DP not invited to wedding, should I go?

[Annya]

An old friend has invited me to his wedding but not DP. At the wedding of another old friend 3 years ago DP got drunk and ended up making a fool of himself. To be (slightly) fair to DP it was the first time he met my exH and was surrounded by exH and mine joint friends. So it was a difficult occasion for him. Old friend is worried same thing could happen again. I feel it would disloyal to DP not to go but on other hand don't see why I should miss wedding cos of HIS bad behaviour. DP doesn't know he's not been invited

i would mention it to dp and see if he would be ok with you going alone.

you could see at the wedding if a) you aren't that fussed abouyt them, and will let the friendship pass, or b) you want to stay friends and will make more effort to meet up and so they get a chance to meet the real dp.

can understand their reluctance not to invite him tbh, if they don't even see you that much, and think he may wreck their wedding

you mention that theyve only met your husband once, could this be an opportunity to change their opinion of him?

I would be tempted to call the bride/groom and ask if DH can attend if he doesn't drink that day (if you think this would be something he would be willing to do)

it just seems to me that this issue of him getting on with your friends isn't going to go away unless it is actively addressed- surely its not an option (not one you would want anyway) for him just not to attend every social gathering.

My DB is getting married next year and has not asked his (for years) closest friend to be best man as he often gets drunk and obnoxious at funktions. He was abusive at SIL2b's 40th and that was almost the end of my DB's friendship with him.

He and his wife are still invited to the wedding, although he was very annoyed at not being asked to be best man.

This is someone who regularly behaves badly when he has had a drink (he is ok when sober).

Your DP behaves badly on one occassion and you are both punished for the rest of your lives by not being invited as a couple? That is very poor from your friend.

I think that you should speak to your DP, as THUMB has said, it is the secret-keeping that hurst. Does he know that the friend is getting married? Would he not expect you to be invited?

I would not go.

Are all these people so utterly perfect themselves? Can't they move on from 3 years ago? How will your DP ever feel part of that section of your life if he is always excluded from it? TBH I would be quite miffed on his behalf. Unless, of course, the people concerned have never acted foolishly when under emotional duress and therefore find it difficult to empathise, ina Spockian way.

No, I am sure everyone who will be there has acted in ways they deeply regret the morning after!

I guess it's just that my friend doesn't want to risk something happening at his wedding and while I'm sure he'd be happy to meet us both if he were nearby or we were in the area for dinner or whatever he doesn't want to jeopardise his wedding day.

He did also say it was small do, limited guest list etc but I assumed that was just meant to soften the blow.

He is not a big part of our day-to-day life so it is not a big deal on a practical level but he is an old friend, who I will always think of with affection.

Mind you, I have had some socially inept XPs that I used to not take to events because I knew they would act like knobs when there was free drink about - but they didn't want to go anyway. They were friends for having sex with and moshing at gigs and enjoyable drunken ranty arguments, not formal occasions.

And what I would actually do in your situation (because I am a great believer in necessary lies) is mention the wedding to your DP and suggest that as he doesn't like these mates of yours, that you go alone. He will (unless he is a bit of an arse) say, oh, go alone, I will have fun doing something else. You go, see your mates, no worries, no hurt feelings.

Hmm, I sort of see what you're saying SGB, but doesn't that give the OP's mates the impression that it's ok to exclude him and he is Not Quite Good Enough to be One Of Them? I think it could come off as being disloyal and make Annya feel a bit like she is accepting their negative view of him. He will always be second-class to them if she lets them do this, and she will in effect be saying she agrees with them.

I usually agree with you muchly tho

are you aure thats why he isn't invited|?

Having agonised long and hard over myown wedding list recently, we decided not to invite anyone we didn't BOTH know and that included partners and relatives on both sides. We simply cannot afford it!!

Could it be that?

of course you should go

we didn't invite any "plus ones " to our wedding. our criteria was similar to mom's. its perfectly normal for him not to be invited, and for to go without him, not disloyal at all.

I wouldn't go. I would consider it disloyal.

However if you really want to go, then tell your DP, if he doesn't want to go, but is happy for you to go, then go.

I don't get what's 'loyal' about making everyone uncomfortable - the DP because he doesn;t like these people and they don't like him, the OP because she's going to be stressing all day about who might upset who - and the couple getting married who really don;t want to have to be anxious that their dear mate's partner is going to act like a knob again. Everyone would be much happier if the OP went to the wedding alone. (Well, apart from the sort of inadequates who think that single people are infectious or mentally ill ie first, you must have a partner, then, you must parade that partner with you everywhere you go to prove you've got one and to stop the partner ever getting the chance to have sex with anyone else...)
Thing is, lots of people insist that their partners are wonderful and will behave beautifully when in fact the partners are socially inept knobs. The OP's old friends may be worried about this aspect, rather than despising her partner for what he did 3 years ago in a superior sense - maybe the OP has a history of dating knobs?

Also, why should one's friends like one's partners? If they don't have anything in common, why force them into each other's company when they are not keen?

i wouldnt go. similar thread days ago except it was a guy who didnt tell his mrs about family wedding, she found out from a txt from mil.read it!!!!

I wouldn't go TBH. You are a couple and come as a package. 3 yrs is a long time.

Why not attend the ceremony only? Or the breakfast afterwards but not the drinks party at night. You could strike a deal with your old friend.

Alexa808 - this idea that a couple 'come as a package' is one of those pieces of wierd mundane shit that I can't get my head round at all. Are there really people so inadequate that they consider themselves only half a person if their partner isn't there?
I would never give up friends because they didn;t like a partner - though I wouldn't give up a partner because of freinds' opinions either - but nor would I insist on them spending time with each other, I would just spend my time with either friends or partner. I really really don't see the problem.
As to the woman who was excluded by her MIL: didn;t read the thread (have not got time to wade through 1000 posts about it) but you can't force people to like you and if you stop trying to and just accept that they don.t like you and it's their problem ie just get over it, then you wil make yourself a lot less miserable.

I don't know. DP and I are very independent and both do lots of socialising totally seperate from each other. But this feels rude to me. I could accept if a friend of mine, who didn't know him, told me that they were keeping costs down and so not inviting people they don't know, including DP to their wedding. But in this case, these friends, who are her ExP's friends too if I understand it correctly, have said that they don't like her DP because of something he did three years ago and therefore he's not invited in case he behaves badly again. OP has said that he does not behave that way as a matter of course.

To me, it feels like he is being punished and he's being treated like a child - "you were naughty so now you can't play with the other children".

I think it's the reason which is jarring - if the OP's DP had not been invited because of pressure of numbers, then maybe fair enough, but he has not been invited because of something mildly silly he did 3 years ago FFS! That would be enough to make me not go I'm afraid.

X posts Blinglovin!

great minds...!

Anyway he could come for the evening so you could say only old friends invited for dinner but partners invited after. Failing that I would email the friend whose wedding it is and say you would feel uncomfortable and disloyal going to a wedding without dp so thank you for the invite but you reluctantly have to decline.

A couple of friends I have have partners I don't like but I would never have not invited them to my wedding. Anyway, surely there should always be at least one very drunk person at a wedding - if not your dp then someone else will be.
x

I wouldnt go

Is your exH going to be there again? Since that was the trigger last time, it seems crucial to know that.

I agree with the idea that it seems a bit disloyal to just accept your DP being excluded. The idea that couples 'come as a package' can be taken too far - everyone knows someone who drags their other half along to what should be girls' gossipy chats etc. But functions (ie weddings, christenings, family parties) are when I would always expect an established couple (married, living together, or together for a good few years) to both be invited. I know that can be financially tough but it's the price you have to pay for acknowledging that your guests have lives of their own and that, while it's your day, it is nice to be able to give some thought to your guests enjoying it too.

I echo the poster who asked why you don't challenge your friend - however politely and kindly - about this. I would phone (not email, this is something where you need to avoid misinterpretation) and say

'You know how much I would love to be there for your wedding day. The one problem is this issue about DP not being able to come because of (previous occasion) because that makes me uncomfortable. I know I'm obviously going to see this differently to you, but in my view it was a one-off thing caused by the stress of meeting exH. I can assure you he hasn't done this at any other time, and I'd really like you and (other friends) to get to know him for the great bloke he is. So, I wanted to ask you if you'll reconsider. If you want to think about it and tell me in a few days' time, that's OK.'

Then wait and see what he says. If he has a change of heart, great, all systems go! If he still says no, I would regretfully decline and suggest some other time when you can catch up. But I would also then send a card etc. so that you are being the bigger person. Maybe then in time they will realise they are on their moral high horse a bit over this. And if this is the outcome, I would just not mention it to your DP - assuming that he is genuinely sorry and embarrassed about how he was last time, because then there's no point in punishing him with it again (the punishment being on their part, not yours, I mean).

Some VERY good points EC, particularly about whether your Ex is likely to be there.

Yes, exH will be there, in fact it will be an almost identical crowd to the problem wedding of a few years ago. Therefore, I think while DP is unlikely to make a scene again it would be an ordeal for him and for me as I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy myself, I would feel I had to keep an eye on things.

Also I don't to pay for the flights and the hotel etc. for a day that I will worry about - rightly or wrongly.

I see everyone's points about contacting friend but I think as I don't really want to go with DP it is not worth the trouble. Plus it would feel a bit humiliating. However I shall send a card and invite him and his gf to stop by whenever they are next in France (they travel to France fairly often).

I imagine DP would be happy for me to go alone and for him to look after DS for weekend but as I won't have told that he's not invited (don't want to dredge it all up again) it wouldn't be entirely honest so I think I shall just not go.

Plus sgb totally with you on couple/doing stuff alone thing.