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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship meltdown - is it over?

17 replies

confuseddd · 30/10/2008 09:02

Me and DH have been married for 2 years - met 4 years ago and were both with other people at the time.

We now have an 8 month old ds.

We have always had big rows, and these have sometimes culminated in him pushing or grabbing me. I get angry and wind him up.

Yesterday we were both at home and I asked him if me and ds could walk to the post office with him - he said yes, but then he got on with other things and eventually I said 'are you coming?' He did not respond and I lost my temper and shouted a lot. Then he lost it and grabbed me round the face and threatened to hit me. ds was seeing all this.

We patched it up, then this morning we woke up and dh complained about tooth ache. This is ongoing and he said he would call the dentist but hasn't so far - I asked if he had the number and he did not respond - then I said he could get it by calling 118 500.

He was very irritated by this suggestion and said he wanted to smother me. I got me and ds dressed and left the house and went for breakfast in a cafe.

Sorry, this seems long and also petty stuff, but I feel that nothing I say to him is right and that I am afraid to talk.

He says I don't love him and just want the security of a marriage - I do love him, but I don't feel that I can ignore the fact that he shows me little respect.

I'm so and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

shootfromthehip · 30/10/2008 09:14

Any kind of physical aggression is not going to have a hapopy ending (whether it is you OR him). This will continue to escalate. You have to get out. Sorry but you do.

shootfromthehip · 30/10/2008 09:15

Sorry- should be 'happy'

HowlingattheFullMOONMother · 30/10/2008 09:19

We have always had big rows, and these have sometimes culminated in him pushing or grabbing me. I get angry and wind him up.

At some point in relationships everybody winds their partner/husband up to a degree- that does not give him free reign to 'grab' you and threaten to hit you, especially in full view of your children.

Damn right he's not showing you respect, but he's being violent towards you too, which if left will escalate.

My advice is leave, before you do actually get hit, or wors and before your child grows up living in fear of his father seriously hurting his mum.

Lizzylou · 30/10/2008 09:20

It doesn't seem petty, not one bit.

Have you ever tried counselling? Has he always been like this?

YOu need to get this sorted as you don't want your DS seeing/hearing things like this when he's older and thinking that is "normal".

shootfromthehip · 30/10/2008 09:33

Been thinking about this and I know it seems easy to say leave but sometimes we bring out the worst in each other. I haven't had this with a partner but my relationship with my Dad broke down like this and even at 16 I knew I had to move out before it got worse. We brought the worst out in each other and were becoming people that we hated. I was scared of him and living like that is horrendous.

Moving out may not be terminal but it would give you both the space to work out what's going on.

Alternatively if he thinks you don't love him, maybe you need to show him in a way that he wants and needs. That said, violence is not on, particularly when your LO is seeing it.

funkypumpkin · 30/10/2008 09:33

Sorry agree with shootfromthehip you have to get out my exh started out like this and I stopped with him for 8 years after he first did that, it wasnt until he tried to strangle me in front of the children that I finally left,I am sorry that I didnt do it earlier as nearly 4 years later my DS1 is still getting over it

Original poster

confuseddd · 30/10/2008 09:42

No, we haven't had counselling. Could it help? I don't understand why we get into these situations. I would do anything to make it better because I really want our marriage to last.

OP posts:

Original poster

confuseddd · 30/10/2008 09:47

funkypumpkin. I shouldn't put my ds through it either.

OP posts:

funkypumpkin · 30/10/2008 10:07

Nearly four years later I still feel guilty for putting them through that, but I stayed out of old fashion values and I loved my exh and kept thinking things would changed we are all very happy now but DS1 will still not see his dad his own choice and does not speak kindly about him.

Counselling and maybe anger management may help but I havent any experience of that I am afraid as I was always to ashamed to say anything to any one even though I found out after I left that everyone knew what a bully he was / is.

Has your DH spoken about how he wants you to show him how you love him etc?

Original poster

confuseddd · 30/10/2008 10:10

Shootfromthehip, it is true that we make each other angry for reasons I don't really understand.

I know he feels under pressure and has worries about his health etc., but however I try to respond seems to be the wrong way. I know I have problems opening up to him as well.

OP posts:

SamJones · 30/10/2008 10:20

I'm sorry but this does not sound like a very healthy relationship for any of you, least of all your ds.

You need to either both make the commitment to get counselling and work really hard at rebuilding a better life. Or accept that it is never going to work that way and get out.

You say you want your marriage to last - but surely not like this? Some things shouldn't be allowed to last - and to me, your current situation is one of them.

Avenellroad · 30/10/2008 10:21

Maybe the everyday stresses of life are getting to you both?... and your arguments seem to follow a particular cycle.....I guess he would feel you 'nag' and needle him provoking him into irritation and a physical reaction.

He says you don't love him....why would he say that?Your focus is very much about how you feel and what he is 'doing' to you.Try thinking about what he is feeling, he may have concerns he finds difficult to share with you the way things are currently.

If you want to save this relationship and I think you should try, give him some space and allow things to settle down.If you continue to display the same behaviour you will likely replicate the same situations.

Ideally,this would lead to your having real communication without the friction you are currently experiencing.I wouldn't jump to some of the conclusions others have on this forum.After all,we only have your side of the story.

If this fails I think counselling is a good idea.

Original poster

confuseddd · 30/10/2008 10:26

funky, he says I'm not very sympathetic and perhaps that is true - I think he doesn't do the practical things to improve matters - eg go to dentist, drink less, do the paperwork etc. But I can see sometimes that he would want a person to listen rather than give advice.

He has got in fights in the past and does act like a bully sometimes, but not been violent to exes I don't think. Mind you, he was in his 40s when we married, so has not really had a committed relationship until now, so I think this is new for him too.

I'm going to go to my mums tonight anyway - thanks for your posts - it really helps.

OP posts:

funkypumpkin · 30/10/2008 10:32

I think maybe counselling will help give you both a chance to open up more with out both getting angry. And Avenell says give your DH some space.

Has it always been like this or only since DS came along? Maybe he could be feeling neglected since your ds has come along.

You say your DH worries about his health is he ill?

Original poster

confuseddd · 30/10/2008 12:50

He's not really ill - just a lot of little ailments that seem to add up. He's not feeling neglected I don't think. We've always had a stormy relationship and in some respects it has improved (eg now we can talk about money and make plans for the future, like we never could before). However, the anger is awful (mine and his) and I want it to stop.

I'm going to look at counselling as well.

OP posts:

honestfriend · 30/10/2008 13:06

why did you get together in the first place? were you both looking to escape other relationships and did you both jump ship without really knowing each other or liking each other?

QuintessentialShadows · 30/10/2008 13:10

This man is violent towards you infront of his own child.

This man says you dont show him you love him, but when you try help him get a dentist appointment, which most people would take as a sign of care, he wants to smother you.

This man makes it out that "you wind him up", and you can do no right.

This man has been violent to others in the past, and a "bully" as you say.

His behaviour is very controlling, isnt it?

He is treating you like this now, after just two years of marriage?

I think you need to get out. He is a terrible rolemodel to your child. Soon, your child will grow up and learn that mummy is a doormat, and women should be abused. That is the norm. And that is not right. This is harming your child.

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