My life is a mess - need some strength - sorry long post

[thesadone]

When I have a rational moment I think I know the anwers to my own questions, but I feel so low all the time I am doubting my own situation - please can I have some honest opinions.

Here goes... I have been married for 10 years and have 2 DC with DH, our marriage has deteriorated since the birth of the children as I have been the sole carer, he still lives the life of a single bloke (minus the sex!) goes out when he likes, 6 nights a week, stays out longer than he promises, if he has to look after DC constantly reminds me that he is doing me a favour. If we do stay in he tells me he is bored, He tells me regularly that he has no respect for me that I have let myself go (admitedly I have put on weight with pregnancies, used be a size 14 now a size 18) find weight loss a struggle. But he really has made me believe I am hideous.

He treats me as if I am a complete non-entity in his life, saying he will be nice to me when I am thin again and the fun loving girl I was before the kids. I have challenged him about his behaviour and he has said he will do what he likes and doesn't care what I think, but that he won't leave me and if I leave him no one will want me with two kids in tow. Will I find anyone else?

This has all come to a head with a row last week when he was extremely angry because I wouldn't agree with him about a young teenager babysitting our DC, he compltely lost is screaming at me at 1am in the morning, woke DC's up, despite my pleading for him to shut up, him shouting at me that I was a disgusting c* etc etc.

He has taken me to a place where I have no self worth, self-confidence and feel completely incapable of functioning alone. I haven't been single since I was 15 and have 4 relationships in that time now 40 and have moved from one relationship to another with each bloke looking after me and all bills etc ( which with hindsight is not a good way to grow up), so have a (ridiculous) I know fear of coping, just wish I could be strong enough to leave but he tells me my life will be a disaster.

Will I be able to cope I am a SAHM he pays all bills, how the hell will I cope, he says he will make life so difficult, we have a big house and he earns lots of money, but tells me if I "dare" go to a solicitor he will kick me out of the house and give me nothing.

I truly feel broken over all this.... advise please.

You certainly need to talk things over with someone, so counselling might help.
But what you need to see more than anything else is that you do not NEED your dh' approval. You are a capable person in your own right, you can do things. Maybe not all you would want to do, but you are able to stand on your onw two feet. It is so important that you grasp that fact and so hard to do because he has undermined you so much. He has no right and no reason ot do so, apart maybe from the fact that his life has moved in a different direction and you have become some'thing' that he no longer wants in his life.
That's nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him.
You say in your original post that you fear to be on your own, but that he is often away on business or out with friends.
You ask if you will find anyone else and he says you won't. Well, maybe not, but the main thing you need to see is that you do not need anyone else, you are capable on your own.
He is very wrong to say horrible things to you, but you don't have to believe him or even listen to him. Don't answer back, just leave the room. Make yourself a little place where you are comfortable, find a couple of magazines and just go there when he starts off. Let us know how you get on.

sorry not much time to post but just wanted to say that it sounds like you are doing it alone already PLUS having to cope with an utter little sh*t undermining you into the bargain.

ive been in your shoes. leaving was the best thing i did. My DS is lovely, well balanced happy because he sees me happy, not a downtrodden shadow of the person i was with exP.

the hardest thing is making the decision and after that it just gets better and better.

he's threatening you with losing your home and all the other rubbish because he's scared you will leave and he's trying to frighten you.

think about this... if you are so unattractive, useless, whatever he calls you why does he say he wont leave and says things to stop you leaving? because he knows he's a prize arse and you are probably one of the best things in his life.

Thx guys I have told one RL friend, bit scary to do opening Pandoras box but kind of liberating, she was horrified made me see it through het eyes, as have you guys. You are so right about me seeking his approval I kind of feel controlled by him but I am going to beat this and will let you know how I get on, massive thx for all the support it really has given me the start of a strength I had lost x

Message withdrawn

Dior thx glad yours worked out but good to know there are all kinds of happy endings x

Dior - adoring man 10 years younger - fantastic!!

Thesadone - you will get there, your posts have both strength and insight. It really isn't easy, but then many things that are worth doing aren't easy (trite saying, but true!!). I found mumsnet a great place to download and had strong support from lovely people which really helped (have changed my name since then because I felt/hope I'm much more positive). I wonder if you go to a gym at all? I don't now, but I used to go and run (even though I hadn't ever been to a gym before so it was quite daunting to start with) and the physical exercise made my body tired and mind relaxed, which helped.

Take much care xx