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Original poster

DP not invited to wedding, should I go?

76 replies

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:23

An old friend has invited me to his wedding but not DP. At the wedding of another old friend 3 years ago DP got drunk and ended up making a fool of himself. To be (slightly) fair to DP it was the first time he met my exH and was surrounded by exH and mine joint friends. So it was a difficult occasion for him. Old friend is worried same thing could happen again. I feel it would disloyal to DP not to go but on other hand don't see why I should miss wedding cos of HIS bad behaviour. DP doesn't know he's not been invited

OP posts:

ilove · 11/11/2008 10:25

That's a hard one...I can understand why they don't want to invite him but 3 years is a long time. You'll either have to tell him he isn't invited or just decline yourself. How has his "behaviour" at functions been since then?

beanieb · 11/11/2008 10:27

hmmm - so he has specifically not invited him, as in he has told you his reason is the earlier incident rather than just left him out accidentally?

What's his behaviour like generally RE drink? Do you have faith in him not to repeat his past behaviour?

mabanana · 11/11/2008 10:27

I wouldn't go under those circs. Very disloyal. How would you feel if one of your dp's friends didn't invite you to his wedding, because he didn't like you?

beanieb · 11/11/2008 10:28

sorry - to answer your question I think yes you should go.

nickytwotimes · 11/11/2008 10:28

I would be miffed if it was my dh. Tbh, my loyalty would lie with him. I'd question the decision in a sensitive manner, but would not go without him.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 11/11/2008 10:28

I wouldn't keep it a secret from my DP.

I would try to negotiate things so DP could at least come for a while.

but do understands friends worries.

solidgoldbrass · 11/11/2008 10:29

Do you think your DP wants to go? SOme people would really rather not go to weddings to hang out with a partner's friends/family that they don't know or much like - if your DP would rather go out with his mates on that day, then there's no problem (unless the majority of people you know are the tragic sort who can't go anywhere without their partners welded to them and start to hyperventilate and soil themselves at the sight of an adult who is even temporarily SSSSSSSINGLE!).
Mind you, your DP must have thrown a pretty spectacular drunk for your friend to be fretting about it 3 years later. Did he piss on the wedding cake or punch the bride?
More importantly, is your DP a bit of a problem drinker, or was that a complete one-off. If the latter, and the groom2b is an old mate, you can surely ring him up and say, look, DP made an arse of himself 3 years ago, are you really going to punish him for the rest of his life, he won;t do it again.

Original poster

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:31

Good. He is not like that normally, however I wouldn't rule out something like that happening again given the right mix of ingredients - booze, emotional stuff etc. I wouldn't want to go to this wedding with him cos it will be the same people again. Yes, 3 years is a long time and also I have seen each and every one of the people who will be there behave badly at some point. Through 3 years of university and a decade of friendship, who hasn't?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 11/11/2008 10:33

Then the groom is being a bit precious TBH. Unless your DP is a violent drunk in which case it's understandable that they don't want him, but if he just gets a bit dribbly and dances badly they they should all chill out.

Original poster

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:34

I don't think DP would like to go at all, he has no interest in getting to know my ex. We don't have a problem with doing things separately. Normally of course a wedding would be a together thing but this is different.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:36

DP is not a violent drunk. He couldn't find me at the end of the evening and when he did find me - I was having a drink in a bar in the hotel with a mate - he was cross and shouty. He was, I think, jealous and paranoid and completly overreacted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:38

Old friend has specifically not invited him. To be honest I feel he - DP - behaved like a twat but that he's my twat and I love him and even if he was in the wrong I am the only one allowed to have a go at him! But I still feel annoyed at thought of missing out.

OP posts:

Blinglovin · 11/11/2008 10:41

I can't believe you're even considering this and haven't told DP. Your first loyalty should be to him and your friend should not still be punishing DP for something that happened 3 years ago. You've obviously been with DP for a long time but you're still putting your other friends, and relationships from when you were with ExH before him? If he chooses not to go, that's one thing, but to keep it from him and to think it's okay that he's not invited seems pretty shocking to me.

there was a thread over the weekend with a woman whose MIL and DH had colluded in not inviting her to family events and everyone was horrified. This is the same thing.

Original poster

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:45

I am not putting friends above DP. I just feel I shouldn't be punished for his lack of self control. Old friends deserve loyalty too. These are people I have known for 15 years. Altho I do think the groom2b is being a bit holier than thou. But, hey, tis his wedding.

OP posts:

morningpaper · 11/11/2008 10:46

just decline politely

I wouldn't hold any grudges either way TBH

no one really wants a shouty drunk getting leery and weird at their wedding so I don't blame them that much

Original poster

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:47

Cheers morningpaper. Nicely put.

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Blinglovin · 11/11/2008 10:48

"lack of self control" - three years ago? You admit yourself that he's not normally like this, and that in that particular instance he had good reason to be a bit overwrought. I'd have thought three years down the line, this is less likely to happen.

DP made an ass of himself in front of my sister, her husband and his mother about 4 months ago. I was furious with him at the time. But now, if my sister tried to exclude him from things because of that one instance, four months ago, I'd be absolutely livid.

Thishasupsetme · 11/11/2008 10:48

I started a thread last week as I found out that my MIL had purposefully excluded me from DH's cousins christening, it also transpired that I had been left out of a family wedding as well.

It is a horrible and devestating situation and DH and I nearly split up because of it.

I can not describe how hurt I felt and still do feel, it is awful.

I think you should tell your DP and I think you should not go TBH. He is your priority not your friends, not matter how long you have known them.

I feel sad for your DP.

beanieb · 11/11/2008 10:48

I wouldn't decline. There's no rule that says your Partner should be invited.

Would you feel ok being there on your own?

Simplysally · 11/11/2008 10:49

I'm not sure what I'd do in this situation but 3 years seems a long time to hold a grudge or remember a wrong!! Have they accepted him as your partner or do they think you should have 'done better' and this is their way of showing it?

pigleto · 11/11/2008 10:54

I wouldn't go to party that excluded my dh. we are a team.

Original poster

Annya · 11/11/2008 10:56

THUM - I caught up with your thread this morning and was glad to see things had turned out as well as possible given the circs. However my DP has not been invited because he made an arse of himself not - as in your case - for absolutely no good reason.

I should probably talk to DP, I guess he will feel chastened/bad about it and I don't really want to bring up the issue again. Btw, I don't see any of my old friends v often, I moved from UK to France 5 years ago and met DP 4 years ago

OP posts:

Upwind · 11/11/2008 10:57

I would tell your DP he has not been invited and if I still wanted to go, and it would not hurt him, I would

Thishasupsetme · 11/11/2008 11:08

Thats fair Annya, I think upwind has a really good idea. But I would be cautious about him saying he is not hurt when he actually may be. Only you know him and can tell if that is the case.

I really hope it all goes well for you and your DP.

Thishasupsetme · 11/11/2008 11:12

Also I can tell you the bit that hurt me the most was that DH's originally went with what his mum was telling him and never said anything to me about it.

You do need to tell your DP, he will ten see you are being honest with him, and if he doesn't want to go anyway then there shouldn't be a problem

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