Why am I doing this?

[boredhousewife]

Please excuse me if I ramble a bit here, I've got nobody that I feel I can talk to about this, so am using you lot to offload.

A couple of weeks ago at work, a male colleague emailed me (about a work matter). I replied, and it turned into a series of chatty emails. As time has gone on, they have become more and more flirtatious - he has made it clear that he finds me attractive, and we share the same sort of sense of humour. Over the last 2 weeks, I have sent him 81 emails, and he has sent me around the same amount. We have hardly spoken a word to each other, and act as though we are more or less strangers when we encounter each other in person - no-one has any idea (except perhaps for the IT department ) that we know each other more than vaguely.

Over the weekend, I have found myself thinking about him more and more. I couldn't wait to get to work this morning to see him. It's so exciting catching each other's eye across the office, and making (what seem to other people) random comments that actually refer to the contents of our emails.

Neither of us have said in so many words that we want it to go any further, but it has been hinted at, and lunch on Wednesday has been suggested (by me ). He said he didn't want people to gossip - I say that people are more likely to gossip if we sneak around than if we act normal.

I am happily married with 2 children (have never thought of myself as anything but, and have never imagined straying before), he is in a relationship. I know this is complete madness; half of me says we should end it (not least before we get in trouble for spending all our time emailing each other), the other half is really enjoying the excitement and the flattery of someone (and he's about 7 or 8 years younger than me) finding me attractive (not that dh doesn't - in fact he is always complimenting me). I'm not really asking for advice as such - I know what any sane person will tell me - but just wanted to "tell" someone, and get your thoughts.

I would prefer it if you didn't all jump on me like a ton of bricks, but if that's the way you feel, I guess I deserve it.

I've been where you are, though in my case it was when I was engaged, not married. Similar thing in that the guy and I didn't talk much in the office, but cld see each other from across the office, and emailed constantly.

Work drinks (quite frequent) were a hugely exciting flirtation. Like you, I thought "I'm in control, I can keep this in hand". But I got obsessed with it and thought about ways to be alone with him all the time. Eventually we were alone together, and of course ended up all over each other in 2 seconds flat.

The story, I'm sad to say, doesn't end there, as i put all this down to pre-wedding nerves and got married anyway. Changed job round the same time so work wasn't too awkward. Stayed in touch, casually by text with this chap but didn't see him.

Be honest with yourself. You know perfectly well that if you get the chance, you will kiss/touch/jump into bed with this chap. However good it feels at the time, it will not be worth the pain caused later.

The email/text/constant thoughts scenario is a fantasy. He doesn't know you, and you don't know him. That is exciting, but perhaps if you look deep down, you can rekindle more excitement in your marriage?

Not judging, just saying, be honest. Take responsibility. Don't let yourself get carried along by something which could be so destructive.

Well, why ARE you doing this? for attention, cos you're bored? It makes me tbh. I am struggling with my relationship and would give anything to be where you are now. But even in the depths of the deep I wouldn't mess around for kicks.

been there, seen it, done it - and my advice STOP NOW!!
You are only continuing because you want to!! - only you can stop it.
You will get very hurt and it will damage your marraige irrevokably (sp!!)even if only on the inside.

you obviously want to do it, are going to do it, so go ahead. Put your own needs above that of your husband and children ..... who cares .... you obviously don't.

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just gotta add there actually - have u thought everytime u want to email this bloke, email DH instead, or text? send suggestive text's to DH, I never realieed how much I could hurt DH until he broke down in front of me and said 'why me, what did I do to you that was so bad'. so I'm going to say it to u, what has ur DH done to u that's so bad? I realised DH had done nothing to me, our relationship became a bit 'dull' it took a while but things got on track and we ended up married, we're v happily married at that, it's made me value him all the more as well.

good luck.

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Oh dear....

Today it went one step further. He texted me, and it was very explicit (and very exciting). We were texting back and fore all afternoon. What a thrill.

But now, on reflection, and after reading all your eminently sensible messages, I am starting to see that this can't go anywhere good. The excitement of it all has been so overwhelming, that I've been pushing away all the "what ifs". As I was driving home today, with the texts still on my phone, I thought "what if I had an accident and died, and dh read those messages?" What an absolutely selfish thing to do.

I am determined that tomorrow I will tell him it can't carry on. Hopefully it's not gone so far that we can't continue to work in the same office without bad feelings. Of course, now I can see that I've put myself in a precarious position. He doesn't seem the type to tell all his mates for a laugh (and he hasn't got any close mates at work anyway), but he might have been (and still could be, of course).

I think the advice to try and turn the urge for excitement towards dh is very wise. I've never sent him the kind of texts I was sending today . If I did, I know it would be like a dream come true for him. It's just that sometimes life gets between us, and it just seems "silly" to do things like that.

Thanks to you all for not holding back. Sorry if this is a bit rambly - just trying to sort my thoughts out, really.

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Can't text him now, he will be with his girlfriend - it will not help causing him trouble in his relationship. I promise I'm not just saying "tomorrow..." (which never comes)

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What I'm going to say...I think I'm going to try to talk to him face to face - I really don't want any bad feeling (damage limitation), and it's hard to explain things well in text / emails. However, I know this could be risky - although it's not like we'd be able to fall on each other in work.

However I do it, I'm going to say something like "it was fun, exciting, flattering, but reality has kicked in, and it's just not realistic to carry on. It's not going anywhere good, I love my husband, and can't imagine how much this would hurt him. And I don't want to do that."

did you tell him it had to stop and how did he take it.How are you?

how did things go telling him?

i hope you deleted your texts

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OK, only got 2 minutes, I did it and I feel a lot better. We had a discreet meeting in the local bus station (classy) where I said more or less what I had planned. He was fine about it - I think he was trying to play it a bit cool by saying "yes, no problem, it was only a bit of fun".

Anyway, now I feel a lot better - although there is still a little tiny bit of me that is going to miss the excitement. I will try to direct that towards dh and our 10th anniversary celebrations which are imminent.

Thanks all for listening and putting me straight.

Happy anniversary

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Well done......now just concentrate on your relationship with dh.
Start by sending him the odd txt....tell him you love him.....gradually build up to some risque ones.....my hubby loves to get the odd txt from me when he is bogged down at work.....makes him smile....especially the rude ones!!!!!
Make sure you and dh spend some quality time with each other and I dont mean sat infront of the tv together.....turn it off....put on some background music...open a bottle of wine and talk to each other.
We all get dragged along with married life....the hardest thing to do is keep the feelings you had when you first met....you still have those feelings, you just have to find them and hold onto them, share and savour them.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Have just read all of this better than a magazine!You have definitely done the right thing everyone gets flattered now and again but real love is worth hanging on to

Just to reassure all you worry worts, I have deleted all emails and texts. I wouldn't be surprised if the volume of emails (got to around 120ish in the end) doesn't get raised in my next 1-1 with my manager. But I have an exemplary work record, so hopefully it won't go further than a quiet word.

Now my phone's dictionary has some new words , I will be texting dh - think it's a great idea to build up to it. He's not very good with predictive texting lol, this might make him learn

Started as I mean to go on, and fulfilled one of dh's fantasies last night. Won't go into it, (tmi), but it was good

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hey boredhousewife, just thought id see how u r. xxx