Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I an adultress???

26 replies

Nickinha · 30/10/2008 11:33

Hi everyone - I need honest opinion.

My husband and I split up two years ago, got back briefly but it did not work out, I have been living in another country far away from him for a year now.

We still have to get officially divorced.

I have met someone else and am seeing him on a casual basis - does that make me an adultress? My "husband" seems to think so. We dont ever speak to each other unless its to discuss our dd.

OP posts:

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 30/10/2008 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

memoo · 30/10/2008 11:34

hell no! You're entitled to move on

mrsmaidamess · 30/10/2008 11:34

No of course not!

technically maybe...but I would consider you 'an adultress' (how old fashioned that sounds) if you were playing away while still in a relationship with your dh.

Tortington · 30/10/2008 11:34

nope

i bet he has kept his dick in his pants

mishymoo · 30/10/2008 11:34

I don't see how can you be if you're separated but "technically" I suppose you are still married.

tiredemma · 30/10/2008 11:34

So your XH is living a celibate life is he?

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs · 30/10/2008 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ivvvvyygootscaaared444 · 30/10/2008 11:34

yes it does, but that surely is a tec name for it and as the marriage is over who cares?

Original poster

Nickinha · 30/10/2008 11:40

Thanks for all your posts! I also did not think I was but my "Moral upbringing" keeps me up at night. Phew what a relief...

OP posts:

BandofMothers · 30/10/2008 11:40

Oh good grief. If you are seperated why does he care?? How does he even know. What is it with men, cos I'm sure that he hasn't slept with anyone else since you broke up.
POint out to him that adultery goes both ways in this day and age, is he living in the past????

mumoverseas · 30/10/2008 11:59

if you want to be technical, as you are still married, even though separated, if you have had sex with this other man then yes, you have committed adultery. But, as you are separated and clearly are not getting back together, does it matter? Why not just get on with it and get divorced then you will be free to move on and do what you want?

Original poster

Nickinha · 30/10/2008 12:06

I am not bother about his opinion - what worries me is that its one of the ten commandments I would be breaking....

OP posts:

honestfriend · 30/10/2008 12:23

are you asking in case you husband cites the other man/men in a divorce petition, rather than you divorcing- if you do- on the basis of 2 years' living apart?

well, if you are religious and you are still technically married and you have sex with someone else, then yes, you are being unfaithful, and could be called all kinds of things including an adulteress. But if you are religious then why are you living apart anyway? some religions strongly disapprove of divorce.

I think more to the point is- are you going to divorce or not and if so, get on with it so you can feel free to do hat you want and not be worried about a label that your ex wants to put on you.

mumoverseas · 30/10/2008 12:29

thats exactly what I was thinking honestfriend but suspect she is probably catholic. If that is the case, then Nickinha, you will probably be in turmoil but you cannot not do what is best for you, and your DD just because what you were brought up to believe in. Yes, divorce is not ideal, but it is better than living a lie.
I was brought up catholic and although 'slightly' lapsed, I still believe in a lot of what I was taught. I am however divorced and remarried (terrible sin) and for 10 years practiced as a family (divorce) lawyer, again, another sin according to something the pope said a few years ago. It is probably not ideal, but I have not been struck down (yet!) You must do what is right for you. Like honestfriend said, why not make a decision to divorce and move on. Good luck

Original poster

Nickinha · 30/10/2008 13:06

I am not a catholic just a believer, but now that I read these posts I guess no matter which angle you look at it its sinful, all of it! Divorce, sex before marriage, adultry... I cant really justify what I am doing but it feels so right and normal! The only reason we are not divorced yet is because my h says we need to sell the house before we can divorce!

OP posts:

honestfriend · 30/10/2008 13:09

If you are able to, you need to see a lawyer who will advise you on your rights- you do not need to sell up first to get divorced- the house may well be sold as part of the settlement but it doesn't have to be the first step. sounds like your DH is controlling and a bit of a bully.

Get your own lawyer and maybe also go to counselling yourself as it sounds as if you need to re-think your faith.

Original poster

Nickinha · 30/10/2008 13:10

Thank you honestfriend, I think you have hit the nail on the head with your comments. I will follow your advice

OP posts:

jumpingbeans · 30/10/2008 13:11

Do you have a long fringe drapped over one eye, no, then you are not, don't worry

Ellbell · 30/10/2008 13:15

Interesting. My ex-h wanted to divorce me on the grounds of adultery because I was seeing someone else while separated from, but not divorced from, him. I wrote to his solicitor pointing out that the new relationship started after I had moved out of the marital home, and I never got a reply but the 'adultery' claim was dropped immediately and we got a divorce on the grounds of a however-many-years-it-has-to-be separation instead. I take this to mean that even technically the law would not consider you an adultress.

From a religious point of view, I can't really advise. All I'd say is that at a certain point you have to trust your heart. (And perhaps I'd add that, if you're a Christian, you could reassure yourself that Christ was happy to hang around with tax-collectors and prostitutes and adultresses, and that he promised one of the thieves a place in heaven. I'm a wishy-washy liberal like that, though! )

Good luck.

mumoverseas · 30/10/2008 13:53

Nickinha, honest friend is right, the house does not need to be sold before you get divorced. In fact, if you do reach an agreement amicably regarding the sale of the house and the division of the proceeds of sale, you will want to have a consent order approved by the Court (this ensures that the agreement reached is in full and final settlement and neither of you can make further claims against the other in the future) This document cannot be lodged at the Court until decree nisi has been prounounced (can take up to 6 weeks if not longer from issue of divorce proceedings) so absolutely no reason why house should be sold first. Also, if the conveyancing solicitor knows that you are getting divorced he/she may be concerned about who the proceeds of sale go to and in what proportion.

Ellbell, technically the law does consider it as adultery. However, in the case of an adultery petition, the respondent (adulterer) would need to admit the adultery. Sometimes a solicitor would take the view that if they think the admission will not be forthcoming, they may sometimes advise their client to either go ahead on unreasonable behaviour or alternatively wait until they'd been separated two years if they knew the respondent would consent to a divorce then.
You are quite right though Ellbell that you must trust your heart and do what you think is right for you. A good point very well made.

solidgoldskullonastick · 30/10/2008 13:56

Remember that the core tenets of most religions are about kindness, fairness, forgiveness etc. ALl the guff about restrictions placed on sexual behaviour was made up by mad old men who were sexually dysfunctional and is far more about hatred of women (in particular) than about what's really right and wrong.

SummatAnNowt · 30/10/2008 15:49

I love solidgoldskullonastick!

MorrisZapp · 30/10/2008 15:57

Totally agree with solid gold. Who cares about sticking to some random rules made up by men hundreds of years ago.

Cheesesarnie · 30/10/2008 15:59

in answer to op.no

MsHighwater · 31/10/2008 22:41

I take it you have no intention of getting back with your h and intend to divorce. In that case, in my eyes, you are no more an adulteress than you would be if you were already divorced.

Flip

1 2