Anyone read The Rules for Marriage ...

[redhotredhead]

... by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, same women who wrote The Rules and if so what did you think? Am just reading it at the mo and though I can see that some of these rules actually do work in practice, am railing against doing some of them just because, well why the hell should I?!

Here are some of them:

• give him 15 mins alone when he comes home
• don't expect a lot of sympathy
• don't scream, speak softly
• don't force him to talk
• do things you don't want to do
• don't complain about the kids
• don't expect applause for doing chores
• let him win

Well I do the opposite of all those rules and DP witters (boringly IMO) about what a great relationship we have. He likes assertive women who tell him when he's being an idiot.

God, you lot are scary when you gang up!

GoodWifeRules that I stumbled on.

LOL! Must try it. DH would be VERY SUSPICIOUS if I started dusting the table and polishing the kids of an evening. And where exactly does it mention what he should do if I'm the one coming home hungry after a long boring day at work? (Actually I think this is either made up or if really 1950s, was tongue in cheek.)

I'm a SAHM mostly, so yesterday I rearranged my day so kids were fed at 4:30, and in the bath by 6pm when DH got home. I greeted him with a drink and nibbles and the fire going while i bathed the kids and put them to bed. then i cooked him his favourite dinner, listened to his day and encouraged him to talk about his ambitions.

it was lovely! Lots of you do a lot of this anyway, by accident, I should imagine. but I was so disorganised before, DH would get home to chaos and have to dive in. I never had time to talk to him, and was always harrassed. following this book has given me back a lot of calmness.

Since i've started this, he is *leaping8 up to help me with everything and is lying right up thisclose to me at night, holding my hand. i can't tell you how lonely and cold it felt before.

I 8know* I'm sounding demented about it all, but it's helped me sort of remember him, in a way... We are so lovely ti them when we're dating them appreciative, cheerful, attractive, fun and that can disappear in the drudgery of marriage. last night the kids were asleep by 7:30pm, the house was tidy, nice dinner in front of the fire... it felt like a different house!

It's also boosted my confidence. it's not all about himhimhim... Because i'm working hard to make his life nicer, i feel a lot more confident about asking for help, or things that I need. I know I'm pulling my weight, so I expect him to, as well. And he is.

You'll hate this: He's in charge of the money now, and gives me housekeeping! But I even like that, as before I spent everything and now I have a set amount to budget with.

He is around a lot more since this started. before, he buried himself up in the office all night. Now he is just everywhere i am. That will probably soon get irritating, but it's fab at the moment.

I feel v embarrassed about admitting all this though, so will skulk away now.

Beautiful, it sounds like your book is a bit like The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I kind of agree with some of it too (but don't admit to it because lots of people are feminists and very against it). I also like the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and Why Men don't listen and Women can't read maps books. I really do think that men and women are very different and communicate in different ways and interpret things differently. Someone mentioned in a thread a while back about speaking different love languages and I agree with that too. The things that make you feel loved are not the same things that make him feel loved.

You have found that when you have changed what you do according to these books he has changed and I have also found that my DH is happier and treats me more how I want to be treated since I took on board some of what I read in these books. Isn't this a bit of proof that these theories have something in them?

I wouldn't go to an extreme and be a complete doormat but I do think that doing a bit of it helps. I feel that, in a way, in modern society, men are not allowed to be men by their women who insist the sexes are the same. Then when they don't act so manly 'in the bedroom' some of us complain!

HAHAHAHAHA
Beautiful, I'm glad you've found a solution that works for you. But - and I was talking to Mr Inferior about this - I really don't think you can say Men Want Admiration, Women Want Love. I personally thrive on a spot of admiration. One of the things that makes me happy about my relationship is that my partner respects my work (as previous blokes haven't) and me for doing it.

Men and women - people - want to feel liked, appreciated, fancied, not taken for granted, and (to some extent) taken care of. That makes us human.

Well i just got in and I am having to put dinner on now. DW got in earlier, fed kids, homework, washed them, put them to bed, and now she has to do some of the work she had to bring home with her. She doesn't have to work but overall it is a better (altho' difficult) balance for her.

... I can see the attraction of having an admiring SAHM greet me with a wine glass in front of a warm fire. Most of us would say yes please!

Obviously yes, it's nice to have all the domestic stuff done for you.

But, er, the past few decades happened and along with them an assumption that women didn't have to do all that stuff as a matter of course.

Keep talkng Dittany...."20 ways..." can't be too bad a read

Dittany- you obviously haven't bought the post-feminism line