I am leaving a lovely house and P today

[littlestmummystop]

I've been with my P for two years and moved in together after a year. But I've made the decision to leave him today, he is away for a few days and I am packing up the house.
I feel so mean to be going without telling him,but everytime I try and talk about our relationship it goes nowhere. Each time I tell him I want out he cries and begs me not to.
He is gorgeous, amazing with my dd, and would be a wonderful dad, but ALL the time I feel like something is missing. . .He is completely non affectionate, we rarely sleep together and I so desperately wanted things ot get better and yet they don't. He bought a beautiful house for us to live in and now I am going back to live in my small flat.

I wake up feeling like I am next to a stranger, I have dreams about dating other men. But now the day is here, I've finally made a decision, I am v v v scared.

I've been on my own for years before P, now I will be alone again. Things made even worse by my dad dying after being ill for thee weeks last month. Even if you know you are doing the right thing why does it have to be so frightening?

Anyone out there who has done this themselves and are happier now?

kally, what a nice person you sound

You poor thing, what a huge amount of turmoil you've been dealing with. Sometimes life just is hard and the mental and emotional strain of balancing all the different areas of our lives can just get too much.

With regard to your home situation, what have steps have you both taken to work at the relationship? You sound as though you don't really know what's gone wrong, which would indicate that you've not really worked at fixing things...unless you're not telling us everything?

Whatever you do, take care of yourself x

I understand I am taking the cowardly route out, it IS going to be kill me to see him so upset. But every single time I try and talk about it he ends up persuading me to stay and I really don't want to be persuaded anymore.

My dad helped me put my flat together, decorated it etc. and I want to be there again. I am going from a beautiful 4 bed townhouse back to a 2 bed council flat but it is mine and I feel safe there.

I will tell him before he gets back. I just can't be here when he sees I've gone.
Perhaps I am being really cruel and it will bite me back. But I cannot exist living in limbo, treading water, hoping so much that things will change.

is it the case that you think this is the only way you can leave?

it is cowardly, yes. I am imagining you have tried to leave so much that this must be your last resort.

If you have to di it, I would at least let him know, so that he doesn't come back to this huge empty shock scenario.

I think you should contact him, and even if it goes back to the sam e conversation, he won't be physicaly there to persuade you.

I think you should tell him.

I assume that you own the council flat if it has been empty for a year?

yes I do own it. I asked the tenants to leave 2 months ago so it has been standing empty. . I am paying for an empty flat.

It was always was my intention to tell him before he walks in. But he is having a really difficult time at work and is on a business trip and I didn't want to hurt him while he's so busy.

I have to say, if you have only been with your boyfriend for two years, he isn't the father of your child, and you aren't having sex, and he won't talk to me, and you yearn to live by yourself, it sounds sensible to end it really.

Can I ask if you rushed into the 'getting to live together phase' too quickly? How long have you actually been dating/a couple?

Sorry just re-read your original post.

AS it is only a year or two, I think you have every right to make it clear that its not as you want it to be. Fair enough to have given it a try and for you to decide that its not what you want. I still don't think its fair to do a runner on him. Perhaps just take 'some' of your stuff and say you need to move the rest with his help. Surely if you include him him in the process, it will be easier and not so 'final'. I think it is an awful thought to come home and find you are completely gone, toothbrushes, bits and bobs... be gracious. If he won't come to terms with your decision, you have to do what is good for you, but do it in a humane manner, partly with his involvement.

I don't think you are in any way at ease with what you're doing - you seem fixated on the fact that you're leaving a lovely home, as if your relative discomfort makes you feel more at ease with what you're about to do.

You don't sound like an unreasonable person - really think hard about ending things this way, it's awfully dramatic, and disrespectful to the relationship you once had.

It's not easy ending a relationship, I don't envy you the task, but this is not the way to do it.

i am just worried that you will go through with it and then end up hating yourself and feeling really depressed about leaving this 'lovely' house and partner.

have you tried/investigated relationship counselling?

on the other hand i have to say you are lucky you have somewhere to go - surely you can explain to him that you need some time to be with dd and sort your head out?

good luck and take care x

thanks for your advice. I have just reached the end of my teather with it all. I DO love him but not enough to live this life IYSWIM.

My dd's father left when she was a baby, I am having psychotherapy about that. I dated loads of men before P, and when he came along he seemed like what I was looking for. But as time has gone on he's become more and more introverted. I can't believe he is happy but, as he says, his 'bar is much lower than mine with fewer expectations.' I fell for him then discovered huge lack of self esteem problems.
He has been bliss in some ways with helping with DD and commitment to me. But I want someone who I can talk to/ connect with/ feel attractive to.
He is killing me slowly from the inside.

This is actually the hardest thing I will ever do. But I am doing it anyway. DD is fine I hope, we lived in our last place for a few years so it is home too. I just hope I DO find happiness eventually.

Oh my dear, vey sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds to me as though you have tried hard to resuscitate this relationship, and that the two of you perhaps aren't suited.

One quick idea though: uou're not angry with him, underneath, about how he's dealt with you since your dad\s death, are you? I certainly felt like that after my mother died.

But that may well not be the situation, in your case. I do hope you manage to continue the psychotherapy, and good luck.

Just re-read your post and saw that he is very unaffectionate: that is hard.

Have you told him that unless he bbecomes more so, things will end?

I can understand why youre doing this, i have a dp who does the same. but i would move your stuff back to your flat then go back to the house so you are there to talk when he gets back, thats a much kinder option to him arriving home to an empty house.

That's a good idea SMW

I am going to ring him before he gets home.

I have tried SO hard with him. His last gf ( fiancee)left him a few weeks before their wedding for another man. I thought she was awful until recently. I realise ( although no excuse) she was desperate too. I FEEL single already because I am so lonely. No conversation, connection, affection. That is v v hard to live with. I thought I was with a man for life and we'd have the whole schubang. I was wrong.

That last post put it into cntext a bit- I am now wondering if I was his last fiancee () and I can wellr emember the agonies of trying hard to sort everything out for ages and getting no resonse / acknowledgement from him, with him being convinvd I would nevr leave.

I am glad you are going to phone him, no matter what he'd done unles violent he wouldn't deserve that; the rest I can empathise with.

Hey there littlestmummy, how's it going? Been thinking about you. From what you've said it sounds like it really is the best thing.

I think you'll need to gather lots of friends around you for walks in the park, play dates, drunken nights, hugs and supportive chats. Will there be people you can call on?

Thanks so much MTH for your support. I do have lots of friends but many have moved out of London now. That was why I wanted it to work with P so much, he was company after a looong time on my own!

I rang him and told him today. He is obviously v hurt and says I only want 'out' when I have PMT. I have tenuously left it that we will 'date' again. Who knows what will happen. Just feel so much happier in my flat with a future again. And of course with all the lovely memories of my dad being here too. .

I think if he won't talk, but uses tears to control you and stop you leaving, then sadly your actions are justified. You have told him you want out. He won't hear, he won't listen.

Do what you need to do but do it as kindly as possibly.

Well if you were feeling so lonely before meeting him and lots of your friends have left London, then by leaving your now ex-P it sounds more like you've taken a brave, not cowardly step.

Good luck, LMS. xxx