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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am leaving a lovely house and P today

51 replies

littlestmummystop · 10/11/2008 12:06

I've been with my P for two years and moved in together after a year. But I've made the decision to leave him today, he is away for a few days and I am packing up the house.
I feel so mean to be going without telling him,but everytime I try and talk about our relationship it goes nowhere. Each time I tell him I want out he cries and begs me not to.
He is gorgeous, amazing with my dd, and would be a wonderful dad, but ALL the time I feel like something is missing. . .He is completely non affectionate, we rarely sleep together and I so desperately wanted things ot get better and yet they don't. He bought a beautiful house for us to live in and now I am going back to live in my small flat.

I wake up feeling like I am next to a stranger, I have dreams about dating other men. But now the day is here, I've finally made a decision, I am v v v scared.

I've been on my own for years before P, now I will be alone again. Things made even worse by my dad dying after being ill for thee weeks last month. Even if you know you are doing the right thing why does it have to be so frightening?

Anyone out there who has done this themselves and are happier now?

OP posts:
Dior · 10/11/2008 12:08

Message withdrawn

FimboGotAxed · 10/11/2008 12:11

Could you go back to just dating him?

PeachyFizzesLikeADampSquibb · 10/11/2008 12:11

please view this as a break at least until your bereavement is more distant- some time away will perhaps force the issue eithre way but nothing sounds unresolvable here bar the lack of communications.

Ultimately you must do what is right but there is nothing to be lost by havig a separation instead of a split.

Original poster
littlestmummystop · 10/11/2008 12:14

I was gonna suggest going back to dating him after I've gone- if he forgives me enough! But don't know if that's just drawing out the inevitable.

It's not about my grief, I planned on leaving him a week before my dad fell ill.

OP posts:
mabanana · 10/11/2008 12:16

I do think just packing up and going and taking his daughter (yes, of course, and your daughter too) is rather unkind if I'm honest. Would he go to counselling with you?

Blu · 10/11/2008 12:20

Is he your dd's bio dad?

KerryMum · 10/11/2008 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mabanana · 10/11/2008 12:22

Oh, that's a thought. Assumed he was the father of the Littlest's dd, but reading it again, it doesn't sound like it. Sorry.

MascaraOHara · 10/11/2008 12:27

good luck.. sometimes going while they are gone is the only way but prepare youself for the backlash

moopymoo · 10/11/2008 12:28

I do wonder why you are running away from him without teling. I would understand if he was scaring you but that doesn t come across. I do hope that you find happiness and I would really recommend counselling for yourself whatever the outcome. The very best of luck.

Jodyray · 10/11/2008 12:36

I agree with KerryMum...I think doing a runner while he is away is very harsh to put it mildly especially as you say he is so amazing. Imagine how he is gonna feel when he walks back though that door and you and DD are gone. Whether he is the bio dad or not he must treat her as his own from how you described it. This guy is gonna be devastated. I could understand if he was abusive or similar that you went while you had the chance but hey ho its your life. I just hope that you leaving in this way is not gonna affect DD cos she is probably attached to him after 2 years. Good luck. I think you will need it.

solidgoldbrass · 10/11/2008 12:39

SOmetimes, leaving while a partner is away is necesssary if the partner is prone to emotional blackmail, which sounds like it could be the case here. People who cry all the time to get their own way are actually pretty toxic.

Though whether or not your DD is his bio-daughter (ie even if she is not) you will need to work out ways of maintaining a relationship between him and her.

happywomble · 10/11/2008 13:17

Oh please don't leave your p in this way. He will be devastated to find you and DD gone.

You don't have to stay with him if you are that unhappy but I think departing so suddenly would be so awful. How would your DD feel wouldn't she miss your P?

Couldn't you ask him to have a trial separation and emphasise that you want to remain friends..not make it final..say that you feel that you need some time on your own to grieve and that you want to spend time in your flat for a few months.

In the long term maybe your P isn't the right person if one wants a physical relationship and the other doesn't but there must be some way of discussing the issues..counselling sounds a good idea but I know most men don't like the idea of such things.

anyfucker · 10/11/2008 13:33

I do wonder what the MN opinion would be of a man who was planning to do this?

Obviously however, we are only told part of the story and the OP may have tried to leave many times before and been swayed by emotional blackmail/threats of suicide/tears etc

But, I feel sorry for the guy if the only thing he has done wrong is to be not quite good enough. Grass is greener anyone?

Poppycake · 10/11/2008 13:44

can only add to the posters saying pls don't do it like this. It would be absolutely awful - only deserved by someone who was being a real sh*t to you, and it doesn't sound like you think that.

Kally · 10/11/2008 13:47

I couldn't do that. I had a similar slow deterioration in my marriage, 3 kids and 26 years, most of those spent wishing I had the ability to end it. But I couldn't do it.

I often look back and wish I had however, but I lacked the balls and just stuck it out til it became so bad - he left me - thank Gawd...

As I look back, I now have a partner that I adore and just wish I had him to love and spend those years with instead of wasting my years so 'un-inlove'.

I wouldn't pass judgement on you at all, at least you have the guts to do what you feel is right for yourself. But I couldn't do it. (Almost envy your courage).

NorkyButNice · 10/11/2008 13:52

I know you said you've tried to leave before and his tears have stopped you - I think you should ask a friend to come over and sit in another room with your DD - once you've broken the news to him, she/he can help your to carry through your intentions of leaving.

Please don't just walk out on him (assuming he's never been physically or emotionally abusive to you) - I'd never forgive DH if he left without being man enough to stand up and tell me he was going.

LynetteScavo · 10/11/2008 13:54

I think it's obvious form the OP that littlemummystop isn't doing this lightly.

Be kind to him, littlemummustop, when he finds out.

purpleduck · 10/11/2008 14:00

its really, really mean to just go.
Don't punish him just because you can't stand firm when you want to talk.
I do mean that kindly.
Show him the respect that everyone deserves

clutteredup · 10/11/2008 14:04

I can only agree with the others on here - I've had periods similar to you with DH but we have worked through them. You need to work this through with him and talk to him without the tears stopping you talk through properly. If he thinks you never meant it he'll know you do now but give him a chance to help too - also your grief is almost certainly making things hard for you - is it that you feel he's not there for you? - he might want to be but feels inadequately able to support you as you're pushing him away. Please think of your DD too, she's lost her Grandad, how will she feel if she loses your DP at this point too?
If he is at all abusive etc. however you are absolutely doing the right thing - if not give things a chance.
Good luck.

OrmIrian · 10/11/2008 14:05

I work with someone whose wife did this when he was on a residential course. She took the children and a lot of the furniture. He came back to an nearly empty dark house. It broke him. From what you've said your P isn't violent, abusive or in any way dangerous and doesn't deserve this.

OrmIrian · 10/11/2008 14:05

I work with someone whose wife did this when he was on a residential course. She took the children and a lot of the furniture. He came back to an nearly empty dark house. It broke him. From what you've said your P isn't violent, abusive or in any way dangerous and doesn't deserve this.

shopaholicDIVA · 10/11/2008 14:12

agree with OrmIrian, how will you feel come home and find empty.

flowerybeanbag · 10/11/2008 14:17

I think that's really sad, and a bit cruel to just walk out when he's not there. If you want to leave, leave, but I think most people deserve a bit more respect, assuming he isn't violent or anything like that.

Kally · 10/11/2008 14:29

Just re-reading all the responses and most are against you upping and offing like that. But really do you think this man is happy? Imagine living a life where you know your partner wants out and has tried and tried to discuss it but you hang on with tears and begging. He can't be happy surely? Imagine the nagging fear he has inside, even if he is burying his head and trudging on and hoping it will get better... he must be dangling on panic stations all the time, which, if he is as sweet as he sounds, is not fair to him. Noone should live like that.

If you have been through a greiving period and are low, I would suggest a 'break' for a while. Get away for some space and clarify your feelings for him. Both sides of the problem here are sad outcomes, but perhaps if you do it gradually. Maybe that you will see things differently once you are away from him and feel you were not being rational. You may not be 'clear' with your feelings. Wait to make the final decision when you are not mouring and sad. But I think you should take space. Insist on it and let him help you perhaps so that it's not so wrenching.

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