first port of call I tihnk.

it won't be up to him to give you nothing

get to a solicitor and the CAB

you can't live the life of a single bloke when you are married with children

you will cope because you are stronger than you think

He is behaving like a complete twunt. Is he 4?
Solicitor, and counselling too if you can afford/get some. Sounds like your self confidence has taken a thorough knocking. How old are your dc? Feel for you.

He can`t kick you out you have the kids and he has to provide a roof over their heads

Tell him to "get stuffed" putting it polietly .
Hes a bully and needs a kick up his arse

This is so, so, wrong.

Empty threats re the Solicitor. Find one.

Agreed with moondog, utter nob.

My DC's are 5 and 3, my other fear is I don't want them growing up thinking this is how a man should treat his wife and living under a cloud all the time.

i think your post suggests you KNOW what you need to do

you need to galvanise some real life mates/family/support

This man is toxic and he is wrecking your self esteem. It's not you darling, it is all him. He sounds like the kind of bloke who would treat any woman like shit if he was with her for awhile, even if she was a size 6.

Don't walk away, run if you can.

He cannot kick you out of the house. Document his behaviour, keep a journal. Get a free half hour with a solicitor.

You think you can't cope but you would and you would THRIVE. It wouldn't be easy tp leave and you would need time to adjust but trust me you can do it and you will do fantastic.

Of course someone else will want you.

OMG So shocked at what you have been putting up with .

Its psychological abuse . Thats why your self esteem is rock bottom

Honest opinions : Work out a way to GET RID OF HIM.

Hugs

He is a hideous bully.
You say you are worried about coping alone, but it sounds very much like you have been doing this for a long time, while he does what he likes and treats you like crap.

If its financial stuff you are worried about - you are married and he had a duty to pay maintainance for your children. He cannot chuck you out with nothing.

Go and get some legal adice about seperation/divorce. You may not feel up to doing anything just yet, but you will at least know the reality to counteract the rubbish he is spouting.

Do you have friends/ family you can talk to about this?

Well to start with he can't throw you out on the streets with nothing. You are married and as such you are entitled to a share of the house and he has to give you money to support the dc.
Also don't believe him when he says you'll never meet anyone else. You will. He has knocked all your confidence out of you so that you will stay and put up with his disgusting behaviour.
You can cope on your own and you don't have to be treated like this.
Make an appointment with the CAB and they will show you what options you have, you will be pleasantly surprised I'm sure.
Good Luck.

Thanks for all the support, I can't quite explain why but I kind of feel ashamed to talk to anyone in RL, he says weekly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault because I put on weight which makes him treat me badly.

I'm just plain scared to the core of making changes and how vile he will be to me when I feel so weak, god, I sound so pathetic, I'm embarrassed to even type this let alone come clean in RL.

It's got nothing to do with your weight. If you were a size 4 he would find something else to pick on. He is just being an abusive twat.

He sounds like a complete arse. I hate to encourage family break ups but it sounds to me that you would be so much better without him. He is basically not behaving like he is even in a relationship!

I have put on loads of weight in recent years and i know my DH isn't exactly happy about it (well neither am I really), but he still tells me that he loves me every day.

I second what everyone else has already said. Go and get some advice. You deserve so much better for yourself.

Thesadone - you dont sound pathetic. I cant say the same for your husband, however!

You have no need to feel ashamed - he does. When you make people who care about you aware of the situation, it can be like breaking the spell. They will be shocked and angry on your behalf, and that in turn can give you validation ("I'm not going mad" "It really isnt my fault" etc)and they can help and support you in making the changes you need to. (Also, it will become known in the wider world that your husband is a complete - a pleasant side -effect.)

He is using your weight to control you.

If you tell someone enough that they are stupid/to fat they will eventually believe it. The self doubt starts to become true.

You are a strong person and you will be able to be cope on your own.

Your need to make yourself strong to make you the happy person your deserve to be. You need to be strong for your dc's.

when I left dh I lost all my weight.

From where you are, leaving is going to take an awful lot of courage. My advice would be to approach things slowly - just because we are all screaming 'leave him he is t*** doesn't mean you have to grab the kids and run barefoot into the road! Give yourself time to get used to the idea and to do what you need to do to reassure yourself it's going to be OK. Get your head round your marital finances (what's the house worth, how much does he earn etc); see a solicitor; tell a close friend; think about how you might want to live in the future; check out some divorce websites to commune with other people experiencing the same thing.

Then when the moment comes - and it will come to you, no need to chase it - you will be prepared and able to make it happen.

It's a bit like childbirth or a driving test - horrible for a while but then so very worthwhile when it's all over

Thank you all so much for the supportive advice, missingthe action that is such sound advice I am going to get through this and it's good to know that there is hope out there.

One more thing, whilst the last thing I want is a man, not good for me, I think time for to be on my own two feet and get myself sorted before I even contemplate another relationship. But are there decent men out there who aren't scared off my a twice divorced woman with two small children?

In the future I want a happy family life for us all.

He is emotionally abusing you and I am angry on your behalf.

I seriously don't think this will change. It must have been going on for at least 5 years.

My advice would be to go to a solicitor or CAB and find out your rights. You and your DC deserve to live in an atmosphere of respect.

I know a lot of women who have divorced an arse and gone on to meet the man of the dreams. This could be you if you stop wasting your life on this twunt.

Oh of course you will meet someone else. But when you do you will be independent and confident and you won't have to put up with any crap from anyone.

See a solicitor.

He won't be able to kick you out and leave you with nothing!!
Your life will change though, you may not have the big house and someone else to pay the bills - but you know that you need things to change don't you?

From your post, it's clear that you know what the issues here are. You have gone from relationship to relationship, finding men to prop you up and provide a buffer for you. And now you are being abused.

Get out now. It won't be easy - but neither would the next forty years with this pig be easy.

And please don't even start thinking about whether there are any decent men out there. You need to learn to be independent and comfortable with your own company. To walk straight into another relationship would be to perpetuate this pattern.

Good luck. Get all the information you need (solicitor, CAB etc) then end this appalling abusive relationship. It might help to think that this is a gutless inadequate man who is bullying you to make himself feel big and strong.

what a wanker, you can do it on your own. As soon as I left xp I turned back into the fun loving girl he tried to destroy and control. You need to bee in a place where you are happy with yourself before you attempt another relationship, but for the record I am with the most wonderful man I have ever met andhave been for ten years, you will feel so much better if you take some action.

You need to get out of this situation, but having been through v similar myself preparation as others have said is the key.

With regards to if you can cope, you will cope us women are suprisingly resiliant when it comes to thinkgs like this, we find inner strength we never knew we had!

You need to take time to find you though afterwards, find out who you are and learn to be happy with just you and the kids, when you come out of a relationship like this you need time to heal so you dont carry so much baggage forwards with you or make the same choices again.

Moving on in time will happen naturally, I spent 4 years on my own learning who I was and to love spending time just me and DD. And let me tell you I am A LOT bigger then you, and I am twice divorced, and I come with a DD in tow, my DH2B took all that on and loves us to bits, he wouldnt have it any other way its part of what makes me the woman he loves so much.

Just worry about the here and now and the rest will fall into place when its ready to!