Husband is leaving / has left.

[Marriedtoolong]

I am in need of some advice please.

Have been married for 30 years. Been together since we were teenagers. Have one child (12) who was the result of much trying and was much wanted by both of us.

Have recently found that my husband (no divorce proceedings started by either of us) has another child born at the start of 2008. We were still 'together' at the time of this childs birth.

He now tells me he wants to be with the other woman and the child and he wants them to live as a family in our house. He expects me to move out to a smaller property. He says I am not to expect maintenence as I work (I always have to help us as a family)

Please tell me what I have to do to not move out of my house. He expects to move the OW in, plus the new child and have my son live with them. I cannot bear the thought.

He says that a court will look at the cold hard facts but surely they will take into consideration the life of a teenage boy. Surely, please tell me they will.

My son has never met this OW or the child though I try my best to make him understand they are his family, he (IMHO, undeerstandly) is angry.

Am lost.

mtl - so sorry to hear this, you must still be in shock.

Please listen to the advice given, I know of too many people who at the moment of separation go - I don't care any more have it all... and then live to regret it. You deserve to be where you are in you and your sons home, he lost that right morally.

thinking of you x

Really sorry you are having to put up with this.

I find your DH's suggestions deeply offensive.

Either he knows that they are entirely unaccptable and take advantage of you(devious, malicious and manipulative) or he genuinely thinks that they reasonable options (greedy, selfish and stupid).

When you take all the papers etc to the solicitor (YOU ARE GOING TO A SOLICITOR< AREN'T yYOU?), please take as much information about his pension as well. People always forget pensions and pension splitting in these situations, but actually for many people (more going forward) the pension asset is greater in value than the house.

Agree - be calm and cool and get legal advice. you need to be logical and sensible not emotional for the sake of your son. he is only 12 and it will be many years yet before he is finished his education and supporting himself

do not sign anything or agree to anything with your husband. best if you can avoid discussing anything except matters related to your Ds, access etc. You need expert advice

OMG, how dare he?
Its your family home, you and your son entutled to live in there.
Go and ask lawyers. Get help and advice. Dont let him hurt you. He is unfaithful husband

OMG, have only just seen this.
What a complete f*ing dickhead. I don't normally voice my opinions this strongly but he really is a twat. Does he SERIOUSLY expect you to just move out after 30 years of marriage?
I'm also a family lawyer and totally agree with MrsPickles and Cashncarry. DO NOT MOVE OUT and DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING! Of course he has to support you and DS. It is a long marriage and therefore you potentially have a claim for spousal maintenance (depending upon yours and his income) and also, perhaps a Pension Sharing Order if you have no pension provision of your own.
Just curious, where does he expect you to live if you move out?
You say that he is living with the OW, well then, he is re-housed and has no immediate housing needs. You should stay put in the house and he can have his share of the equity at a later date, ie when your son is 16/17/leaves full time education. However, as you have a 4 bedroom house he could argue that you are over-housed and only require a 2 or 3 bedroom house so it is possible that a Court may make an Order for sale of the matrimonial home and that the proceeds of sale should be used to buy an alternative property for you and your son. Any surplus equity could then go to your ex(DH) and there could be a balancing act calculation done to take into account any imbalance of the division of assets. (ie fair division of equity as you may need the lionshare to rehouse you now, pensions, savings etc).
As said above my numerous very sensible posters, you need to see a family lawyer ASAP and I would assume, you will want to get a divorce underway on the basis of his adultery. Good luck to you and don't take any shit from him.

obviously meant 'by' not 'my' in penultimate line. Its too early!

OH MY GOD - have just seen your post, sorry ahven't read all the posts however am sure you have got some fab advice. Mine is do not given up your house, you must get legal advice now. Please do not let him tell you what will happen how does he know?????? He's says what he wants and trying to tell yu this is what will happen please call someone and see them today.

and a big hug to you []]

Good grief - outrageous! How are you not absolutely enraged?? If it was me, he would be told exactly where he can stick his new family...

Do NOT leave your house or listen to any of his crap - he's trying to bully you. You should absolutely have some legal advice so that you know exactly where you stand. You are entitled to 50% of what that house is worth so make him sell it if it comes to that. He will have to pay maintenance for your son until he's 16, I think.

Call a solicitor immediately

Have nothing to add except in my limited experience he may well try to come back at some stage. If he is capable of switching his affections so easily he may well want to come back when the novelty wears off on his new family.

Best of luck to you

My instinct is that he has already sought legal advice and he knows that doesn't have a leg to stand on. He is trying to bully whilst you are still vulnerable. Tell him to fuck off.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

Get legal advice NOW.

Do not let him win.

We do not live in the Victorian Era, you absolutely have legal rights.

Thankyou all for your messages. I am feeling lost right now, I feel too bewildered hurt and confused to be angry right now. It will come, I am sure, but now I am simply sad.

My husband wants to buy me out of our house, then wants me to buy a small 2 bed place so that he can move his girlfriend and baby into our house. I feel at the thought of this.

Why should he get to live in our gorgeous home, that I have spent so long creating, decorating, cleaning. And I feel cheated that because I was trying to be the best wife and mother I could be, I went back to work to help support us, even though I continued to do the lion share of domestic work.

He moved out. Why can he not just stay with his girlfriend and let me stay here.

Mostly, though, I am worried about our son. I can't understand how he is to come to terms with having to move home, only to have his dad and new girlfriend move into his old house and tell he should be pleased because he can have his bedroom 'as it always was'. That is what my husband said to me. How can it be as it was when our son's parents are to be divorced, his father has a new girlfriend and there is a baby.

It's akin to taking a beloved pet dog, shooting it and then telling the child they can have it's body and no understanding they would be upset. Sorry, that is probably a terrible example but it sums up how I feel so very well.

How am I supposed to respect my husband and teach my son to respect his father when he has treated us both in such a terrible terrible manner?

Feel so sad for you, mtl. What a dreadful ting to happen and what a horrible man he sounds.

DO NOT let him bully you! Please get legal advice. He can not throw you out of a house that you own 50% of.

Stay strong.

Have you contacted a solicitor?

Please do. He's hoping to bully/frighten you into doing something quickly against your interests.

BTW has your son spoken to his father about how he feels?

MTL, it is not going to happen (him buying you out, moving into the matrimonial home and you getting a 2 bed hovel). The only place it will happen is in his dreams.
Get a valuation of the house now (don't tell the estate agents that there may be a divorce or they will try to charge for it, cheeky buggers). As you've been married 30 years assume either no mortgage or a very small one? He will have to give you at least 50% of the value of the house, possibly more depending on other factors. If he can afford to come up with that amount now, he can afford to buy somewhere smaller and cheaper himself. Long term, there is a chance that you may have to leave the house as he will no doubt argue that you don't need a 4 bed property for you and your son. However, your argument will also be he doesn't need a 4 bed house so ultimately the house will possibly/probably be sold.
Do you have a pension? If not (or if you have a small one) you will be entitled to a share of his, possibly 50% as a long marriage. He is a dickhead and clearly hasn't thought this through (he appears to be thinking with something other than his brain). You MUST NOT be bullied and pressurised into anything. You are in the house now and you should stay put. Take advantage of the fact he isn't there to go through all your papers and collate everything you will need for a solicitor when the time comes. Look for any papers you can find in relation to his income, pay slips/P60 etc and very importantly, anything to do with his pension and any other savings etc. Gather as much as you can, copy it and keep it somewhere safe. You will need this in the future. x

have you phoned a solicitor?

MTL, my heart goes out to you and I have no advice to add to the already excellent and wise posts you have seen.

I can understand/relate to the feeling of bewilderment and confusion that you are experiencing. I imagine that you are in the very beginning stages of grief. However, you may not have the luxury of time to come to terms with your feelings as clearly your vile (sorry) ex is being extremely opportunistic and mercenary at your expense.

If it helps, perhaps think of channeling anger on behalf of your son in order to mobilize you into action. Do what's right and do it for him...it will ultimately help you. He will see you as stronger for it and that may help him cope with what's happening. And I reiterate what the others have said, you need someone to help fight in your corner. Please seek help and support as soon as you can. I wish you all the best.

Bloody hell what a complete bastard.

I think you shouldn't even speak to him about anything to do with the house or finances - shoot him the good old 'You will hear from my solicitor regarding all financial arrangements' line and do not move out.

Go and see a solicitor as soon as you can who specialises in family law.

I understand how devastated and confused you must be feeling, but right now you NEED to be practical for you and your son.

Please get a solicitor NOW, before it is too late.

There has been alot of good advice, especially from lawyers, on this thread.

This isnt a criticism, as I cant imagine the shock this is for you, but it does seem that you are still hoping that if you do nothing and tell no-one, the whole situation will go away.

That will not happen. You need to get a lawyer and start to tell people, so you can get some support from friends and family. Your ds needs to be able to talk about it too - maybe to friends or teachers at school, as he may not want to burden (as he might see it)you with how he feels about his dad.

Your husband also needs to know that you know your rights. I suspect when he knows you have proper legal advice and are making plans for the future, he will stop making the outrageous demands about the house and not paying maintainance for your son, as this will make him show him to be the spineless flake he clearly is.

Wishing you lots of luck and strength.

i think you have to get the kid gloves off my love - if this ow is really serious about moving into your home she is as without morals as your husband and you have a fight on your hands!

take all the advice on here and get legal help ASAP, even if YOU don't feel angry yet, do it for your son - ime, taking positive action will always help to make you feel more in control of your own destiny, don't let this fuckwit waste any more of your life, you deserve sooooo much better.

good luck!

I know that you are right. I am reluctant to speak about this because it's embarrasing for me and, as someone said, I forget who, it does make it real and I suppose a large part of me doesn't want to admit that a man I trusted, worked with, fought with, made love to, cooked for, cleaned for, washed for, ironed for, cared for... didn't care for me or our son at all. It's heartbreaking and as much as I know I must fight, I don't know where to start. I will though, the pain of losing this house, which is simply the tangible part of our relationship, I realise that, is enough to make me fight.

Our son won't talk to his father and will have nothing to do with the OW. I don't see why I should force him to. He has enough to work through and I don't feel I can reprimand my son for showing the morals we both brought him up to have.