My mother ....................... shall I make the first move???

[mosschops30]

Went to my mums last week, she was moaning as usual (which is fair enough as shes caring for my father). I do try and be supportive but it was relentless and she was blatantly manipulating saying things like 'you obvisouly dont care about me because youre leaving early in the morning' (er no just dont want to do the 3 hour drive in rush hour traffic).

Anyway I tried to lighten the mood and said something silly and she lashed out with a comment about when I was not myself a couple of months ago, it was a cheap shot and she knew it. I packed quietly and she came in and said sorry but I wasnt ready to just kiss and make up and said so.

I left and we havent spoken since, Im still very upset and angry that she threw that back in my face and it hurt a lot. She has just paid money into my account that I owe to my father (which was planned before this), but she still hasnt made any contact.

Question is, where do I go from here??

Make up.

She's already apologised.
The ball is in your court really.

I don't know.

what do you want?

Do you WANT her in your life, or do you feel like you SHOULD have her in your life because she happens to be your mother and society expects that people maintain contact with relatives regardless of whether they are nice people or not? Is she a person you would seek out to be in your life if she was NOT your mother? Do you value her in your life, or do you feel driven by guilt? If she was not your mother, would you want her as your mother? IYSWIM.

I do love her and I know she loves me, but she is very manipulative and that pisses me off. But no I wouldnt choose her as a friend, but hey who chooses their relatives, we just love them regardless
I absoluetly want her in my life, there have been times this week when I have missed phoning to tell her something random.
But I am hurt and upset that she could use that particular incident as a stick to beat me with.
We are supposed to be going to Dublin together next week for a mini-break but not sure if we can get out of this before then

ok. then it's worth working hard on.

I think with people like that, you just have to be straight. Lay out the rules and pull them up when they overstep the mark - and refuse to be manipulated, even if that means saying "Please don't try to manipulate me".

I think perhaps telling her that she hurt you a LOT by throwing X in your face and that she had better not EVER do anything like that again, if she values your relationship. And see what she has to say about that?

Phone her and make up. It's not going to get any easier if you leave it.

I know its hard enough now. I think I will send a txt saying thank you for the money and ask if shes looking forward to dublin?
Then just say that I was hurt and that it cant happen again.
Does that sound ok?

Thanks for everyones comments btw, as always I needed a bit of MN sense

that sounds really good- a subtle olive branch. i hope it works out.

I think that sounds good. At any rate, it puts the ball back in her court.

To maintain a relationship with a manipulator, you must become a very assertive person, be straight and challenge always! It's the only way! (Well, unless you want to bottle it all up and then finally snap and bury them in the garden )

lol I am quite straight unfortunately doesnt always do me any good

thank you, think I'll txt tomorrow

cowardly custard.

If she is caring for your father then I would ask also if she is getting any support from any care agencies. She is likely having a hard time but that does not give her carte blanche to take out her unhappiness on you. You would not tolerate such ill treatment from a friend, your Mum is no different.

Do not send a text message to your Mother. Text messages are completely hopeless in such circumstances and is a cop out for you. You need to confront her properly and that does not involve a text message. Such messages as well can be misinterpreted and you cannot put across your tone of voice; this is too important for a bloody text message.

If you want to re-open the lines of communication then speak to each other. You must also establish clear boundaries with her.

Well I am seething with anger, I need to tell you what she said to me, and you can honestly say if Im over reacting or if she is out of order.

I sent a txt saying thank you for the money and was she still up for Dublin.
She txt back saying what the money was for (which i knew already) and that she wanted to go to dublin but that we needed to talk
I txt back saying I didnt want to hash over it I just wanted some assurance that it would happen again. At which point I would have expected a txt saying something along the lines of 'yes lets forget it, Im sorry, lets move on and enjoy dublin' but oh no, as usual here is what I got

'I did say sorry and I meant it, I am under pressure and thats why i said it. U may have been hurt but so am I.there are times when we all say things we shouldnt. I did apologise but then you said to not turn on the tears, I was crying because of all i have to put up with, we have all said things we dont mean'.

To which i replied that its always her get out clause and that lots of people are stressed but you cant use it as an excuse, I also said I felt that Dublin wasnt going to be the big exciting girly trip we'd planned.

Two more messages followed along the lines of 'if you could only say mum lets forget all this' and 'I am so hurt, my mum said terrible things at times but she was my mum so I ignored it, I have always stuck up for you, I was so looking forward to Dublin, I dont think as a mum i deserve this, I am going to cancel your fathers nursing home'

I am seething

oh and right now, if she was a friend and not my mother, then no I would never speak to her again!!!

Text messages are a crap way to communicate anything subtle. Why don't you ring her? When you are feeling less angry.

She did apologise at the time though, didn't she?

Maybe she expected a text similar to the one you wanted eg: let's both forget it, and move on, and have a good holiday.

I don't know, I'm just trying to see both sides of the coin.

VersdeSociete is right re texts not being the best way to communicate in these situations. You need to speak to her by telephone, or face to face.

It is your call - but make sure you are comfortable with your behaviour for any event.

you only have one in life and they are not their forever - friends you can fall out with and replace with another more suitable (I dont mean that glibly)

Mosschops, to be honest, what you report her as having texted does not sound that heinous, although only you can know the full context. A sometimes difficult but sometimes rewarding relationship with a parent is not that unusual and is really probably better than no relationship. You know that; you've said it already on this thread.

Sounds like she is doing the whole Yeah what I did was wrong but I have apologised and anyway what you did/are doing is even worse, so deal with it.

Very wrong for both you to have used texting for communicating in this situation.

so what do I do now. I cannot bear to speak to her, will end up saying something I regret.
I have already txted and said that just because my gran did it doesnt make it ok and that using what happened to me as a stick to beat me with is terrible.
She txt back saying 'nothing I can say to that' and I was relieved because right now I want to strangle her

Moss, please plase stop texting. Versde is right. It wounds like important information is being relayed so speaking or writing a letter/email would at least allow each of you to express yourselves fully.

Re the going to Dublin. I have a slightly strained relationship wiht my Dad, love him dearly but wouldn't want to go away for a weekend with him. Probably too late to cancel this trip but maybe you should save your minibreaks to go with friends as it sounds like a slightly charged weekend for both of you.

texting is v. shit.

hecate, thanks for this bloody excellent answer that i know was for OP but has made things a lot clearer this end too

"I don't know.

what do you want?

Do you WANT her in your life, or do you feel like you SHOULD have her in your life because she happens to be your mother and society expects that people maintain contact with relatives regardless of whether they are nice people or not? Is she a person you would seek out to be in your life if she was NOT your mother? Do you value her in your life, or do you feel driven by guilt? If she was not your mother, would you want her as your mother? IYSWIM."

Mooschops, your mother sounds a lot more resonable than a lot of unresonable mothers if that makes sense?
She will take the criticism to some extent, and you can work with that?

I see hecate's point but I think one puts up with crap from family sometimes because there are compensating factors and there is soemthing very terrible about cutting someone out of your life. Life could get very lonely if you cut out everyone who ever behaved badly. I think you need to wait until you are feeling calm and speak to her, mosschops.