Husband is leaving / has left.

[Marriedtoolong]

I am in need of some advice please.

Have been married for 30 years. Been together since we were teenagers. Have one child (12) who was the result of much trying and was much wanted by both of us.

Have recently found that my husband (no divorce proceedings started by either of us) has another child born at the start of 2008. We were still 'together' at the time of this childs birth.

He now tells me he wants to be with the other woman and the child and he wants them to live as a family in our house. He expects me to move out to a smaller property. He says I am not to expect maintenence as I work (I always have to help us as a family)

Please tell me what I have to do to not move out of my house. He expects to move the OW in, plus the new child and have my son live with them. I cannot bear the thought.

He says that a court will look at the cold hard facts but surely they will take into consideration the life of a teenage boy. Surely, please tell me they will.

My son has never met this OW or the child though I try my best to make him understand they are his family, he (IMHO, undeerstandly) is angry.

Am lost.

A court will not sanction his proprosal. A 12yo will not be expected to have his mother removed and replaced. End Of.

Unfortunatly you may be in for a hard time of it however, whatever he does you should not leave your home. You have been contributing to the family income therefore, even if the mortgage goes from his account, you will have a stake in the house.

By the sounds of it he may try goodness knows what to get you out and have his little dream family but you (and your ds it would seem) know this is not right and for everyones sake you need toi be the strong grown up here.

Get legal advice pronto - ask about legal aid, you may be entitled if you seperate from him as his income will not be counted with yours.

Above all, do not fall into the trap of thinking it is your fault or that you did something wrong (no matter if he blames you). In no way do you deserve this treatment and neither does your child.

NCBx

I don't mind signing the house to him (I cannot afford it alone) but feel that my son and I should be allowed to stay here until he reaches 18.

Why should my son and I have to live in a 2 bed flat while my husband moves his new woman and new child into our lovely 4 bedroom house.

I feel retched by the whole thing. His family are very sympathetic to me, they obviously did not know about this child before I did.

Surely this lying will be taken into account by a court? Please tell me it will. He says to me that he has another child now, and I appreciate that he has, but does such stupidity mean that my son is left high and dry?

Just feel so alone and lost with this. Am feeling unable to call friends as they won't believe me. It's that unreal.

Get legal advice

While you are suffering a sleepless night, use the time usefully. Get together a list of all your and his assets and debts, and if possible the account numbers of everything. However you have organised the finances, everything you currently own you own jointly - half each. Including the house, your pensions etc etc.

Have a look at wikivorce (has a calculator to see how much you would end up with + lots of useful advice).

This is going to be a very painful time for you. Big hugs.

Hassled.

Sorry, I do not know how to link to another message thread.

I will be honest, family court will probably not look at the things that have gone on between you two as a couple (ie him lying to you) although they will look at it in respect of how that will have affected your son. As you said it has left your son angry and upset then this will be what is presented to a court.

They are not interested in how he has hurt you as such, they are 100% focused on the child, in this case though it would seem that the right outcome for your son is also the right outcome for you.

No, don't worry - I mean I've done it on your behalf. There is now a thread in the Legal section which points people to this thread, if that makes sense. There are a fair few MN lawyers, and they might not look at the Relationships section.

Just think about your needs and your son needs.

Fuck him!

Don't move from your house. He'es been unfaithful to you, he has decided he wants his cake and eat it.

Tough for him!!

DON'T MOVE FROM YOUR HOUSE,!!!

If he starts to threaten you go to the police station and denounce him, every time he threatens the estability of you or your child.

Call a family lawyer tomorrow.

Keep us posted!

Ah - sorry - I assumed he still lived there. You have to prepare yourself for the fact that when your son is 18 you might have to sell the house unles you can buy him out. Is he contributing to the mortgage now at all?

It sounds like you are in a state of shock, and although it is difficult, try not to feel defeated. Hopefully you will feel stronger and things will seem clearer once you have legal support.

Hi Marriedtoolong - I'm a family lawyer but am always hesitant to give loads of advice on here as it's difficult to get an idea of the full circumstances on MN BUT couldn't post as I feel you need some urgent advice to prevent your H from taking advantage of your vulnerability. You must get to a specialist family lawyer asap but here's some ideas of first steps:

1. Echo the advice on here not to move out of the marital home. Presumably the house is in joint names but even if not you have a matrimonial right of occupation which does not have to be registered to be valid PROVIDED you are still in occupation.

1. Having said that, if his name is on the deeds, you cannot change the locks - please do not do this. You can take advice as to whether or not you can have him excluded from the home (usually on the basis of domestic violence) but you have to get a court order first.

1. You say you work to "help" with the family finances. If your income is below a certain level, you may be entitled to legal aid. Check here initially. Otherwise you can either try for half an hour free consultation or pay a fixed fee (usually around £70/80 incl VAT) for a short consultation.

1. Put all your financial documents in a safe place. If you can keep them away from the matrimonial home even better (store them at friends/family). Make sure that you contact the bank to freeze any joint accounts so prevent him from emptying them before you get to them. May sound scary but I know of many cases where wives have found out too little too late. Set up an account in your own name and if you're not responsible for paying the mortgage yourself but your name is on it, make sure you contact the Lender to ensure the repayments are being made.

1. Don't agree anything without legal advice. Your idea that you might be able to reside in the home until your child reaches 18 is a sound legal principle but many Hs will attempt to get you to agree to sell and split the proceeds 50:50 in the interests of resolving matters quickly. It may well be that the courts agree with him rather than you but better to wait until that is a certainty rather than let him bully you into anything.

1. He's completely wrong that he doesn't owe you maintenance. Whilst you're still living together and he's contributing to the mortgage, it's just a right in principle but as soon as you and your son are separated from him, you can pursue him for maintenance. This is regardless of your income and entirely dependent on his. The CSA have guidelines (usually 15% of his net income for one child) but it's best to check with them as he will receive a reduction based on the fact he has another child.

Hope this helps but can only repeat that you must get some legal representation asap. I'm so sorry you're going through this - MN is a valuable resource for emotional support but please please don't let this man bully you into making any irrevocable decisions at this point. You must be feeling so vulnerable and mixed up atm

Whatever you do, don't engage in discussions with him as he's obviously trying to use the situation to his own advantage. Perhaps when the dust is settled, you will be able to sit down with him and have a more reasoned discussion but for the time being focus on getting clarity on your own position - forewarned is forearmed as they say....

My God, I feel so and for you. My husband is in the process of leaving us, our house is in joint names though he is the breadwinner. We have three children and I recently took legal advice because though he says we can keep the house and he'll pay for everything, I don't trust him any more (with good reason). Here is what I heard:

If you are married, the house is in joint names, and you have a child together, you are under no obligation whatsoever to move out and leave your son with him and OW. Stay in the house, don't let him bully you.

If he is leaving you, then he has to pay you a percentage of his net monthly salary - 15% for one child, plus an allowance for you. That is that.

He does have a legal right to live in the house, unless you have an injunction, so changing the locks could cause problems! But you do too, so he is being a real arse thinking you will just move over to let him move Her in, with their child and leave yours there. Ha! Unless there are specific reasons dictating otherwise, a court will not allow a father to force a child from its mother.

My solicitor advised me to keep it as amicable as possible, and to go, together, to a mediator she recommended. They will advise us as to how to split money, the house, etc, put it all into a document which will then be approved as fair by both our solicitors. This will form the basis of a legal separation. And is binding for the life of the separation, no matter how much I earn. And as a wife you are entitled to fair treatment, and as close to the same standard of living as you previously enjoyed as possible. If you have to sell the house, you will get a bigger proportion of the equity as his wife and mother of his child.

But of course, each case is different. My solicitor cost £200 inc VAT for the hour I was there, but it really put my mind at rest. Try and get one who is a specialist in family law (an SFLA accredited specialist). Take along with you as much info about your joint finances as possible, and have all your questions written down - this will save time (and, therefore, money!).

Just remember that as his wife of so many years, you really are entitled to better than this. He's trying to bully you in order to make his life easy. Words can't express how completely narcissistic/naive/monstrous these twats are. I really feel for you.

Good luck xxx

No, he isn't here and hasn't been here since the new baby arrived. He is, as far as I know, living with the new woman.

I have changed one lock, one not normally used, so my husband still has access if he requests it, but I feel I need to have some peace of mind to stop him entering at other times, so use the other lock, but only when my son and I are in the house. I feel it is my parental responsiblity to protect us from unwanted visitors.

He is currently paying the mortgage and is expecting me to pay the bills, though these are in his name as well. He liked everything to be in his name.

Thankyou. I feel calmer just for having gotten this much down in black and white.

May I add that you need to get all your valuable documents together asap.

-passport (you and DS_
birth ceritificates
utility bills
bank statements
savings books/statements
any pay slips
tax documents
tax credit documentation

These are logistical things that you may need later.. plan ahead

Hi MTL, I feel for you and have just been through similar. My experience would be get a good lawyer and stand your ground. As a ground rule you are entitled to half the assets of the marriage plus maintenance for your child at 15% of his income. You might end up selling the home but he certainly cant force you out and keep it wihtout paying you for your half. You might also be able to stay until your son leaves school and then sell it. It is really misreable and you must feel really hurt but dont let him bully you

can i just check - your husband moved out early in 2008 to live with his new partner and their child but you have not yet sought legal advice? Is that right?

Haven't read everything and I am not a lawyer but from my experience of divorce law (not exact same circumstances as you though)

You have been in what is classed a 'long' marriage

You are entitled to 50% of everything-that includes the house

You are entitled to maintanance for your son

DO NOT leave the house

Deffo deffo get a divorce lawyer asap!

DO NOT believe anything he says re the law - he knows jacks**t

write everything down

Really really sorry you are having to deal with this.
Keep strong.

Katie, yes, I thought he would come back

He is telling me that he will give me some money to move out of the house, only enough to get a 2 bed flat though, and he wishes to keep the house for the OW and new child and for our son to keep his room. I find that so odd, it's not describable.

It's only tonight that I have really come to the conclusion that he intends to go through with this. I honestly thought he would come back, this has been going on for some time and he, if anything, has been trying harder with me / us / our relationship recently so this is shocking

Just noticed that we've x-posted with an echo Mrs Pickles!

Marriedtoolong - Hope you get the legal support you need - don't worry unduly about having changed one lock if he's moved out provided you're reasonable about notice etc. Can't reiterate enough how important it is that you get some advice based on full circumstances, paperwork etc. I just hope you're feeling strong enough to deal with his tactics now that you have the full wrath of MN behind you

Good luck for tomorrow - there's hard work ahead but who knows, once he realises that you can't pull the wool over your eyes so easily, mediation/discussion may become more of a possibility and avoid the need for long drawn-out court battles.