Anyone read The Rules for Marriage ...

[redhotredhead]

... by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, same women who wrote The Rules and if so what did you think? Am just reading it at the mo and though I can see that some of these rules actually do work in practice, am railing against doing some of them just because, well why the hell should I?!

Here are some of them:

• give him 15 mins alone when he comes home
• don't expect a lot of sympathy
• don't scream, speak softly
• don't force him to talk
• do things you don't want to do
• don't complain about the kids
• don't expect applause for doing chores
• let him win

give him 15 mins alone when he comes home

• don't expect a lot of sympathy
• don't scream, speak softly
• don't force him to talk
• do things you don't want to do
• don't complain about the kids
• don't expect applause for doing chores
• let him win

My OH gets home a good hour before me! This rule seems to assume that the husband comes in from a hard days hunting while the wife is already at home making everything 'nice'

Of course no one should scream!

Notamummyyetbutoneday, you forgot

Give him a blow job in the stationary cupboard

notamumyet, that's interesting. If my dh is feeling taken for granted, he asks me to treat me as I would my friends, with the same sort of examples you've posted about re. colleagues, and much as I hate to admit it, he has a point.

Bit of Fun sounds like you live up to your name!

When wasd this written - 1800???

Almost as good as the list from the 1950s that advised wives to put on a clean pinny, bruch hair, put in a new ribbon and freshen make up before he comes home from work. Also advises you to keep the kids quiet and hand him a drink and his slippers as he walks through the door.

I haven't read it but I think the 'Let Them Win' Rule probably refers to things like Scrabble, tennis, cardgames or whatever.

• give him 15 mins alone when he comes home

Obviously can work both ways, but it makes sense not to bombard someone with trivial chores and updates every time they walk through the door.

• don't expect a lot of sympathy

Works both ways. Man flu gets little sympathy too.

• don't scream, speak softly

That is good advice, nobody really listens to your points if you scream them.

• don't force him to talk

About what? If he was giving the silent treatment or in a huff I would force him to talk.

• do things you don't want to do

Good advice, within reason. Obviously no need to do stuff you really don't want to do.

• don't complain about the kids

eh? how to avoid that? I hopfully won't use my mother's "wait till your father gets home" stock threat though.

• don't expect applause for doing chores

Because nobody notices that chores get done. When they don't get done, everyone notices.

• let him win

At what? No way will I let him beat me at scrabble. Or when I know I am right, which is often

Load of old cobblers. It seems to me that these books, along with 'Mars and Venus' are basically peddling the same shite, ie, that men are rubbish and we should change our own behaviour so that we stop making them feel bad for being rubbish.

The Rules is a dangerous book imo because it basically teaches you how to act (ie instead of just being yourself) in order to force a man - any man - to marry you.

As if all you want in life is a ring and a different surname, no matter what you have to do to get it.

I think some of The Rules work very well when dating, but getting all the way up the aisle without letting him see the real you is a recipe for disaster.

Agree with Morris. What the hell is the point of having a partner if you can't frequently occasionally reveal the Real You, in all the shoutiness that this entails?

Mr Inferior has both impregnated me and seen me give birth. I reckon those entitle me to a spot of occasional bellowing.

I like what somebody said about treating your DH like your colleagues and friends because it is true that people often treat other people better than their DH mainly because they feel they can't get away with it with anyone but DH. But he deserves to be treated with as much respect as everyone else.

I agree with what someone else said that if you marry someone when they have never seen the real you because you've been acting the whole time in order to follow the rules then they aren't really marrying you are they, just an old fashioned fictional ideal (except it isn't really ideal is it).

I agree with some of the rules though eg not bombarding men with a load of trivial problems - they don't enjoy talking about all that like women do so save it for your women friends.

Some things that men are rubbish at eg sympathy, I think we should teach them if we want it, even if it means telling them word for word what you would like them to say!

As for don't expect applause for chores I SO don't agree! I think many women, especially SAHMs are undervalued and unnappreciated. Just this weekend my FIL was criticising me for not doing something and he said "What do you do all day, nothing!" God this made me mad! I think DH is influenced by what PIL's think even if he denies it so today I've written down everything I have done, like a to do list, except I've done the things first then written them and crossed them out. It's so boring I wouldn't list it all out loud if DH asked me about my day but when he asked me just to be polite what I had done today I just showed him the list. I felt good that he could see how much I had done (easier to see from a long list on a piece of paper than by me droning on for ages while he pretends to listen while staring at the TV) and he could see that I haven't done 'nothing' and been 'lazy'. I told him I was upset about what his dad said and that I wanted much more appreciation for being a SAHM from now on!

I think I do show him appreciation for what he does (earns all the money, pays all the bills, organises all the finances, good at DIY, does most of the driving, services in the bedroom ) and I don't ask him to do much at home because he does his fair share with his stressful job. I just want him to see that I do MY fair share as well and am just as important in the partnership.

Didn't one or both of those authors have marriages that failed spectacularly? Doesn't say an awful lot of good about those Rules for Marriage.

I read the Rules (for snaring a bloke) and it was teaching women to be elusive and a 'creature unlike any other' (or some other tripe) and not wait by the phone or accept dates set up at the last minute. So why is it that once the bloke is duly snared, the wife now has to behave like a doormat??

They are both insane.

I don't want to treat my dh like I'd treat a colleague! I don't hang out naked with colleagues (not these days, at any rate) or have any sort of intimacy with them, so if dh started complaining I'd not taken enough trouble with my hair I'd be spitting.

And I don't want Rules for me to enforce upon us. Love, respect, understanding and being united seem to pretty much cover it.

I'm reading a book that's even harder-core 1950s than that one! And it's bloody excellent. It's "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin, and you'd all slate it here. But I'm loving it, and DH is too.

Why NOT make him feel like no.1 at home? Why NOT make him feel important, admired, respected, in charge?

On Mumsnet there are a lot of posts about "my DH never helps round the house", "My DH forgets my birthday", "my DP won't propose", "My Dh is texting other women/having an affair", but nothing at all on relationship books, or trying to be nicer wives... I think there's a connection. I really do.

On here, the attitude seems to be that women should leave their DH, rather than try anything even vaguely old-fashioned to improve the situation. I'd rather follow a 1950s self-help book than drag my kids through a divorce.

Oh, beautiful, what tosh.
There are a feck of a lot of posts from women who are working REALLY REALLY hard to make relationships work in really difficult circumstances, some of whom fail. I don't see the moaning ones.

Why Not make him feel like number 1? Because that's not a marriage of equals. It's like having a dog. It's patronising and disingenuous, for both of you.

A dog? I don't get you. Is it patronising to make your man feel important? I would think that's only true if you don't feel your DH is important, in which case, why did you marry him? (Not you specifically! Just in general.)

About the "marriage of equals" comment -- I think these 50s marriages are equal. But we crave/need different things. Wives crave love and men crave admiration. When we give men what they want, they give us what we want.

Of course you should make your OH feel important, but it goes both ways.
Books like these are a heap of steaming shite, unfair to women and to men too.
And yes, one of the writer's relationships broke down - no loody wonder, trying to keep that up.

50's marriages equal?
How?

and why say 'wives' and 'men'. Surely it is 'women' and 'men' or are we only to be defined by our marital status while men exist in their own right?

lol, I'm off on one now, aren't I?

Eh???

My partner - to whom admittedly I am not married (although please note this is not for want of proposals, featuring rings and what-have-you) doesn't AFAIK crave admiration. He wants to be loved. And liked. And indeed to live with a woman who doesn't let him get away with being an @rse (he's said this, several times). I don't want to make him feel 'important' or 'number one'. Not least because I'd end up hating and resenting being his subloodyordinate.

exactly, MI.
My dh wants love as much as I do.

'Why NOT make him feel important, admired, respected, in charge?'

ROFL.

Beautiful - What MI said.

And sorry, but what has being a domestic slob got to do with the 'niceness' or otherwise of one's wife?