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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont know if DS is DP's child.

67 replies

Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 11:07

I know Im going to get a lot of flak for this post but would like some advice etc. I've name changed for obvious reasons!

Basically Im not sure whether my DP is my DS's biological father or not.
We were in a very casual relationship when DS was conceived, we lived in different countries and would meet up for long weekends etc every few weeks. There is a strong possibility he is the father as was visiting him around the time I fell pregant.
However I also slept with a long term friend the week before that.

When I found out I was pregnant we have been properly together. DP did question while I was pregnant whether he was the father as he found out I was sleeping with other people when we were having only a casual relationship but I told him he was. We agreed he would have a paternity test when DS was born ( I was shitting this as I wasnt 100% sure it would be positive). Since DS's birth it hasnt been mentioned again. I think maybe DP would rather not know IYKWIM. DS doesnt look like DP at all more like me.
We have since had another DC together and are also engaged.

I have no intention of telling DP now that there is a miniscule chance that he is not the father as he adores DS and has brought him up for 4 years. I just wonder myself....

Also I fear getting tripped up later in life...

i do regret not being honest with DP from the beginning but now its too late...Ive got too much to lose.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 17/11/2008 11:14

oh dear, I do hope that you don't get any flak on here. That would be very unkind. It obviously crossed your DP's mind that the baby might not be his and bearing in mind the length of time that has passed, surely he has put that out of his mind. He KNEW you had been sleeping with someone else, therefore if it was that important that he knew for definite, surely he would have done something about it by now? Is your 'long term friend' still around? Does he look like DS? To be honest, its quite common that kids don't take after one particular parent. My DD doesn't look anything like my DH (who is definitely her father) although she has inheirited his windy bottom!
Try not to worry too much about it. You didn't deny that you'd been sleeping with someone else so he must have known there was a possibility, no matter how small that your son was not his. He has chosen to take him on and like you say, after 4 years, he is not going to stop treating him as his son.

Cadelaide · 17/11/2008 11:17

So, lets say you were to test without DP's knowledge (can that even be done? Don't know?), ask your self what you would do with the information.

candyy · 17/11/2008 11:18

I agree with mumoverseas. You sound like you've got a great relationship and father to your children, so I would leave things as they are, and if you can, try not to worry about it. I hope this doesn't sound glib.

BitOfFun · 17/11/2008 11:19

Let sleeping dogs lie, I would say. Who would it help to know any different? Your DP is the daddy in every way that counts, IMO

Original poster
Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 11:19

Thanks for the reply mumoverseas.
My friend now lives at the other side of the world.....he has no idea that there is a possibility of him being a father.
DS doesnt look like him either.
Ive even thought of contacting the friend and having a DNA done without DP knowing just so I know for myself. But I fear that would be opening a can of worms!

OP posts:
Kally · 17/11/2008 11:20

leave it, leave it... just be opening a can of worms and what would you do if you found out baby is not DP's? Isn't it all about caring and nurturing? Leave it alone.

Tidgypuds · 17/11/2008 11:21

I wouldnt worry about your DS not looking like your DP, both my DC look nothing like me. Im dark with dark brown eyes and they both are blond with blue eyes.

Yes there is a small chance that he may not be your DP's but only a paternity test will prove that.
If you do go ahead with it, it opens up a whole lot of other decisions you will have to make ie: name on birth cert, do you tell the real father, will it damage the relationship of DS and DP (probably wont as he obviously loves him).

renaissance · 17/11/2008 11:22

I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

Your DP is for all intents and purposes, the father. A DNA test would work out the biological stuff, but would it change anything?

AMumInScotland · 17/11/2008 11:22

What is it that has brought this issue up again for you? Are you fretting about it for some reason? Could you talk to DP about the paternity test which never got done, and ask whether he would like to do it to be certain, or is happy with the (slight) possibility that he is not the biological father.

It doesn't sound like you've been dishonest - if he knows you slept with someone else round the time of conception, and there was discussion of a paternity test, then he obviously knows there is a potential risk that he's not the biological father.

marlasinger · 17/11/2008 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumoverseas · 17/11/2008 11:24

DON'T open the can off worms! as said above, you have a good man, a good father, move on and put this little thought out of your mind x

44christmaspuddingsinarow · 17/11/2008 11:28

your d/p has choosen to ignore this issue - he is fully aware of the facts. You have not in any way decieved him as he knows the implication of the casual affairs and sleeping with others so your d/s may not be his.

If he has choosen to ignore the biology on this then i suggest you do aswell - unless you want the real father to step forward so to speak if it isn't your dp's.

I hope you can somehow work through this in your own mind and come to the right conclusion for your family.

elliott · 17/11/2008 11:31

I agree it is a can of worms, but there is also another person involved here - your ds. Does he have a right to know who is his biological father? It may be that one day he may need to know something about his genetic inheritance. If he does find out at a later date without you having told him, the fact that you have lied may be much more damaging to him than if you had been open.
I don't know the answer, it is clearly a bit of a minefield, but it isn't just about how you and your dp feel about the situation that needs to be considered. But I tend to think that truth is less damaging than secrets and uncertainty. If you don't clear it up now it might be something that assumes bigger and more serious problems in the future.

elliott · 17/11/2008 11:33

And it sounds very likely that the test will be reassuring, in which case you will have a huge burden lifted from your shoulders.

dsrplus8 · 17/11/2008 11:38

stop beating yourself up about this, your dp loves ds1 hes brought him up for four years he is his dad, the biology doesnt matter.mumover spot on! have ds WHO IS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF HIS HALF BROTHER,they look more alike than ds and dd twin sister.infact 6 of my kids all look alike,blonde big blue eyes(3 are mine by birth, 3 step) and the 2 that dont look like the others are mine by birth(ds3 -has green/brown eyes, medeteranian skin brown hair and dd3 blue eyes reddish hair ivory skin).how did that happen when ive got same colouring as dd3,?(recesive genetics, except ds3 who is the image of exh ).

Original poster
Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 11:45

I do feel that i havent been completely honest with DP though. he found out I had slept with others at the beginning of the relationship completley by accident ( he found a diary) I had always told him I hadnt slept with anyone else at all. When he found this out he questioned paternity and I lied and told him I hadnt been with anyone else for a couple of months before conception. he didnt believe me and asked for the DNA test. I have stuck to my story about there being no one else in the frame so to speak.

OP posts:
SameAsYou · 17/11/2008 11:45

I too went through the same as you - although now not in a relationship with either of them.

I was seeing someone casually (will call him man A) and had a one night stand with another man (man B). I fell pregnant and wasn't sure and stressed the whole pregnancy. A had no idea I was pregnant and only found out towards the end as someone told him. I was convinced it was B and told him at 12 weeks that I was pregnant - he turned round and told me that he had a wife and child and would not be part of out lives. After getting over this major shock I decided I would do this alone.

A was the person who came to me and asked for a paternity test - it came back negative. It was one of the worst things i have gone through as he desperately wanted this to be his child. He would have been great for DS.

When DS was 12 weeks I got some strength to conact B as wanted confirmation that he was DS biological father. It returned positive.

I wanted to do the DNA very much from day one but probably wouldn't have had the courage if A hadn't come to me. Maybe I might have done down further down the line.

I got crazy thoughts in my head (when pregnant) what if DS needed a kidney and mine wasn't a match - extreme i know but I literally obsessed about things like this.

I see what people mean about not rocking the boat but it would be at the back of my mind until i knew for sure.

ingles2 · 17/11/2008 11:52

Oh God,...so difficult for you.
I think the problem here stems from guilt. When your DP asked if ds was his you reassured him he was. And even though you discussed a paternity test, your dp was probably totally put at ease by your reassurance and so has never felt the need to question it again. I think you're going to have to be really honest with yourself here.
How convinced are you really that dp is the father?
Can you live with the knowledge that he might not be?
How will this affect your DP and your DS?
Does your ds have a right to know the truth bearing in mind he might have medical needs in the future.
If I were you, I would probably have to bring up the question of paternity again and live with the consequences. But please think very very hard about this, it could ruin your relationship and that of your DP/DS. I'm sorry there's no easy answer.

ingles2 · 17/11/2008 11:54

took 10 mins to type that so x posts with everyone. sorry

dsrplus8 · 17/11/2008 11:57

,, theres no easy answer to this, hope it turns out good for all of you.if it was me id probably keep quiet unless dp brings it up again. he asked for a dna you agreed, and it seems that was enough for him.x

ingles2 · 17/11/2008 11:58

ok, so you have lied.
you have 2 choices then.
Either you are very very brave, and admit everything to your dp. bearing in mind you could lose your relationship.
or
you try very hard to forget this, which will be difficult as it could bite you on the bum sometime in the future.
Ummmm.
I don't know what I'd do...I think I'd have to admit to dp.
Really feel for you.

mayorquimby · 17/11/2008 11:58

"I have no intention of telling DP now that there is a miniscule chance that he is not the father as he adores DS and has brought him up for 4 years. I just wonder myself....

Also I fear getting tripped up later in life...

i do regret not being honest with DP from the beginning but now its too late...Ive got too much to lose. "

the amount of "I" talk in your post shows how utterly selfish you are being.
both of them have a right to the truth. your son to know his real father if thats the case. and your husband to not be essentially tricked into raising another mans child.
you are making decisions for and playing with other peoples lives because you don't want to face up to the truth.

Original poster
Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 11:59

Thanks for your post Sameasyou.
If I hadnt have been with either of them I hop I would have had your courage and been honest from the start.
My gut feeling is that DS is DP's.

OP posts:
Dominion · 17/11/2008 12:04

Let it lie.
Your partner has been a father to your son.

My sons dont look like their dad, they both look like me.

My niece looks like she could be my sister, in fact, everybody thinks she is my daughter when I take her out. Yet her mum looks nothing like me.
My aunt has brown hair and brown eyes, her husband has black hair and blue eyes. They have five children with brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest is blonde with blue eyes. There were some rumours! But the son is the spitting image of his grandfather.

Genetics is a funny thing!

Original poster
Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 12:12

Thanks for your opinion mayorquimby.....
I thought it was too good to be true not getting a judgemental, OP bashing post.

FYI I am not a selfish person....I have just made mistakes.

OP posts: