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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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59 replies

whethergirl · 15/11/2008 19:48

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Will try to describe without too much detail...
I've been a single mum for 4 years. Recently, for the first time in years, I've fallen for a guy who I'm in regular contact with. When he realised this was the case, he made clear his situation, which is, he is heartbroken and still pining after another. I was gutted. However, he did say that he could offer nothing more than something very casual (a fling basically!). Really don't know if I want to go for this option or not. I could really do with the physical intimacy. I've had a week of this situation unfolding, I've been like a love sick teenager and to make matters worse, I've had terrible insomnia and feeling completely over excited, which I'm now realising is probably the herbal slimming pills I'm taking. My heads a mess. Anyone want to shoot me?

OP posts:
KatieMorag · 15/11/2008 19:50

can i just check???

you are single mum

you have fallen in love with male friend / aquaintance

he's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship, just casual sex

and you are wondering what to do????????

missingtheaction · 15/11/2008 19:51

if you want to make your life even messier throw yourself at him and let him take advantage of you while he has the excuse of doing whatever he likes to your heart because he warned you beforehand!

Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 19:52

Sorry, I really don't know what you are getting at...are you saying, I'd be mad to get into that kind of thing or are you saying what's to lose??!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2008 19:56

Don't cheapen yourself by sleeping with him.
Is that all you're really worth - just a brief sexual encounter. C'mon, get real, you are worth far more than that.

This man cannot give you what you want; he is certainly not ideal and will actually make you feel worse in the cold light of day.

Infact the best thing you can do now is cease all contact with this man after declining his so called "kind" offer.

Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 20:00

Honestly, he is really lovely guy, just wanted to be honest and let me know what the score is. No, I guess this man cannot give me what I want but isn't it better than nothing? I've NEVER had casual sex before but I've just got to the stage where I think, fuck it, why not? At least it's some male attention/physical intimacy. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I could handle a proper relationship after the nightmare with my son's father. By the way, I wouldn't cease contact because we are actually friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 20:00

By the way, after spending three years not wanting to go anywhere near men and feeling perfectly fine to remain single, I have all of a sudden started to feel really, really lonely.

OP posts:
KatieMorag · 15/11/2008 20:28

I meant that i agree with Atilla - you must be mad & you deserve better

you cant affford to mess up your life if you have a child to consider

i am not sure that i convinced about the " lovely honest guy" who just wants a shag

if you are lonely you need a proper relationship - friendship, understanding, fun and maybe even???? love and comittment. not just casual sex

by getting involved with him you will make it harder to meet the right man for you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2008 20:36

Not being a part of this casual arrangement will make you happier in the long term. You are worth a hell of a lot more than the meagre crumbs he is offering. And why sleep with someone you regard also as a friend; your friendship could well end over it and it would certainly change because the boundaries have altered.

D'you also know this man's sexual history?. You could well be playing with your own sexual health here; its not worth any potential risk for a casual encounter.

You do strike me as really lonely but what have you tried to alleviate this loneliness you feel?. Where do you go and meet people; does not have to be just men, you need to expand your own social circle. Nightclubs and bars are not great places to meet nice men. Being on your own and keeping your body (which is actually very precious) for someone who is actually worth your time is better than a brief encounter which will perhaps mean nothing to him.

Perhaps working on your own self worth and esteem will help you - you sound very low. Relate may be able to help you and they don't charge the earth either.

Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 21:57

Thank you for your concerned comments...yes, I agree, save yourself for the right man who can offer more....great in theory, but how likely? No-one can say, all I know is that this is the first time I've fancied someone in 5 years.

Atilla, as a full time single mum I mainly only ever meet other mums. Nights out are rare anyway. I do go to drama classes (full of gay men). But I don't really go out 'looking' for a potential partner, this just happened.

I am low about this situation, otherwise I'm ok, got loads of friends and family around me and of course my wonderful son. But it's not the same. I have a need for something more than that.

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Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 22:04

Also I should explain better. He didn't exactly just offer me a casual fling. He just realised that I liked him, so told me about this woman he was still pining after and that he has had a couple of flings since but has always made it clear to the fling-ers(!) that he could not offer anything more so that no-one got hurt.

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HelensMelons · 15/11/2008 22:08

It sounds like you are excited and flattered by the attention - that's fine but he's already talked about his limitations ... if it's not in your nature to have this kind of casual fling ... then would you be happy? You mention the word intimacy a couple of times, I don't think he's really offering you intimacy either sexual or emotional and, perhaps, that's what you crave more than a casual fling.

Sorry, if this sounds harsh, coz I understand that it's difficult to meet people and it's hard to be impulsive with a young family as well.

TheYearOfTheCat · 15/11/2008 22:11

I think you are going to get hurt - you have said as much in your OP

'he made clear his situation, which is, he is heartbroken and still pining after another. I was gutted. However, he did say that he could offer nothing more than something very casual (a fling basically!).'

This is leading to nowhere. What's more, your description of your reaction, 'I've been like a love sick teenager and to make matters worse, I've had terrible insomnia and feeling completely over excited' shows that you are possibly reading more into this than is there.

My little sis had a great book,

He's just not that into you

It's hilarious, but truer words have never been written. Save yourself a broken heart. Perhaps once you politely decline, you will open yourself up to someone who really is into you.

Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 22:15

Well I've just been in a position to have casual flings before and also always had this kind of fairy tale idea of only having sex with people that mean something to you. He means something to me, I know he doesn't want a relationship with me but he does actually like me as a person. So, would I be happy? What's the choice? Nothing, or a casual fling. A meaningful relationship is not of the options unfortunately.

I know what he can offer me - sex, affection, a few dates, some attention. So is it unreasonable to want these things? If I can't get the proper thing?

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HelensMelons · 15/11/2008 22:18

It's not unreasonable - it's just that you can't get the propery thing - YET.

If you had a casual fling with him, I feel that you would both have different agendas. His is non commital. Would yours be, that you would hope that he would change?

Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 22:19

Thanks yearofcat, I've put it on my wish list! And you are right - I'm frightened I'll get hurt, and I am reading into this a lot more than is there, he is not aware at all of how much I actually like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 22:22

HelensMelons, I don't think I would be that optimistic that he would change, as it is I don't feel like I'm good enough for him in that the women he usually dates are very beautiful, clever and usually talented. I think my agenda would be to just get what I can out of him and hopefully have some fun dating and getting some plain human contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 22:24

I've already started flirting with him, so he is now flirting back...which I'm now obviously finding hard not to repsond to because I like him so much. So that's why I feel things will spiral.

OP posts:
HelensMelons · 15/11/2008 22:30

Gosh, you're very hard on yourself!

It sounds like you don't have much self confidence?

I'm still not sure that you should embark on this fling - is there anything else you could do to have more fun - get out more, or something?

Original poster
whethergirl · 15/11/2008 22:41

No, just realistic!
I do have a night out every so often and I do go drama classes once a week. But it's not the same as a bloke you really like, holding you in his arms is it!!

OP posts:
Simplysally · 15/11/2008 22:48

I would try to steer clear of him for the reasons other people have had said... you want intimacy but he is not offering that. It's your first chance of a 'relationship' for some time yet you would be going into it from unequal viewpoints. You won't get emotional closeness from him since he is pining for another girl - or so he says. A real friend wouldn't make this sort of offer. He would politely decline advances.

IMHO.

HelensMelons · 15/11/2008 22:49

No, definitely not the same!!

If you have kind of made up your mind, then have fun but be cautious.

Kally · 16/11/2008 10:43

I had a casual relationship like this about 2 years ago. I wanted sex, (having split from ex, left a boyfriend I adored and had a good sexlife with (I moved countries) and not having been kissed for almost a year)I WANTED to get laid. But not with just anyone (of course). But the thing is, because you are so needy right now it's not easy to just do it on the physical side and keep your heart out of it. I did meet someone I was very attracted to and liked a lot so I did this and very nearly got really hurt, but the sensible side got the better of me and I pulled out.
It's so hard to just go and start something when you know he's not in it for something that stands a chance od developing. You'll end up really liking him, liking what you do physically together, wanting more, him not up to giving it, and you feeling bad about it all.
My advise is, unless you can really keep your heart out of it, don't do it. I thought I could, did it, and it just messed with my head because I wanted more and he didn't. (Glad, actually, that I am beyond that now. I wouldn't ever do that again, in hindsight).

HRHSaintMamazon · 16/11/2008 10:55

WTG - im in the same position...sort of. I've been happy and single for 4 years too. but i think i have come to a point in my personal development where i don't want to be on my own anymore.

I joined a dating site about a year ago and although i did message people and chatted to a few, i wasn't in the right place for a relationship so i kept everyone to just msn chatting.

but this guy isn't the one for you.
Im sure he is lovely but it would ruin waht could be a future possible relationship if you cheapened yourself and slept with him as part of a fling.

solo · 16/11/2008 11:09

Some women can have casual sex and others just can't. You sound like you are one that just can't and that's not a bad thing(I'm the same). You'd likely get sucked into loving this man and he would probably not fall for you and he's warned you. You would be very hurt and then would not even feel he could be a friend to you, so you'd be very much worse off IMO.
Don't do it to yourself.

Squitten · 16/11/2008 12:09

If you really like him, then I would stay away. He's not where you are and you cannot rely on him to change his mind.