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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont know if DS is DP's child.

67 replies

Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 11:07

I know Im going to get a lot of flak for this post but would like some advice etc. I've name changed for obvious reasons!

Basically Im not sure whether my DP is my DS's biological father or not.
We were in a very casual relationship when DS was conceived, we lived in different countries and would meet up for long weekends etc every few weeks. There is a strong possibility he is the father as was visiting him around the time I fell pregant.
However I also slept with a long term friend the week before that.

When I found out I was pregnant we have been properly together. DP did question while I was pregnant whether he was the father as he found out I was sleeping with other people when we were having only a casual relationship but I told him he was. We agreed he would have a paternity test when DS was born ( I was shitting this as I wasnt 100% sure it would be positive). Since DS's birth it hasnt been mentioned again. I think maybe DP would rather not know IYKWIM. DS doesnt look like DP at all more like me.
We have since had another DC together and are also engaged.

I have no intention of telling DP now that there is a miniscule chance that he is not the father as he adores DS and has brought him up for 4 years. I just wonder myself....

Also I fear getting tripped up later in life...

i do regret not being honest with DP from the beginning but now its too late...Ive got too much to lose.

OP posts:

Blu · 17/11/2008 12:17

I don't know how paternity testing is done, or whether it can be done without anyone's knowledge? If so - if it onvolves sending a hair, for example, I suppose you could get on done which may or may not then put your mind at rest.

But if it came back showing other man as father, you would then have deepened the subterfuge: have tested without knoledge, be sure that your DS is not DP's and having to conceal or reveal ALL. How would it chang things if you knew that DP is not the bio father?

Obviously a positive confirmation that DP is the father would give you the feeling of being 'off the hook' guilt-wise....but the secrecy that it was ever in doubt would still be there, and unless you confessed that you had done a secret test - thereby raising questions of why you would do that having said you knew the answer, you could not pas the 'good news' on to your DP anyway.

Think through why you want to be sure, and what it is that is most important to your DP - your absolute honesty and lack of secrets, bio-paternity, or your relationship as it is, with practical fatherhood and a genuine relationship - whatever the DNA - at it's heart.

Blu · 17/11/2008 12:21

imam - MQ is raising a reasonable point - WHO is either openness or secrecy for? And you do need to address what is best for your DP and your child as well as what is best for you. Long and short term.
You may feel 'bashed' but you can't realistically post a question without some opinions you may find confronting! She didn't criticise how you came to be in this position - just made a fairly brutal assessment as to how she sees you dealing with it now.

Original poster

Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 12:34

I dont feel that I'm just thinking of myself. My DP would be devastated if he found out that DS wasnt biologically his and at the end of the day it would make no difference to their relationship, I dont think Dp would let it.

OP posts:

sb6699 · 17/11/2008 12:37

You do realise that if you DNA tested and dp isn't the father both him and ds will be heartbroken - is it worth risking this just to assurge you of your guilt.

Btw, my 3 dc's all look completely different, one blonde tall and skinny, one redhead tall and stocky, and one brunette petite in every way. DH jokes the milkman, postman and him. Looks don't really come into it.

ingles2 · 17/11/2008 12:37

but it might IMAM. and they're entitled to know the truth really rather than your version of it iykwim. would you do a test secretly? can you do one?

ingles2 · 17/11/2008 12:39

you're right sb699,...but how would they feel if the truth comes out in 10 yrs, 20 yrs after someones death?

Original poster

Imadeamistake · 17/11/2008 12:44

I know you can do testing through the internet. You send hair samples of the DC and one of the potential father ( and maybe one of mine...not sure about that) and then send them through the post to be tested.
I could contact my friend and ask him to be tested.....not sure if he'd agree to it.

I have thought about this and have decided that Im not sure what I'd do with the information anyway.

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 17/11/2008 12:52

If you've carried on like this for 4 years why now? If it's troubling you you need to discuss it with your partner, keeping something that is uspetting you secret like this quiet will push you apart. You both agreed to do a paternity test so there was obviously some doubt there and that was accepted. Perhaps you only need to ask your dp the question ..'why did you decide not to have one in the end?'

MissAnthrope · 17/11/2008 12:52

I think your son deserves to know the truth.

I know that there will be implications for the adults involved, but at the end of the day this primarily involves him does it not?

rebelmum1 · 17/11/2008 12:54

Honesty is the best policy in my experience a relationship needs to be based on what is real and true no matter what that truth is.

nellynaemates · 17/11/2008 15:13

Haven't read through thread but felt I must reply.

Firstly, what's your child's blood-type? If you don't know I'd find out. Blood type inheritance means that in certain circumstances it can show clearly whether or not someone is/is not the father, e.g. if parents are both O child must be O (although an O child can have A/B parents).

I say this because even if you do "let sleeping dogs lie" there's no way of knowing that your child might twig one day that their blood type doesn't make sense.

I know from personal experience.

The truth has a way of letting itself out.

Of course everything might be fine but I can't help but be bitter that I'm now trying to trace someone who my mum and dad (not biological dad) decided wasn't going to be part of my life. They stuck their fingers in their ears for 20-odd years and sang "la, la, la". He never knew I was born, I got lied to. I now feel quite isolated from my siblings and my dad and can't talk about it with them.

It doesn't have to be that way of course, but I think it's fair that you hear what can happen.

Blu · 17/11/2008 15:20

I definitely wouldn't involve the other man, not in the first instance (if you decide to do any testing at all). If DS is your DP's other man never needs to know anything about it. And there's no way you could ask other man for a hair for testing without telling DP you were testing - that would be a terrible betrayal.

SameAsYou · 17/11/2008 16:09

When i did my tests IMAM - it was saliver taken from our mouths.

I really hope you work this as i pretty much know what you are going through - although I didn't have a relationship to take into account.

imnotmamagbutshelovesme · 17/11/2008 16:19

Blood does count for something and it can be very problematic in the future if the child is not who he thinks he is genetically.

I truly feel that if this is the person youi felt you loved enough to have another child with and are going to marry, you should be able to talk to them about everything.

No flak for your busy sex life but I do feel you owe it to your son to find out.

CoteDAzur · 17/11/2008 16:20

Didn't you have a dating scan in early pregnancy? That would show which weekend your DS was conceived.

CoteDAzur · 17/11/2008 16:24

What is your DP's blood type?
What is yours?
What is your DS's?

Original poster

Imadeamistake · 18/11/2008 10:16

My blood group is A. And DP's is either AB or B, its written down somewhere but cant find it at the moment. I havent a clue what DS's blood group is, he's never had a blood test.
Im not sure the dating scan I had proves anything as sperm can live for a few days cant they? It was DP I was with through my most fertile period and my cycle is very regular.

OP posts:

nellynaemates · 18/11/2008 10:32

Hmm. I don't think your son's blood group will be a very useful indicator in this case then.

The only scenario that would tell you anything would be if your DP is definitely AB and your son is O. In that case your son wouldn't be your partner's (an O blood type person must inherit an O from each parent as it is a recessive blood type and if your partner is AB he doesn't carry O). If your partner is A and/or your son is anything but O it will tell you nothing.

Hope that makes sense!! I discovered that I wasn't biologically related to my dad when I found out that my blood type was B (my parents are both O). They'd told me I was O negative for years and I only found out when I was pregnant when I was chasing them up for the rhesus injection and they informed me I was B positive....

In my case my mum thought my dad (who brought me up) must be my biological dad, again because of the stage of her cycle she was at when she was with the other man.

She was wrong! Unfortunately ovulation can be unpredictable even when you think you're regular.

Original poster

Imadeamistake · 18/11/2008 12:54

Nellynaemates- can I ask how you, your mum and dad reacted when you found out?

OP posts:

nellynaemates · 18/11/2008 13:05

Well my mum and dad have been divorced for a few years and are both remarried (but were together for the whole of my upbringing).

Throughout my life I have had plenty jokes about being left by the gypsies/being so different from my brother and sister etc.

My mum sensibly sat me down and told me the story, as much as she knew about my real dad and why it was kept secret.

I'm very, very close to my mum, and although I harbour a bit of anger and bitterness about what she did, I haven't let it affect our relationship because she's really important to me.

I've never been really close to my dad and have always felt like he preferred my brother and sister to me (wonder why that was...) but he is a good man. He knew about my mum's affair and that I might not be/was probably not his. We haven't spoken about since I found out. My brother and sister still don't know. To be honest I don't know how to bring it up.

My son is my dad's first grandchild and if it was confirmed to him that I'm not really his biological daughter I'm worried how much it would hurt him.

I feel like I've been left harbouring this big secret, and I don't know what to do with it and can't find any trace of anyone with the name that my mum gave me for my real dad.

It's left me feeling pretty crap, but not devastated. I also understand that when I found out (at 22) I was actually at a stage in my life where I was able to cope with it. If I'd found out when I was an adolescent I probably would have gone over the edge, as I used to suffer from depression anyway.

Sorry this is so long!!

Long story short, my gut feeling is it's better to have it out in the open from day 1, then it's normal to the child involved. I feel this because I don't think it's possible to 100% guarantee that it won't come out later and possibly be more hurtful.

Original poster

Imadeamistake · 18/11/2008 13:20

Thanks for the reply Nelly. It must be very difficult for you. Especially keeping your true paternity from your siblings in order not to upset/hurt them.
I agree with you....It is better to be honest from day one as this will save a lot of upset etc in the future. I also know that morally the right thing to do is to be honest with my DP and have a DNA test done.
I cant though I'm a coward.
Im not sure DP will thank me for bringing it up again.
If my relationship doesnt survive because DS isnt DP's then I will have done no favours to DS. His Dad would have left, his Mum would be heartbroken....would he even have a relationship with his Dad after that?
Maybe Im trying to convince myself that saying nothing is the best thing all round.

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 18/11/2008 13:23

i think to say anything now would be wrong, it helps no-one and hurts everyone - just keep stumm.

you will achieve nothing but heartache all round by disclosing this info. you managed this long, perhaps talk to a third party if you need to get it off your chest.

good luck.

nellynaemates · 18/11/2008 13:28

The thing is IMAM, in some ways saying nothing probably is best (or at least will result in the least conflict).

And for all I know my childhood might have been horrible if I had known that my dad wasn't my dad.

I guess the choice is to keep it under your hat now and always know that it may explode (although probably won't) or you go for it and decide to find out for sure, accepting that there may be unpleasant fall-out.

The thing is, your partner does know that you slept with someone else so maybe just saying to him "Do you ever wonder about DS?" or "Does it ever bother you?" might break the ice on the subject again and you can possibly go forward and think about paternity tests from there depending on his reaction.

I guess I wish you the best of luck in however you decide to tackle it!

thenewme · 18/11/2008 13:48

By not sorting this out "because you are a coward" means you are putting yourself first. You have to find out for the child's sake. It happens that people meet and fall in love and then it turns out they are related. That can't end well.

CoteDAzur · 18/11/2008 13:57

Regardless of paternity issues, you must find out your children's blood types. What if he is in an accident tomorrow and quickly needs blood transfusion?

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