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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh had an affair and wants to come back. but he got up to all sorts sexually with her, and I dont know if I can handle that

66 replies

insecureandconfused · 15/11/2008 13:37

I am not a prude.But there are some things I wont do sexually. I like exciting, passionate sex with someone i deeply care about, but I am essentially inseure and am not up for 'dirty' sex iyswim.
In the time dh and I have been apart ( afew months now), I did not sleep with anyone else as I was essentially confused about loyalty to him.
I really did want him back.
But it has recently come up about some of the stuff he got up to with her. Things I would never do with him, and that he HAD asked me to do but I refused. He made me feel inadequate sexually, his sex drive was higher than mine to begin with but the constant persering and 'duty sex' is enough to bring anyones sexual self esteem down. And being asked to do stuff you wont do just fuels that.

I think I do still love him. But I dont know if I can work through this. I am disgusted with him, and feel like I can never meet his sexual needs. I am also very confused as to whether we would work, and whether I am prepared to put the work in. I would love nothing more than for us to be happily together for the long term, but I am just reeling from what I have found out.

Any advice? Can you get past such a betrayal?

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 15/11/2008 15:37

I dont really feel I have the right to judge anyones sexual behaviour. I draw the line at animals and children but apart from that I think it is up to them.

The issue here is not what he has done (unless it involved the above) but whether you are sexually compatible. Do you listen to each others needs and do you talk about doing different things? Do you try to do something new or do you not? All of these need a sexual health counsellor to tease through with you both. They will explore your differences and problems and work through your options.

As for the betrayal you did ask him and you were apart and personally I would chalk it up to experience. Starting again is hard and it needs not to be about going backwards but forwards.

WhirlingStirling · 15/11/2008 16:01

Oh No - It is like opening pandoras box - You really want to ask the questions but then dont know what to do with the answers when you get them. The problem now is that you have a visual image of your h with this ow, and that really hurts (I know )

I agree with others who suggest counselling. They will help you to deal with what has happened.

I still think that your h shouldn't have been so honest with his answers. It is like he is saying "you wouldn't do that but I found someone who would"

Good Luck - Hope that both of you can work this through

ToughDaddy · 15/11/2008 17:43

i agree with findtheriver , 2point4, BigTeuch and others that the sex itself isn't really the issue but whether or not he is intentionally trying to make you feel inadequate. Possible that he is trying to coerce you into having the sort of sex that he is claiming to have had with her. That might be insensitive but not necessarily systematic undermining of your confidence. You will know whether he is the sort to systematically undermine you. Either way best to sort out some relationship counselling before getting back together? What about a few dates together before re-committing.

Plenty of good advice on this thread.

unlikelyamazonian · 15/11/2008 19:30

TD Are you having another pointless evening?

I personally would never get over images of what he did (supposedly) with the OW. I would prefer to go to the next level of my sexual comfort zone with a new man.

I bet it's all a load of codswallop though to make him sound sexually god-like and to drive home to you that you feel shit.

You should shag the postman (and enjoy if you can iykwim..supplant neighbour or ex or stranger for postman) or pretend that you have (this will make his testicles shrink inside his tummy) and TELL him you shagged the postman.

If he doesn't beg forgiveness for being unfaithful and boasting about the various ways he was unfaithful, leave.

If he does, shag the postman/alternatives again.

And THEN leave.

CoteDAzur · 15/11/2008 19:39

What sort of sexual practices are we talking about here (which he did with OW but you would never do)?

unlikelyamazonian · 15/11/2008 19:46

CoteDAzure....I might learn something here...am watching..

I still bet he only did half of them though, and the boring normal half: if he was THAT sexually adventurous he would have given the OP an indication over time of what he wanted and given her the opportunity to go out and get a tuna mayo baguette?

Hope I dont get into trouble. I mean every word...

FFS, telling your dp how you have screwed another woman is just pathetic inujurious shit. Not very loving is it?

ToughDaddy · 15/11/2008 20:19

Unlikely- you are so perceptive.

CoteDAzur · 16/11/2008 08:40

So does anyone know yet which sexual practices disgust OP and are demanded by her H?

Did he ask her to pee on him or something?

asif · 16/11/2008 09:15

to be honset the op's man sounds like a scumbag

he slept with someone else, told her all the details and badgered her about her sleeping with someone else when they were apart for a few months

sleazy scumbag

be brave and get rid, a man like that won't change and you'll never meet a decent man if you stick with him

asif · 16/11/2008 09:16

who cares cote?

BrainyBrian · 16/11/2008 09:23

It may be bullshit.

My oh told me he had done all sorts with another female, mind games.

Couple councelling if you have children together. If no children I would walk. Or run.

CoteDAzur · 16/11/2008 09:26

To be fair, he slept with this woman when they were "apart" for a few months and only spilled details of what they did when OP asked. Hardly deserves to be called a "scumbag" for that.

CoteDAzur · 16/11/2008 09:30

What do you mean "who cares"? All those on this thread, I assume.

At this point, we have no idea what we are talking about. It is one thing if it is oral sex OP finds disgusting and will never do, it is another thing entirely different if OP's husband wants her do take a dump on the bed as foreplay.

Kally · 16/11/2008 10:30

Agree with CoteDAur, there is importance about WHAT she regards as discusting. Some women do have barriers about what they think is 'normal'. Either way she is out of her comfort zone with these things but (depending on what they are) we can't judge this and all she may need (and him) is a bit of proper sexual counceling. It may be fixable. We don't know the details of what he expects, that she considers weird.

So many backgrounds and upbringings and degrees of what is acceptable and what is not. Big grey areas... who knows?

solidgoldbrass · 16/11/2008 10:41

It sounds to me like the OP and her DH are sexually thoroughly incompatible. It's not about him being a beast or her being a prude, it's about them wanting very different things. Counselling might be able to help them find some common ground but it doesn't sound that hopeful to me - if you find someone's sexual tastes shocking and disgusting, you're going to have a job feeling turned on by them (I have no idea what the bloke wants and don't care).

Kally · 16/11/2008 10:52

But solidgoldbrass don't you think that sometimes a person's conditioning can make them fear/shrink away at all sorts of things, but then be coaxed/coached that it's ok, and actually enjoy it? There is no end to learning and enjoying, especially in the bedroom or wherevever sex goes on.
Admittedly he didn't deal with it at all well and went of elsewhere then came back and undermined her confidence even further (to me that is more of a character/problem between him/them) but who knows what the original problem was, it might have been over something so minor and could have been simply sorted.
Reason I am saying this is compared to how I myself have changed with regard to sexual maturity over the years (sounding like a dirty ol' woman now)... I, as me, have matured sexually, but it took time.
I often think about myself what I get up to today and enjoy, well, I wouldn't have tried in early years of my marriage due to naivety and conditioning and pre conceived ideas...

AnnasBananas · 16/11/2008 11:13

Insecureandconfused have you explored the reasons (either together or alone) why this affair started in the first place?? Have you come to terms with why this all started and forgiven him for that? Whose decision was it to split?

I agree that H didn't need to reveal all, but she did ask so really he was just being honest, can't blame him for that, can we? Hearing it was always going to hurt, unfortunately. But it does seems a bit like he's had his 'trial' of a relationship with the OW now has decided that the grass is greener and wants to come back.

Not sure if this is fixable, but you would need professional help for sure. Counselling and the like. There seem to be lots of threads about sexual incompatability, not just from women but men too.

Sorry you are going through this, it is awful
((((hugs))))

Squitten · 16/11/2008 12:06

The sex stuff isn't important - as long as it wasn't really horrid (agree with glitterfairy with the no animals or kids!!), then it's irrelevant. Wanting different things sexually from you doesn't make him a bad person and it doesn't sound like he "forced" the info on you - you did ask him.

The issue is that firstly, he had an affair at all, and secondly, that you don't seem to be sexually compatible.

You both need to sit down with a counsellor and try to work out the issues that underlie all of this. If you're going to stay with him, you need to build back basic trust first before you tackle any of these other issues.

Original poster
insecureandconfused · 16/11/2008 12:45

thans for all of your advice and comments
It wasnt what he did that I found disgusting, but the fact that not only did he leave me for someone else, but that he did things with her I wouldnt do. the total betrayal is what I find disgusting - the betrayal of the affair has been made worse by the knowledge of what he dd in the affair.
as whirling said - it is like a pandoras box cos you want to know, but dont know what to do with that information when you have it

I have talked to him. He is extremely sorry and is being very sensitive and understanding about how I reacted. He did only tell me because I asked, and he is now saying it wasnt how I think, he didnt enjoy it, he wouldnt want to do it again. Now I dont believe this for a moment, but I think shows he is not trying to make me feel worse / make me feel I would have to do it if I were to have him back. We definietly need sx counselling though, but that will come in time.
And it wasnt anything totally disgusting. Just something I would never do. As katiemorag says - it is the shock and the grief that is hard, not what he may or may not want to do in the bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
insecureandconfused · 16/11/2008 12:45

I guess that perhaps we can rebuild this, but as well as his counselling, I need more counselling, and we both need to go to a sex counsellor to thrash out those issues that were there beforehand, and will still bethere if not confrnted...

OP posts:
Dior · 16/11/2008 19:14

Message withdrawn

CoteDAzur · 16/11/2008 19:37

I would agree with Dior, but it's hard to say without knowing what sexual practices we are talking about.

Then again, if OP can't even mention the name of the sexual act to faceless strangers on the internet while hiding behind an anonymous nickname, she is probably not about to give it a go anytime soon.

KristinaM · 18/11/2008 14:21

Maybe's she's just not mentioning it because she doesn't think its the main issues? I am surprised at the number of posters who seem to want all the details

Its not a voting system you know. Where she will post " he wanted to do X and Y" and we will all post whether or not in our opinion that is reasonable. So then she will try it and everything in their marriage will be fixed .

I find your interest in it a bit prurient TBH

WilyWombat · 18/11/2008 14:29

Of course she is within her rights not to say what "it" is but if its something innoccuous (sp) like oral then thats get overable isnt it. If its dogging, swinging or he likes to dress in a tutu while she whips him with a kipper...then possibly not so easy to resolve?

CoteDAzur · 18/11/2008 14:48

If a certain unnamed sexual practice that the husband would like to do but OP finds disgusting is not the "main issue" of this thread, pray tell, what is?

Exactly as WilliWombat said.