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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have just given the OW a real talking to on the phone !!!!

81 replies

elastamum · 02/11/2008 21:56

I have been away for the weekend and left kids with H. Came back to be told by him that OW (who has been involved in the break down of our relationship)had dropped in for a cup of tea this afternoon!!. I had told H in no uncertain terms that I wasnt prepared to expose our poor kids to this, especially when they are still really unsettled about what has happened to them. I gave H a real bollocking and have rung OW and told her in no uncertain terms to stay away from my family or I will come and have a chat with her H. She is still married and intends to stay with her H and kids. My H is just a fling, she didnt seem to realise I am now divorcing him for adultery! She has just rung back in tears to try to apologise, I think she is now scared shitless. Am fuming Help me calm down!!!

OP posts:
QuintessentialGunpowderPlot · 02/11/2008 23:36

Dont give OW the option to come clean. Just tell her husband.

But the result of that may be that your dh and OW bond "for good".

Original poster
elastamum · 02/11/2008 23:37

Thanks QA et al. Am off to the bath with my ipod. Am just a little bit drunk but feel soooo much better

OP posts:
Earlybird · 03/11/2008 01:57

So sorry you're going through this, and sorry for your dc too.

Is her dh's cancer terminal? The cynic in me wonders if she plans to stay married to her dh so she'll inherit when he dies. Obviously, he might leave a very different will if he knew she was unfaithful.

LadyLaGore · 03/11/2008 02:05

ow and exh are obviously v wrong to have been cheating.

but them having a cup of tea in front of the kids is hardly dragging them into adult shit. maybe the kids havent the foggiest whats goign on? they will have now tho...

Tortington · 03/11/2008 02:08

dont believe that the husband is ill with cancer - esp if she told you or your dh did

playing you i'd reckon.

HappyWoman · 03/11/2008 07:15

I think you should tell her h - in my h affair ow h found out and did not tell me - i was cross at him for that. I phoned him to tell him when i knew and was nice to him but still wish he had told me.

They are not your responsibilty of course but surely you would have wanted to know so surely he desreves that too.

pramspotter · 03/11/2008 09:27

Does this bitch know that you were enocuraged by your H to quit your job and move miles away from friends and family only to be abandoned by him shortly after?

Tell her husband. Everything.

mankymummy · 03/11/2008 09:32

if she lives a long way away and "popped in for a cup of tea", either she is very keen or else he's lying and it was more than that.

...or maybe i'm just a suspicious old bat...

VinegarTits · 03/11/2008 09:49

Farking ell she dropped into your house for a cuppa while you were out! what a cheeky fecking mare, not only has she ruined your marriage, but she is happily carrying on with her own marriage, and has the cheek to think she can drop in for tea and chats with your H while your kids are there and you are out, talk about taking the piss, what a hard faced bitch, i would not only be giving her a swift kick in the fanjo, i would also be telling her H

Original poster
elastamum · 03/11/2008 10:35

She dropped into his house not mine, she rang and said she was passing and he invited her round. He told me because he thought the kids would mention it and he knew that I had already said that it wasnt appropriate as they are findig it hard enough to adapt to Mum and Dad living apart. My eldest in particular doesnt miss anything and will have wondered who she was. I am trying so hard to rebuild a decent life for me and the kids and H doesnt really give a shit about anything but himself. I gave him such a bollocking last night about his selfish behaviour and his rubbish values (not in the house in front of the kids - thank god for top gear!) for once he left speechless with tears in his eyes

OP posts:
mankymummy · 03/11/2008 10:37

I understand you being upset but the DCs will probably have to meet her at some stage if he's carrying on seeing her.

Can she not be daddys friend for the time being?

Original poster
elastamum · 03/11/2008 10:43

I have said to H if he (or me!!)has a long term relationship then we should discusss and agree who they will meet and how they will be introduced. What I dont want is a series of women through their lives, particularly at the moment when they are quite insecure and finding life tough. This woman has a husband and kids of her own and no intention of leaving them. She is just after a shag!

OP posts:
QuintessentialGunpowderPlot · 03/11/2008 10:44

Bear in mind, if she is scared shitless, and apologetic, it is not because she has any regards for your feelings, it is because she is worried for herself. She has gone into full "damage limitation mode".

If she did not know that you and your dh are divorcing over this, this knowledge is seriously going to rock her boat, as NOW your husband is free to pursue her full time, and she wont like that as he may up his stakes, and this way ruin HER marriage.

You should tell her husband, she is an insensitive callous bitch.

Also, dont forget to name her as the adulteress on your divorce papers.

She is pleading the cancer card, in an attempt to prevent you to talk to her husband.

Do tell him.

There are women like that everywhere.

An aquaintence (sp) of mine is divorcing. She has 4 children. Her husband had an affair with a mum in her oldest childs class (year 1)!! She wont uproot her child from school, so has to see OW every day. OW is happily continueing her marriage as her husband "knows what she is like".

mankymummy · 03/11/2008 11:13

totally understand the string of women thing... have you asked him if he's going to carry on seeing this woman?

quinne · 03/11/2008 11:18

If you tell him (the OW's husband) then tell him for his sake and not for revenge. Personally i'd be tempted to take revenge by holding it as an axe poised over her neck

Original poster
elastamum · 03/11/2008 11:18

He told me he had stopped seeing her and that she was no longer on the scene. He was lying of course and knows I didnt believe him at the time

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 03/11/2008 12:27

I toatally understand about not wanting her to be a part of the childrens lives - of course one day she may be if she does leave her husband - but untl such a time i think you have every right to have some say in what the children are exposed to and he should respect that too.

after all you are both still parents and should be doing the right thing by your children not him dictacting what is right or wrong.

Do make sure her h finds out somehow - he may not thank you now but surely will in the future.

Did she not leave her knickers or something that may need to be returned????.

Itsthawooluff · 03/11/2008 12:36

Sorry, but although I think you are wholly justified in feeling angry, and in wanting to make her life unhappy, and in holding the threat over her, I don't think you should actually tell her husband if he is ill. I think he probably has enough on his plate already, without knowing what a prize * he is married to.

Alexa808 · 03/11/2008 12:38

YANBU

I'd tell the poor H. We only have one life to live. Why does his have to be spent with a deceiving bitch?

Would deffo name her in divorce papers as OW and make it public knowledge.

Hope your dc are okay. x

Original poster
elastamum · 03/11/2008 12:39

As much as I would like him to know, I cant live with myself for willfully wrecking the lives of another innocent family, especially knowing how hard it has been on us. The problem is that H knows that too and I think they are both using this to manipulate me

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 03/11/2008 12:40

Yeah right her husband probably doesn't have cancer she knows that throwing that one into the mix is going to stop you telling him what a whore she is!

NotDoingTheHousework · 03/11/2008 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialGunpowderPlot · 03/11/2008 12:46

But elastamum, YOU are not wrecking their lives and their family, SHE, the OW, is!!!

nightmarehell · 03/11/2008 12:59

elastamum I am so sorry for your situation
I agree with your last post 12.39

how do we cope with such situations? well I dont think we really do.

some people fair better than others but we all get damaged by it.

I worry too about my child in a difficult situation.

You want to protect them from all of this but at the same time I important to express the emotions you are going through because whatever they are it is natures way of getting through the present situation.

Please stay strong and calm I know this is difficult in the present situation.

keep posting it is helping me through these darkest days

thinking of you and your children for your future happiness and security

ambercat · 03/11/2008 13:25

Elastamum, i know if my hs ow had a husband there is no way i would have been able to hold myself back from telling him. Why should she escape the consequences of her actions?

I think you have been very restrained so far (have read your previous threads) you deserve the chance to be angry, maybe your h will finally realise what an arse he is.

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