My life is a mess - need some strength - sorry long post

[thesadone]

When I have a rational moment I think I know the anwers to my own questions, but I feel so low all the time I am doubting my own situation - please can I have some honest opinions.

Here goes... I have been married for 10 years and have 2 DC with DH, our marriage has deteriorated since the birth of the children as I have been the sole carer, he still lives the life of a single bloke (minus the sex!) goes out when he likes, 6 nights a week, stays out longer than he promises, if he has to look after DC constantly reminds me that he is doing me a favour. If we do stay in he tells me he is bored, He tells me regularly that he has no respect for me that I have let myself go (admitedly I have put on weight with pregnancies, used be a size 14 now a size 18) find weight loss a struggle. But he really has made me believe I am hideous.

He treats me as if I am a complete non-entity in his life, saying he will be nice to me when I am thin again and the fun loving girl I was before the kids. I have challenged him about his behaviour and he has said he will do what he likes and doesn't care what I think, but that he won't leave me and if I leave him no one will want me with two kids in tow. Will I find anyone else?

This has all come to a head with a row last week when he was extremely angry because I wouldn't agree with him about a young teenager babysitting our DC, he compltely lost is screaming at me at 1am in the morning, woke DC's up, despite my pleading for him to shut up, him shouting at me that I was a disgusting c* etc etc.

He has taken me to a place where I have no self worth, self-confidence and feel completely incapable of functioning alone. I haven't been single since I was 15 and have 4 relationships in that time now 40 and have moved from one relationship to another with each bloke looking after me and all bills etc ( which with hindsight is not a good way to grow up), so have a (ridiculous) I know fear of coping, just wish I could be strong enough to leave but he tells me my life will be a disaster.

Will I be able to cope I am a SAHM he pays all bills, how the hell will I cope, he says he will make life so difficult, we have a big house and he earns lots of money, but tells me if I "dare" go to a solicitor he will kick me out of the house and give me nothing.

I truly feel broken over all this.... advise please.

There's some really, really good advice on here. There is one point that has been made a couple of times but I want to make it again because it is vital. Do not start thinking about the next man in your life pleeeease. You need a period on your own, you need it because it will put you in control, it will make you independent and self-reliant and ultimately it will give you the confidence you are so clearly lacking.

This could have been me posting four years ago, although I wasn't married we had been together 10 years.
In the end I couldn't take being treated like it anymore, we had a huge row and we split up.

I too had all the fears that you have, but I along with lots of others have coped, and got long, it is hard at first but it does get easier.

The important thing is, that you will no longer have no self worth, self-confidence and feel completely incapable of functioning alone, in fact you will have so much self worth, confidence and *know you can cope alone, that in time you will wonder why you put up with it as long as you did.

The most important thing is that your children will grow up realising that it is not ok to treat people like this.

As for finding someone to share your life with...it can and does happen, many women feel so strong, that they don't need a man to make them happy, others like me find a man when they least expect to.

I now 4 years down the line, have a truly wonderful man in mine and my Dc's life, who treats me with care and respect, and loves me for me.

My children still have a good relationship with their father, and have a wonderful step father in the bargain.

I'm sitting here crying, but with a feeling of hope, I feel truly supported by you all, when I hear all your comments I realise just how awful and untenable my situation is. At the end of the day I need to walk away from this, I will go and get legal advice, put plans in place and get moving on this one, I am only 40 and don't want to waste anymore of my life.

Thank you all so much, I have never really posted on here before just looked in, but it really is an amazingly supportive place.

God - sorry just had to have a rant! Just sent DH a text asking him to stay in on 3 Tuesday nights in December so I can go out with girlfriends - well actually to their houses for supper - sent a nice polite message - his reply - where are you getting your money from, do you really need to go out!! Rang him told him I'm going you ARE staying in and as for how I fund it non of your goddam business! What an idiot - about time I got angry me thinks! Ladies you may just have given me my proverbial balls back!

thesadone I cannot believe how strong you have been keeping it all together in the face of years of constant abuse. You may be feeling weak and pathetic, but I assure you, you are anything but. You deserve a real life, not this shadowy-half-life that your h is putting you through. Start to believe in yourself - you are not what he says you are (his words say more about him than about you) so block out his lies and see him for the pathetic coward he really is. Why would he go to such trouble to keep you just for himself (by stripping you of your confidence) if you were not worth it?

I don't know if anyone has suggested this already, but if you can, can you put some money aside so that you have funds in the short term?

Definitely time to get angry. He is an arse. Hold on to that strength, but don't let your anger at him colour your new life - because he is not a part of that.

yes you can do this - but as the prev poster jsut said, please squirrel money away - even if it's only cash back at the shops - my one regret is when XH & I split up I literally had nothing no savings no money etc for 3 weeks was like that and had to rely on ym parents, and tbh I will NEVER be that vulnerable again.

oh n I also lost 2.5 stone after splitting with XH.

seek legal advice, copy ALL legal documents - mortgage etc etc pensions saving shares etc etc.

when you're feeling like you can't take it come back and we'll be the voice telling you u can do it.

oh n yes there is some lovely men out there - also ones who don't care about kids or divorces.

You are stronger than you think. oh and expect him to get totally vile and worse as you re gain some of your independence.

Hi thesadone, I am sorry you are going through this. You already know that you need to get out of this relationship and you know it is the right thing to do for both you and your DC. He is ruining your life, clearly. But as some have said it isn't as easy as packing your suitcase and nobbing off. Get as much info as you can and legal advice is essential. It will be hard, am I right in thinking that you may be a bit scared of not having the nice big house and complete financial security?
My friend has 2 DS and by a man she left. She then got married to someone else who was a total arse and made her feel worthless. She too put on weight etc and he made her feel bad about it. Eventually after 4 years she threw him out. She then spent 2 years as a single parent with her DS, getting her confidence back and now she has a lovely guy who loves her and her 2 DS as if they were his own. Oh and BTW she is never lost the weight and her new man loves her for who she is not her dress size.
I would not even be thinking about meeting someone else yet concentrate on sorting out your situation, cos it will take time. Good luck x.

Wigglesworth - yes shallow I know but scared of losing the lovely comfy life that I and DS's have, really want for nothing financially but want for everything emotionally. He has told me so many times that if I leave him I will regret it and that he will give me the bare minimum but the kids all they deserve and more - can't quite work that one out?

Money and possessions don't make you happy-look at Robbie Williams. Kids might love all the toys and stuff now but later in life they will remember their father as an arse and will probably blame you for not protecting them from this.

VEry true, the thing is at the moment because I cover for him and are super happy all the time when I am around the DC's and when he lets them down make excuses for him, they think he is great - which if I'm honest really annoys me, but I would never want them to feel anything but 100% loved so won't let them see his failings.

Can also someone try and help me work out why I get a sick feeling when I he is out and about or away on business, I suspect he may be cheating on me, why wouldn't he, no interest in me and he is very highly sexed, I can't bare the thought that I will look an idiot, does this deep down I wonder if I still love him, or maybe just the shame of it all and how inadequate the thought of being potentially cheated on makes me feel?

Missingtheaction is very right about approaching this slowly.
You see, he will always be able to control you through the children, especially if they are fond of him.
No court in the world will tell him not to see his children, however mean he is to you.
So my advice would be to set a time scale on it, say, a year from now and to prepare very carefully.
Don't make any demands on him now, but use the fact that he is unwilling to help you care for the children to your advantage.
Forego the evenings out with your girlfriends, you will have plenty of time for that once you have made the break.
And set up a bank account in your maiden name and stash some money away in it.
Speak to CAB and/or a solicitor, but make sure he soesn't know a thing about it.
Lull him into a false sense of security and build up your strength and confidence before you make the break.
Best of luck.

You know if he is cheating on you it will make it easier to divorce the tosser! Agree with DutchOma put as much money away as you can in your own secret little account just in case. I also wouldn't slag him off to the kids either cos this can be damaging to them also, no matter how much of an arse he is to you and how tempting it would be. I wouldn't big him up though either, don't worry soon enough they will see him for what he is, kids pick up on stuff easier than we think.

Thank you all for your words of advice, I hate to even ask this, but he says that everone will understand if we split as I am "fat" and he is good to have stuck by me this long - people won't think that will they?

No, nobody will think that he is in the right to leave you because you are fat. He is a bully and you need to build up your self esteem to deal with it. he is talking rubbish, but you need other people to help you see that. Real people. Go and see the CAB and also speak to Women's Aid, they have immense experience in deling with bullying husbands.
There are plenty of loving husbands who have fat wives, mine is one.

DutchOma big thx

If anyone does think that then they aren't worth having as friends anyway.

It's taking the first step that is the hardest. Out of all the things we have said which is the one you think you can do?

The first thing I am going to do is get legal advice, and work out what monies I need etc, knowledge is power and all that x But god it's damn scary, I feel so lonely and am afraid I always will

thesadone - please get good legal advice. It is really worth it in the long run. Also - you will cope. Lots of us have already had to do this. You will get your confidence back, your self-esteem will grow. And loads of people on here are very happy to help. Stick with it. Also - you don't need to rush into anything. You can take it quietly and calmly with a solicitor, then when you are ready to sort it out - in your own time (always assuming you are safe of course).

Take care x

Also bear in mind when you see your husband that you are going to take steps to stop his bullying. You don't have to say anything about it, better if you don't. But think about it all the time:- he is a bully and you are not taking anything he says at face value.
So, if he says for instance that nobody will want to be with you 'cause you are so fat, say something like "well that's good because I don't want anybody to be with me apart from you." I know you will be lying through your teeth, but I bet it will take the wind out of his sails for a bit.
Just get on with looking after yourself and the children, and keep telling yourself you are doing a good job, as we will all tell you too.

Honey and Lemon thx and Dutch Oma slow and steady is such good advice, I'm going to make plans and try and not let him jerk my chain anymore x

You can do this x

thesadone - how are you today?

H and L feeling v down today, just want him to be the lovely bloke I married and he was a complete sweetheart for 7 years right up to when I had first Dc who was completely planned, feel like I am in mourning for what I had before, but after 5 years of horribleness it's like he's a different person, I think the DC's coming into our lives changed us from carefree to responsible and then he started to change and not for the better, how can I want a hug from someone who treats me so badly, I just don't get it - I am so scared of being alone - it flat out terrifies me, I wonder if councilling might help me deal with this issue?