Anyone read The Rules for Marriage ...

[redhotredhead]

... by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, same women who wrote The Rules and if so what did you think? Am just reading it at the mo and though I can see that some of these rules actually do work in practice, am railing against doing some of them just because, well why the hell should I?!

Here are some of them:

• give him 15 mins alone when he comes home
• don't expect a lot of sympathy
• don't scream, speak softly
• don't force him to talk
• do things you don't want to do
• don't complain about the kids
• don't expect applause for doing chores
• let him win

Hmmm.

Haven't read it but had been considering buying something similar to stop me being so resentful and start being more positive.

Problem is, I agree with you... why should i???

And I'm scared of being walked all over cos it seems like the more you give, the more they take!

sounds like you would be walking into a nightmare if you are told all that before you walked up the aisle

Haven't read it, but from the 8 rule examples given, I really can't see a rational equal partnership emerging from their application.

For sure, complaints and screaming aren't conducive to harmony, but really, let him win !!!! WTF!!

Are there any rules for men to follow about women?

who the fuck wrote that?

It has to have been a man..surely no woman would advocate such a doormat existance

I read it. Mostly through tears of laughter, with disbelieving snorts on the side.

Some of the rules - eg don't start whining the minute he gets through the door, make an effort to look nice etc - sound pretty sensible to me, but because they're about treating your partner with respect and showing them your good/positive side.

The ones about letting him win etc - well, as my beloved DH put it, why would I bother with a man I have to treat like a toddler?

And did you know that right after the book came out, one of the authors announced she was divorcing...?

Er, I won't be buying that. Was it written in the 1950s???

I did read this book in my first year of marriage and did think a couple of parts helpful as I found the first year such a culture shock.
However...many years later I'm afraid when he is being a arse he gets told.

Tell you what - it reads a bit better than "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" in which the daft old bat who wrote that says basically that all the problems in marriages are down to women and our unrealistic expectations.

Anyway, am just interested in finding out as much as I can about different approaches as am getting to the end of almost a year of v expensive couples psychotherapy and wondering what the hell we have paid for! We have had some fascinating discussions in therapy about why we are the way we are and the patterns we fall into bla bla bla but the bottom line is we have not changed in the way we deal with each other. It feels like our emotional responses are set in concrete (well we are both 40+ and met and married relatively recently). Would find a lot of these rules easier to swallow if there was a bit better psychological explanation of what is actually going on in men's heads for instance when they hear a woman shouting and cannot cope with it.

Any other top tips for good books about coping with men?

nah

he's lucky to have me and i him

i try to bear that in mind and not read mentalist books

lol,

sometimes you have to play a game,

anyone read the rules of work by richard templar?

similar thing,

i've read the work one

it was shite imho

ronald,

it was indeed shite,

shite you often need to do to get noticed,

shite all day long unless you work for yourself,

but i liked richard,

and his ideas,

but it was in the most part,

shite

I beg to differ...

I thought that what he said was obvious and the rest of it was covered in any basic management training.

I didn't think that any of it would help you get noticed or move you futher forward particularly
Just common sense and work ethic

Glad some of it helped you though

ron,

no need to patronise,

i have not had management training,

nor would i want to,

the book was interesting to me,

a mere worker...

sorry thought you were patronising me

weird old day

i mean the sorry though

ok, thanks,

it was shite though

• give him 15 mins alone when he comes home

i firmly believe that We should give each other buffer time when we get home or things quickly get shouty.

• don't expect a lot of sympathy

well thats kind of me - i dont do sympathy - dh does it very well though

• don't scream, speak softly

in an ideal world this would be the case, that we would converse and not shout

• don't force him to talk

don't fucking worry, two can play at that game

• do things you don't want to do

i think this goes both ways, i think if we thing about it we all do things we don't particularly want to do each day - re-ohrased this is called comprimise is it not?

• don't complain about the kids

well then we wouldn't discuss them

• don't expect applause for doing chores

funny that becuase dh may say "i did the kitchen for you " I reply " its not for me , waddya want a medal"

• let him win

at what? if we talk on board the speaking softy not shouty thing above, then we are presuming that a concersation would have taken place, if we take on the point about comprimise above - then we can assume a solution has been found.

this final one is not necessary.

i think the whole thing is written very very emotively very good with the power of the english language and using that English as a weapon to force strong opinion!!!

don't fall for it ladies!

custy,

brilliant

• don't force him to talk

don't fucking worry, two can play at that game

• don't complain about the kids

well then we wouldn't discuss them

One of them was dumped by her dh anyway.

I've got three

1. Fucking grow up (both of you)
2. Stop being so self indulgent
3. Do something for someone else instead of constantly thinknig about yourself and your feelings nad your rsponses

Redhot, not surprised you are wondering what you paid for. Somoeone is laughing all the way to the bank

Glad I'm not married to you, moondog.

are you never self indulgent?

never ever?

I think moondog's three are pretty to the point and true.

I will also add my bon mots:

be kind to your spouse; most men take (and give) things at face value. Kindness is always understood.

give more: don't tally up favours as it all evens out in the end.

work on yourself - you are both changing. relationships are dynamic.

I remember giving a friend the Rules when she married: it was intended as a joke.
I felt do bad afterwards as she tried so hard to be the 'perfect wife' she ended up on anti depressants and had an affair!

BTW I think it is quite a funny day isn't it? I had a huge mis understanding with my mum over a tiny thing!!

The best advice i was ever given about marriage and making it work was to treat each other as you would your work colleagues.

Sounds daft but:
You wouldnt (if you work in an office, eg) go to work in your pyjamas with your hair a mess

If your colleague did something for you you would say thank you

If you wanted a colleague to do something for you you would say please

If your colleague was speaking you would listen to their POV before responding

If you knew your colleague was havign a bad day/time you probably give them the benefit of the doubt if they made a mistake

Lots more i cant recall now.

Quite simple stuff but it certainly has given me food for thought over the years

Don't get married. Simple