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[whethergirl]

I'm in a bit of a pickle. Will try to describe without too much detail...
I've been a single mum for 4 years. Recently, for the first time in years, I've fallen for a guy who I'm in regular contact with. When he realised this was the case, he made clear his situation, which is, he is heartbroken and still pining after another. I was gutted. However, he did say that he could offer nothing more than something very casual (a fling basically!). Really don't know if I want to go for this option or not. I could really do with the physical intimacy. I've had a week of this situation unfolding, I've been like a love sick teenager and to make matters worse, I've had terrible insomnia and feeling completely over excited, which I'm now realising is probably the herbal slimming pills I'm taking. My heads a mess. Anyone want to shoot me?

I have been in a very similar position. Split up six months, and really just want some intimacy and male companionship / attention.
I have had the opportunity to have flings, but havent. Becuase I know, deep down no matter how frustrating it is, I am one of those women who just cant have a fling without getting my heart involved.
I look back at those times I VERY NEARLY did, and am so glad I didnt. I do wish I had had the sex! But I know things would be so much more complicated for me now than they already are I had done so iyswim
I would recommend staying away - as the old saying goes If in doubt, do nowt...

I have slept with a ex after we'd been broken up some time (I'd dated another man in the meantime) but I don't think I could do it now. I stopped doing it then as I began to fall in love with another man.

In fact, I'm sure I couldn't have casual sex now. I could only do it then as he was an old flame so we'd had that newly-in-love lovemaking so somehow it didn't seem as cheap to reignite a sexual friendship. I was a lot younger though.

I have slept with a ex after we'd been broken up some time (I'd dated another man in the meantime) but I don't think I could do it now. I stopped doing it then as I began to fall in love with another man.

In fact, I'm sure I couldn't have casual sex now. I could only do it then as he was an old flame so we'd had that newly-in-love lovemaking so somehow it didn't seem as cheap to reignite a sexual friendship. I was a lot younger though.

well you are all making sense...I guess it's a case of following my head and not my heart...! (Difficult). I don't think I can sleep with someone without feeling emotionally attached so, you are all right, probably best to save myself the heartache.

Also, do you really think he would think less of me if I just slept with him? I guess, I'm fooling myself into thinking that he'll like it so much that he'll keep coming back for more, but then it could totally backfire and he could just sleep with me once and then never again.

Really, really miss being kissed and held by a man. As you all probably know, having a child means I'm constantly giving and looking after and I just want someone to do that for me once in a while. I guess I should just continue to rely on my friends for that.

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit pathetic, but I do have a really bad crush on this bloke, I'm 36 and have been a reduced to a teenager! Ridiculous!!!

If you want a proper relationship, and he just wants sex then I would say it's a non-starter.

beanieb, I'm not sure if I am even ready for a proper relationship myself (I don't have the time for a start!!) But something a bit more than a one of fling.
I want some male attention. But I just have to be cautious that I don't get my heart broken in the process.

Of course you miss male company and being held and kissed by a man! That's only natural and I'm sure no one here judges you for that . I just hope that you meet a man who can give you the proper relationship you deserve

Thanks Kris, to be honest I was doing alright before but this man has opened doors to feelings I didn't know I have and made me feel lonier than ever! I don't really get to meet single men anyway. I meet mums. Loads and loads of mums. But no single men.

Just sounds to me from your language like "I've fallen for" and "I was gutted" that you would be expecting a lot more from this and could end up getting hurt if you go for a purely physical fling.

"By the way, after spending three years not wanting to go anywhere near men and feeling perfectly fine to remain single, I have all of a sudden started to feel really, really lonely. "

That's how you felt, then suddenly...

"Recently, for the first time in years, I've fallen for a guy who I'm in regular contact with."

I suspect you've started to feel lonely and want a man, not this man. Suddenly you're physically and emotionally in need so your mind has tricked you into suddenly fancying this man. It gives you something to think about and feels exciting, especially the kind of physical yearning and reawakening (excuse mills and boon language ).

But don't give into it. As others have said you'll end up hurt. Recognise that he can't give you want you want and make efforts to find someone who can. And even if you want a "fling" or a one-night-stand (no judging) then still do it with someone who isn't this man.

Wise words 007.
Definitley feeling VERY mills and boon at the moment!
Your last sentence really has made me think. I think I might like to try having a fling, just to get this whatever it is out of my system, but you're right, not with him, someone who I think very highly of and would never want to risk losing friendship over.

This is all very well, but if he asks me out to dinner (which he said he will) I will say yes and will find it impossible not to flirt with him.

So flirt! flirting can be harmless fun, just remember where and when to stop it turning into being hurt! Enjoy the meal.

Yes, but how much flirting can you do without being considered a prick tease? What does anyone think? Back tomorrow x

If you've fallen for him, then a fling will be a disaster. It will leave you feeling more empty and lonely than you were before and will more than likely ruin your friendship.
He's been honest with you, so why not do the same, tell him that you don't want a casual fling, you are worth more than that, and if you can't have more then you'll settle for just friendship.
Flirting over dinner is fun and harmless, but as long as at the end of the meal you go off home on your own and don't carry the flirting on to his place or yours.

I know how you feel, I am currently in a very similar situation.I am a single mum and have fallen for a male acquaintance who has become a good friend(he too is a lovely honest guy)and he has made me feel like a teenager again, I too am in my 30's he is in his late 20's.I didn't go looking for him, we met initially in a professional relationship.We get on so well together and have flirted with each other.He has hinted at a casual relationship only, as he is too busy at work and enjoys his single life.

I have backed off recently as my feelings became too strong.I havn't seen him for 3 months but still text or ring.I thought I could cope with a casual no strings relationship it was surely better than nothing.My advice is not to go there and to give yourself some distance for a while from each other to save the friendship.I have spent 3 months of emotional heartache trying to cope with my feelings for him, I am so confused at the moment, but glad I gave myself that distance as if we had gone out and continued to flirt I would have weakened and gone with my heart not my head and made a big mistake.He would have got what he wanted, just sex, no emotional attachment and would have left me feeling lower and lonelier than I already do.

You do not mention where you met this guy, as you are in regular contact with him, will it be easy to put some distance between you for a while?

He has made is very clear how he sees you as only a fling and he's done this twice before to other women, you will not change the way he feels.He has his heart set on this other woman, is there a chance that they will get together?

Please be careful, I have feelings for this guy I know that I have never felt before.If you have a very good friendship with him do not spoil that.Give yourself some time and distance and avoid going out for a while with him even if he asks to avoid getting hurt.Stick with your other friends and family for now.

"If you've fallen for him, then a fling will be a disaster". I guess that's really logical, I was feeling too emotional to come to that conclusion myself!

Great to hear about your experience Brokenheart. This man is about 15 years older than me, he is involved in showbusiness so initially it started off with me emailing him to say I liked his work. We have been emailing each almost every day for the last 3 months. We've only actually met once due to distance!

Well, since my last post I did a really stupid thing and emailed him telling him how I was sexually frustrated. But I also said how I wasn't sure if I could like someone enough to sleep with them but not enough for it not to go further (we've never actually directly talked about this referring to ourselves). He wrote back and was gracious enough to not comment on my sexually frustrated comments but did say that when he said "fling" he didn't just mean sex for the sake of sex, it has to mean more than that and sometimes it's more about physical contact than the actual sex. I think he is trying to say that he can't commmit himself into any relationship because he knows his heart is with another woman.

It doesn't sound like being this woman is really an option as she chose her family over him.

I think I will carry on emailing but not mention anything about sex or relationships, just keep it really lighthearted. If he does ask me out for dinner, I won't be able to say no but circumstances would not allow anything serious to happen anyway! Far too much organisation when you are a single mum! He lives too far away and at my place I'd have a babysitter and a child who still wakes in the night!

I think he is trying to tell you without being too unkind that he is not sexually/romantically attracted to you. SOme people might say he should be more honest, but many people find 'Sorry I am not sexually attracted to you' sounds too much like 'You are unattractive' when that is not what is meant, so people often tend to be diplomatic about rejecting romantic advances rather than brutally truthful. The fact that he sees you as a friend rather than a sexual/romantic partner doesn't make him a bad person, but you should perhaps be looking for other friends and having less contact with this man till your crush subsides. Because it really is just a crush: you may even have subconsciously picked on him to 'fall for' as you know that he isn't interested in you as a partner and is therefore safe.

Having been there myself only recently I know how hard it can be to think what is the right thing to do when your head is spinning and is so full of someone.You are too emotional to think and do the right thing at the moment.It can be a very lonely place as a single mum and when a guy you like gives you attention in any form you want to grab it with both hands even if sometimes its not the right thing to do.

Friends tell you to forget him but you just cant switch off the way you feel.I didnt even realise the feelings I had developed, but have spent the last 3 months crying daily because of them.

It helps that you dont have physical contact with him regularly. This next bit of advice will be hard believe me I know, but try and cut down on the amount of emails you send to him for a while as the constant contact wont help.It will get easier,I didn't think it would as I was so emotional but it does and I could not have written this a month ago without being in tears.

I feel I am reaching a point where I can deal confidently with the very good friendship I have with the guy I like and want to keep as it is very important to me. Although the last 3 months have been very difficult I did need that break from seeing him to put my feelings in check.

I know where you are coming from with any evenings out, it is not easy. If he does ask you out for a meal be confident you can handle it before you go, and that it will be a meal between two friends and enjoy the good friendship you have made.

Solid, I find it hard to believe he doesn't fancy me at all, seeing as he flirted with me when we met and made some physical gestures. I'm not totally blind.

Broken, you hit nail on head. So hard not to respond to male attention when you are in this position. Well I'm definitely not going to be so hot on replying straight away as I have been, feel better for it already. Thanks for your understanding, I do feel sad for you, I secretly hope this guy can give you what you want one day, but until then, you know you are doing the right thing.

SOme people are very flirty and don't mean anything much by it. SOme people, particularly those who are a little bit vulnerable and want a new partner to make everything better, sometimes misinterpret friendliness from attractive new acquaintances as serious intent. For whatever reason, this man is telling you that he is not your knight in shining armour, not interested in having a committed relationship with you, Not That Into You. You really would be best advised to accept this.

Gosh, solid, that's a bit harsh for a brokenhearted gal. You might be right though, who knows.

I thought I'd not email him for a few days but he emailed me again last night asking if he'd said something to upset me (I told him no, he hadn't). I just told him I was tired and not in the mood for emailing and he basically encouraged me to email him and we ended up having a bit of a fun banter.

I'm actually coming to terms, with the help of all your feedback, that it will be nothing more than friendship (with a bit of flirting) and as long as I realise that and have no more expectations then we'll all live happily after.

Thanks for your lovely comments, I just hope that me and this guy will remain friends as the friendship was so good I felt so easy and natural in his company,just got myself a bit too emotionally involved without realising it.Now i've taken that step back I feel ready to save what was at first and still is the most important thing to me and that was our friendship.

I hope everything works out for you too.It sounds like you've formed a really good friendship with this guy, don't loose that.Good friendships are hard to come by but as long as you both know where you stand and don't get hurt, then just enjoy yourself, life is too short.

Thanks Brokenheart, you are very wise and really know how to treasure a friendship! If he meant that much to you, no wonder you fell for him, especially being a single mum like me - it's a vulnerable situation.

I mentioned last night that my tap in the bathroom was broken and now he's coming over on Friday (he was passing through my town anyway) to fix it! I think I'm in a much better place to handle it, just hope I don't turn to mush again when I see him.

Good luck for Friday, he obviously thinks alot of you otherwise he wouldn't bother to call in, just be careful he doesn't have a different agenda to you and knows where he stands so you don't get hurt.

It will be very hard I know, but be strong when you see him and remember all the advice you have been given.

It sounds like he has been hurt very badly in the past and is in no position at the moment to go anywhere with any serious relationship.A good friendship is a good start and better than a casual relationship.He will learn to trust you and none of us know what the future will hold.