Why am I doing this?

[boredhousewife]

Please excuse me if I ramble a bit here, I've got nobody that I feel I can talk to about this, so am using you lot to offload.

A couple of weeks ago at work, a male colleague emailed me (about a work matter). I replied, and it turned into a series of chatty emails. As time has gone on, they have become more and more flirtatious - he has made it clear that he finds me attractive, and we share the same sort of sense of humour. Over the last 2 weeks, I have sent him 81 emails, and he has sent me around the same amount. We have hardly spoken a word to each other, and act as though we are more or less strangers when we encounter each other in person - no-one has any idea (except perhaps for the IT department ) that we know each other more than vaguely.

Over the weekend, I have found myself thinking about him more and more. I couldn't wait to get to work this morning to see him. It's so exciting catching each other's eye across the office, and making (what seem to other people) random comments that actually refer to the contents of our emails.

Neither of us have said in so many words that we want it to go any further, but it has been hinted at, and lunch on Wednesday has been suggested (by me ). He said he didn't want people to gossip - I say that people are more likely to gossip if we sneak around than if we act normal.

I am happily married with 2 children (have never thought of myself as anything but, and have never imagined straying before), he is in a relationship. I know this is complete madness; half of me says we should end it (not least before we get in trouble for spending all our time emailing each other), the other half is really enjoying the excitement and the flattery of someone (and he's about 7 or 8 years younger than me) finding me attractive (not that dh doesn't - in fact he is always complimenting me). I'm not really asking for advice as such - I know what any sane person will tell me - but just wanted to "tell" someone, and get your thoughts.

I would prefer it if you didn't all jump on me like a ton of bricks, but if that's the way you feel, I guess I deserve it.

how would you feel if it was the other way round - dh flirting with and office girl, however innocently? imagen how you'd react when you found out. juicy gossip has a way of getting around.

how is your relationship with dh? are you happy?

I can imagine that a face-to-face meeting (ie lunch) could possibly be excrutiatingly embarrasing. Which may be a good reason to do it. Of course, that may not be what happens, and things could get a lot worse

i think its best you dont risk it. honest to god, i do not wish what ive been through for the past month on anyone.

I've been trying to imagine how I'd feel about dh doing the same thing. I just can't imagine it.

I seriously think I've had some sort of hormonal overdose this month - am trying to aim it towards dh, but life is busy, he's out and about, so am I.

We are going away together without children in a couple of months, to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. Why would I put that in jeopardy?

My bil almost lost his wife and kids over something similar to this, please stop this NOW even if it means looking for another job.

I can think of a ton of good reasons not to go for lunch, bh. Not many pros.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Use your head. Let it rule your heart if you don't want to end up with your heart broken.

And how do you fancy, a few months down the line, explaining to your children why daddy doesn't want to live with mummy any more?

Please stop now.

i got into a situation a bit like this a while ago but id never actually met him. He was talking about meeting up etc so i wrote my list. Saw how much i had to lose and immediatly emailed him a simple non-explanitary message
"I dont think its appropriate for a married woman like myself to be exchanging messages with another man. Please dont email me back"
Then deleted his address and blocked him from mailing me.

You have to see him every day though

My head is telling me to let it go now. My heart (or hormones) is saying "it'll fade away in time anyway, enjoy it while you can".

I have to go to bed now. One thing's for sure. I bet he wouldn't guess in a million years that I've been asking my virtual friends for advice on what to do.

ive learnt over the past month, you should listen to your head, not your heart. your head is more reasonable and rational. if i listened to my heart, id be crawling back to xdp now, and i know id regret it for the rest of my life. try and not to email this guy when you go to work next. if you keep emailing him, you're just going to get yourself confused. xxx

When your heart is right about something, your head normally agrees with it, I've found!

oh i like that advice anorak

thanks for all the advice, by the way. It's the sort of thing my rl friends / family would say (of course), but then I would have to deal with the aftermath of them knowing that I'd been behaving like this. They all know and love dh, and see him for the wonderful person he is. If it came to people taking sides, I know they would not be rushing to mine. And rightly so.

Please Please Please say you are going to put an end to this before its too late.

Just read your post in the Are you still madly in love with dp? thread. Think you should read what you wrote again. Sounds like you have a great guy and great children.

It is soooooo tempting I know but I am 90% sure it is something you could come to regret if you let it go on. The kind of attention and initial rush you get from a new relationship is so fleeting. Real life comes all too soon.

That said, however, you will never get I told you sos from me so if you decide to throw caution to the wind, don't ever feel you can't post about it whatever may come to pass. I wish you luck whichever road you take.

Agree with you about the date thing btw, feels so silly with someone you know so well.

Couldn't you send 81 e-mails to your dh?

What if you logged on to your husbands computer and he'd sent 81 emails to a work colleague during the past fortnight, I know how I'd feel.

Focus on your 10 year wedding anniversary. If you focus on the other guy, you may not reach it.....

I think if you meet him for lunch alone one of two things will happen. You will realise you have no real attraction to him, and things will stop, or you will end up having an affair with him. Before you meet him you must think long and hard about what the consequences of it could be.

Good luck

Well, doesn't look like lunch is going to happen, but I now have his mobile number, and have sent him a couple of texts.

I can hear what you're all saying, and if I was reading this written by someone else I would be saying the same thing. But I don't want to stop.

I've had some really shitty times at work over the last year, and this has made me look forward to being there. Although I am a bit nervous about the number of emails, and we are trying to stop, as there was a general reminder sent around the company this week about email and internet abuse. Hence he has given me his mobile number.

I know I can't justify this, so I'm not going to try.

No judgements from me. Wish you luck whatever. Keep posting if it helps.

someone i know has just been found out (4 mth affair) via text messages. solicitor another friend went to see re: divorce says she sees someone every day who finds out in this way. be very careful.

well as some one who's been there and done it - literally whole affair and all, all I can say is DON'T DO IT!!!!!! work on your relationship with you're DH

I nearly lost mine because of it (b4 we were married) would never risk it all again like that.

my sis just found out before xmas that her hubby of six years has been having an affair with a woman at work,he left her and they are now getting divorced.she is absolutely devastateded,the worst thing for her was the lies and the deceit.

Please think long and hard before you go any further,dont let your head be turned by compliments and flattery and what ifs.you say that you are happily married so please try to spend quality time with your dh,you dont want to lose your dh so end this before he finds out.

and if you're texting now rather than emailing, theres more of a chance of your dh finding out

Message withdrawn

I have changed my name for this post because far to many people here will know me.

I have been "friends" with a male meber of a forum I was very very active on.....not this one.
We have lots in common and I am friends with both him and his dear wife.
They have been a massive support to me over the past year.
Just before christmas my "friend" suffered a nervous breakdown due to problems with his son.
This obviously meant he was not at work during the day and when I visited the site he would be floating around. We would bump into each other.
One day we went onto the chatroom on the site and had a natter.He was at a loose end and I had a few minutes to spare. We chatted away and had a good giggle about life in general.
Over the weeks we would meet up and continue our chats. Then he would email me direct.
Because of the nature of the site a meet up was arranged so off i toddled with my family in tow to met up with all my cyber buddies. It was so lovely to put faces to the people I have spoken with on a regular basis.
My "friend" and his wife were there and we got on like a house on fire.
When I returned home from my weekend away the chats continued, but they seemed different.
The "my wife doesnt understand me" chat began.
I am extremely happily married and have the two most beautiful children, but we have had some rough times so I could sympathise with what was being said.I offered my support and it was greatly received.
The site I visist plays a very important part of my life.It is the only place I can go to where everyone understands the problems that I have to deal with on a day to day basis.
My "friend" is one of the team that runs the site, but then so is his wife.
A few weeks ago I needed some help with an important letter that I had to write. Because of his job he was able to offer me some advice and suggested he helped me with my letter.
I thought his wife knew we were in communication. I just presumed he had told her. He hadnt. She found out and all hell has let loose.
There was absolutely no meaning behind any of my mails to him apart from support and friendship. Some of his mails had been a bit heavy and I just ignored the OTT comments and told him not to be silly he had a lovely wife and should be working on his relationship.
Because of the way his wife found out about the content of his emails and the hurt it has caused, because he was being decietful, I have decided to leave the site.
I can not allow myself to be the cause of someones elses sorrow.
It has broken my heart to have to leave my other friends at the site. These are people who know so much about my family and I. These are people I adore. The friends I have at the site have helped and supported me more than memebers of my own family, yet I have only met a handful of them face to face. I have been deeply upset and have shed many tears about making the decission to leave the site, but I just dont want to inflict any pain or hurt on anyone.

So what I think I am trying to say is can you imagine how much pain you would inflict on your dear family if this relationship continued and developed into an affair. Yes it might be flattering to be getting attention from someone else, but is it worth all that you could loose?

I have been so upset at having to say goodbye to people I dont even know in the real world. How upset would you be if you knew you could end up having to say goodbye to your family.

Plese think very carefully about what you are doing. You have far far too much at stake.