dh had an affair and wants to come back. but he got up to all sorts sexually with her, and I dont know if I can handle that

[insecureandconfused]

I am not a prude.But there are some things I wont do sexually. I like exciting, passionate sex with someone i deeply care about, but I am essentially inseure and am not up for 'dirty' sex iyswim.
In the time dh and I have been apart ( afew months now), I did not sleep with anyone else as I was essentially confused about loyalty to him.
I really did want him back.
But it has recently come up about some of the stuff he got up to with her. Things I would never do with him, and that he HAD asked me to do but I refused. He made me feel inadequate sexually, his sex drive was higher than mine to begin with but the constant persering and 'duty sex' is enough to bring anyones sexual self esteem down. And being asked to do stuff you wont do just fuels that.

I think I do still love him. But I dont know if I can work through this. I am disgusted with him, and feel like I can never meet his sexual needs. I am also very confused as to whether we would work, and whether I am prepared to put the work in. I would love nothing more than for us to be happily together for the long term, but I am just reeling from what I have found out.

Any advice? Can you get past such a betrayal?

I don't think it is the main issue. I didn't come onto this thread to find out what sexual practice she wouldn't do.

The main issue is that her dh has cheated on her, several times. Yet she wants him back and somehow feels that it's her fault anyway.

If he has so little respect for you that he has to shag some tart who'll do whatever he asks, then he's not worth it. You deserve respect. If my dh asked for a blow job, I wouldn't give him one. If he then went out and got someone else to give him one, I'd rip his bloody testicles out.

This has NOTHING to do with what he wanted you to do. It has EVERYTHING to do with his unfaithfulness.

Has he even apologised?

Get yourself some bloody respect woman! If he can't keep his dick in his pants, that's not your fault. He's a penishead.

Good for you for saying no to his demands. Now find someone who will respect you.

A good relationship is about compromise. If there is no compromise then there is no relationship.

oh the stupid man. Why didn't he just lie or keep his mouth shut. Somethings we really don;t need to know.

Did you ask or insist on this in fo fromhim? If he just offered it up I'd tell him to 'f off - is he on a mission to make you feel terrible? If it was you well you learnt a lesson about curiosoty I suppose. You have my sympathies but I really don;t know how you could get past this easily, if ever. It will take a huge amount of time and commintment from you boith though. Has any one suggested couselling. Not read the whole thread sorry. That might be the best way to go - couple counselling.

oh I second Brainyt Brian

"Couple councelling if you have children together. If no children I would walk. Or run."

Good advice

Im with you Rhubarb...im quite fiesty and if someone felt I had to change to be right for them then theyd be out the door, but not everyone is like that.

I feel no need to know what he did but still if she is considering staying with him then the level of sexual difference between them is relevant isnt it.

at tutu and a kipper.

Oh WilyWombat that is hilarious 'dress in a tutu/slap with a kipper'!!!! {grin] that made me spit my tea all over the place!

I think perhaps you are using the things he did with the OW as more of a focus than they need to be - the betrayal of him leaving you for another woman would be bad enough by itself.

Did he leave you BECAUSE you wouldn't try these things and he specifically wanted to, and had to find someone else to do it because you wouldn't? or did he just take the opportunity to try them with someone else because he had left you ANYWAY for other reasons?

If the former, I would be worried he would go off again to do them again when he got bored; if the latter then I think the things he got up to are a bit of a smoke screen.

I'm not quite sure I'm being very clear here, but I just get the impression that your being bothered by the things he did is more of a "surface" thing, covering much deeper anxieties and distress over the fact he left you in the first place. (did he? or was it a mutual split?)

yeah, and what Rhubarb said.

They were apart during this affair with OW so it's hardly 'cheating'. Am I missing something?

thumbwitch I think you are right. the sex stuff is a bit of a smokescreen. I suppose essentially we were apart and he took advantage to do whatever with her.
And no I am not going to tell you all what it was. And is not something innocous like a blowjob. And no, I am not going to do it as it is outside of my comfort zone.

I did ask him whether he did this, and I suppose he was trying to be honest etc, but in the end I really didnt want to know, did I. But I did ask, and I got an answer I didnt like. And for the record, I know it isnt my fault, I just wonder if people DO get over this sort of thing, and how. Especially the sex bit.

Really this is about whether or not I can get over his betrayal. All the sex stuff is just another layer to that betrayal.

He did the thing we see so often on here - running off with another woman. He is now very sorry, and is really trying to work things out between us. But I dont know if I can get over it, particularly not now I know the details. And I wonder if our sexual needs / desires are too different to make things work.

I'm sorry, but in my book he was still cheating even though you were apart. He was still your husband and you were still his wife. Presumably this was the same OW that he started the original affair with (or am I getting the wrong end of the stick here?)

How is he going about repairing the break in trust and the hurt that HE has caused? He must accept the responsibility for what HE has done, don't shift the blame onto yourself and your own sexual issues.

I can't really advise about the mis-match in sexual needs and whether or not this is a key issue. I am sure a trained sexual counsellor would be able to get to the heart of the problem. But my instinct is to say that marriage is about compromising on many levels, so I don't see why you should have to meet his sexual needs EXACTLY in the same way he may not meet your exact expectations in regards to sharing chores/childcare/home responsibilities etc. Surely you could meet in the middle somewhere?

If he doesn't think so, I would doubt your future happiness together.

yes, of course he was cheating! he was still with the woman he left me for!
I dont blame myself for anything. obviously the marriage breakdown that led to the affair is something I was involved in too, but it was his choice, not mine. So it is his responsibility.

But can you get over such a betrayal? How can I feel like he wants me sexually as I am, as I dont offer what she did? He took the opportunity to do something I would definitely not do. How can I feel like I fulfill him sexually after this?

IAC: while it doesn't matter exactly what the contentious sexual act is, what matter is the importance that both you and your DH attach to it. It's obviously something important enough to him for it to have been a factor in the original marriage breakdown - equally, it's important enough to you to avoid doing it that you were not prepared to compromise on it. This is not to blame either of you, merely to point out that this suggests a basic and major incompatibility between you: the only likely way to resolve it would be for you to accept him getting that particular need met elsewhere. I am not saying that you should accept it, or that you are wrong for not doing so, more that if two people can't reach that level of compromise then they are really not ever going to be happy together.

as someone on th eother side. ie, the one with the higher sex drive. and disregardgin the entire affair part, which is a huge stumbling block. i just want to say that being with someone who doesnt want to share something with you, that youa re not allowed to share with anyone else is the most awful thing. in a sense, i feel that the person with the less sex drive is betraying the person with the higher sex drive. why do they have to be banned from doing something they obviously really really want,for the lrest of their lives?

insecureetc. he needs to make an effort here to show you that you are all he needs. I think you said somewhere that, having tried it, he didnt like it after all, so maybe he has got his schoolboy fantasy out of his system now.

But it is up to HIM to do the running here. You are still his wife, you are the same person essentially, YOU do not need to change if he wants you back.

in the end, he can't make you feel secure and that you fulfil him sexually, ultimately that is down to you, but he can certainly do his best to show you that you do! And to show appreciation of you as you are.

There is only this one thing that you don't offer him, what about all the other things you can/do offer him? Your shared history and love and commitment for him?

I don't mean to belittle your anxiety about this issue, I can feel how distressed you are. I think the key issue is your relationship up to the point of the affair starting and what went wrong.

I'm sorry but I don't know 'how to' get over this. If it were me I don't think I could.