dh had an affair and wants to come back. but he got up to all sorts sexually with her, and I dont know if I can handle that

[insecureandconfused]

I am not a prude.But there are some things I wont do sexually. I like exciting, passionate sex with someone i deeply care about, but I am essentially inseure and am not up for 'dirty' sex iyswim.
In the time dh and I have been apart ( afew months now), I did not sleep with anyone else as I was essentially confused about loyalty to him.
I really did want him back.
But it has recently come up about some of the stuff he got up to with her. Things I would never do with him, and that he HAD asked me to do but I refused. He made me feel inadequate sexually, his sex drive was higher than mine to begin with but the constant persering and 'duty sex' is enough to bring anyones sexual self esteem down. And being asked to do stuff you wont do just fuels that.

I think I do still love him. But I dont know if I can work through this. I am disgusted with him, and feel like I can never meet his sexual needs. I am also very confused as to whether we would work, and whether I am prepared to put the work in. I would love nothing more than for us to be happily together for the long term, but I am just reeling from what I have found out.

Any advice? Can you get past such a betrayal?

im not sure really but if you love him and want him back then maybe it could work? could you trust him?

Message withdrawn

Why did he tell you?
Did yuo ask?

I would question why he told you. The fact that you say he made you feel inadequate in past makes me think that this is another layer of, i don't know, pressure? undermining your confidence?

I do feel that a healthy sex life is part and parcel of a healthy relationship - although everyone goes through hard times!

good luck.

How did you find out what he got up to with her?
Did he tell you unprompted?
If so, it seems like another way he is trying to make you feel inadequate to me. He is saying 'you wouldnt do this, so I was forced to go elsewhere and now I am coming back to you but I am just warning you that other women are happy to do what I want'
Seems like he is putting a lot more pressure on you to be honest when he should be begging forgiveness and telling you all the things he loves and missed about YOU

For me, it would be improtant how he came to be discussing with you his sex life with the other woman.
I cant see any reason why he felt the need to share this with you other than to hurt you even more than he already had.
He sounds damaging for you and its no wonder you are feeling insecure.

Unless you both come to some agreements over the sex, and you both compromise to something you can both accept long term, not sure how you could ever work together

Sounds like you need to discuss this with a sex counsellor at Relate - can you really not take on some of his needs? Duty Sex will kill any relationship so you need to be sure you can both commit to your future sex life before you can move forward..

he told me cos I asked. He was asking me all sorts about whether I had got up anything with anyone else, and I thought I would ask him that too. probably not the best thing to do in hindsight...

how long have you been married? not that it makes a difference. From what you have said so far, I'm not sure it would work if you got back together - things which were wrong before would still be wrong, iyswim. You'd need to have a frank discussion about how to go from here, can you trust him again?

Whether you asked or not is, io, irrelevant.
He didn't need to go into details, he didn't need to point out that you always refused the same things.
He was trying to make you uncomfortable and jealous and to basically keep you insecure of his love for you.
And all when he should have been on his knees pleading your forgiveness. He sounds horrible.

ok you asked, but he didn't need to tell you all the detail!

Message withdrawn

I am not ure it was quite like that astropup.
I asked him yes or no. He told me. I ranted and raved.
It is me saying that I would never have done those things rather that him reminding me that. He did beg forgiveness, but I am not sure if I can.

get some expert advice...mumsnet is beyond brilliant [of course] but i think someone who has specialist knowledge and skills to facilitate your thinking a bit, will be able to help you enormously.

lots of people have said that your dh sounds like a rotter...but to be fair to him,he has needs too...and by trying to understand/see where he is coming from you may even feel less hurt by his behaviour.

i stumbled across a book called 'mating in captivity' and found it to be very thought provoking...it's very simple,just an introduction really, but it really helps get matters like 'sexual incompatibility' (my words)into some kind of perspective.

x

Maybe this is going against the grain of the thread, but I feel that what he actually did with the other woman isn't the most important issue. At the end of the day, we're talking about putting various body parts in various places, maybe using sex toys, special clothing, maybe doing a bit of bondage... Sorry to have to put this all bluntly, but Im trying to make the point that these are just various things at the end of the day. Surely it's feelings which count for more?

I'm not saying it will be easy to take him back, but I think it's the emotional side of things you need to focus on. I think you shouldnt beat yourself up worrying that he did particular things that you won;t do.

i wouldn't take him back unless you both agreed to go into counselling.

these issues won't go away on their own, and you two need a professional if you're going to make it work.

What expat said. It sounds like there are deep issues that you need to work through.

It sounds to me that you are going to find this really hard to move on from, and on top of the betrayal of the affair, it's going to be an uphill struggle. Sex is such a "brain" thing, that just thinking about your worries about what he's done elsewhere, even for a second, would probably be enough to kill any of your pleasure stone dead, and then you are back in the duty sex cycle.

To be perfectly honest, either it's time to throw in the towel, or do some serious work together in relationship counselling before you consider moving back in together and living as a couple again.

I know this sounds harsh, and it's just an outsider's perspective for what it's worth, but I think that giving this some serious realistic thought now will save a year or more of pain as you struggle to muddle through and it goes tits up anyway. If you can both put the time and commitment in for some therapy together, I reckon you've got a chance, and will at least be very prepared if it doesn't work. Trying to put this stuff to the back of your mind and attempt to "please" him in bed? Nope, never going to end well . Just my thoughts- I do sincerely hope it goes well for you and you feel happier, I really do x

I see expat got there in two sentences, I really need to get this pithy responding off better

if he's serious about getting back together, then he'll be serious about counselling AND working through the issue of what he got up to sexually with her, asking/demanding you for it and the like.

that all needs to be got out in the open and worked through if you two are going to have a chance at making it.

what expat and bitoffun said

sorry for what you are going through

Counselling. Both of you. Or else you're done for.

well he has just started seeing a counsellor for himself anyway - he has lots of issues from way back that need sorting.
Yeah, I need counselling too, and then together. If this has any chance of working, we both need to be willing to address those issues, and I also have to be strong enough to know that if they can't be fully addressed then it's time to throw in the towel.
But I cant even look at him at the moment - he disgusts me. Not so much WHAT he did, but that he did it with someone he left me for. That he is capable of his behvaiour over the past however long - the betrayal in so many different way. What can I do about that? Counsellig I suppose.
I feel really sad, as I had tried to make things work with him before and didnt want to give up. But I am close to doing so now, as the enormity of it is just unbearable.

i think you are in shock and grieving. for the relationship you had that's gone now. but you MAY be able to rebuild soemthing new , with time and lots of help and hard work. its got to be worth a try, esp if you have kids together