My mother ....................... shall I make the first move???

[mosschops30]

Went to my mums last week, she was moaning as usual (which is fair enough as shes caring for my father). I do try and be supportive but it was relentless and she was blatantly manipulating saying things like 'you obvisouly dont care about me because youre leaving early in the morning' (er no just dont want to do the 3 hour drive in rush hour traffic).

Anyway I tried to lighten the mood and said something silly and she lashed out with a comment about when I was not myself a couple of months ago, it was a cheap shot and she knew it. I packed quietly and she came in and said sorry but I wasnt ready to just kiss and make up and said so.

I left and we havent spoken since, Im still very upset and angry that she threw that back in my face and it hurt a lot. She has just paid money into my account that I owe to my father (which was planned before this), but she still hasnt made any contact.

Question is, where do I go from here??

Talk, don't text. It is quite an impersonal way to communicate. My mum was quite foul to another member of the family before she died (unexpectedly) and I don't think she'll ever get over it. I really think that she thought she had time to make it up (mum was going through a rough time and was lashing out at the one person who was closest to her), but unfortunately that didn't happen.

She is your mum, and if you have had a good/ok/reasonable relationship over the years, please do call and clear the air. She is your mum and so you need to give her some leaway (as we hope our kids will do for us when we get old and crotchety).

I think the older generation do have the old fashioned concept of 'respect for age', which we do have to demonstrate now and then to make them feel valued and respected, even if we don't feel like it.

Try to enjoy the good things about having your folks around - trust me, when they are gone you will miss them every day and regret any bad feelings.

I know what youre all saying but I am so angry right now. Im not sure going to Dublin would be the best solution, I think it would be strained and false as I dont think Im all of a sudden going to feel better about this in a week.

Of course I dont want to cut her out of my life or out of ds and dds life, but I dont think I can return to that level of closeness and fabulous mother/daughter relationship which she craves so badly.

Agree with you mosschops, it could be a tough weekend and it does sound like you shouldn't be organising any future trips together as you do seem to rub each other up the wrong way.

However I think to cancel it now would be very hurtful to your mother. Also meany that I am, would you lose money if you didn't go ?

Why don't you leave the whole thing until tomorrow, and that means no more texts !

'I did say sorry and I meant it, I am under pressure and thats why i said it. U may have been hurt but so am I.there are times when we all say things we shouldnt. I did apologise but then you said to not turn on the tears, I was crying because of all i have to put up with, we have all said things we dont mean'.

Hun at this point I think you should have let it go. Life's too short. Your mum is clearly hurting and so are you, if you didn't mean the world to each other neither of you would be this upset. You can only be manipulated if you allow yourself to be manipulated. Learn to develop a healthy sense of humor about the things that annoy you. Decide what your boudaries are, stick to them and be open, honest and conssitent about them in your dealings with your mum. This should hopefully help you to belittle the prooblems in your mind so you can move on without constantly looking out for the next 'issue'.

I think you should PHONE her and MAKE yourself tell her you love her - you clearly do - after that everythings easy.

Ok well i havent spoken to her since then. I have cancelled the hotel room (no charge) and also cancelled flights (lost £16 but thats no big deal). I really couldnt go with her and pretend to be happy, we would end up killing each other. I know she'll be gutted but so am I, tough luck. If she hadnt said what she did we would still be going.

So now I want to say, lets forget it and move on, I want to start re-building our relationship. But right now I cannot bear to phone her, I dont even want to hear her whiney voice yes Im still mad

Seems to me that you want there to be a problem! She has said sorry, has explained why she said what she did and you acknowledge that she's under stress. You may not like it, but stress does make you do and say things you don't mean. If she is caring for your dad, that is hard on her and she needs to feel supported. Life is very hard on those who care for others, it is not only the physical stuff, but the mental anguish of seeing someone you love suffer. My mum looked after my dad for many years until he had to go into hospital where he sadly died. It wasn't until then that we all, her included, realised what a terrible toll it had tatken on her as well. It is only now, 2 years on, that she is getting back to anything like her normal self. Stop being so tough on your mum, she has a hard life and could do with your unconditional love and support now, not your childish strop!

Im sorry but where was my unconditional love? Its not a childish strop I am really hurt by what she said to me, if it was anyone else I wouldnt consider ever speaking to them again.
Im stressed, have just completed my 3 year degree, whilst running a home, looking after two children, starting a full time stressful job working 12 hour shifts which almost floored me when I started (physically and mentally).
I dont go around throwing things at people hurting them because Im stressed!

how would you like your mother to treat you if the situation were reversed?

Gosh Moss - you do still sound really angry.

You say "I dont go around ... hurting people because I am stressed." Are you sure this isnt what you are doing now?

Im not deliberately hurting her, and Im not not speasking to her because Im stressed, Im not speaking to her because she hurt me and right now I cant get past it.

Ok so if I said to my mother 'well you wouldnt have to be caring for my stepfather if you hadnt left my dad' would that be acceptable? Thats on a par with what she said to me. Of course its not ok to say things like that, why would it enter anyones head?, but thats the kind of thing Im working against here, it wasnt just hurtful it was a direct personal attack

I am a long time lurker who has never posted before, but what you've described here totally struck a chord with me. I've had an on-going situation with my mum since last autumn, because she said something very hurtful which I initially found very hard to forget. I'm not sure she ever apologised, but if she did it would have been in a way that made it quite clear that she didn't think she should have to. I don't agree with the posters who say you should let it go. Actually, maybe deep down I do agree with them, but I know how hard it is when you're genuinely hurt & don't think your feelings are being acknowledged. I also think that texting might be the "wrong" way to communicate, but if you can't bring yourself to talk to your mum(which I couldn't) then maybe it's better than a stony silence? I don't think I'm just a bitter person bearing a grudge (& I doubt you are), but I do think I'd find it easier to move on if she'd accepted how hurtful her behaviour was. My mum & I also used to be close, & she's been a "good" mum. We have practically no relationship at the minute & it's been like this for a year. If I described everything she'd done to upset me so much everyone would say I was over-reacting & should make the effort to build the bridges. The fact is though, that now I hardly ever speak to her I don't have that stress & upset in my life. It's easier to just avoid the situation. As far as useful advice goes I clearly haven't offered you any (sorry!), but I think I understand how you're feeling pretty well & just wanted to offer a bit of solidarity. Being the bigger person & making up might be the "right" thing for you to do, but it's bloody hard when you're still smarting & (I think?) still angry that whilst your mum may have apologised she's also tried to excuse her behaviour & pass the blame. I also totally agree that most of us bite back the hurtful comments, but when your mum seems to think it's ok to come out with them, that's hard to get past (I actually said to my mum that the world would be a weird place if everyone just came out with what was in their head, as she seems to think it's ok to do to me!) I hope you can get past this & sort it out. Good luck!

thank you for that great post, its nice to hear from someone who sort of knows how I feel, and a lot of what youve described is true in my situation.
I hope we dont let it go on and on, and I think it would be a shame, and although like yours she is a 'good' mum in lots of ways, lots of those nice things have manipulative undertones (giving money etc even when not asked for).

I dont really understand the logic behind those of you who say I should just ring her and forget it. Do you manage to do that so easily when someone has hurt you and used something very personal against you, this was not a throwaway comment like 'your hair is bad' or 'i dont agree with the fact you dont feed the children red meat' which i put up with and doesnt bother me.

I think after reading that last post I might just txt and say that Im sorry this happened but I dont want to go away next week and hopefully we can move forward at some point

why are you texting? It really is an awful way to communicate. Either phone or maybe write her a letter or an email if you are too mad to talk. I think you both need to step back from this a bit, you're both upset and angry.

sorry you are so upset by this but to an outside your side of the texts sound just as manipulative as you think she is...

telling her "I felt that Dublin wasnt going to be the big exciting girly trip we'd planned." possibly feels like emotional blackmail to her - ie tell me what I want to hear or I won;t go with you. If she is caring for your dad and generally having a shit time then perhaps she really was looking forward to going away with you and you giving out veiled threats about wihtdrawing probably sent her off the deep end.

I really don't have any idea whether you are reasonable to be so angry with her, but I do agree that texting is a rubbish and disrespectful wasy to resolve any differences with anyone let alone you mother.

I am also slightly shocked that you have already cancelled evreything wihtout telling her yet.

for the last time 'HOW DOES BEING A CARER ABSOLVE YOU OF BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING TO OTHER PEOPLE'?????????????
I know its hard, but I come into contact with people evry day who are having a much worse time of it than my mother and they dont abuse me!

I have already told her I was caneclling it, in fact she told me heself first that she was cancelling the nursing home (another manipulative idea as the home was already booked, he goes every 6 weeks).
I cant go round, she lives 200 miles away

You asked where do you go from here, but when people are telling you to make the first move and to be conciliatory, you don't like it. It therefore seems to me that what you actually want is for everyone to validate your reaction to whatever she said and to 'be on your side'. No, you are right, being a carer does not absolve you of being a decent human being, bit it does explain why , at times, somebody might not be that decent. You have no idea what her life is like compared to other people. Since you are 200 miles away, you are not around to help her when she is at her lowest, and trust me, carers do get low. I know how hard I found it to support my mum when she was caring for my dad (step-dad),and I live close by. The fact is, I wasn't there all through the night, every night like she was, I wasn't the one who couldn't just pop out for a walk when I wanted/needed to, I wasn't the one who would wake up every morning dreading walking into his room in case he hadn't made it through the night. And even when we could get him into respite, I wasn't the one who dreaded it every time the phone rang, in case it was THAT phone call and I hadn't been there with him! And neither are you! Frankly, you sound very self centred, 'what about me, me, me ?' in all you responses. Your mum has apologised already. If you can't accept it and move on, maybe she is better off without you at the moment. As for cancelling the weekend, to be honest, it sounds like its for the best as you don't sound like someone who would be fun to be with right now!

frankly sayhowitis you sound like a bit of a arse too so now we're equal. Im self centred and youre an arse who can only see things from your point of view.
Thanks for the input, but her situation is completely different to your mothers

Yes, you are right. My mother's situation is different because she has a daughter who understands that sometimes things get said in the heat of the moment and is able to not let it affect the relationship, whilst your mother has a daughter whose response when she doesn't hear what she wants to hear, is to become abusive!

I think the problem here is that you can't possibly give enough background for people to understand how you're feeling, & I'm fairly certain that if I did go into detail about my situation people would be saying pretty much the same to me as they're saying to you. (my mum was also under a lot of stress at the time). The way I see it is this - you're UPSET. That's what you need help getting over. I'm bloody upset with my mum too, because she hurt my feelings & from where I'm sitting she doesn't give a toss. I WANT to get over it, because she's my mum, & she's been a good mum (though a human being, so she's stuffed some things up from time to time!) We were close, & I want to still be close. I'm just finding it hard to let go of how hurt I feel that my mum (who does a million things for other people, who was the first person I called with stupid bits of news about the kids) could be so careless with my feelings.

If it was as simple as forgetting it & moving on I guess you would have done that already (& so would I!)

I think cancelling the trip was the right thing to do, because the way you're feeling being forced together for even a couple of days could have ended badly. I'm lucky because my mum is close by & so I can see her for small amounts of time & then leave if it starts to feel tense.

Mostly what I have done is forced myself to see her, & forced myself to call her (though I have to be feeling quite brave!)The more I pretend everything's normal, the more normal it seems. I try not to, but I do find myself dwelling on what she said & getting upset about it all over again. It's not healthy, but it's hard not to do it.

TBH, before all this happened with my mum I would have probably been one of those people thinking you should swallow it & move on. I think deep down it's what you want to do, you just don't know how (& neither do I!)

Mother/daughter relationships can be so complex, & it's kind of impossible for people who don't know you to appreciate how deep the hurt can be. I think the only other thing I can say is that I know my mum's hurt too & I really regret that. She's selfish & also quite manipulative (in a "nice" & quite subtle way), but I guess no one's perfect. I'm not sure I'll ever stop being upset at what she said, & I would (I hope!) find it easier to forgive her if I thought she was actually sorry. I'm trying to just accept that it's the way she is. I have to say though that the more I pretend to be normal the easier it gets, & also that when I'm talking to her I find it easier to remember that I love her. When I avoid her for a couple of weeks I find I focus more on being hurt & upset... I really do have to force myself to call though (which is sad, cos I used to call her a lot & then talk about nothing for ages!)

Hmmmm - seem to have managed to use loads of words without any of them being very useful to you (again!). Personally I would keep texting her, but not to try to get her to accept how you're feeling - if she hasn't done that by now she's probably not going to, (& if you're anything like me, every time you fail to explain how upset you are, you'll get a bit more upset). I'd keep them fairly casual & friendly, but it'll keep the lines of communication open until you feel like you can talk to her again.

I just want to give you a hug. I am going through something very similar with my own mum at the moment and know how much of a toll it takes on you. I wish i could just find the courage to ring her and keep telling myself just to do it and get it over with but like you something is holding me back. I hope you are ok and things work themselves out very soon.

Thanks, and yes I know what you mean. Although I want to call her, I just cant. I know that she will end up making me feel guilty and it will end up being my fault. I dont know how to make the first move without it being odd and strained but then the longer it goes on the worse it becomes. I think about it all the time and its getting me down, wish I could forget it all.
isitwineoclock, although things are not right for you and your mum yet, how did you make the first move?

Mossy, make the first move by writing her a letter or sending a card with a note inside.

I know how you feel. I've done all of those things - and yet my parents still blank me and the DD's right off. Mum never apologised and Dad took her side. Am I such a terrible person for asking her not to smoke in my home? It's been 15 months of silence now, and the long it gets left, the harder things become.

Write that letter. State clearly how you feel and take it from there.
Life is too short.

Let us know how you get on.

Oh purpleone Im so sorry about that, really over smoking??? Of course you were right, its your house = your rules and I dont think your request was unreasonable anyway for anyone.

I just seem to be getting angrier (sp?) by the day, she hasnt once phoned to speak to the dc's and even if she didnt want to phone here she could txt dd.

Im still not ready to write a letter, I just want to say that I miss all the silly stuff, but I hope we can be friends again but that she has to get rid of this 'woe is me' attitude first because its draining, even when my uncle died of a brain tumour she thought my aunty was 'lucky' because he didnt have a degenerative disease all these things are just building up and making it worse

I hate to say it but it sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
You are both leading stressful lives at the moment and instead of competing against each other over who has more stress why can't you cut each other a bit of slack and be a bir more supportive and caring towards each other.
OK she said something horrible to you, but she did apologise, and when she cried you said "don't turn on the tears" Then you both used cancelling the Dublin trip as a way to hurt each other.
You sound as manipulative as each other imho.