DP not invited to wedding, should I go?

[Annya]

An old friend has invited me to his wedding but not DP. At the wedding of another old friend 3 years ago DP got drunk and ended up making a fool of himself. To be (slightly) fair to DP it was the first time he met my exH and was surrounded by exH and mine joint friends. So it was a difficult occasion for him. Old friend is worried same thing could happen again. I feel it would disloyal to DP not to go but on other hand don't see why I should miss wedding cos of HIS bad behaviour. DP doesn't know he's not been invited

Did he apologise/make amends for his past behaviour with whoever's wedding it was?

Tell your DP about the wedding, in a fairly casual way,like it's no huge big deal, tell him he isn't invited because of people remembering last time, so as he isn't invited you are happy not to go, but would like to catch up with your friends some other time. Be absolutely genuine about this - no emotional pressure or hidden agenda.

If he then spontaneously says 'oh, look, don't worry, you go, have a good time' then go - if you are sure he means it.

Definitely do not go, I am amazed you are even considering it, it would a huge act of disloyalty. Explain your reasons, I am sure they will understand.

He did apologise, both to me and to the person he'd insulted (the friend I was having a drink with) but I think the damage had been done. Friend is quite protective of me and felt DP was treating me badly. He was, but I understood why and we have obviously put it a long way behind us. I guess I will have to tell DP he's not been invited if I want to go, I don't want to cos it will hurt his feelings and I think even if he wouldn't want to go himself I think, to be honest, I'd prob prefer it if I didn't go - for no rational reason. ExH will be there but we are friends - DP knows - and that is all.

bamboostalks - friend said he would completely understand if I felt I couldn't go but would also be v happy if I did go.

Oh, freinds are being totaly snotty - not thier decision to make about who you marrid. A one-off bad behaviour lat at a wedding, and not during the formal parof the reception is no reason to do something as drastic as invite one half of a couple and not the other.

Don't go.

Sorry meant to say HE would prob prefer it if I did not go

Hmmm, sounds like your friends think your DP is an arse.

However, if he has apologised then I'm kinda with you on the accepting him as he is your partner thing.

I actually think it would be nice if your friends gave him a second chance, so I think they might be being a bit mean here.

However, it's their wedding and their guestlist. I don't think I would go in those circs. I have been to a wedding without DH, but that was NO partners, wherease this seems a bit personal.

Definitely not worth starting any grudges over though.

I think it makes a huge difference as to why they haven't invited him. If it's a matter of trying to keep down numbers as they're on a tight budget that's one thing. If they're not inviting him because they don't like him - I'd say that's quite another. If it's purely because of an incident 3 years ago I'd say it was a bit OTT myself. Surely he knows he made an arse of himself before and would try harder to behave another time.

I agree with others though that you need to discuss it with him.

Annya, if you know your DP would not be happy with you going and he is not invited then I would say don't go.

TBH your friends don't sound very nice if they are excluding him because of something that happened 3 years ago. You said yourself that he is not normally like that and had a certain amount of mitigating circumstances at the time. no excuse for behaving like a twat, but he is your DP.

How would you feel if this was the other way and you were not invited to one of his friends weddings because they don't like you. I am willing to bet you would but hurt if he went without you.

chequersandchess - yes, i'm afraid you're right, I don't think they like him. I guess as we live abroad we hardly ever/never see them so he's not had a chance to make a better impression in a more casual way.

THUM, of course I would be upset if I was not invited to one of his friend's things for no good reason. But as I've said the groom2b has a reason. Whether it's good enough, I don't know tho

i'd be cautious of going. as you say you live abroad, do friends of yours ever visit o plan to in the future? if so be prepared for a not entirely unjustified veto of any of your friends who have decided they don't like him visiting your home aain.

Thanks everyone. I don't think I will go. Regardless of the fact that it wasn't me who behaved like a twat, it would still be disloyal and I think I'd feel a bit of a heel. But I was looking forward to a good boozy catch-up and above all a long, long lie-in (maybe first since DS was born last year...) Oh well.

mayorofquinmby - friends do visit but only friends we both like and who like both of us. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone who either didn't like DP or DP didn't like him/her

Annya, In the 15 years you have been friends with the bride have you never seen her get drunk and make a fool of herself?
If you have, it might be worth pointing out that you didnt hold it against her.

Annya, FWIW, I think not going would be the best option, I don't think your friends have been very fair to you for putting you in such a position.

Yes he may have acted like a twat, but he apologised for it and it was 3 years ago. We all do stupid things when in new situations and drunk because that is life . Surely your friends have done things they would rather not have happened, but people forgive.

Maybe you could arrange a holiday after the wedding to some and see all of your friends while DP has DS, then you and dp could view it as YOUR holiday iyswim.

Also fwiw, I haven't had a lay in or night out (without DD) since before she as born last November, its crap isn't it

I actually wouldn't tell your dp about it at all. It will make him feel bad again about his behaviour three years ago which they all ought to have got over by now - I would be mortified in his position. I'd just decline the invitation and forget about it.

It's disappointing for you though, I do feel for you.

bubbaluv - actually don't know the bride v well at all but I know the groom well and yes, have seen him in some appalling situations! But I think cos this was the only time he's seen DP it has sort of got magnified, they don't see the lovely chap he is normally cos we don't live nearby

alarkspree - yes, it would seem like raking over an old situation. I shall just keep quiet about it, do the decent thing! Thanks for sympathy tho

thum - yeah, i could try and sort something like that, he'd be happy looking after DS. It is so difficult trying to combine 2 completely groups of people sometimes - quite understandably DP is not in to getting to know old exH/mine friends but neither do I want to write them out of my life. Thank God for email, I guess!

I don't really understand why you aren't addressing this? I would
a) call friend and say, "don't you think you're being a bit unfair? DP was a complete twat, but that was a once off, three years ago and he's really very lovely. I'd like you to get to know him better as he's important to me and to you
b) tell dp what's going on, highlight that you think your friends are being unreasonable and that you won't be going unless they invite him.

It might irritate DP that he's not invited, but as it should irritate you too, that's not a problem. He can't possibly be upset with your response as you're not going if he's not invited.

Oops, that's "he's important to me and so are you"

blinglovin - that sounds so sensible. I suppose I am just happy to let it lie, I don't really want to go with him, I would be absolutely mortified if it happened again and I don't want to be on eggshells and keeping an eye on things

This seems like such an over reaction. I feel so sorry for your dp, he got drunk and acted a bit silly once in 3 years and it's being used as a stick to beat him with now. It's totally out of order and I'd question any "friend" that excluded my partner on that basis.

I think they should get over themselves actually and start behaving like adults instead of children holding a grudge. It's clear they just don't like your partner but that shouldn't mean they only invite you to a wedding.

I'm amazed you're even considering it, I would have declined immediately and told them why. It's rude and childish as your dp already apologised years ago. I cannot believe none of them have never acted in a silly way when drunk but I assume none of them were ostracised?

They should make an effort to get to know your partner regardless of whether they're friends with your ex or not as presumably they're your friends too.

Are you and DP happy? Do you really think it's likely to happen again?

I don't think I would tell DP he wasn't invited if you decline yourself, it would just upset him. Likewise, if you called the groom, got it sorted and both went, like you said, you would be walking on eggshells.

I would e-mail or speak to the groom tho and explain why you can't come. Then say you hope to see them all another time, and you'd appreciate it if they would cut your partner a bit of slack. Hmm, thinking about it, I would e-mail actually, because then if your DP ever finds out, there will be no doubt of your loyalty to him over what was said as it will be down in black and white,. That way, he won't suspect you've been slagging him off behind his back.

You are in a tricky position - I don't envy you, but I'm glad you are coming down on the side of your partner. I know it's not "fair" that you miss out, but loyalty is the bigger issue here really. All the best, and good luck getting it sorted.